Conspiracy theorists, such as the elderly proprietor of the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum in the Hobby Airport Bath House District, have long claimed a connection between the "grassy knoll" in Dallas where DNA analysis a few years ago showed traces of familial ties between Lefty and a wad of Dubble Bubble chewing gum found by investigators decades after the tragic assassination...Conspiracy fans have long pointed to the gum wad as prima facie evidence of Lefty's participation in the plot because of the partial fingerprint left on the wrapper in which it was wrapped...The print is a 23% match to Lefty's prints (which are on file with law enforcement departments world-wide), but Lefty has always contended the wrapper was a plant...
President Trump's release of the JFK files from the National Archives was expected by the conspiracy theorists to prove Lefty's connection, but instead have cleared him of at least this one crime...The files contained several sealed family court files in which Lefty was named as the biological father of a number of now 53 year old men and women, all of which bear a striking resemblance to Lefty, including his trademark mullet hairstyle...Lefty however always claimed he was being held in juvenile detention on the day of their supposed conception...
Now the unsealed files have proven beyond doubt that Lefty was telling the truth for once...Police records found in the files indicate that Lefty's fifth grade biology teacher, Ms. Knuckler, was arrested along with Lefty in the overgrown "grassy knoll" on November 21, 1963, where they both claimed the then 19 year old Lefty was trying to earn extra credit in order to pass his mid-term exams...Both were held in the Dallas County Jail overnight, and due to a shortage of empty cell space, they were incarcerated in the same cell as a number of lesbian prostitutes who had been picked up in a warrant sweep...Genealogists have now used the DNA sample from the bubble gum, comparing it to the samples furnished in the paternity suit files, and found the mitochondrial evidence to be a close match to the children mentioned in the lawsuits, each of which was born at varying times beginning 9 months and 10 minutes after Lefty was placed in the cell with their mothers...
This apparently settles the theories offered by those wishing to connect Lefty to the motorcade assassination, except the piano roll museum owner who has always pointed to Lefty whenever any crime is reported...Even the new evidence showing that none of Lefty's fingerprints were ever found in the Schoolbook Depository Building because Lefty has never opened a schoolbook, has failed to satisfy the elderly recluse...In an interview conducted at his Braniff Street mansion, the former CIA pilot shouted, "I know the SOB is guilty of something, and I can prove it!...Now get off my porch before I fetch my double-barreled Ballard shotgun!"...
Shown below are the contents of Lefty's pockets confiscated from him on November 21, 1963 in Dallas...
