Sunday, November 30, 2014

Testing update...

http://www.houstonchronicle.com/nasa/adrift/6/

NASA flight medicine correspondent Dan reports: "Orion flight testicles to test NASA's mettle" ... Lefty's cousin Orion Obungo will be flying with his testicles positioned outside his space suit to test NASA's mettle, as well as their mudhole.

Editor's note: Test pilot Lefty originated that test when the government was still buying flightsuit zippers from the lowest bidder...In his research notes he wrote: "It feels so nice out, I think I'll just leave them out"...

Shown below, Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory conducts pressure and ventilation tests on space shuttle stewardess wardrobes...



More Science & Technology articles...

Thursday, November 27, 2014

North Korea announces Kim Jong-un's lesbian sister promoted to senior poofter official...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/northkorea/11257451/North-Korea-announces-Kim-Jong-uns-sister-promoted-to-senior-party-official.html

In a game-changing admission to his own addiction to a particular western cuisine which is a favorite of poofters worldwide, North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, has named his own lesbian sister as Commissar of Bath House Nourishment...The similarly named Slim Dong-ugh preferred remaining in the shadow of her poofter brother until making contact with a security guard for nude lesbian oil-wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, during a recent goodwill tour of the orient...

Being a dwarf herself, Slim Dong-ugh found the midget lesbian security guard to be one of the few Americans with whom she could see eye to eye, and the two soon found they shared a common interest in things other than battery-operated "entertainment devices"...The unnamed Hobby Airport deputy soon revealed in her squeaky, annoying voice that she had learned the secret recipe for Taco Bell green chili burritos during an interrogation of a peeping tom suspect near a South Houston Braniff Street mansion...

In exchange for the recipe, she released the suspect on reduced charges of loitering with prurient interests...She later learned that the suspect, an itinerant towel boy, had obtained the recipe from his landlord's computer while repairing his faulty wireless connection...

It is now known that the popular Tex-Mex dish, long a food favorite of western poofters, was branded as contraband by closet homo dictator Kim Jong-un who called it a decadent western product, and banned it on penalty of beheading...But since being introduced to its addictive taste by Chinese poofter envoy, Lef Ti, he relaxed the rules and allowed it in limited quantities in his government-run bath houses...

Slim Dong-ugh then leveraged her newfound knowledge to gain her high-ranking position which allows her full access to all North Korean nudist lesbian spas, and first-pick privileges when new shipments of Duracell batteries arrive in bath house boutiques...However, since the burrito recipe was considered a guarded state secret by US officials, President Obama's Secretary of Gay Affairs is considering charges of espionage against the former Montgomery County deputy...

The deputy's attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., has offered to exchange spuriously obtained golf scorecards from the President's recent golfing holiday, plus other bribery considerations in exchange for dropping the charges...Shown below is the President relieving some gas pressure on the first tee following his Taco Bell luncheon...

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Shopping Black Friday 'deals'? You can do better...

http://www.cnbc.com/id/102213612?trknav=homestack:topnews:8

Consumer poofter advocate Lefty warns, "Watch out where you spend your holiday money, as some deals are no deals at all"...Lefty refers to the many "sales" and "specials" being offered in the Hobby Airport bath house district designed to lure in cash-flush poofters after stuffing themselves with habanero and turkey burritos...

Lefty said that some of the usual CraigsList ads offering two-for-one deals at the local massage parlors actually mean that two fat homos will split the proceeds of your wallet after leaving you with one large lump on your head...According to Lefty, "Don't ask how I know, but one of the lesbian peep shows in this area is just a hole drilled in the ladies toilet wall behind Spec's Liquor Store, and the quarters you feed into the slot go into some smelly old dude's pocket who's trying to pay his past due beer account"...

Lefty advised that instead horny homos should visit one of the established bath houses such as the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, where businessmen like RHM can outfit you in the latest men's lingerie at 50% off his regular prices which were merely doubled for the holiday shopping season...He also said the towel boys will take extra care not to damage your belongings when they pilfer your locker if you will leave some folding money in their tip jars instead of the usual expired Kroger coupons...

Lefty also reminded clients that the locations of some cleverly concealed peepholes in the poofter shower room are available for a small donation for those athletic fans who wish to observe Mazola McLeglock's nude lesbian yoga classes on the other side of the wall...Sales of DVD's of the events will resume as soon as his borrowed video camera is released from evidence on some false accusations of voyeurism-for-profit by Houston's lesbian mayor, Annise Parker...

Shown below is the last image captured by the camera before it was taken into custody in the City Council cloakroom along with its owner, an elderly, eccentric former airline owner, just before his hearing before the City Council concerning a soil permeation bill he received from the city...


Norway Embraces Chinese Cash in Race for Arctic Bath House Riches...

http://www.businessweek.com/news/2014-11-12/norway-embraces-chinese-cash-in-race-for-arctic-energy-riches

In another example of the manipulative skills to which Norwegian poofter fugitive, Ifar Toften, will sink to avoid capture, he has made his bid to cash in on the burgeoning Chinese bath house market...Eager to learn new skills to increase the pleasure of poofter clients, China's Ministry of Laundry has put out feelers to other established bath house markets...

Unfortunately those feelers are attached to towel boy Lef Ti, a favorite of Minister of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung, who oversees China's People's Poofter Collectives...Lef Ti lost sight of the Chinese government's ideological goals after being exposed to international bath house practices by less scrupulous towel boys in the areas of tip jar management and locker room pilferage...

