"Stump" Fairsex Crowned Lesboweight Queen In RMA Cage Match...

 https://www.fightersonlymag.com/latest-news/one-fight-night-14-stamp-fairtex-crowned-atomweight-queen-as-angela-lee-announces-retirement-in-singapore/

Due to the steadily increasing number of Asian readers of this blog, poofter sports reporter Lefty, on special assignment in Singapore (which conveniently coincided with the statutes of limitation expiration dates on some of his pending misdemeanor trials) filed this report on Fight Night at the Singapore Unisex Bath House & Knob Polishing Emporium...Circumventing the obvious language differences, Lefty enlisted the translation services of Mister Blister, the Asian tag team champions who also provided the blow-by-blow as well as the color commentary for the night's scheduled matches...The main event cage match for the evening pitted challenger "Stump" Fairsex (so named from the mysterious protuberance prominent in the lower part of her ring attire), and the reigning all-Asian champion, "Brickhouse" Lee...

As is well known to sports fans, the popular Mister Blister tag team consists of Hef Ti, a 650 pound mute, Chinese eunuch sumo wrestler who communicates only by single-finger sign language, and Dinki Winki, a midget Japanese oil wrestler, who have become mainstays of the bathhouse sports world in the sport of nude sumo oil wrestling...As guest ring announcers, Dinki Winki calls the blow-by-blow action in his shrill, annoying broken English voice which was taught to him in the English lessons given by the midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, during his confinement in an internment camp near Hobby Airport in Houston by the Biden Administration's mandatory immigration quarantine period...Color commentary is handled by his partner, Hef Ti, using his single finger sign language, a skill at which he is ambidextrous and clearly understood in multiple languages...

The special referee for this night's main event was Rili Huang Min, Red China's Showermaster of the Hanzhob District People's Poofter Collective...RHM, as he is affectionately known in the sports world, insured that all bribes and wagers had been completed in accordance with international rules before signaling the fighters to approach the center of the ring for final instructions...The mandatory search of the contestants for weapons was waived when both lesbian fighters threatened to neuter RHM if he moved toward them...Hef Ti was seen to physically cringe in response to this joint announcement from the competitors...

At the opening bell, both fighters disrobed down to G-strings emblazoned with the names of their sponsors, Cellblock 13 Jockstraps for "Stump" Fairsex and Summer's Eve Feminine Wash for "Brickhouse" Lee...The scheduled 3 round bout was called to an end early by the competitors' refusal to respond to the repeated chant of "69 baby" repeatedly started by reporter Lefty from ringside who apparently was unfamiliar with the international rules in effect governing obscene encouragement from the outside...The match was then declared a draw by ring official RHM, followed by booing from the angry onlookers...Before the onlookers could begin to riot however, reigning champion "Brickhouse" Lee grabbed the microphone from Lefty and announced her retirement from the sport and declared "Stump" Fairsex as the new Lesboweight Champion...

Following her announcement, she presented the symbolic iron chastity belt to her opponent to the tumultuous approval of the crowd...Handing the mic to the stunned Ms. Fairsex for her acceptance speech, another cheer went up from the crowd when "Stump" jerked Lefty to the center of the ring, stripped him down to his thong underwear and fastened the chastity belt around his middle..."Stump" then announced to the audience that during the preliminaries Lefty had repeatedly asked her if she swallowed...After making sure the chastity belt was securely locked on Lefty's groin, she announced, "Yes, I do swallow!" and promptly swallowed the only known key...

Shown below, "Stump" makes a slight package adjustment on her walk to the weigh in press conference...

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A Gator's Tale: Update...

https://www.click2houston.com/news/local/2020/05/14/gator-with-its-tail-run-over-spotted-in-road-in-conroe/

In response to our previous news item concerning Puffy Cravinmore, the latest addition to the population of the Hobby Airport Bath House District, LeftyInTheNews has received urgent messages from the HABHD chapter of PETA (Poofters Excitedly Touching Animals) in regard to the dog assigned to protect Ms. Cravinmore by her benefactor, Gristmill Mikey...In a mostly incoherent email, a PETA representative expressed concern that the dog (which Gristmill Mikey had named Chomper) had undergone a species reassignment, and demanded to know details of the operation...Our intrepid reporter tracked down Mikey on a jobsite where he is remodeling the former home of the late and lamented SBA, who was the nemesis to the Houston City Council as well as the operator of the Hobby Airport Piano Roll Museum, and obtained an interview...

When told of the laughable concerns by PETA members for the welfare of the newly transformed guard dog, the laconic Mikey broke into one his rare smiles which have been known to induce stroke conditions in some faint-hearted observers...He said he first heard of the animal when he was contacted by Truckman who knew of an accident in Conroe involving a hapless alligator...Knowing of Mikey's fondness for animals, he suggested the gator might be coaxed out of the swamp where it could be examined and cared for...Mikey immediately rode his Honda Goldwing with its sidecar to Conroe, and ignoring the warnings from horrified officials, he walked into the swamp where the gator had last been seen...

