Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Lefty injured...

As part of his court-ordered community service, towel boy Lefty often holds safe sex lectures in the hot tub area of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

While demonstrating safe sex for the benefit of some newly initiated poofters at the bath house, Lefty momentarily lost his grip and hit himself in the forehead with his fist...Fortunately Parkercare medical insurance for towel boys covered the cost of the injury, but did not pay for the spilled Slurpee which Lefty was holding between his knees...

Shown below are the required insurance photos of the injury scene...



More Health & Medicine articles...
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Mysterious Odor Prompts Evacuation Of 100 Homos In South Houston...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/14/mysterious-odor-pennsylvania_n_5583253.html

Officials say they are hours, perhaps days away from sounding the all-clear signal as a mysterious, malingering odor has permeated the Hobby Airport area, forcing the evacuation of at least a hundred homos from the popular bath house district...First reports indicate the malodorous aroma first surfaced as a bath house towel boy returned from his scheduled lunch break...

As the towel boy (identified only as "Lefty" to protect his identity) clocked in from lunch at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, doorman Big "Tiny" Balsac reported feeling ill and asked to be seen by the house physician, Dr. Tchytz...As the incident seemed to center on the hot tub locker room, Dr. Tchytz ordered an immediate quarantine, effectively trapping several bathers in the same room with Lefty and senior men's room attendant, RHM...

Dr. Tchytz also ordered the evacuation of the entire neighborhood in order to prevent a bigger disaster...However, an elderly, eccentric retired civil engineer refused to leave until he had finished downloading a skidloader porn video from the Dave Grubb tractor pornography website...He then became enraged when a KHOU mobile news unit erected its broadcast antenna between his Braniff Street mansion and the home of his neighbor, Ted, somehow blocking his wifi reception...

At this time, Hobby Airport SWAT units have the home surrounded and are trying to negotiate a peaceful settlement through his daughter who insists the VA clinic must have switched his prescriptions again...

As of this writing, the famed legal team of Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. and the Cascade Kitchen Counselor are preparing a class action lawsuit against the city on behalf of the displaced poofters, most of whom stated they couldn't tell a difference between the bath house steam room and the regular Houston humidity outdoors...

Houston's lesbo Mayor Parker, seeking to lessen the political damage, ordered the Obama wind turbines waiting for shipment at the ship channel, to immediately begin pumping the relatively better air from Houston's Turning Basin and the Pasadena chemical plants to displace the fouler air emanating from the bath house locker room...She will also permit the gay frolickers who were forced outdoors to remain nude until the situation is resolved...

Shown below, ship channel wind turbines churn 24 hours per day to freshen the Hobby Airport area atmosphere...

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Dawn Of The Planet Of The Poofters review...

http://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-reviews/dawn-planet-apes-review-apes-3847034

The newest release from Steamroom Productions, "Dawn of the Planet of the Poofters," by producer/director Lefty, is said to have escaped rather than released...Weekend ticket sales have been disappointing as the film opens in selected gay "couples theaters"...

Lefty's unusual casting of lesbian nude oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock and rank sissyweight prizefighter, RHM, are said to have been due more to budget constraints than star attraction...The only veteran actor in the cast is gay pornstar, Arnold Swollenpecker, who joined the cast to pay off a gambling debt, and retrieve his clothes after his scenes were shot...

Cameos were performed by gender reassignment specialist, Dr. Tchytz as the evil scientist, and international fugitive, Ifar Toften as the double agent...The cast will be available for autographs in the lobby until their probation curfews, and Lefty will be available in the theater men's room for interviews and blow jobs...

Poofter film critic Rex Reed wrote the only positive review since he found an unchewed stick of Juicy Fruit in the cupholder of his theater seat...

Seen below, french troops march to a mandatory screening of the film as a training aid...

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Potato King Introduces "Proud" Whopper for San Francisco Gay Pride...

http://www.eonline.com/news/556633/burger-king-introduces-proud-whopper-for-san-francisco-gay-pride-watch-what-happens

Newly formed fast food franchise, Potato King, got plenty of attention when its spokesmodel, Lefty, arrived at San Francisco's gay pride parade dressed only in his trademark rainbow-colored codpiece...On hand to promote the introduction of his "Proud Whopper," Lefty asked everybody who examined his centrally located russet, "You want fries with that?"...

Pictured below, a performer warms up the crowd for Lefty's arrival...


