"Stump" Fairsex Crowned Lesboweight Queen In RMA Cage Match...

 https://www.fightersonlymag.com/latest-news/one-fight-night-14-stamp-fairtex-crowned-atomweight-queen-as-angela-lee-announces-retirement-in-singapore/

Due to the steadily increasing number of Asian readers of this blog, poofter sports reporter Lefty, on special assignment in Singapore (which conveniently coincided with the statutes of limitation expiration dates on some of his pending misdemeanor trials) filed this report on Fight Night at the Singapore Unisex Bath House & Knob Polishing Emporium...Circumventing the obvious language differences, Lefty enlisted the translation services of Mister Blister, the Asian tag team champions who also provided the blow-by-blow as well as the color commentary for the night's scheduled matches...The main event cage match for the evening pitted challenger "Stump" Fairsex (so named from the mysterious protuberance prominent in the lower part of her ring attire), and the reigning all-Asian champion, "Brickhouse" Lee...

As is well known to sports fans, the popular Mister Blister tag team consists of Hef Ti, a 650 pound mute, Chinese eunuch sumo wrestler who communicates only by single-finger sign language, and Dinki Winki, a midget Japanese oil wrestler, who have become mainstays of the bathhouse sports world in the sport of nude sumo oil wrestling...As guest ring announcers, Dinki Winki calls the blow-by-blow action in his shrill, annoying broken English voice which was taught to him in the English lessons given by the midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, during his confinement in an internment camp near Hobby Airport in Houston by the Biden Administration's mandatory immigration quarantine period...Color commentary is handled by his partner, Hef Ti, using his single finger sign language, a skill at which he is ambidextrous and clearly understood in multiple languages...

The special referee for this night's main event was Rili Huang Min, Red China's Showermaster of the Hanzhob District People's Poofter Collective...RHM, as he is affectionately known in the sports world, insured that all bribes and wagers had been completed in accordance with international rules before signaling the fighters to approach the center of the ring for final instructions...The mandatory search of the contestants for weapons was waived when both lesbian fighters threatened to neuter RHM if he moved toward them...Hef Ti was seen to physically cringe in response to this joint announcement from the competitors...

At the opening bell, both fighters disrobed down to G-strings emblazoned with the names of their sponsors, Cellblock 13 Jockstraps for "Stump" Fairsex and Summer's Eve Feminine Wash for "Brickhouse" Lee...The scheduled 3 round bout was called to an end early by the competitors' refusal to respond to the repeated chant of "69 baby" repeatedly started by reporter Lefty from ringside who apparently was unfamiliar with the international rules in effect governing obscene encouragement from the outside...The match was then declared a draw by ring official RHM, followed by booing from the angry onlookers...Before the onlookers could begin to riot however, reigning champion "Brickhouse" Lee grabbed the microphone from Lefty and announced her retirement from the sport and declared "Stump" Fairsex as the new Lesboweight Champion...

Following her announcement, she presented the symbolic iron chastity belt to her opponent to the tumultuous approval of the crowd...Handing the mic to the stunned Ms. Fairsex for her acceptance speech, another cheer went up from the crowd when "Stump" jerked Lefty to the center of the ring, stripped him down to his thong underwear and fastened the chastity belt around his middle..."Stump" then announced to the audience that during the preliminaries Lefty had repeatedly asked her if she swallowed...After making sure the chastity belt was securely locked on Lefty's groin, she announced, "Yes, I do swallow!" and promptly swallowed the only known key...

Shown below, "Stump" makes a slight package adjustment on her walk to the weigh in press conference...

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A Gator's Tale: Update...

https://www.click2houston.com/news/local/2020/05/14/gator-with-its-tail-run-over-spotted-in-road-in-conroe/

In response to our previous news item concerning Puffy Cravinmore, the latest addition to the population of the Hobby Airport Bath House District, LeftyInTheNews has received urgent messages from the HABHD chapter of PETA (Poofters Excitedly Touching Animals) in regard to the dog assigned to protect Ms. Cravinmore by her benefactor, Gristmill Mikey...In a mostly incoherent email, a PETA representative expressed concern that the dog (which Gristmill Mikey had named Chomper) had undergone a species reassignment, and demanded to know details of the operation...Our intrepid reporter tracked down Mikey on a jobsite where he is remodeling the former home of the late and lamented SBA, who was the nemesis to the Houston City Council as well as the operator of the Hobby Airport Piano Roll Museum, and obtained an interview...