The gator was quickly found chewing on the tires of the same Prius which had run over and injured its tail...Knowing a kindred spirit when it found one, the gator docilely followed Mikey, and obediently climbed into the Honda's sidecar, riding off with him to the astonishment of onlookers...After reaching the Hobby Airport area, Mikey sought a medical assessment of the gator from Dr. Horace Tchytz of the Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop knowing that the doctor holds dual degrees as a sex change specialist and veterinarian...Using these skills, the doctor suggested that the tail was too damaged for proper healing and the alligator would live a more productive life with a species reassignment as a dog...Mikey agreed, and the operation was performed in exchange for some expansion work to Dr. Tchytz's bait shop where he repurposes the unneeded parts remaining after poofter gender reassignments...

The animal recovered quickly, and happily went home with Mikey where it accepted training for its new life as a guard dog...Mikey said the only out-of-pocket expenses involved occurred when he decided the dog would look more natural without its normal "gator green" skin, so using some leftover house paint from a remodeling job, the dog is now brown...Asked what the dog eats, Mikey said he doesn't really know as it seems to forage for itself while roaming the neighborhood, although he did observe that coincidentally many of the ne'er-do-well criminal types in the Bath House District now appear to be amputees...Chomper also seems quite happy in its new role as a guard dog, and Puffy Cravinmore reports that new attempts to rob her have dropped to zero, while the dog quickly adapted to riding on the buddy seat of her BMW motorcycle...

The only question remaining unanswered was the disposition of the gator's tail which was removed in the species reassignment operation...Bath house towel boy, Lefty, who also serves as a clerk for Dr. Tchytz's bait shop suggested the flesh could be added to the bait inventory, while Lefty's brother, RightHandMan, made a bid for the skin...RHM envisioned it being used as a custom codpiece after tanning by his taxidermist, and placed for sale to his high end clients at his male lingerie boutique...However, Gristmill Mikey, being a humanitarian, donated the tail to the Hobby Airport Food Bank where it was barbequed and served to the HABHD homeless...Fuel for the event was unknowingly donated by the estate of the late SBA as shown below...

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HABHD's CPO tells criminals to 'chill' and stop committing crime until after coronavirus...

https://www.theblaze.com/news/houston-mayor-tells-criminals-to-chill

Dewey Cheatham, CPO (Chief Poofter Official) for the Hobby Airport Bath House District released the following statement today regarding the extraordinary measures being recommended during the COVID-19 outbreak:

"We board members of the HABHD are extremely concerned for the welfare of all our citizens regardless of race, national origin or poofter persuasion in this time of national emergency...We urge all those residing or earning a living within the confines of our Bath House District to maintain a six foot distance from each other even though this will mean a few changes in business technique for the tattoo artists, massage therapists, table dancers and pickpockets whose livelihoods depend on close contact with the public...We also request that criminals of all levels, including misdemeanor and felony classifications, cease all criminal activity until our government tells us it's safe to steal again...However all normal bribes and kickbacks to the HABHD Board of Directors will continue to be accepted in cash only through the mail slot in our door if they are sealed in sanitary envelopes..."

Hobby Airport residents were asked for their comments on this pronouncement...Popular bath house towel boy Lefty said, "I don't see any big difference, nobody ever wants to get closer than six feet to me anyway..."

Bookie and oddsmaker Yugo Leftanescu spoke from his barstool office at a local topless bar, "My business is usually conducted by phone until it's time to collect...If there's any problem then I've got a meathook with a six foot handle..."

Newly arrived immigrant Carmine "The Hat" Caponescu said this through his Sicilian interpreter, "Youse people can depend on me ta do my usual best...I can enforce da wishes of da bosses from any distance..."

Recent visitor to the HABHD, Puffy Cravinmore, upon hearing the good news that there might be less crime there than in her home town on the Central Texas plains, got on her BMW motorcycle and did not stop until she was in the company of her protector, Gristmill Mikey, feared by both lawmen and lawbreakers of all ranks...Since she had spent the last of her funds on gasoline for the trip, Mikey arranged for her to stay with his girlfriend, Sidecar Sophie, until she could find a suitable and well armored residence...He also said he would ask around for employment for her...

With more people seeking their entertainment at home, Puffy was pleased to find that her experience and skill in the repair and maintenance of personal pleasure devices both battery-operated and home-wired was in great demand among the lesbians and poofters who were forced to find self-gratification within the confines of their homes...Having minored in compressor repair at the Jodie Foster Vocational Institute in Austin Texas, she is also able to service those clients who favor blow-up lifesize dolls...

Gristmill Mikey's vast network of contacts also enabled her to begin the application process for a position on the housekeeping staff at the vast Truckman Estates in a neighboring county...She was warned that Truckman vets his applicants with utmost care, but she remains hopeful, and said she has already chosen a uniform for the position if she is selected...In the knowledge that she is naïve about the crime situation in the HABHD, animal lover Mikey offered her one of his dogs to stay by her side and also ride on the buddy seat of her motorcycle...

She could see the dog liked her right away, and would be a good companion and protector, but she was concerned about its breed...Confiding this to Mikey, she said she adored it and would take good care of it, but asked what kind of dog it was so she could provide for it...Said Gristmill Mikey, "Well, before I cut off his tail and painted him brown, he used to be an alligator..."