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Toilet at Mont. courthouse explodes...

http://www.aol.com/article/2014/06/27/toilet-at-mont-courthouse-explodes/20921214/?ncid=webmail2

Authorities are questioning a prisoner who was awaiting his turn in arraignment court on charges of loitering near a broken window at a locker room in the local YWCA...The prisoner, identified only as "Lefty," was allowed to use the restroom before facing the judge and was seen entering the stall with a Taco Bell sack in his hands...

Disgraced midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny was on restroom guard duty as she is one of the few officers who can check on prisoners under toilet stall doors without bending over...She was unavailable for comment...

More on this developing story later...Pictured below is the scene of the incident...

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A Doctor Without Pants Calls Hobby Airport Home...

http://wwno.org/post/doctor-without-borders-calls-new-orleans-home

Dr.Tchytz, a founding member of Doctors Without Pants (DWP), has vowed to give up his globetrotting practice and make the Hobby Airport area his permanent home...This decision was initiated in part by a recent court decision restricting his movements to within a hundred yards of his lucrative Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop...

The doctor said being a member of DWP was a big help after his sentencing since getting tight fitting Wranglers over the required ankle monitor would be difficult...Previously Dr. Tchytz kept his passport busy with keeping up with his wealthy fugitive patient, Norwegian poofter Ifar Toften...Mr. Toften has managed to stay ahead of several outstanding INTERPOOF warrants, but cannot outrun his need for treatment of various stubborn venereal diseases...

Mr. Toften will now be able to seek medical help in the open thanks to his diplomatic status gained after his conversion to a Muslim sect devoted to buttsex, and consequent appointment as UN ambassador from the new islamic state of Bendovirntakit...Ambassador Toften has also taken residence in the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, and had its unisex locker room declared as a consulate for his delegation...

In addition he negotiated a deal with Father Lefty of the nearby Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity in which Muslim services for his sect will be conducted in the nude as members bend low over their prayer rugs...Father Lefty was reluctant to dual-purpose his rectory until the ambassador made a love offering with his VISA card at the ATM outside the confessional...

Seen below is Dr. Tchytz clowning with other fun-loving doctors between operations...


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Lefty Lapoof taken into police custody after disrupting Cabaret performance...

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/shia-labeouf-police-custody-cabaret-show-article-1.1846072

The bath house entertainer known as Lefty LaPoof was arrested for disorderly and smelly conduct after becoming enraged over a contractual error...Lefty's dietary requirements are such that he needs a regular intake of Taco Bell chili burritos to maintain his internal pressure and prevent implosion...

Upon arrival for his performance on "The Naked Chef" on prime time Pooftervision, he was offered a plate of Taco Grande bean quesadillas which he considers inferior...He then refused to go on the show which was being taped before a mostly live audience...

Lefty had earlier agreed to perform his famous "3 Egg Flip" in which he simultaneously flips three fried eggs in three separate skillets with only the aid of Gorilla Brand duct tape while otherwise nude...Following his arrest, his act was hurriedly replaced by an exhibition match between sissyweight prizefighter, RHM, and champion nude lesbian oil wrestler, Mazola McLeglock...

Results of the match have not yet been posted, and Lefty is still awaiting arraignment as no judge has been found who will accept the charges in his courtroom...

Seen below, a stunt double tries and fails to duplicate Lefty's trick while clothed...


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High court strikes Hobby airport 'poofter zone'...

http://www.politico.com/story/2014/06/supreme-court-massachusetts-abortion-buffer-zone-mccullen-v-coakley-108348.html

In a devastating blow to the bath house community the highest court in the land (and getting higher every day) struck down the "poofter zone" established by Houston's lesbo Mayor Parker...The mayor had previously established the entire Hobby Airport area as "straight free" except for a palatial Braniff Street mansion which was grandfathered in because its owner had lived there since the Grover Cleveland administration...

The famed law team of Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. and the Cascade Kitchen Counselor plan to appeal the decision after the completion of their sentences for jury tampering...Meanwhile chief towel boy Lefty of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium has pledged to contribute to the mounting legal fund by increasing his pilferage efforts in the clients' locker room...

Pictured below is one of the vicious guard dogs stationed around the zone's perimeter by a concerned Mayor Parker...

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Neanderthal Poofters Ate Their Wedgies, Based on Poop Analysis...

