Dewey Cheatham, CPO (Chief Poofter Official) for the Hobby Airport Bath House District released the following statement today regarding the extraordinary measures being recommended during the COVID-19 outbreak:
"We board members of the HABHD are extremely concerned for the welfare of all our citizens regardless of race, national origin or poofter persuasion in this time of national emergency...We urge all those residing or earning a living within the confines of our Bath House District to maintain a six foot distance from each other even though this will mean a few changes in business technique for the tattoo artists, massage therapists, table dancers and pickpockets whose livelihoods depend on close contact with the public...We also request that criminals of all levels, including misdemeanor and felony classifications, cease all criminal activity until our government tells us it's safe to steal again...However all normal bribes and kickbacks to the HABHD Board of Directors will continue to be accepted in cash only through the mail slot in our door if they are sealed in sanitary envelopes..."Hobby Airport residents were asked for their comments on this pronouncement...Popular bath house towel boy Lefty said, "I don't see any big difference, nobody ever wants to get closer than six feet to me anyway..."
Bookie and oddsmaker Yugo Leftanescu spoke from his barstool office at a local topless bar, "My business is usually conducted by phone until it's time to collect...If there's any problem then I've got a meathook with a six foot handle..."
Newly arrived immigrant Carmine "The Hat" Caponescu said this through his Sicilian interpreter, "Youse people can depend on me ta do my usual best...I can enforce da wishes of da bosses from any distance..."
Recent visitor to the HABHD, Puffy Cravinmore, upon hearing the good news that there might be less crime there than in her home town on the Central Texas plains, got on her BMW motorcycle and did not stop until she was in the company of her protector, Gristmill Mikey, feared by both lawmen and lawbreakers of all ranks...Since she had spent the last of her funds on gasoline for the trip, Mikey arranged for her to stay with his girlfriend, Sidecar Sophie, until she could find a suitable and well armored residence...He also said he would ask around for employment for her...
With more people seeking their entertainment at home, Puffy was pleased to find that her experience and skill in the repair and maintenance of personal pleasure devices both battery-operated and home-wired was in great demand among the lesbians and poofters who were forced to find self-gratification within the confines of their homes...Having minored in compressor repair at the Jodie Foster Vocational Institute in Austin Texas, she is also able to service those clients who favor blow-up lifesize dolls...
Gristmill Mikey's vast network of contacts also enabled her to begin the application process for a position on the housekeeping staff at the vast Truckman Estates in a neighboring county...She was warned that Truckman vets his applicants with utmost care, but she remains hopeful, and said she has already chosen a uniform for the position if she is selected...In the knowledge that she is naïve about the crime situation in the HABHD, animal lover Mikey offered her one of his dogs to stay by her side and also ride on the buddy seat of her motorcycle...
She could see the dog liked her right away, and would be a good companion and protector, but she was concerned about its breed...Confiding this to Mikey, she said she adored it and would take good care of it, but asked what kind of dog it was so she could provide for it...Said Gristmill Mikey, "Well, before I cut off his tail and painted him brown, he used to be an alligator..."