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Motorcycle wheel stolen in broad daylight returned to rightful owner in HABHD...

https://www.khou.com/article/life/family/motorcycle-stolen-in-1971-returned-to-rightful-owners-in-houston/285-df9f2fbd-6151-4515-912c-949224f629dd 

A recent daylight theft in the Hobby Airport Bath House District was averted by an alert resident who witnessed the theft...Newcomer Puffy Cravinmore, a beautiful, pixie-like traveler who decided to save some time in her motorcycle journey from Central Texas to a Gulf Coast beach where she might obtain a more even winter tan, unknowingly entered the HABHD hoping to save some time...She then made the mistake of stopping at an intersection on Braniff Street near the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, an act which knowledgeable motorists avoid due to the high incidence of theft and solicitation from street peddlers...

Before she had even come to a full stop she was approached by Lefty, a local bath house towel boy who offered her a discount coupon for a massage from Armenian lesbian masseuse, Tesla D...Already repelled by Lefty's body odor, Ms. Cravinmore was reaching into her leather jacket for her can of industrial strength Febreze, when Lefty, who thought she was going for a concealed handgun, suddenly backed away...At this time Ms. Cravinmore put her BMW motorcycle into gear, and attempted to ride away when she discovered she couldn't because her rear wheel was missing...

While she was distracted by Lefty's unwanted attention, she was unaware that the thieves in the Hobby Airport area are so well practiced, as well as brazen, they had placed her BMW on a cinder block and made off with the wheel while the bike was still running...Fortunately for her the incident was witnessed by the laconic yet sharp-eyed neighborhood handyman, Gristmill Mikey, a rehabilitated ex-convict who approached her telling her not to worry...Mikey's calming words took some of her fear away from his scary, unusual appearance...At that moment she realized that his only garments were a tool belt, a loincloth made of Harley-Davidson chain links and steel-toed boots...

What she had first taken for antique, engraved leather clothing was actually Mikey's own skin...She also noticed when he scratched his jawline with a steel screwdriver, sparks flew from it...At this moment she realized this may be the toughest man she ever met...He reassured her that what had happened was a common occurrence in the HABHD, and that he could get her wheel returned to her...After loading the rest of her BMW into his Ford diesel pickup, he drove her to the tattoo parlor of his girlfriend, Sidecar Sophie, when he noticed towel boy Lefty trying to peek into her parlor where he knew she often worked in the nude...

Lefty noticed Ms. Cravinmore before he saw Mikey, and immediately asked her for a date...She explained she was already married to another man and two other women, and wasn't interested...At this time Mikey ejected Lefty from the premises, and told Ms. Cravinmore she would be safe there with Sophie while he recovered her property...Inside she met Sophie who was doing a costly tattoo removal procedure on midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny...Ms. Bunny had earlier been tattooed with an image of gay comedian Ellen Degeneres, but started the removal process when the celebrity refused to take her phone calls, or answer her insistent letters...Still being on duty, the deputy and part-time night watchperson took Ms. Cravinmore's statement on the theft...

Soon Ms. Cravinmore heard the familiar sound of her BMW approaching, and went outside to see Gristmill Mikey riding up on her motorcycle...Mikey explained that he already knew of a gang of motorcycle thieves recruited by newly arrived Sicilian deportee, Carmine "The Hat" Caponescu, who was kicked out of the Italian Mafia for excessive brutality...The gang had been formed from local juvenile detention school dropouts, and were responsible for a spate of motorcycle parts thefts...But they already knew of the formidable reputation of reformed bad boy Mikey, and at his suggestion, they not only reassembled the BMW, but also detailed and polished it, changed the oil, filled the tank with gas and left a letter of apology taped to the bike's windscreen...

Ms. Cravinmore thanked Mikey profusely, and accepted his advice to find another shortcut to the beach next time, or at least avoid slowing down on Braniff Street...

Pictured below is the remainder of Ms. Cravinmore's motorcycle immediately after her brief, but ill-timed stop in the HABHD...

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Craigslist ad: Russian submarine for sale in Hobby Airport plywood pool...

http://www.khou.com/news/weird/craigslist-ad-russian-submarine-for-sale-in-lake-conroe/490735577

CraigsList Christmas shoppers in the Hobby Airport Bath House District were astounded this morning to find their own "Russian connection" in their own neighborhood plywood pool...Already accustomed to tales of the famous Braniff Street attraction such as the perpetual coating of leaves, twigs and empty Corona Extra cans washing down into it from the roof of the mansion adjacent to the pool, residents could hardly believe their eyes when the advertisement appeared this morning in the "Water Toys" category of the popular CraigsList website...Touted as the "perfect accessory for the well-to-do poofter playboy," potential customers began ringing the doorbell of the mansion (which also houses the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum) before dawn...

The owner, who appeared at the door in his nightshirt but without his nightpants, waved his double-barreled Ballard shotgun wanting to know what the commotion was about...This naturally triggered calls to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police, who responded with trained hostage negotiator, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, who immediately cordoned off the entire block...This prompted a protest from the towel boys just ending their shift at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium next door to the mansion...Their union representative, identified only as "Lefty," said:

"Hey, we need to get to the Taco Bell across the street for breakfast before these two-for-one coupons we got in our tip jars expire"...

Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian known for her strict interpretations of the law, defused the situation by threatening to initiate a warrant sweep in the bath house, causing the protesting towel boys to withdraw and bolt the door of the popular establishment...The deputy then turned her attention back to the irate mansion owner, whose long-suffering daughter had now appeared at the door...She explained that the ad had probably been placed as a prank by a visiting Apache Junction building inspector, FredK, who became upset when she slammed the door in his face after he began flirting with her...She explained:

"I'm one of the only two straight women that live in this neighborhood, and it's bad enough to get hit on by all the lesbians...Then this old fool starts asking me to come see his model train layout..."

The former beauty queen, who now teaches remedial English at the Hobby Airport Reform School & Juvenile Detention Center, assured Deputy Dumpy Bunny she would call the VA Clinic to get her father's medications adjusted to calm him down, and said not to worry about his shotgun because she had taken the firing pins out many years ago...The deputy then stated she would interrogate FredK herself and collect any evidence and necessary bribes before filing her report...

Shown below is part of a diorama from the realistic Lake Powell section of FredK's model train display in Apache Junction, Arizona...

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Hobby Airport's Full Beaver Moon to Shine Bright at Bath House......

https://www.space.com/38663-full-moon-november-2017-shines-overnight.html

Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory has announced a special viewing of the rare astronomical event, a Full Beaver Moon, tonight through a special observatory hole in the towel boys' locker room at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Speaking at a hastily organized press conference at the Braniff Street Taco Bell, which Dr. Lefty frequents for lunch on 2-For-One-Tuesdays, he explained that the phenomenon ordinarily does not occur in nature, but certain events have coincided to make it possible...

He said lesbian nude yoga instructor, Mazola McLeglock, usually conducts her weekly advanced class for her lesbian clients the day before the wall of mirrors in her classroom is cleaned of the fish fillet and steam residue produced by her overweight clientele when they use her classroom as a cafeteria for their lunch meetings of Long John Silver's "Barrel O' Cod" specials which are trucked in for their Weight Watchers meetings...These nude dining opportunities understandably release fish-breath and steam emissions which collect on the mirrors...This causes Dr' Lefty and his lab assistants to be able only to view the "moon" side of the exercise classes through the hole drilled from the towel boys' locker room, since their views of the "beaver" sides are obscured by the foggy mirrors...

However, this week an impending janitors strike caused the HABH&PE housekeeping management to have the weekly mirror cleaning scheduled a day early, permitting a full view of both moons and beavers until the observation holes are eclipsed by the roving patrols of midget lesbian security guard, Deputy Dumpy Bunny...Dr. Lefty suggests early arrival for the limited seating provided for this rare event...He also says a surcharge of 25 cents has been added to his normal ticket prices due to the expected high demands for choice viewing spots...Season ticket holders are exempt from the additional charge, but a generous tip is suggested...

Pictured below is senior lesbian housekeeper, Emma Staredown, on duty during a normal mirror scrubbing day...

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Lefty cleared as suspect in JFK conspiracy theory...

https://www.archives.gov/press/press-releases/nr18-05

Conspiracy theorists, such as the elderly proprietor of the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum in the Hobby Airport Bath House District, have long claimed a connection between the "grassy knoll" in Dallas where DNA analysis a few years ago showed traces of familial ties between Lefty and a wad of Dubble Bubble chewing gum found by investigators decades after the tragic assassination...Conspiracy fans have long pointed to the gum wad as prima facie evidence of Lefty's participation in the plot because of the partial fingerprint left on the wrapper in which it was wrapped...The print is a 23% match to Lefty's prints (which are on file with law enforcement departments world-wide), but Lefty has always contended the wrapper was a plant...

President Trump's release of the JFK files from the National Archives was expected by the conspiracy theorists to prove Lefty's connection, but instead have cleared him of at least this one crime...The files contained several sealed family court files in which Lefty was named as the biological father of a number of now 53 year old men and women, all of which bear a striking resemblance to Lefty, including his trademark mullet hairstyle...Lefty however always claimed he was being held in juvenile detention on the day of their supposed conception...

Now the unsealed files have proven beyond doubt that Lefty was telling the truth for once...Police records found in the files indicate that Lefty's fifth grade biology teacher, Ms. Knuckler, was arrested along with Lefty in the overgrown "grassy knoll" on November 21, 1963, where they both claimed the then 19 year old Lefty was trying to earn extra credit in order to pass his mid-term exams...Both were held in the Dallas County Jail overnight, and due to a shortage of empty cell space, they were incarcerated in the same cell as a number of lesbian prostitutes who had been picked up in a warrant sweep...Genealogists have now used the DNA sample from the bubble gum, comparing it to the samples furnished in the paternity suit files, and found the mitochondrial evidence to be a close match to the children mentioned in the lawsuits, each of which was born at varying times beginning 9 months and 10 minutes after Lefty was placed in the cell with their mothers...