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2014-06-25/neanderthals-ate-their-veggies-based-on-poop-analysis.html

Just like fun-loving gays in today's world, neanderthal poofters enjoyed giving each other wedgies, according to Professor Lefty of the Institute For Advanced Lesbian Studies...The professor made the discovery while excavating a prehistoric bath house...

Said Professor Lefty, "These homos all wore leopardskin Fruit-of-the-Looms and apparently went around pulling each other's undies up over their heads just like modern-day poofters...What was surprising was to find evidence that they then ate the wedgies in some sort of tribal ritual"...

The professor has attributed this strange practice to a lack of pizza delivery businesses in the prehistoric world...


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RHMBrands to Buy Rival DBApparel for About $5.44...


Famed designer and operator of a male lingerie boutique, RHM, has announced his intended purchase of the primary maker of skivvies for french poofters...Says RHM, "I generally don't care for the french because they're all so faggoty, but they have some innovative designs in male lingerie"...

RHM noted their patented "short johns" with trap doors front and rear which open inward to prevent their potatoes from falling out...RHM explained that the french potato famine has put russets on the endangered tuber list, and conservation efforts such as this protect the harvest...

When asked why the odd number in his $5.44 offer for the designer label, RHM explained that this was all that was in the towel boys' tip jar when he applied for the loan from his brother, Lefty...RHM advises that the prototype skivvies pictured below will not be available for importation in white as white garments are considered military equipment in France in case of an emergency surrender...

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Defamation...

Current affairs correspondent Dan files this brief, "Truckman has not been seen at any of his usual locations...Police are searching the adhesives aisles in local Home Depots, senior buffets in Luby's Cafeterias and all known nudist camp peepholes...

Fowl play is not suspected as Truckman doesn't like chicken...Lefty surmises, "The old dude's in jail; he got married; or the Federales caught him smuggling guns into Patton Village."

Update: Truckman advises us through one of his nieces and dietitian, "Lefty always gets it wrong...I was once sentenced to marriage in jail for smuggling guns out of Patton Village...If Lefty had anything worth taking, I'd sue him..."


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Woman with fake handlebar mustache robs UT bank...


Crime reporter Dan issues this timely bulletin, "Woman with fake handlebar mustache robs UT bank " ... The woman was identified by her panties tattoo'd on by Dave Grubb Panties Inc. as Bertha Bunghole, a lesbian towel person of undecided gender at the Patton Village Poofters Bath house.  The fake mustache was Lefty's crotch hair piece which he wears to enhance the potato in his jock strap.

Update: Lefty has requested the return of his merkin at the end of Bertha's trial...The DA has vowed not to keep it a second longer than necessary...

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'Foreskins' stripped of trademarks...

http://www.politico.com/story/2014/06/washington-redskins-trademarks-canceled-107990.html

"In a major blow to the South Houston Foreskins, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office on Wednesday canceled six federal trademarks of the “South Houston Foreskins” team name because it was found to be “disparaging” to native poofters."

RHM, manager of the male lingerie boutique at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, cheered the move and announced a "half-off" sale on formal codpieces today in celebration...Said RHM, "That means the sales clerks will wear their thongs half-off, but the prices are the same"...

Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies had this to say, "As long as they don't mess with the Green Bay Fudge Packers until after Sunday's game, I'm OK with it...I've got money on that game"...

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Norway running short of options as it tries to improve poofter ties with China...

http://www.scmp.com/news/world/article/1604014/norway-running-short-options-it-tries-improve-ties-china

Negotiations have hit a new snag in Norwegian attempts to improve relations with Chinese poofters...Chinese Minister of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung, explains, "Stinky Norwegian poofter sneak into bath house, now won't go away!"...

His Excellency referred to the long running feud with the two nations over international fugitive, Ifar Toften, and his attempts to avoid extradition to Norway to face morals charges and several unpaid laundry bills...In his escape from justice, Mr. Toften managed to enter a popular Beijing bath house hidden in a load of bath linen, some say with the help of a bath house towel boy named Lef Ti...

The problem became complicated when it was discovered that the Chinese bath house was actually on the property of the Norwegian embassy giving Mr. Toften diplomatic poofter immunity...Attempts to remove Mr. Toften have been forestalled by the powerful IKEA lobbyists who are thought to be involved with his lucrative bedsheet smuggling operation across the Norway/Sweden border...

New efforts are being made as a request for help from the international poofter crime investigation agency, INTERPOOF, has been answered by famed detective and lingerie designer, Inspector RHM...The renowned inspector was touring his own string of male lingerie boutiques throughout China, and agreed to initiate an investigation into the bath house controversy...

