Loaded girl smuggled into county jail found in load of dirty laundry...

http://www.jsonline.com/news/crime/loaded-gun-smuggled-into-county-jail-found-in-load-of-dirty-laundry-loaded-gun-smuggled-into-county--293744931.html

Locally famous towel boy and frequent visitor to the Harris County jail Lefty must now explain how a loaded girl, tentatively identified as his girlfriend Latrina, managed to be smuggled into his cell in a load of laundry...Previously Lefty won kudos from prison officials for his idea to offset the costs of his repeated incarcerations by accepting outside work for the prison laundry...

However the first shipment, delivered from a Hobby Airport bath house for poofters, caused alarm because of its unusual odor...The bundle was brought to Lefty's cell where a contraband-sniffing dog alerted to the distinct smell of a particular rum distilled from green bananas and sweet potatoes only in the island nation of Barmaidia...

Concealed in the laundry basket was the passed out female reeking of the pungent and almost undrinkable liquor, and clad only in a thong marked "For Rental Only"...Lefty at first denied any knowledge of her, but a lesbian guard identified her as the lesbian powder room attendant of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium where Lefty is employed as a towel boy...

After her detoxification and de-lousing, she confessed to interviewers that she wanted to be near her lover, and arranged to have herself smuggled in with the laundry...Unfortunately, she consumed the entire bottle of rum she brought to share with Lefty, and was rendered  unconscious during her journey...

As new charges are now being considered against Latrina and Lefty, famed attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. already present on his own jury-tampering conviction, agreed to represent her on a pro boner basis...Mr. Spitt and Latrina were relocated to adjoining cells for better access to each other's briefs...

Pictured below is a prison artist's rendition of Latrina's discovery currently being passed around among inmates, just as Latrina herself is expected to be...

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The 2015 Oscars Played It Safe, Even as Whiners Protested...

http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2015/02/the-oscars-play-it-safe-even-as-its-winners-protest/385747/

Bowing to the pressure of Hollywood's largely gay population, the Academy's Oscar Committee voted to disallow nomination of any video from Truckman Parody Studio in any category...Whiners from the predominantly homosexual Hollywood film industry protested loudly outside the Academy of Motion Pictures after it was made known that the general public demanded recognition of Truckman's controversial parody videos...

Truckman himself has never shown any desire for awards, choosing only to make videos considered entertaining by his friends...However many members of the gay bath house lifestyle take personal offense at the jabs thrown their way by the portrayals of bath house towel boy, Lefty, as a shiftless lout, which he is in real life...

Speaking on a promise of anonymity, one of Truckman's adorable, gorgeous nieces said the protesters fail to take into account that the videos poke fun at politicians, televangelists, criminals, royalty and terrorists as well as poofters...She flatly stated, "Our Uncle Truckman doesn't have a mean bone in his body, and these protesters need to grow a sense of humor"...

Truckman was unavailable for comment as he characteristically sought no recognition or personal tribute in his career as a video producer and journalist...Meanwhile clients of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, pictured below, celebrated their perceived win from the bath house media room as they watch the award ceremony while waiting for fresh towels from the bath house laundry...

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The Men's Room Which Became Jihadi John...

http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/02/unmasking-jihadi-john-Mohammed-Emwazi-islamic-state-beheading-videos/386153/

The Tehran Twiddler, a popular news daily found in all Iranian poofter bath houses, today featured a story on home remodeling in their hut & garden section...Iranian Minister of Steamrooms Ayatollah Leph te Rashitch proudly showed off his latest men's room project which he has labeled the "Jihadi John"...

Being an important official in Iran's gay lifestyle, the Ayatollah was able to gain a permit for running water in his mud hut, provided by a team of off duty bath house towel boys who run back and forth in a bucket brigade from the polluted stream in the back...Leph te also avoids the high Tehran city taxes on his improvements by having it registered as a religious center due to his many daily pilgrimages to the holy waters...

The new facilities have also drawn the interest of western-world military specialists who have all made note of the exact GPS coordinates...US Navy seal teams in particular have scheduled their own improvements in the neighborhood, beginning with reducing the structures to a pile of stone-age rubble, a move which will set the islamist movement back at least a week...