This apparently settles the theories offered by those wishing to connect Lefty to the motorcade assassination, except the piano roll museum owner who has always pointed to Lefty whenever any crime is reported...Even the new evidence showing that none of Lefty's fingerprints were ever found in the Schoolbook Depository Building because Lefty has never opened a schoolbook, has failed to satisfy the elderly recluse...In an interview conducted at his Braniff Street mansion, the former CIA pilot shouted, "I know the SOB is guilty of something, and I can prove it!...Now get off my porch before I fetch my double-barreled Ballard shotgun!"...

Shown below are the contents of Lefty's pockets confiscated from him on November 21, 1963 in Dallas...

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Of Further Service...

Truckman's self-imposed absence here has led to angst and consternation among those readers who find it difficult to navigate life's pathways without the guiding light of Truckman showing the way...They need fear not as Truckman will resume his duty to humankind shortly...In the meantime, while converting his digitally produced wisdom to the printed page, Truckman has also composed a lexicon of terms used here which may be unfamiliar to some readers...

Being the magnanimous publisher that he is, Truckman has published it here also as another added benefit to his readership...Ignoring the profound advice given by WC Fields to "never smarten up a chump," Truckman instead feels that anything that increases the sum total of man's knowledge also benefits mankind...This newly published glossary can be found by clicking the "Glossary" button found under the main heading banner on any page of this blog...

You're welcome...

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Naked man jumping on cars along busy Florida highway...

http://www.roanoke.com/news/nation/wire/police-naked-man-jumping-on-cars-along-busy-florida-highway/article_8c407204-fa8e-5abf-8a5c-ad897e05ec52.html

Florida state prosecutors are considering charges against an elderly man who disrupted traffic along a heavily traveled stretch of highway in Florida's beach community...Identified only as "Saggy," it is unknown at this time whether this is his given name or an alias tagged by crime reporters...

Under questioning (from a safe distance by reluctant investigators) Saggy claimed to be a member of the Boca Raton Senior Nudist Coffee Club, saying he was late for a meeting of the planning committee for the "Happy Nude Year" party sponsored by his organization, and was trying to take advantage of prevailing winds by "car surfing" because he was expected to cast the deciding vote on the party theme...

Explaining further he said, "With all my loose skin, I can catch a tailwind on top of a minivan, and get even better mileage than a Nissan Versa Hybrid like some of those sissy poofters drive"...Enlisting the services of well-known senior rights lobbyist, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., who was conducting his weekly inspection of facilities for housing intoxication violators, Saggy is expected to contest any charges filed...Prosecutors are said to be stymied as no state attorney as yet is willing to come near the case, or Saggy...

In a last ditch effort to gain favorable headlines for posterity, President Obama admitted he has directed the Federal Justice Department to consider whether to take over the case, but can't decide which issue to support...In a press release from the tee box at Burning Hills Golf Club, he said, "We could take an activist side for gay rights as well as alternative wind energy, but the public safety and animal endangerment issue from frightened indigenous Florida wildlife which witnessed the scene must be considered"...

Shown below in an undated file photo, Saggy is seen submitting to a strip search just before entering the clothing optional area of the Boca Raton Beach in his position as sand crab population monitor...

CNN Exclusive: Pope held threesome with same-sex couple in U.S...

http://www.cnn.com/2015/10/02/us/pope-gay-washington/

Having recently been elevated to Pope of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity, Pope Lefty (formerly Father Lefty) held a private audience with a same sex couple, and blessed their union with a three-way ritual in his private rectory...As is his custom, Pope Lefty recorded the event as he glorified the joining of the two lesbian women by anointing their faces...

Giving the brides away were their mentors from the local chapter of Dykes On Bikes, both dressed in formal leather and chain ensembles matching the flower girl who preceded the happy couple with a much needed aerosol can of Febreze air freshener in Fresh Fall Pumpkin scent...

The ceremony was momentarily delayed as the ring bearer from the Strike It Rich Pawn Shop & Payday Loan Store demanded the final payment on the matching ring set before releasing the items...Pope Lefty passed his papal headgear among the faithful attendees, and gathered enough donations (less his customary tithe) to allow the hallowed rites to continue...

For the devout parishioners who missed the live streaming on pay-per-view, Monsignor RHM will have copies of the ceremony, plus bonus scenes from the honeymoon on DVD and VHS available for a small donation in the Temple Gift Shop located in his male lingerie boutique in the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Shown below is the happy couple posing for pictures in their wedding gown...

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FOOFA President Seepy Bladder stuns poofter world, saying he will resign...

http://www.latimes.com/sports/sportsnow/la-sp-sepp-blatter-to-resign-20150602-story.html

The poofter sports world met surprise today as their governing body, FOOFA, announced the resignation of its recently re-elected president, Seepy Bladder, in the face of of a new corruption investigation...INTERPOOF, the gay crimes investigative agency, has assigned Inspector Lefty to the case, and he says he will get to the bottom of it if he has to question every lesbian stripper in the area...twice...

After beginning his investigation with his usual canvassing of topless bars in the Hobby Airport vicinity, Inspector Lefty widened his search area by interviewing the coach of the lesbian Olympic team, Mazola McLeglock, who was conducting a training session for the nude leapfrog mixed doubles hopefuls...His investigation was hampered somewhat when he was whacked behind the knees with a nightstick by security guard, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, who observed him peeping through a window in the lesbian shower room of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

He explained to the deputy that he was gathering evidence, then showed her his credentials, zipped back up, and was freed to go with a warning...After receiving information from an anonymous informant, RHM, that Bladder had been observed in the bath house, Inspector Lefty gained entrance to the poofter-only hot tub area...