Minister Dung expressed his pleasure at the decision, "RHM always get to bottom of poofter problems and maybe gift poor Chinese laundryman with negligee in my size"...

Shown below, Chinese poofters rehearse the traditional welcome dance for RHM...

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Monday, September 29, 2014

Tragedy in Gonzales County...

200 sheep dead in Oregon trailer crash

In a tragedy of unheard of proportions, the annual June mass wedding on the courthouse steps led by the Reverend Ernest has been cancelled as all 200 of the mail order brides have died in a tragic accident on their way to their nuptials from Oregon...Director Lefty of the federally funded Sheep And Goat Love Organization (SAGLO) has dispatched grief counselors for the distraught grooms...

As this was to be Reverend Ernest's main income for the year, he has applied to the Obama administration for disaster relief funds...

Below in a publicity still from Reverend Ernest's website, a bride and her bridesmaids prepare for the happy event...


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EPA continues to monitor pants spill near Conroe...

http://www.yourhoustonnews.com/courier/news/epa-continues-to-monitor-denbury-oil-spill-near-conroe/article_a81fb684-e43c-5d95-af8c-3d44a2b9bc70.html

Agents from the EPA (Emergency Pants Assistants) have been dispatched to investigate a large pants spill near Conroe...Preliminary reports indicate the spill was initiated when an itinerant towel boy, whose credit was cut off at the the pay toilet facility near his home at Hobby Airport, was trying to make it to the federally funded facility for indigent poofters at Cut-n-Shoot, and could no longer prevent spillage...

An elderly retired gun dealer who witnessed the incident while on his way to the Salvation Army soup kitchen spoke on a promise of anonymity, "This tragedy could have been averted if the border guards stationed at checkpoints around Conroe had routed the poofter around the city instead of leaving their posts for lunch...It clearly shows the lack of responsibility of the Obama administration to increase security for us fixed income retirees"...

Famed underwear engineer, RHM, said that records show the towel boy's Fruit of the Looms were overdue for inspection of the mandatory blowout preventer...RHM has called for additional funding for federal skivvy inspectors...

Pictured below is an undercover federal underwear inspector on duty at the lesbian cruise liner docking area in the Houston Ship Channel...

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Doctors endorse crackdown on e-chaw...

http://thehill.com/policy/healthcare/208796-doctor-slam-marketing-of-electronic-cigarettes-to-minors

After an exhaustive study of E-Chaw (or electronic chewing tobacco), Dr. Tchytz of the Braniff Street Sex Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop has announced his findings...The doctor recommends all users keep their cracks downwind until they are retrofitted with activated charcoal filters for their Fruit-of-the-Looms...

Dr. Tchytz explained, "Our study found that E-Chaw increases gaseous emissions and is at least as addictive as plant based chewing tobacco"...The doctor cited the case of a local towel boy who volunteered as a test subject...He identified him only as "Subject Lefty" to protect his anonymity...

According to Dr. Tchytz, "Subject Lefty is a lifelong user of Red Man chewing tobacco as are most poofters...He was part of a control group who were given a placebo, in this case shredded AA batteries"...The study showed that EPA air quality warnings went into the red alert area every time Subject Lefty placed a pinch between cheek and gum...

In addition the boutique manager of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, RHM, reported selling out his entire battery supply to lesbians who complained of an outbreak of thefts from their portable stimulation devices...RHM said, "Sales are up, but I had to double security on my own inventory"...


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Source: Possible 'man testicles' found in Hobby Airport shoutings...

http://www.cnn.com/2014/06/09/justice/las-vegas-shooting/

The bizarre incident which occurred at the popular Braniff Street attraction, the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, allegedly began when angry towel boy, Lefty, began shouting and cursing poofters who departed the locker room without leaving anything in the tip jar...

Lefty explained his displeasure, "This is the thanks I get for helping these fat homos get their equipment dried off when they can't reach it themselves...Some of them even think the tip jar is a cuspidor for their Red Man chew"...

One of the bath house's clients spoke anonymously, "We just don't have anything left for tips because of the locker room pilferage that goes on while we're in the hot tubs and massage rooms...Security chief, Big 'Tiny' Balsac, told me he can't be everywhere at once, but the only place I ever see him is at the peephole into the nude lesbian yoga class"...

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Freed towel boy's hometown cancels rally amid anger over poofter swap...