As in all Iranian homes, the indoor facilities are for men only, and the porcelain fixtures all feature likenesses of fallen middle-eastern martyrs...One of the urinals in the "Jihadi John" is pictured below, and above each one a sign reminds the patrons not to eat the big white breath mint...

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Google poofters back down from powerful publisher...

http://www.theverge.com/2015/2/27/8119553/blogger-adult-content-ban-reversed

Faced with overwhelming anger from an audience of truth seekers who demand to be kept informed of the whereabouts and activities of bath house towel boy Lefty, a faction within the Google organization, identified as POOFLE, has backtracked on its decision three days ago to ban blogs with adult content...Targeting fearless web publication, LeftyInTheNews, Google executives earlier okayed the attack on those blogs which expose the facts about poofters...

However, when the internet community arose as one to stand behind undaunted publisher Truckman, who threatened to use his far-reaching influence to build his own internet which would exclude Google, the Mountain View, California giant showed its cream filling and quickly cancelled its plans...As of this writing, Google has quietly rescinded its orders to block Truckman as it found that even the Obama administration's hard core poofters had turned to quivering jelly at the thought of battling Truckman's empire...

Pictured below is the darkened Google complex as they shuttered their windows and turned off their phones to await the passing of the storm of public anger over their attack on Truckman and his quest for the truth...

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Obama pees off in Hawaii with bath house leader...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/obama-tees-off-in-hawaii-with-malaysian-leader/2014/12/24/eff1ad90-8bb9-11e4-ace9-47de1af4c3eb_story.html

In a show of solidarity with a mainstay of his voter base, President Obama today pee'ed off with security executive Big "Tiny" Balsac of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...The occasion was the grand re-opening of the men's room in which senior men's room attendant RHM showed off the new industrial grade exhaust fans installed during the rebuilding in compliance with new poofter bath house regulations...

Following the disastrous explosion last year when a historic poofter establishment was almost lost entirely, the Obama administration pushed through the Larry Craig Men's Room Safety Act named for a former senator who has become a tireless crusader for gay men's room security measures...RHM displayed the blowout preventers in each stall which will counter even the gaseous emissions caused by the bean burrito diets favored by the local towel boys...

Head Towel Boy Lefty has personally tested each stall while lighting up his customary after-lunch joint during the mandatory Federal Lavatory Inspector's visits, and after collection of all standard lab samples and bribes, the inspector put his Stamp of Compliance on each stall door...Zipping up after his brief tour, and getting his briefs pressed in the bath house laundry, President Obama promised many more unannounced visits in the future, while Security Chief Balsac assured him his customary seat will be reserved in the poofter hot tub room...

The President also invited Balsac to tour the newly renovated, taxpayer funded oval hot tub (shown below) installed in the Bill Clinton Executive Washroom on his next visit to the White House...

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French crablice carrier deployed against ISUK in Iran...

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2015/02/23/french-aircraft-carrier/23872267/

Noted French poofter astronaut and former sissyweight contender Florian LePoof  is on his way to Iran to deploy the latest weapon in the arsenal against terrorist organization ISUK...Although ISUK (Islamic State United Kingdom) maintains bases in England, they are known to receive their orders from Iranian Minister of Steamrooms, Ayatollah Leph te Rashitch...

LePoof volunteered for the mission in his attempt to make up for his stinging loss in the ring to ISUK champion, Liqit Youssef on a technicality when LePoof was knocked flat by Youssef's curdled goat cheese breath...LePoof's weapon will be the treatment-resistant crablice with which he was inexplicably infested following a sparring match with sissyweight fighter RHM during which he made unwanted contact with RHM's trainer, Lefty...

Ayatollah Leph te has tried unsuccessfully on humanitarian grounds to abort LePoof's mission granted by a UN issued "special envoy" visa...Leph te has appealed to the highest UN authorities, including Secretary-General Si Yu Moon, who refused to revoke the visa since no other country wants LePoof either...

LePoof has vowed to visit every Iranian bath house in which ISUK cells are known to inhabit as he seeks his vengeance for the lost sissyweight crown...Shown below, Ayatollah Leph te gives his blessing to a devout follower before telling him he is the one chosen to meet LePoof at the airport...