Not having an accurate description of the Belgian poofter, Seepy Bladder, Inspector Lefty inquired of Hot Tub Temperature Manager, Chico Piñata (here on an exchange towel boy work visa from the Obama Administration), and was told to look for Bladder's trademark yellow-tinged hot tub water...Bladder informed Inspector Lefty that his diplomatic status was still in effect, and he had immunity from any questioning, and from any mandatory tipping in the poofter locker room...

The irritated Inspector was forced to let Bladder go, but before leaving noticed his tubmate, who was wearing a fedora hat pulled down over his eyes, seemed very suspicious...Back at INTERPOOF headquarters, he identified the suspect as Norwegian poofter fugitive, Ifar Toften, from his wanted posters...

At press time, Inspector Lefty was checking the exchange rate between reward dollars and Norwegian standard bribes before applying for a warrant...Shown below in an INTERPOOF surveillance photo, Ifar Toften frolics with two crossdressers in the Obama-mandated transgender hot tub...

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Police detonate pressure cooker outside South Houston Taco Bell...

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-32875263

Tragedy was averted for many residents today as Hobby Airport Poofter Police took quick action on reports of a possible WMD found abandoned in a Taco Bell parking lot...Deputy Dumpy Bunny responded to a report of a strange device found oozing bubbles and emitting a foul vapor left near a '76 AMC Pacer at the Taco Bell near the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

In her approach the device began to rumble and shake, causing her to call in backup from the bomb squad who were across the street investigating the ongoing complaint of offensive odors from the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum...Bomb squad officers quickly diverted to the Taco Bell parking lot as the proprietor of the museum shook his cane at them from his porch...

Seeing a name and phone number etched into the handle of the device, officers called the number and spoke to a woman identifying herself as the mother of Lefty, a well known towel boy at the bath house next door...She said she had loaned her pressure cooker to her son so he could soak his gym socks and thong underwear in a solution of boric acid and vinegar in an attempt to remove a stubborn odor...

Bomb squad officers proceeded to wrap the device, along with a quantity of C-4 explosive in several layers of Kevlar blanket, then remotely exploded it...Damage to the '76 AMC Pacer was said to be undetermined as it didn't seem to look any worse than before...

Deputy Bunny, a midget lesbian, held an after-action press conference standing atop an empty Hamm's Beer Tallboy case, and said the all clear siren will be sounded as soon as EPA responders verify the air quality...She also said Lefty's mom declined the return of her pressure cooker, saying she would rather pick up another one at a garage sale this weekend...

Lefty (shown below), who had thought his laundry would be safe in the parking lot while he walked to a local 7-11 to inquire about their "Free Slurpee" promotion, offered this comment: "Hey man, I asked the chick at 7-11 for a free slurpee, and she hands me this cup of sugary colored ice...What a ripoff!"...

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Inspection report...

In his attempt to renew his towel boy license for the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, the inspector found a cracked button on the trap door of his thong...Noting this on the report, the inspector said potential emissions violations such as this require immediate repair...

In protest, Lefty showed the authorities in writing that he had a 30 day grace period to comply...Citing stricter regulations in the Hobby Airport Bath House District, the inspector confiscated his thong anyway...

At present Lefty is fashioning a new thong from the kitchen curtains taken from his landlord, an elderly eccentric retired Houston City Council advisor who was unavailable for comment after taking his 1997 Mercury Cougar to Jiffy Lube for service...Reaction by the landlord's daughter over her missing curtains was unknown at press time...

Shown below is the new codpiece with which Lefty hopes to obtain his renewed license...

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Saggy Career Update...

Leisure living field correspondent SBA files this report (edited & fumigated for clarity):

"As you know, pubic information on any person is available online for $5.00.  Now, in my senior years, I must review all my former associates and determine which ones are still dangerous to the pubic safety;  starting with Saggy.  Saggy's police record shows his arrest and confinement in the Summit County Jail for aircraft theft, but then boys will be boys., although some go poofter.  Then there was Saggy's involvement in pushing over Police Chief Jim Shane's outhouse, but this crime still remains unsolved as to whether Jim Shane was in it; although the laundry report shows his police uniform was self-soiled. Saggy went on to a career with Tinnerman 'Speed-Nuts. However, there was the incident when he was selling 'Saggy Speed-Nuts' too. Saggy Speed-Nuts were peanuts soaked in Viagra, giving the eater a repeater-peter. Saggy also had a second version of Saggy Speed-Nuts with peanuts soaked in Ex-Lax. Unfortunately, the two packages were similar and numerous studs got them mixed up, and when they were all set to have sex they soiled their Fruit-of-the-Looms.  Saggy's two associates in the Saggy Speed-Nut business were Buster Snyder and Sam Fritz; both later convicted of humping small farm animals at the Academy barns,. Saggy is now retired in Bunga Raton , Florida,  and must wear an ankle bracelet to monitor his movements, which are mostly in his pants.  PBS considered making a documentary on Saggy's life as an inspiration to others; however it was more like constipation instead."

