North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un just had incredible fun times on a goat farm...

http://metro.co.uk/2015/05/11/north-koreas-kim-jong-un-just-had-incredible-fun-times-on-a-farm-5192276/

Noting the interest taken in goat husbandry by other Asian poofter leaders, North Korea's Kim Jong-un has taken it upon himself to investigate the phenomenon by visiting the goat worship campus of Hindu holy man, Rama Lambda Ernest, in the tranquil hills of Gonzales County...Joining Kim in the pursuit of higher education was his colleague, Honorable Master Lef Ti of China's PF Chang Poofter & Laundry Academy...

The meeting began with an exchange of gifts as Rama Lambda Ernest offered the two orientals a tray of chili burritos made exclusively with vegetarian chili since Ernest observes strict Hindu dietary laws by not consuming meat...Kim and Lef Ti then offered Ernest a version of Hamm's beer brewed under license in Pyongyang from a revised formula including rice and recycled rickshaw tires since the more traditional ingredients are in short supply in North Korea...

Rama Lambda Ernest expressed his gratitude since the only liquid refreshment he had on hand was a large supply of Coors left over from an interfaith conference with Father X of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity who left it behind as he always traveled with a tap-equipped tanker truck...Kim and Lef Ti seemed confused about Ernest's non-meat diet as they had been told of a method developed by the Hindu holy man for tenderizing even the toughest meat...

Ernest said the method was actually a part of his nightly religious ceremony in which he expresses his special love for his goat herd, after which even the rowdiest animal becomes a tender companion content to sleep peacefully at his side...After the demonstration the two Asians agreed this is a side of animal affection they had never considered, and promised to introduce it to the Asian bath house community...

Rama Lambda Ernest expressed his concern over stories of alleged cruelty toward Korean goat herds by Kim's uncle and military defense chief...Kim assured Ernest that the matter was no longer a worry as his uncle had been accidentally executed by anti-aircraft fire during a training exercise by the North Korean air force (pictured below)...

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China slams 'futile' Philistine occupation of disputed bath house...

http://www.reuters.com/article/2015/05/12/us-southchinasea-philippines-china-idUSKBN0NX14F20150512

In a sabre-rattling show of power, Director Hu Flung Dung of China's Ministry of Laundry, reputed by some to be the "most powerful poofter in the world," has thrown down the gauntlet (as well as his thong) over the latest incursion into China's sovereignty as muslim homo extremists sent by Iran's Minister of Steamrooms, Ayatollah Leph te Rashitch, now occupy a remote bath house claimed by both nations...Referring to the jihadist invaders as "Philistines," in an obvious attempt to enrage Leph te, Director Dung has sent a stern warning to the Iranians saying, "Stinky bedouins no belong there! Must leave now!"...

Replying to the threat through the UN Department of Poofter Relations, Leph te announced that the disputed bath house was in the possession of members of Islamic State United Kingdom (ISUK) who have vowed occupation at least until the El Producto cigar supply is exhausted...The contested bath house is located on a remote island in the South China Sea, far from territories normally associated with islamic poofters...

Leph te claims ISUK's occupancy is legitimate because of a small herd of goats brought there centuries ago by Iranian explorers, and now tended by a lone goatherder...Director Dung challenged the Iranian claims by pointing out that the goatherder converted to Hinduism after a prolonged visit by the leader of an obscure Hindu sect named Rama Lambda Ernest, who demonstrated the advantages of his special form of goat worship...

As tempers continue to flare, and fumes continue to rise from the jihadists due to their strict diet of Red Sea sardine and curdled goat cheese sandwiches, world poofter leaders are expecting President Obama to send UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty in an attempt to settle the dispute peacefully...Speaking from his office in the UN, Ambassador Lefty said, "All these homos ever want is more Dove soap bars to drop, and Hamm's beer to wash down those sandwiches, and they expect the American taxpayers to foot the bill"...

Sources close to President Obama say he has issued orders from the oval hot tub to have two Air Force C-17's loaded with Dove soap, Hamms's beer, El Producto cigars and fresh towels standing by to leave as soon as Ambassador Lefty packs his suitcase and gets his ankle monitor re-programmed...Shown below is the ambassador's office door in the UN building where he is expected to emerge shortly for his journey...

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San Francisco Bans Chewing Tobacco at Poofter Venues...

http://time.com/3852742/san-francisco-bans-chewing-tobacco/

In a move sure to incur the wrath of gays everywhere, the chairman of San Francisco's Joint Chiefs of Bath House Districts has announced a ban on chewing tobacco at all bath houses, massage parlors, lesbian yoga classes and all sanctioned poofter assemblies...In justifying the move, the committee's press release states that the chairman is tired of stepping in tobacco spit every time he enters a communal shower room to enjoy a session of soap-dropping...