When told of the laughable concerns by PETA members for the welfare of the newly transformed guard dog, the laconic Mikey broke into one his rare smiles which have been known to induce stroke conditions in some faint-hearted observers...He said he first heard of the animal when he was contacted by Truckman who knew of an accident in Conroe involving a hapless alligator...Knowing of Mikey's fondness for animals, he suggested the gator might be coaxed out of the swamp where it could be examined and cared for...Mikey immediately rode his Honda Goldwing with its sidecar to Conroe, and ignoring the warnings from horrified officials, he walked into the swamp where the gator had last been seen...

The gator was quickly found chewing on the tires of the same Prius which had run over and injured its tail...Knowing a kindred spirit when it found one, the gator docilely followed Mikey, and obediently climbed into the Honda's sidecar, riding off with him to the astonishment of onlookers...After reaching the Hobby Airport area, Mikey sought a medical assessment of the gator from Dr. Horace Tchytz of the Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop knowing that the doctor holds dual degrees as a sex change specialist and veterinarian...Using these skills, the doctor suggested that the tail was too damaged for proper healing and the alligator would live a more productive life with a species reassignment as a dog...Mikey agreed, and the operation was performed in exchange for some expansion work to Dr. Tchytz's bait shop where he repurposes the unneeded parts remaining after poofter gender reassignments...

The animal recovered quickly, and happily went home with Mikey where it accepted training for its new life as a guard dog...Mikey said the only out-of-pocket expenses involved occurred when he decided the dog would look more natural without its normal "gator green" skin, so using some leftover house paint from a remodeling job, the dog is now brown...Asked what the dog eats, Mikey said he doesn't really know as it seems to forage for itself while roaming the neighborhood, although he did observe that coincidentally many of the ne'er-do-well criminal types in the Bath House District now appear to be amputees...Chomper also seems quite happy in its new role as a guard dog, and Puffy Cravinmore reports that new attempts to rob her have dropped to zero, while the dog quickly adapted to riding on the buddy seat of her BMW motorcycle...

The only question remaining unanswered was the disposition of the gator's tail which was removed in the species reassignment operation...Bath house towel boy, Lefty, who also serves as a clerk for Dr. Tchytz's bait shop suggested the flesh could be added to the bait inventory, while Lefty's brother, RightHandMan, made a bid for the skin...RHM envisioned it being used as a custom codpiece after tanning by his taxidermist, and placed for sale to his high end clients at his male lingerie boutique...However, Gristmill Mikey, being a humanitarian, donated the tail to the Hobby Airport Food Bank where it was barbequed and served to the HABHD homeless...Fuel for the event was unknowingly donated by the estate of the late SBA as shown below...

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HABHD's CPO tells criminals to 'chill' and stop committing crime until after coronavirus...

https://www.theblaze.com/news/houston-mayor-tells-criminals-to-chill

Dewey Cheatham, CPO (Chief Poofter Official) for the Hobby Airport Bath House District released the following statement today regarding the extraordinary measures being recommended during the COVID-19 outbreak:

"We board members of the HABHD are extremely concerned for the welfare of all our citizens regardless of race, national origin or poofter persuasion in this time of national emergency...We urge all those residing or earning a living within the confines of our Bath House District to maintain a six foot distance from each other even though this will mean a few changes in business technique for the tattoo artists, massage therapists, table dancers and pickpockets whose livelihoods depend on close contact with the public...We also request that criminals of all levels, including misdemeanor and felony classifications, cease all criminal activity until our government tells us it's safe to steal again...However all normal bribes and kickbacks to the HABHD Board of Directors will continue to be accepted in cash only through the mail slot in our door if they are sealed in sanitary envelopes..."

Hobby Airport residents were asked for their comments on this pronouncement...Popular bath house towel boy Lefty said, "I don't see any big difference, nobody ever wants to get closer than six feet to me anyway..."

Bookie and oddsmaker Yugo Leftanescu spoke from his barstool office at a local topless bar, "My business is usually conducted by phone until it's time to collect...If there's any problem then I've got a meathook with a six foot handle..."