Editor's note:

"It's not the ankle bracelet that worries residents of the Boca Raton retirement home where Saggy resides, but rather the Pandora bracelet he wears on his left wrist...Over the years he has added a charm for every bedroom window he had to escape from due to the early arrival home of his date's husband...The bracelet is now so long it has been wound around his arm past his elbow, interfering with his eating his bowl of Cheerios every morning...
The only good thing about this is his left arm is now so heavy, it has begun to grow to the size of his right arm which has been overworked since the day he found his father's stash of erotic literature when he was 13..."

Equal time counterpoint filed by Saggy:

"Apple iPhone, CIA & FBI had all promised me that this personal info WOULD NEVER BE RELEASED! It had to have been leaked----and now we know who THE LEAKER is. This definitely calls out for the help offered to me by my close friends and allies---Mitch Rapp and Jack Reacher. Best to be watching your back.Even your friends, Truckman and Lefty,  will be of no avail and if they desire to remain as part of the still breathing Conroe/Hobby Poofter society, it might be best to seek asylum in the closest Walmart lockable pay toilet and have your meals brought in for at least a week."

Shown below, Saggy relaxes on the sun deck at the Boca Raton Retirement Arcade...

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Truckman Blamed in Diesel Debacle!

Once again the forces of evil (and stupidity) have tried and failed to besmirch famed publisher and adventurer, Truckman, with the tainted brush of corruption...The foul stench of their ill-conceived and prematurely hatched plans has again smeared only those who plot against justice and righteousness...

In their attempts to achieve the quick and easy path to ill-gained profit, the perpetrators mistakenly put their faith in Lefty, without considering his track record of failure against the renowned champion of the diesel world...As shown in the video evidence below, the bright light of truth sends the cockroaches of ill will scurrying for cover...

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Movie Review...

In the absence of current news concerning Lefty during his annual celebration of Gay Pride month, and his subsequent recovery afterwards, we present the must-see, hit video of the summer parody season, "Dave Grubb Faces Charges"...Ripped from the headlines of a popular political discussion group, it concerns a controversy stemming from claims made by a forum member...

The characters of Cap'n & Mrs. Mike were originally intended as supporting roles, but Cap'n Mike showed such an unexpected range of emotion, and Mrs. Mike played her role as the perfect foil so well, they were both upgraded to star billing...Critics are saying they're the most perfectly matched pair since Tracy and Hepburn...

Get your popcorn early because no viewer will be seated after the opening credits...As always, full screen is your best choice for viewing...

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"Butch" Jenner will be on the cover of July's Vanity Fair magazine...

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2015/05/29/bruce-jenner-lands-july-cover-vanity-fair/?intcmp=features

Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium's hat-check person, Fedora "Butch" Jenner, while still undecided as to which gender in which to change, has agreed to appear on the cover of the July issue of Vanity Fair...Concise decision making has never been a strong point in Butch's family, but he/she decided the time was right to cash in on some of the uptown money to finance a few pricier options in Dr. Tchytz's sex change catalog...

Among the reasons for Butch's indecision in choosing which gender to go with is the extensive option list available at extra cost to enhance life after the "change"...A bewildering number of sexual splinter groups have begun to make demands for recognition in addition to the traditional hetero/homo/bi-sexual choices...

Some trends, such as metro-sexual, poly-sexual and omni-sexual, have been around long enough to become commonplace, but newer groups such as the "retro-sexuals," championed by an elderly, eccentric Hobby Airport area resident are beginning to cloud the issue...

"Retro-sexuals" only want things to go back to the "old days" as voiced by their Braniff Street leader who consented to an interview, "In my day, men were men, women were women, and the goats just stayed on the farm; now get off my porch or I'll sic the dogs on you!"...Butch's transition has also found support among the famed Kardashian family of celebrities who appreciate having an outlet for all their hand-me-down clothes from their various gender changes...

Butch's Vanity Fair cover is only the first among a summer series of covers featuring queens, as illustrated below...

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Is Wearable Technology Wearing Itself Out With Google Pants?...

http://clapway.com/2015/05/31/is-wearable-technology-wearing-itself-out-with-google-pants-123/

Wearable technology is nothing new to towel boy Lefty, whose most well known example is the self-winding Timex he wears on his male member, theorizing that wearing it where the greatest motion is will assure accurate time...But Lefty says the line must be drawn somewhere as our clothing is beginning to infringe on our rights...

Lefty and the many other Hobby Airport area residents have embraced the new technology up to now, as many found the Google Glasses to be the answer to their voyeuristic tendencies, even convincing Lefty to put away the "x-ray specs" he bought through an ad in DC comics...The Google Hat, allowing the wearer to read the mind of any young lady he talks to, had mixed results for Lefty as it only worked on women whose IQ did not exceed his, clearly limiting his success...

Lefty did better with his Google Shoes whose tiny cameras interfaced with his Google Glasses, allowing him new views in studying anatomy on crowded elevators and escalators...The limits seemed to be reached however, with the announcement of Google Pants which, although having the advantage of a built-in front potato pouch, rear activated charcoal vapor filters and a "check underwear" light, they also sound an audible alarm when the wearer approaches the limits of any court-ordered restraining documents...