The chairman further complained that although all bath houses in San Francisco were furnished with brass cuspidors for the use of clients by taxing the assets of the five remaining straight citizens in the area, poofters continue to spit on the floors and out open windows without regard as to who might get hit with the residue...He said the laundry bills to remove tobacco stains from tailored Armani suits for himself as well as his husband and his boyfriends have almost doubled this year...

A storm of protest has already been raised from poofters and lesbians who insist that chewing tobacco keeps their jaw muscles strong and firm as they engage in their activities...Many San Franciscans have threatened to defy the law even though the chairman has ordered surveillance cameras to monitor illegal tobacco sales at all licensed marijuana and crack cocaine street vendors in the city...

Sports activity may also be affected as the Red Man Chewing Tobacco Co. has announced curtailment of its sponsorship of the popular Lesbolympic games...Senior coach Lefty of the South Houston Lesbolympic Committee says that sign-up rosters for nude leapfrog and dildo relay races have already suffered reductions...

When asked whether similar rules are being prepared locally, Chairman Dewey Cheatham of the Hobby Airport Bath House District said, "We take our directions from Houston's lesbian mayor, Annise Parker, but we don't expect any changes since she and her wife both chew"...A canvas of neighborhood residents by our reporter got this statement from an elderly, eccentric recluse, "Red Man saves me money on hair dye because it keeps my whiskers brown; now get off my porch before I get my Beretta .25 out!"...

Pictured below, parolee halfway-house residents attempt to clean the recluse's tobacco-stained porch as part of their community service before the recluse's long-suffering daughter gets home...

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Off-duty officer bit man’s groin during fight...

http://www.seattletimes.com/nation-world/police-off-duty-officer-bit-mans-groin-during-fight/

Off-duty security officer Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian, faces suspension following charges brought during a scuffle with a patron outside a popular Hobby Airport area bath house...The incident began when the belligerent officer ended her shift by inspecting for new peepholes to the nude lesbian yoga classroom from the towel boys' locker room, and after clocking out, observed another off-duty employee, towel boy Lefty, trying to gain entrance to the lesbian nudist sun deck disguised as a woman...

Without clocking back in or pinning her badge on, she confronted Lefty and challenged his gender in order to deny him access to the lesbian-only area...She later said her trained police officer's eye told her immediately that Lefty had stuffed his brassiere with the potatoes he usually carries in his underwear to enhance his manhood...

Ordering Lefty to halt in her squeaky, annoying voice, she then clamped her jaws around his male member, causing him to fall to the ground in pain...She said her intention was to subdue him by biting him on the kneecap since her hands were already full with the sacks of confiscated lesbian "entertainment devices" she was planning to turn in as evidence...

In his statement, Lefty claimed he didn't recognize her due to his impaired vision caused by fumes from the non-hypoallergenic eye make-up he was wearing, and when he turned to comply with her order, his four-inch heels broke...Ms. Bunny alleged that his fall threw her aim off causing his groin injury...

Emergency medical technicians called to the scene from Dr. Tchytz's nearby sex reassignment clinic removed Ms. Bunny's partial dental plate from Lefty's injury area, and turned it over to Hobby Airport Poofter Police as evidence...After identifying herself as a lesbian, the EMT's treated Ms. Bunny for testicle exposure by having her eat a sack of Taco Bell catfish tacos to get the taste out of her mouth...

Until all evidence and bribes have been collected and processed, both employees have been suspended by their bath house employer...Pictured below from police photographs, Lefty had no problem identifying Ms. Bunny on the far right in the standard police lineup...

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UK erection results: David Cameron pledges a 'poofter Britain'...

http://www.bbc.com/news/election-2015-32659720

Making his victory speech from London's fashionable Queen's Row Bath House & Poofter Emporium, Poofter Minister (PM) Cameron celebrated his hard-fought erection which was thought by some to be "unattainable"...Always the consummate politician, Cameron promised in his campaign he could achieve erection in the company of voting poofters as well as the lesbian constituency...

Since Cameron is thought to be a political ally of US President Obama, the President dispatched UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty to aid in the erection process...In Lefty's statement before his overseas flight, he said, "This Cameron guy is no homo, but I know a thing or two about erections in bath houses"...

At the appointed time, Cameron entered the poofter-filled steamroom behind his bulletproof towel, and drawing a deep breath began the manual of arms...Ambassador Lefty then unveiled the secret teleprompter which he had preloaded with lesbian porn, following which Cameron's interest and libido began to rise, obvious even from behind his towel...

