Obama draws thongs on Stanford poofters...

http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/general-news/20150214/obamas-visit-draws-throngs-to-stanford-campus

In an obvious attempt to gain the trust of college-age voters, President Obama showed off his seldom seen skill as a body-painter while visiting the Stanford Student Union Bath House & Adult Textbook Store...The President revealed that his own education at the Idi Amin Institute of Tyranny in his native Kenya was financed by painting nose rings on the faces of impoverished students before they entered their glory hole construction classes...

After hearing the impassioned plea of Professor Lefty of the Stanford Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies calling for federal funding for thongs in school colors to be worn by lesbian and poofter students, the President and his 368 Secret Service bodyguards flew to the campus to investigate...While the Secret Service agents conducted massive probes inside the shower rooms for soap dropping violations, Obama displayed his airbrush techniques by painting cardinal red thongs on students who could otherwise not afford them...

In a show of solidarity, the Republican-led Eta Pi sorority furnished brushes and touch-up bodypaint allowing Professor Lefty and his lesbian art class to gain extra credit by filling in the gaps as the delighted students entered the bath house...The Secret Service also waived the usual mandatory metal detector screening in favor of a full body cavity search since many students were wearing at least three pounds of body jewelry in their piercings...

Pictured below, Stanford animal rights activists provided comfort stations for dogs whose owners were expressing their gratitude for President Obama's visit...

More Politics articles...

Shooters Station news...

Shooting sports reporter Dan files this story: "Janitor Lefty had broom duty picking up empty shells until he slipped on the floor and jammed the broom up a shooter lady's bung."

Editor's note: He explained to the accident investigator that he was momentarily distracted by adjusting the lens on the little upskirt camera he had ziptied to his ankle monitor, thereby losing his grip on the broom...Plus he had just finished a sixer of Hamm's at lunch on the porch outside, and his eyes hadn't adjusted to the darker range lights yet....

After carefully examining the evidence and counting the change in Lefty's bribe offer, the investigator concluded there was nothing unusual about the incident...The shooter declined to press charges on the promise of being invited to examine Lefty's footage...

Still photo below captured from Lefty's belt buckle camera which was also captured...

More Sports articles...

California firefighters save horse stuck in outdoor bathtub with towel boy...

http://www.sfgate.com/news/article/California-firefighters-save-horse-stuck-in-6066812.php

Animal rights correspondent Dan reports " 'California firefighters save horse stuck in outdoor bathtub' ... The horse, a regular at the California Poofters Bath House, got stuck in the tub with Lefty who had climbed in to play with his hootum."

Editor's note: Although Lefty is no stranger to being found in a bathtub with a horse, this marks the first time he has been caught with a lesbian mare...California prosecutors are considering charges of animal husbandry violations against Lefty since the horse was subsequently found to be underage and already married to another mare...

More Farm & Ranch articles...

Minimum Wage Hikes Force Bath House To Raise Pay At Hobby Airport...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/24/walmart-minimum-wage_n_6376912.html?utm_hp_ref=business

Spurred by the demands of a lesbian powder room attendant, newly hired under the Obama administration's Latin American immigration quota standards, the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium's executive committee governing compensation issues has been forced to raise minimum lesbian wages to a level matching their male counterparts...The complainant, whose name is listed as Latrina from the island nation of Barmaidia, listed her occupation as a bath house knob polisher, but was known to have ties to gay revolutionary organizations...

Her reputation as an agitator surfaced immediately after she learned that male poofter men's room attendants earned 42 cents per hour plus tips, a full four cents more than lesbians performing the same duties in sapphic powder rooms...Defending the pay disparity, senior men's room attendant RHM said his duties were worth the extra money since he was required to wipe the sweat from between his clients' belly fat rolls in addition to keeping their cigars lit on their men's room visits...

Latrina argued that RHM's bath house salary is nothing compared to the wealth he has accumulated from his male lingerie boutique which he operates inside the poofter men's room...She said her clientele decline such finery, preferring instead to dress in male boxer shorts and undershirts when not nude, imitating their idol, professional lesbian oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock...

The dispute was settled by arbitrator and chief towel boy Lefty, following a three-way "conference" behind closed doors between him, Latrina and midget lesbian security guard, Deputy Dumpy Bunny...Lefty announced that a threatened strike was cancelled as committee members agreed to raise lesbian wages to 40 cents while lowering poofter wages to the same amount...

RHM did not protest the change when he learned that IRS agents would no longer audit his tip jar on their frequent bath house visits on the promise of a discounted door fee for federal employees...Meanwhile Lefty changed his Facebook status to indicate he is now dating Latrina, as well as Dumpy Bunny and Ms. McLeglock on alternate Thursdays...