In Lefty's case, the only place he could go besides his rented shipping container home, was his mom's house to pick up his laundry, and his probation officer...With these restrictions, Lefty stopped wearing his pants in clear violation of his contractual obligations as a Google spokesmodel...

However, he found an unlikely ally in his landlord, an elderly, eccentric veteran of both world wars who often forgets to wear his own pants when venturing outside his own home...The veteran's long-suffering daughter, accustomed to bringing him his pants when called by security personnel at Home Depot, the VA Clinic or the C&D Burger Shoppe, says the new alliance of Google Pants Droppers may help draw attention away from her father, allowing her some much needed rest...

Shown below, Lefty and a friend await an opening in the crowded men's room of the Hobby Airport Courthouse...

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No Knockout in Poofter Presidential Debate as Erection Nears...

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2015-05-21/polish-challenger-duda-carries-last-debate-before-president-vote

With the 2016 Presidential election still 18 months away, candidates representing all walks of life are already jockeying for position in the overcrowded field...The LGBTU (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Undecided) contingent is definitely one of the fastest growing, and most vocal of the special interest voting blocs...

This election cycle they decided to move their center of operations from the more traditional coastal bath house centers such as New York or San Francisco, to a more centralized location in the Hobby Airport Bath House District of Houston, Texas...The logical choice for the position of moderator in this opening debate, Houston's lesbian Mayor Annise Parker, ruled that flashy, colorful clothing would be banned, and all participants, including herself, would wear a simple, black thong so as not to distract the audience...

As expected, gay pornstar Arnold Swollenpecker is the frontrunner of the male homos, and was selected to represent them even though many poofters think his celebrity status gives him an unfair advantage...The clear choice to speak for the lesbians was perennial candidate Phillbo, who with each election draws more votes...

In introducing Phillbo, Hollywood personalities Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell agreed Phillbo is a lesbian at heart before retiring to their private dressing room to apply a fresh coat of chocolate sauce on each other...Bath house hat check person, Fedora "Butch" Jenner, although still undecided which gender to choose, was selected to speak for both the bisexuals and transgenders, as well as the undecided...

Entering the race in a new category representing the retrosexuals, was long-time Hobby Airport resident SBA, owner/operator of the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum...Pushing his wheelchair onstage was his long-suffering daughter, who was heard to whisper, "Don't worry Daddy, you won't get in trouble for not wearing your pants this one time"...

SBA speaks for those retrosexuals who only want things to go back to the good old days...Although he is unclear on when he last had sex, or with whom, or whether he enjoyed it or not, he believes a young upstart named Kennedy was running for office...

Each candidate was given a chance to state his/her/its positions on the issues by Moderator Parker who was assisted with her teleprompter by her wife...In his closing remarks, candidate Phillbo discreetly adjusting his thong, asked the key question which audiences had been hoping for, and the other candidates were dreading, "Does this look swollen to you?" after which Moderator Parker called for the curtain to fall...

Pictured below is the wardrobe technician's poodle helping to gather the discarded garments after the debate...

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Doubts greet North Korea claims of advance to mini-poofter weapons...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/pyongyang-says-it-has-technology-to-make-small-submarined-mounted-nuclear-warheads/2015/05/20/0e96d0bc-fec0-11e4-833c-a2de05b6b2a4_story.html

North Korea's deranged homo leader, Kim Jong-un, in his attempt to raise his status as a major player in international poofter affairs, is being seen today in his usual role, a laughable buffoon...The photo array released by the Korean butt pirate was carefully examined by an independent image analyst, hired at great expense by Truckman Publishing, and the results conclusively show Kim to be lying through his teeth, as usual...

Our analyst verified that the photos of the submarine launch were not taken in the North Pacific, but in a poofter hot tub, probably the one in Kim's private quarters...The vessel is undoubtedly one that the gay Korean leader uses in the "naval exercises" he imagines as he reclines in his tub after a long day executing his relatives...

On close examination, the "missile" purportedly being launched is a nerf rocket with Toys'R'Us tag still attached as seen through the steam from his wood-fired hot tub...The propulsion system for the rocket is not the toy store provided air pump, but likely a hose leading from the toy sub to an unseen underwater source...

A soon-to-be-executed source close to the unhinged dictator verified on pleas of anonymity that Kim enjoys inserting a rubber hose into an unnamed body orifice while eating a plate of Taco Bell green chili burritos in the tub, and surprising any guest tub-mates with a blast of digestive emissions...It is thought he used this system to launch the nerf rocket, substantiated by the vapor trail seen following the toy...

If this is true, the vapor trail itself is likely far more deadly than the "warhead" which turns out to be a bobblehead likeness of the despotic homo, also available in the Pyongyang Toys'R'Us...Fearless publisher Truckman has stated that if Kim wishes to refute the findings of his analyst, he'll be happy to meet with him at any shooting range in Texas as long as Kim stands downwind...

Shown below is one of the bobblehead "warheads" required to be purchased and displayed in every North Korean household on penalty of death...

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