Newly arrived immigrant Carmine "The Hat" Caponescu said this through his Sicilian interpreter, "Youse people can depend on me ta do my usual best...I can enforce da wishes of da bosses from any distance..."

Recent visitor to the HABHD, Puffy Cravinmore, upon hearing the good news that there might be less crime there than in her home town on the Central Texas plains, got on her BMW motorcycle and did not stop until she was in the company of her protector, Gristmill Mikey, feared by both lawmen and lawbreakers of all ranks...Since she had spent the last of her funds on gasoline for the trip, Mikey arranged for her to stay with his girlfriend, Sidecar Sophie, until she could find a suitable and well armored residence...He also said he would ask around for employment for her...

With more people seeking their entertainment at home, Puffy was pleased to find that her experience and skill in the repair and maintenance of personal pleasure devices both battery-operated and home-wired was in great demand among the lesbians and poofters who were forced to find self-gratification within the confines of their homes...Having minored in compressor repair at the Jodie Foster Vocational Institute in Austin Texas, she is also able to service those clients who favor blow-up lifesize dolls...

Gristmill Mikey's vast network of contacts also enabled her to begin the application process for a position on the housekeeping staff at the vast Truckman Estates in a neighboring county...She was warned that Truckman vets his applicants with utmost care, but she remains hopeful, and said she has already chosen a uniform for the position if she is selected...In the knowledge that she is naïve about the crime situation in the HABHD, animal lover Mikey offered her one of his dogs to stay by her side and also ride on the buddy seat of her motorcycle...

She could see the dog liked her right away, and would be a good companion and protector, but she was concerned about its breed...Confiding this to Mikey, she said she adored it and would take good care of it, but asked what kind of dog it was so she could provide for it...Said Gristmill Mikey, "Well, before I cut off his tail and painted him brown, he used to be an alligator..."

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Motorcycle wheel stolen in broad daylight returned to rightful owner in HABHD...

https://www.khou.com/article/life/family/motorcycle-stolen-in-1971-returned-to-rightful-owners-in-houston/285-df9f2fbd-6151-4515-912c-949224f629dd 

A recent daylight theft in the Hobby Airport Bath House District was averted by an alert resident who witnessed the theft...Newcomer Puffy Cravinmore, a beautiful, pixie-like traveler who decided to save some time in her motorcycle journey from Central Texas to a Gulf Coast beach where she might obtain a more even winter tan, unknowingly entered the HABHD hoping to save some time...She then made the mistake of stopping at an intersection on Braniff Street near the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, an act which knowledgeable motorists avoid due to the high incidence of theft and solicitation from street peddlers...

Before she had even come to a full stop she was approached by Lefty, a local bath house towel boy who offered her a discount coupon for a massage from Armenian lesbian masseuse, Tesla D...Already repelled by Lefty's body odor, Ms. Cravinmore was reaching into her leather jacket for her can of industrial strength Febreze, when Lefty, who thought she was going for a concealed handgun, suddenly backed away...At this time Ms. Cravinmore put her BMW motorcycle into gear, and attempted to ride away when she discovered she couldn't because her rear wheel was missing...

While she was distracted by Lefty's unwanted attention, she was unaware that the thieves in the Hobby Airport area are so well practiced, as well as brazen, they had placed her BMW on a cinder block and made off with the wheel while the bike was still running...Fortunately for her the incident was witnessed by the laconic yet sharp-eyed neighborhood handyman, Gristmill Mikey, a rehabilitated ex-convict who approached her telling her not to worry...Mikey's calming words took some of her fear away from his scary, unusual appearance...At that moment she realized that his only garments were a tool belt, a loincloth made of Harley-Davidson chain links and steel-toed boots...

What she had first taken for antique, engraved leather clothing was actually Mikey's own skin...She also noticed when he scratched his jawline with a steel screwdriver, sparks flew from it...At this moment she realized this may be the toughest man she ever met...He reassured her that what had happened was a common occurrence in the HABHD, and that he could get her wheel returned to her...After loading the rest of her BMW into his Ford diesel pickup, he drove her to the tattoo parlor of his girlfriend, Sidecar Sophie, when he noticed towel boy Lefty trying to peek into her parlor where he knew she often worked in the nude...