After the unisex referee, RHM, certified it a fair erection, Cameron's opponents immediately called for a re-measurement in protest of the unconventional assistance of the video...However, Cameron had anticipated this by securing the services of newly appointed Poofter Solicitor Leftchester, recently returned from his successful defense at an American military court martial...

Leftchester's standing as a barrister gained new prestige as he referred to the recently discovered first draft of Charlemagne's landmark Magna Carta containing the right to depict lesbian porn on royal tapestries...Leftchester argued "original intent" even though the final version was altered due to a spilled mug of ale on the document by a court towel boy, which made that paragraph unreadable...

The defeated opponents then conceded the erection to Cameron...Shown below is the PM after a disappointing practice session before the arrival of Ambassador Lefty and his teleprompter...

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Coors sales miss estimates on lower demand, strong dollar...

http://in.reuters.com/article/2015/05/07/molsoncoors-results-idINL4N0XY4PI20150507

As expected, Coors' decision to "test the waters" in the upscale poofter market has met with stiff resistance as bath house clients continue to show their loyalty to the nearly undrinkable Hamm's product...Industry analyst Lefty explains, "Hey, if these homos want water they don't have to buy it by the can, their hot tubs are full of it"...

Other market watchers point to a hot spot of sales activity in the Moab desert where Coors is used in a ritual blessing by an offshoot of the crackpot religious group, the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity...The leader of the sect, a shadowy entity known only as Father X, is said to anoint himself 12 ounces at a time from 12 to 24 times a day as he worships video images of St. Britney...

The followers of this cult gather to worship daily where each row of beanbag pews is marked by an ATM where the faithful may exchange their dollars for scrip (at a competitive bank rate) which may then be spent at the package store conveniently located in the vestibule...After services, the worshipers pay homage to Father X at the steps of his rectory where they place offerings consisting of kegs and cases of Coors bought at the temple's package store...

When asked his opinion of how Hamm's acquired its unique taste, said to be reminiscent of gargling with stumpwater after chewing on one of Shaq O'Neal's gym socks following a hard practice, Lefty said, "Hey, the best thing you can say about it is, it ain't Coors"...In its original formula brought to Lower Mesopotamia by escaped slave towel boy, Igoleft the Lesser and his sissy brother, it was called the nectar of the gods, but degenerated over the centuries to what is today's Hamm's...

In another part of the country, patrons of upscale east coast bath houses are showing increasing interest in the products of Le Voyager ® Beverage Company...Shown below is one of Le Voyager's trained tracking dogs marking the location of another find in the continuing hunt for the all-natural ingredients in Le Voyager ® Cabbage Cider and Pinecone Wine...

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Tesla Ventures Into Solar Power Storage for Home and Massage Parlor...

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/01/business/energy-environment/with-new-factory-tesla-ventures-into-solar-power-storage-for-home-and-business.html?_r=0

Proving that you don't really need to know much English if you understand the business language, Armenian refugee Tesla D, a lesbian masseuse in the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, has announced through her translator that she is embarking upon an exciting new commercial venture...She has forged an alliance with RHM Industries for the purpose of importing and distributing a line of rechargeable solar batteries for vibrators and other lesbian "entertainment devices"...

Her statement was provided by spokesmodel Lefty of RHM Industries who said, "This babe has a product that will put the Energizer bunny in the dark"...According to Lefty, Tesla began thinking of a solution to power alternatives during the many power outages when the bath house executive board inadvertently forgot to pay the light bill before leaving on their many management seminars at luxury poofter resorts...

Even though Tesla's talented hands and other body parts were always able to finish the job for her lesbian clients, she said her power instruments would have allowed better usage of her time, and Lefty complained that the lack of light caused him to be forced to shut down his observation deck on the other side of the wall where he rented out peephole access by the minute...Using a connection in her native country, she began importing inexpensive, yet good quality, solar batteries in containers marked "secret muslim holy equipment, infidel do not open" in order to expedite customs clearance by Obama administration authorities...

Lefty explained further that the solar batteries are easily recharged by the lesbians when they lay on the nude beach to rest between their activity sessions...RHM Industries became interested when RHM found the batteries also fit the "Anal Intruder" device he sells in his male lingerie boutiques, and he signed on as distributor of the product...

Tesla will not be putting her full name on the product, but instead will use her copyrighted "Tesla D" brand since her Armenian surname cannot be pronounced by western tongues...Spokesmodel Lefty explained that the last westerner who attempted to pronounce her name developed such a severe stutter that she can now only communicate through sign language, but as a consequence of her lip movements, became a popular party guest at lesbian functions...

The innovative young masseuse is also test marketing attachments for her pleasure appliances which will provide some much needed oral hygiene opportunities for her clientele as illustrated below...

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