Saying, "It coulda been a lot worse," disgraced former US Army general David "Drypockets" Petraeus accepted the plea bargain worked out by his military lawyer, Vice Rear Commodore "Leftie" Leftchester (Ret.) of the Queen's Mounted Royal Horse Marines...Leftchester was summoned from retirement out of his part time employment as a towel boy in a London bath house by the Army's Poofter & Homo Advocate General (PHAG) as special counsel in this unprecedented court martial proceeding...
Having left the Queen's service in disgrace himself, Leftchester was grateful for the chance to improve his standing with the military by being selected for this assignment...The office of the PHAG chose him when it was learned that Tom Cruise was unavailable since he was busy recreating one of his most famous roles in a remake of "A Few Gay Men"...
Charges against Petraeus included taking a leak in a saxophone found during an overnight stay in the White House in the "Clinton Bedroom"...His initial defense was having just arrived from overseas deployment where officers use any handy mess kit or helmet to conduct their personal business, he was momentarily overcome by jet lag in making the admittedly poor decision...
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton recommended leniency, and confessed to doing the same thing in the instrument after finding a stained blue dress in her husband's sock drawer...However, military law is strict concerning this offense, and formal charges were introduced against the former general...
Leftchester's defense strategy was said to be brilliant as his research turned up a precedent from a military tribunal in 1776, in which General Washington was acquitted of standing in a moving boat and taking a leak on one of his rowers while crossing the Delaware...Washington's defense was that it was dark and the ale he had consumed in the riverside house of horizontal refreshment was just running through him...
Petraeus' judges in his own court martial sympathized with this plea, and reduced the charges to unauthorized use of a band instrument, sentencing him to probation and revocation of officer's club privileges for two years...Leftchester hopes his newfound success as a jurist will get him out of the bath house locker room more often...
Pictured below, the famous painting of Washington crossing the Delaware has been replaced in the national archives with this drawing of President Obama crossing the Rio Grande with another boatload of undocumented immigrants...
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