Shown below, part of a multi-agency task force prepares to enter the bath house on a daily unannounced lunchtime compliance inspection...

More Local News articles...

Report: HABH&PE ‘Zeroed In’ On Poofters Locker Room Attendant In DeflateGate Investigation...

http://boston.cbslocal.com/2015/01/26/report-nfl-zeroed-in-on-patriots-locker-room-attendant-in-deflategate-investigation/

Sports crime investigators for INTERPOOF, the gay crimes enforcement agency, are said to be "zeroing in" on a suspect in the recent scandal concerning deflated "marital aids" used in the Bath House Olympics semi-finals...Favored contender and perennial champion Lefty called foul when unable to get the correct bounce from his inflatable "date" in the last round of the competition...

Coming from a strong first-place finish in the nude leapfrog competition, Lefty was the odds on favorite to win the Ironman/Rubberwoman Biathlon until it was noticed his rebound technique was out of time, causing him to lose points in this synchronized event...Security camera footage shows an off-duty men's room attendant known only as RHM accepting a Taco Bell sack later found to contain an undetermined amount of cash from two burly individuals wearing raincoats and WNBA caps...

Under questioning, a visibly nervous RHM claimed the money was his change from his lunch delivery from Taco Bell, and the two burly individuals were lesbian students  working their way through college on a basketball scholarship...However, RHM could not immediately explain his recent remittance in full for past due payments on the business loan for his male lingerie boutique from Swifty's All-night Bail Bond, Repo & Payday Loan Co...

RHM could only mutter that "tips were good last week" as INTERPOOF detectives vowed to press their probe into the arrears rising from the scandal...Meanwhile, sports correspondent Dan reports, "Reports are reportedly assistant attendant towel boy Lefty was swiping and selling the poofters' underwear after each game."...

Shown below, the two student suspects are shown celebrating the results of the DNA tests which prove conclusively they are indeed lesbians...

More Police & Court articles...

More Sports articles...

Pitchers push for more arms in bath house...

http://espn.go.com/mlb/story/_/id/12134017/hall-fame-pitchers-push-more-join-cooperstown

As the new season approaches, talk has increased in the bath houses of America concerning the relative importance of pitchers and catchers in the poofter games...The one thing that all the fans agree on is that the game can only be played if the pitcher has endurance and if his equipment can stand up until the finish...

Taking a cue from his connections in the porn video industry, Coach Lefty of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Sporting Association, has brought in extra arms as fluffers to ensure that the pitching staffs are always up to the task...The Ben-Gay Corporation has underwritten a sponsorship to keep the muscles in those arms free from soreness...

When asked whether the sport was becoming too specialized, unlike the amateur gay sportsmen who rely on their own initiative in keeping a stiff upper lip, Coach Lefty replied, "The days when a utility man like myself could do it all were finished when the professionals took over"...

The coach referred to his own experience in the bush leagues when he was expected to catch as well as pitch, and was required to maintain his own equipment at his own expense...Shown below are the team's lesbian equipment managers making sure the K-Y Jelly supply is kept stirred to the proper temperature...

More Sports articles...

Next Marine rotation Down Under to include more lesbos...

http://www.marinecorpstimes.com/story/military/2015/01/24/1st-battalion-4th-marines-headed-to-australia/22189965/

Vice Commodore Lefty (Ret.) of the Mounted Horse Marines has announced changes in the rotation schedule for the next major Marine deployment...When it was made known that the assignment would be "down under," the volunteer list was suddenly filled with every lesbian in the Corps, including some male cross-dressers awaiting their gender reassignment surgeries in the VA Clinic...

Comm. Lefty himself has asked for reinstatement to active duty as an observer in all barracks, nude beach and massage parlor operations in this important military undertaking...Filing his briefs, the Commodore said, "This deployment will demand the strictest attention to detail in assuring these rugmunchers perform their duties in an orderly, proficient military manner, and my vast experience in observing lesbians will be invaluable to the Corps"...

New recruit and former deputy, Dumpy Bunny, assigned to Military Police duties vowed to strictly enforce all military dress codes (including cross-dress codes) by performing on the spot strip searches of all lesbians suspected of padding their portfolios...When asked why she volunteered for this mission, she stated, "Because it's down under, and that's where the action is"...

A former Utah National Guard member, now known only as Father X, will serve as the unit's chaplain and will offer the blessings of St. Britney to all believers, and additionally will closely regulate the issuance of Coors ration cards by sampling random purchases from the base liquor store...

Shown below are some of the sacred religious artifacts entrusted to Chaplain X, and used in the performance of his spiritual duties...

More Religion articles...

More Government & Military articles...