Feelings of euphoria over the freeing of captured towel boy, Lefty, by his Turkish captors quickly changed to anger amid allegations that Lefty "switched sides" during his captivity...Lefty had been abducted by members of a Turkish steam room in Pasadena after leaving the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium for his daily Taco Bell lunch break...

His release was arranged following negotiations which included the freedom of five visiting Turkish poofters who refused to pay their bath house dues over a currency exchange dispute...A celebration was planned in the Braniff Street hot tub facility until rumors surfaced that Lefty had entertained a host of lesbians in the nudist swimming facility in Pasadena, and converted them to his beliefs during his captivity...

The enraged poofters of the Hobby Airport community have demanded a full investigation, and have sworn to get to the bottom of the controversy...Lefty's negotiator, Fonda Dix, says these things are to be expected since the bath house membership voted to go unisex...The move was heavily endorsed by the soap-on-a-rope lobbyists...

Shown below is the controversial photographic evidence submitted by embedded lesbo photographer, Trixie LaTush...

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Tactical response...


Transportation correspondent Dan files this brief, "Houston Metro responds to those TWAT team rumors" ... Complaints over Metro driver Lefty for twiddling with passenger TWATs has been responded to. Lefty is now forbidden to stick his head up lady passengers dresses to look for terrorist bombs.

Speaking in his own defense, Lefty says not a single lady passenger has blown up a bus while he was on duty...

Shown below is an experimental methane powered bus being tested by Lefty Laboratories and underwritten by the breakfast menu at Taco Bell...
More Travel & Holiday articles...
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Skin it...


Medical correspondent Dan reports from the hospital, "Man charged with stealing human skin from hospital" ...Lefty, who was in the hospital for his assteroids, says he took the skin to fix his pee-pee which had callouses on it from playing with it. The doctors also found two potatoes in his underwear.

Update: Unfortunately the poofter ward where Lefty was treated had to be quarantined due to an outbreak of potato blight...


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Top and bottom review ordered...


Agency watchdog Dan files this bulletin, "Top-to-bottom review ordered at embattled sex-offender agency" ... Lefty, who offends both sexes and small animals, says his bottom is available for review, and any other probes.

Update: Lefty has always had an open door policy...Trap door that is...

Shown below is an undated photo from Lefty's family album showing the siblings participating in Dad Swifty's lottery to see who's next...

More Politics articles...
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Lightning blows hole in Hobby Airport church...

http://bermudasun.bm/Content/News/Latest-News/Article/Lightning-blows-hole-in-Southampton-church/3/1297/77762

Following the unfortunate incident after last night's bean burrito church supper, Father Lefty of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity announces that the weather forecast will be consulted for thunderstorm activity before the entree is served at future suppers...Also Father Lefty requests donations for new choir robes after the failure of the newly installed blowout preventers...


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Man eats own hip, calls it fart...

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2014/05/26/newser-man-eats-hip/9593153/

"A Norwegian art student says the deformed hip that caused him a lifetime of pain became something much more pleasant when boiled and served with potatoes, but caused severe and uncontrollable flatulence..."

The student said he followed specific instructions from world renowned Norwegian culinary expert and international fugitive, Ifar Toften, but now believes he may have misinterpreted Chef Toften's advice due to a linguistic difference between northern and southern Norwegian dialects...According to Dr. RHM of the Parkmyfjord Bath House & School of Languages, Chef Toften speaks southern Norwegian with a distinct lisp which the student poofter may have misunderstood...

Chef Toften meant to say, "If you want your bone to look larger, stuff a russet potato between your hips"...The student, using the popular Poofter Translator app on his IPhone thought he said, "Cut out your hip bone and boil it with potatoes"...

Dr. RHM, developer of the IPhone app, blamed an incompetent lab assistant named Lefty, and apologized for any inconvenience or incontinence...

"Now he tells me" said the one-legged transgendered poofter (below)...


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Sunday, September 28, 2014

Indianapolis 500...

In the tradition of the holiday, the Indianapolis Bath House Association will sponsor the Memorial Day Indy 500 tomorrow...Each year the 500 most highly acclaimed poofters from America's gay community gather to show their skills...

As we know, last year the Rock Hudson trophy was retired after towel boy Lefty sucked a regulation Titleist golf ball through a 50 foot Sears garden hose in less than two seconds, a record which experts say can never be matched...This year Lefty will be Grand Marshal of the annual poofter parade modeling the latest codpiece from RHM's male lingerie boutique...