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Lesbo Aliens Unhappy with Shortage of Bilingual Doctors...

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U.N. Poofter Negotiators Reach Compromise, Bare...

http://gawker.com/u-n-climate-negotiators-reach-compromise-barely-1670899242

UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty reports today on an important new compromise agreement reached between the major Security Council members concerning climate control...A major skirmish was narrowly averted as a coalition of members was able to agree on a rotating schedule for seating next to the temperature control in the council's hot tub...

Poofter members from nations located in different climates throughout the world have their own temperature and humidity preferences, which has been a major bone of contention in the hot tubs and steamrooms...Ambassador Lefty, who already serves as liaison to the lesbian pearldiving committee, was disqualified as temperature manager due to unresolved bribe allegations...

Chinese Oil Minister Hu Flung Dung and Iranian Potentate of Steamrooms Leph te Rashitch both abstained from the vote over British Queen's Representative Sir Neville Clive Flamingwell's insistence on bringing his umbrella to the communal shower room...Agreement was finally reached to let Men's Room Council Chairman RHM use his Magic 8-Ball to choose the rotation schedule for the first month of climate control co-chairmen...

Secretary-General Si Yu Moon of Thailand expressed his relief at not having to assign peacekeepers for the refugees housed in the male lingerie boutique operated by Chairman RHM...Shown below, former US Senator Larry Craig, now the senior UN men's room attendant, invites poofters of all creeds and perversion preferences to visit the UN Assembly Men's Room in safety and comfort...

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Impact of lower oil prices on Asian bath house economies...

http://www.bangkokpost.com/business/news/464181/impact-of-lower-oil-prices-on-asian-economies

As oil prices plummet on products from the olive, canola and coconut markets, interest has picked up on the sport of nude lesbian oil wrestling, especially in the Asian bath house industry...In China, the state-owned Slippi Slidee Bath Oil Co. controlled under the auspices of newly named Oil Minister Hu Flung Dung, has begun a new marketing strategy to increase sales...

In a typical turn of events behind the bamboo curtain, the Chinese Oil Ministry must now report to the Ministry of Laundry, run by Hu Flung's one-time friend, former bath house towel boy and now Director, Lef Ti...Hu Flung's latest suggestion to employ retired lesbian oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, to promote the Slippi Slidee product line is thought to be a political ploy designed to distract Lef Ti, a long time admirer of Ms. McLeglock's prowess...

Lef Ti's efforts to induce Ms. McLeglock to tour the Chinese bath house circuit in a series of exhibition matches were always declined due to Lef Ti's previous career as a bath house towel boy...It seems Ms. McLeglock prior experiences with a Hobby Airport area towel boy were unfavorable leaving her with doubts concerning Lef Ti's sincerity...

However, Hu Flung Dung was more successful in his efforts due to his executive background as the former Minister of Laundry before the coup that led to Lef Ti's rise to power...Hu Flung is said to have learned much about Lef Ti's life from his apprenticeship to Showermaster Rili Huang Min (RHM) during his incarceration at the Hanzhob Peoples' Poofter Collective where he was sent for "re-education"...

Poofter analysts are closely watching Hu Flung's re-entry into the Chinese bath house power structure as it may signal another purge in the upper levels...Not wishing to involve herself in political intrigue, Ms. McLeglock's travel entourage has been assigned a security detail headed by midget lesbian and former deputy Dumpy Bunny, who is said to be feared by Chinese poofters for her fierce protection of Ms. McLeglock's assets...

Although normally involved in international poofter and lesbian concerns, UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty has not been consulted for advice, and his office door, pictured below, is strangely closed while calls to his private pay phone have gone unanswered...

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Police arrest man over bath tipper truck crash...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2956738/Police-arrest-two-men-suspicion-manslaughter-gross-negligence-Bath-truck-crash.html

Investigation continues in the case of an overturned bath truck brought on by a melee between a mobile towel boy and a travelling hot tub client...The incident began inside an experimental mobile bath house operated by RHM, Intl. which is conducting trial runs servicing an upscale poofter clientele who wish to frolic in a hot tub between their hotels and airports...