Lefty noticed Ms. Cravinmore before he saw Mikey, and immediately asked her for a date...She explained she was already married to another man and two other women, and wasn't interested...At this time Mikey ejected Lefty from the premises, and told Ms. Cravinmore she would be safe there with Sophie while he recovered her property...Inside she met Sophie who was doing a costly tattoo removal procedure on midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny...Ms. Bunny had earlier been tattooed with an image of gay comedian Ellen Degeneres, but started the removal process when the celebrity refused to take her phone calls, or answer her insistent letters...Still being on duty, the deputy and part-time night watchperson took Ms. Cravinmore's statement on the theft...

Soon Ms. Cravinmore heard the familiar sound of her BMW approaching, and went outside to see Gristmill Mikey riding up on her motorcycle...Mikey explained that he already knew of a gang of motorcycle thieves recruited by newly arrived Sicilian deportee, Carmine "The Hat" Caponescu, who was kicked out of the Italian Mafia for excessive brutality...The gang had been formed from local juvenile detention school dropouts, and were responsible for a spate of motorcycle parts thefts...But they already knew of the formidable reputation of reformed bad boy Mikey, and at his suggestion, they not only reassembled the BMW, but also detailed and polished it, changed the oil, filled the tank with gas and left a letter of apology taped to the bike's windscreen...

Ms. Cravinmore thanked Mikey profusely, and accepted his advice to find another shortcut to the beach next time, or at least avoid slowing down on Braniff Street...

Pictured below is the remainder of Ms. Cravinmore's motorcycle immediately after her brief, but ill-timed stop in the HABHD...

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Craigslist ad: Russian submarine for sale in Hobby Airport plywood pool...

http://www.khou.com/news/weird/craigslist-ad-russian-submarine-for-sale-in-lake-conroe/490735577

CraigsList Christmas shoppers in the Hobby Airport Bath House District were astounded this morning to find their own "Russian connection" in their own neighborhood plywood pool...Already accustomed to tales of the famous Braniff Street attraction such as the perpetual coating of leaves, twigs and empty Corona Extra cans washing down into it from the roof of the mansion adjacent to the pool, residents could hardly believe their eyes when the advertisement appeared this morning in the "Water Toys" category of the popular CraigsList website...Touted as the "perfect accessory for the well-to-do poofter playboy," potential customers began ringing the doorbell of the mansion (which also houses the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum) before dawn...

The owner, who appeared at the door in his nightshirt but without his nightpants, waved his double-barreled Ballard shotgun wanting to know what the commotion was about...This naturally triggered calls to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police, who responded with trained hostage negotiator, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, who immediately cordoned off the entire block...This prompted a protest from the towel boys just ending their shift at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium next door to the mansion...Their union representative, identified only as "Lefty," said:

"Hey, we need to get to the Taco Bell across the street for breakfast before these two-for-one coupons we got in our tip jars expire"...

Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian known for her strict interpretations of the law, defused the situation by threatening to initiate a warrant sweep in the bath house, causing the protesting towel boys to withdraw and bolt the door of the popular establishment...The deputy then turned her attention back to the irate mansion owner, whose long-suffering daughter had now appeared at the door...She explained that the ad had probably been placed as a prank by a visiting Apache Junction building inspector, FredK, who became upset when she slammed the door in his face after he began flirting with her...She explained:

"I'm one of the only two straight women that live in this neighborhood, and it's bad enough to get hit on by all the lesbians...Then this old fool starts asking me to come see his model train layout..."

The former beauty queen, who now teaches remedial English at the Hobby Airport Reform School & Juvenile Detention Center, assured Deputy Dumpy Bunny she would call the VA Clinic to get her father's medications adjusted to calm him down, and said not to worry about his shotgun because she had taken the firing pins out many years ago...The deputy then stated she would interrogate FredK herself and collect any evidence and necessary bribes before filing her report...

Shown below is part of a diorama from the realistic Lake Powell section of FredK's model train display in Apache Junction, Arizona...