Seen below is the beginning of the heavyweight freestyle event...



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Officers arrest naked man at White House gate...


White House police have code-named the suspect "Lefty" until positive ID can be made since he had no identification and no place to carry identification...The detainee told police he was there to service the presidential hot tub and was wearing what he normally works in...

Update from political analyst Dan: Officers have identified the naked man as Lefty from potato squashings on his behinder. Lefty claims he just misread the sign 'White House' and thought it said 'Out House'.

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Class registration...


Adult education correspondent Dan has this story, "Man charged with exposing himself to students near Spring Branch schools" ... Lefty claims he was going to the school to register for his third year in the 5th grade, and the potato in his jockey shorts got crosswise causing his pants to fall down causing his pee-pee to peek out.

Update: The exposure might have gone unnoticed except the little girl sitting next to Lefty was eating peanuts, and dropped one into Lefty's lap...When she politely retrieved it there was some confusion over which was the peanut and which was his pee-pee...

The little girl got a head start on anatomy class and Lefty got three days detention...The detention supervisor is now said to be expecting a baby...

 Shown below, 5th grader Lefty in his usual seat...

More Education articles...
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De-bugging technology...


Science correspondent Dan files this brief, "Giant robot bugs coming to the Houston Zoo ... The bugs were traced to Lefty and his electric robot blow-up doll. Apparently Lefty's crabs mated with the robot's bugs, because as you know, they often find bugs in electronics equipment.  The new robot bugs, like Lefty, are AC/DC"

Update: On hearing the news, the manager of the elephant dung disposal facility, who was only one week from retirement, quit in disgust...He said he didn't want to take a chance on catching anything Lefty had been exposed to...

Shown below is a new warning poster ordered at all Houston Zoo entrances by a concerned Mayor Parker...

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Oldest petrified sperm discovered in Australia...

http://www.autoworldnews.com/articles/7412/20140514/oldest-petrified-sperm-ever-discovered-in-australia-photos.htm

Scientific researchers have located the oldest petrified sperm yet while excavating a prehistoric bath house in Australia...Professor Lefty of the Institute For Advanced Lesbian Studies explains, "What we found is humongous!...This dude must have been really popular"...

"The fossilized sperm comes from an ancient cave in Australia's Riverslight World Heritage Fossil Site, where "Bat" Guano falling into the water may have helped preserve the cells..."

As followers of the story know, "Bat" Guano was a legendary poofter thought to have visited gay bath houses in the Paleolithic Era...His existence has yet to be proved, but if he left this sperm here, it may provide other evidence...

Research assistant, RHM, tells the story, "Legend has it that 'Bat' Guano had a pecker the size of a modern Louisville Slugger, and left his mark by dragging it through the mud found in early untidy hot tub rooms...The evidence we've uncovered suggests it may be true"...

Professor Lefty also stated that the stalactites found hanging from the ceilings of many caves throughout the world may not be mineral deposits as long thought, but actually the result of "distance contests" between early poofters as they sought dominance in the prehistoric bath house caves...

Shown below, stalactites found in Neanderthal "bath cave"...


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Testing, testing...

Public safety correspondent Dan files this report, "Lefty, who is often pulled over for traffic violations, cannot be given the regular breath-alyzer test due to gaseous fumes he emits, so he has to take the written test"

Editor's note: We understand that Lefty is more accustomed to oral tests...

Sometimes anal if he's in the mood...

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Utah resident becomes next to confront Bureau of Beer Management, in growing debate...

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2014/05/10/utah-residents-become-next-to-confront-bureau-land-management-in-growing-debate/

A retired Utah political analyst and former forum administrator has barricaded himself in a state-owned liquor store to protest the removal of Coors beer from the shelves...The elderly retiree became enraged when the alcohol content of the Coors was lowered to .02% making it eligible as a water substitute, but no longer qualifying as beer...

A local religious leader, Father Lefty of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity, has offered himself as a hostage when he heard the retiree had entered the liquor store with seven of his wives and four of his lesbian fiancées...Father Lefty, in a courageous and selfless act, vowed to throw his body over the women in case of a SWAT invasion...

Father Lefty brought with him a sixpack of Hamm's with which to distract the elderly statesman, but had no explanation for the fishnet stockings and Johnson's Baby Oil found under his cassock...

Shown below, the retiree's personal vehicle was located in a nearby parking lot...

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