The cause of the argument leading to the accident centers on the value of a tip offered to his towel boy by international traveler, Sir Neville Clive Flamingwell, for services rendered in the roving hot tub...The towel boy, later identified as former Rear Commodore Leftchester, disgraced one-time member of the mounted Royal Horse Marines now supplementing his retirement stipend with part-time bath house employment, told Sir Neville his offer of a 10 sucat bill as a tip was unacceptable because he couldn't make the required change for the unusual currency due to lack of an up to date exchange rate chart...

The enraged Sir Neville then accused Leftchester (who prefers the nickname "Leftie") of picking his pocket while he was nude in the hot tub leaving him with only the foreign currency from his prior trip through war-torn Kablamistan...The ensuing melee caused foreign exchange student driver, Big "Tiny" Balsac, to lose control of the van which overturned in front of a gay arts theater where the Royal Poofter Skin Flute Band was performing a rendition of "God Save His Majesty, The Queen"...

In his own defense, Mr. Balsac said he is unfamiliar with driving on the left side of the road, being accustomed to battling other drivers for the center of the one-lane roads in his native Armenia...Due to the international complications arising from the incident, investigation has been turned over to Inspector Lefty of the traffic division of the gay crimes agency INTERPOOF, who vows a just decision after a thorough inspection of all local lesbian nudie bars, and collection of all available evidence and bribes...

Seen below is some of the evidence stored in a secure location for further analysis by Inspector Lefty's crack CSI team...

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Obama draws thongs on Stanford poofters...

http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/general-news/20150214/obamas-visit-draws-throngs-to-stanford-campus

In an obvious attempt to gain the trust of college-age voters, President Obama showed off his seldom seen skill as a body-painter while visiting the Stanford Student Union Bath House & Adult Textbook Store...The President revealed that his own education at the Idi Amin Institute of Tyranny in his native Kenya was financed by painting nose rings on the faces of impoverished students before they entered their glory hole construction classes...

After hearing the impassioned plea of Professor Lefty of the Stanford Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies calling for federal funding for thongs in school colors to be worn by lesbian and poofter students, the President and his 368 Secret Service bodyguards flew to the campus to investigate...While the Secret Service agents conducted massive probes inside the shower rooms for soap dropping violations, Obama displayed his airbrush techniques by painting cardinal red thongs on students who could otherwise not afford them...

In a show of solidarity, the Republican-led Eta Pi sorority furnished brushes and touch-up bodypaint allowing Professor Lefty and his lesbian art class to gain extra credit by filling in the gaps as the delighted students entered the bath house...The Secret Service also waived the usual mandatory metal detector screening in favor of a full body cavity search since many students were wearing at least three pounds of body jewelry in their piercings...

Pictured below, Stanford animal rights activists provided comfort stations for dogs whose owners were expressing their gratitude for President Obama's visit...

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Shooters Station news...

Shooting sports reporter Dan files this story: "Janitor Lefty had broom duty picking up empty shells until he slipped on the floor and jammed the broom up a shooter lady's bung."

Editor's note: He explained to the accident investigator that he was momentarily distracted by adjusting the lens on the little upskirt camera he had ziptied to his ankle monitor, thereby losing his grip on the broom...Plus he had just finished a sixer of Hamm's at lunch on the porch outside, and his eyes hadn't adjusted to the darker range lights yet....

After carefully examining the evidence and counting the change in Lefty's bribe offer, the investigator concluded there was nothing unusual about the incident...The shooter declined to press charges on the promise of being invited to examine Lefty's footage...

Still photo below captured from Lefty's belt buckle camera which was also captured...

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California firefighters save horse stuck in outdoor bathtub with towel boy...

http://www.sfgate.com/news/article/California-firefighters-save-horse-stuck-in-6066812.php

Animal rights correspondent Dan reports " 'California firefighters save horse stuck in outdoor bathtub' ... The horse, a regular at the California Poofters Bath House, got stuck in the tub with Lefty who had climbed in to play with his hootum."

Editor's note: Although Lefty is no stranger to being found in a bathtub with a horse, this marks the first time he has been caught with a lesbian mare...California prosecutors are considering charges of animal husbandry violations against Lefty since the horse was subsequently found to be underage and already married to another mare...

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