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Hobby Airport's Full Beaver Moon to Shine Bright at Bath House......

https://www.space.com/38663-full-moon-november-2017-shines-overnight.html

Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory has announced a special viewing of the rare astronomical event, a Full Beaver Moon, tonight through a special observatory hole in the towel boys' locker room at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Speaking at a hastily organized press conference at the Braniff Street Taco Bell, which Dr. Lefty frequents for lunch on 2-For-One-Tuesdays, he explained that the phenomenon ordinarily does not occur in nature, but certain events have coincided to make it possible...

He said lesbian nude yoga instructor, Mazola McLeglock, usually conducts her weekly advanced class for her lesbian clients the day before the wall of mirrors in her classroom is cleaned of the fish fillet and steam residue produced by her overweight clientele when they use her classroom as a cafeteria for their lunch meetings of Long John Silver's "Barrel O' Cod" specials which are trucked in for their Weight Watchers meetings...These nude dining opportunities understandably release fish-breath and steam emissions which collect on the mirrors...This causes Dr' Lefty and his lab assistants to be able only to view the "moon" side of the exercise classes through the hole drilled from the towel boys' locker room, since their views of the "beaver" sides are obscured by the foggy mirrors...

However, this week an impending janitors strike caused the HABH&PE housekeeping management to have the weekly mirror cleaning scheduled a day early, permitting a full view of both moons and beavers until the observation holes are eclipsed by the roving patrols of midget lesbian security guard, Deputy Dumpy Bunny...Dr. Lefty suggests early arrival for the limited seating provided for this rare event...He also says a surcharge of 25 cents has been added to his normal ticket prices due to the expected high demands for choice viewing spots...Season ticket holders are exempt from the additional charge, but a generous tip is suggested...

Pictured below is senior lesbian housekeeper, Emma Staredown, on duty during a normal mirror scrubbing day...

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Lefty cleared as suspect in JFK conspiracy theory...

https://www.archives.gov/press/press-releases/nr18-05

Conspiracy theorists, such as the elderly proprietor of the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum in the Hobby Airport Bath House District, have long claimed a connection between the "grassy knoll" in Dallas where DNA analysis a few years ago showed traces of familial ties between Lefty and a wad of Dubble Bubble chewing gum found by investigators decades after the tragic assassination...Conspiracy fans have long pointed to the gum wad as prima facie evidence of Lefty's participation in the plot because of the partial fingerprint left on the wrapper in which it was wrapped...The print is a 23% match to Lefty's prints (which are on file with law enforcement departments world-wide), but Lefty has always contended the wrapper was a plant...

President Trump's release of the JFK files from the National Archives was expected by the conspiracy theorists to prove Lefty's connection, but instead have cleared him of at least this one crime...The files contained several sealed family court files in which Lefty was named as the biological father of a number of now 53 year old men and women, all of which bear a striking resemblance to Lefty, including his trademark mullet hairstyle...Lefty however always claimed he was being held in juvenile detention on the day of their supposed conception...

Now the unsealed files have proven beyond doubt that Lefty was telling the truth for once...Police records found in the files indicate that Lefty's fifth grade biology teacher, Ms. Knuckler, was arrested along with Lefty in the overgrown "grassy knoll" on November 21, 1963, where they both claimed the then 19 year old Lefty was trying to earn extra credit in order to pass his mid-term exams...Both were held in the Dallas County Jail overnight, and due to a shortage of empty cell space, they were incarcerated in the same cell as a number of lesbian prostitutes who had been picked up in a warrant sweep...Genealogists have now used the DNA sample from the bubble gum, comparing it to the samples furnished in the paternity suit files, and found the mitochondrial evidence to be a close match to the children mentioned in the lawsuits, each of which was born at varying times beginning 9 months and 10 minutes after Lefty was placed in the cell with their mothers...

This apparently settles the theories offered by those wishing to connect Lefty to the motorcade assassination, except the piano roll museum owner who has always pointed to Lefty whenever any crime is reported...Even the new evidence showing that none of Lefty's fingerprints were ever found in the Schoolbook Depository Building because Lefty has never opened a schoolbook, has failed to satisfy the elderly recluse...In an interview conducted at his Braniff Street mansion, the former CIA pilot shouted, "I know the SOB is guilty of something, and I can prove it!...Now get off my porch before I fetch my double-barreled Ballard shotgun!"...

Shown below are the contents of Lefty's pockets confiscated from him on November 21, 1963 in Dallas...

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