And now Ifar Toften has made contact with Lef Ti concerning China's latest poofter enterprise on the Arctic frontier, and has learned of the potential investment capital from China in developing polar bath houses...He has offered his services and expertise in cold weather homo activities to Lef Ti in exchange for Chinese cash which he needs to finance his further escape from justice...

Lef Ti seemed particularly interested in security techniques when he said, "Stinky old homo on run from law long time, maybe know how to avoid locker room surveillance cameras"...Mr. Toften assured his Chinese counterpart that for the right price, there are no secrets...

As shown below, Mr. Toften has assured the Chinese poofter rep that his long time experiences in frigid gay activities will give a new meaning to the word "snowblower"...

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Putin receives new UN ambassador in Kremlin hot tub...

http://www.chron.com/news/world/article/Putin-receives-new-US-ambassador-in-Kremlin-5903254.php

In an unsettling moment for UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty, the diplomat was received in the official Kremlin bath house by a smiling President Putin who was wearing a pair of "Hello Kitty" pajamas instead of the customary towel...The meeting, brokered by the newly formed Russian Ministry of Laundry,went well after a shaky start due to Putin's newness to the poofter world...

Like the professional diplomat he is, Ambassador Lefty quickly changed to a formal thong in an attempt to relieve Putin's embarrassment...In a show of good faith, his thong still carried the laundry tag from the Molotov Memorial Steam'n'Kleen where they still sprinkle kerosene from glass bottles, just like the commissar did in his day...

Putin's newly appointed Commissar of Laundry, Ivan Yakinov, was on hand taking notes as Lefty spoke of his worldwide experience in serving the needs of poofters...The ambassador was particularly concerned with the quality of the towel service in the Moscow bath houses, and was told that all the towel boys had been recently purged with the exception of one known only as Leftovsky...

Leftovsky claims to have been descended from Rasputin, the mystic towel bearer and keeper of the tip jar for Czar Nicholas the Poofter...Leftovsky avoided the purge because he somehow gained the favor of Putin's lesbian wife who also wears the same size lingerie...

Ambassador Lefty advised Commissar Yakinov to appoint a men's room attendant who can keep a supply of good cigars, and also keep the beer cooler at the proper temperature...He also advised switching to a more palatable beer such as Hamm's, and avoiding the local brands brewed from potato peels, which he said were only a few steps up from Coors...

Shown below, Ambassador Lefty amused the brewery workers with different ways to peel potatoes, while instructing President Putin and his entourage on other ways to pad his portfolio with potatoes...

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Police blotter...

Police and court correspondent Dan files this report, "I will be a little late this morning. I have to go down to Home Depot and try to get Lefty out from being detained by Home Depot Security. They charge Lefty with shoplifting four sheets of drywall concealed in his pants.  As you know, this is ridiculous ... Lefty could never get four sheets of drywall in his pants; one sheet maybe."

Editorial comment: He shoulda known...Last time it was four sacks of ReadyMix concrete...Two maybe, but four?...

Maybe his horoscope told him four was his lucky number...But he might have remembered his punishment the last time he was caught shoplifting in WalMart's ladies' foundations department, as shown below still wearing the Playtex girdle he was arrested in...

Voyeurism could be the reason behind Massive Starfish Die-offs...

http://newsmaine.net/21437-virus-could-be-reason-behind-massive-starfish-die-offs

In a new study, funded in part by the Starkist Tuna Co., Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory, reports finding a correlation between watching lesbian activities and early death among starfish...Dr. Lefty reached his conclusions while finishing the tuna and horseradish sandwich his mom packed in his lunch and observing the nude lesbian pilates class through an aquarium placed in the window of the lesbian gymnasium...

While wishing the starfish clinging to the side of the tank would go away and allow him to see better, he noticed they began to fall off the glass to the bottom of the tank, where attentive blowfish attempted to revive them...Discounting the possibility that his own horseradish breath could have caused the phenomenon, he realized that observing the lesbians, as the starfish were doing, sometimes causes light-headedness in himself, even when not drinking Hamm's beer...

He further observed that the blowfish were sometimes successful in their rescue efforts, just as he is sometimes revived after falling asleep in the locker room...Unfortunately his investigation was interrupted when pilates instructor, Mazola McLeglock, saw him through the fishbowl and reported his presence to midget lesbian security guard, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, who encouraged him to break off surveillance at the end of her PR-24 baton...

Shown below, lesbian mermaids agree to clean the aquarium walls in order to give Dr. Lefty a clearer view in his studies...


Monday, November 17, 2014

Massive Storms Ripping Through Uranus Leave Scientists Puzzled...

http://www.ibtimes.com/massive-storms-ripping-through-uranus-atmosphere-leave-scientists-puzzled-1723062

Baffled scientists who previously laughed at his scientific efforts are now turning to Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory as the only man who may have the answers... Dr. Lefty is known to have experienced humiliation as others pointed to him, and holding their noses asked, "What in the heck is happening in Uranus?"...

And now as 7-11 stores in the vicinity of scientific research facilities around the country sell out their inventory of Gas-X and Beano, they all look to Dr. Lefty for the answers...As is well known, scientists, being nerds and geeks, tend to work long hours barely stopping to eat, and when they do stop to dine it is usually fast food from nearby...

In the past several months the Taco Bell Corporation decided to improve its marketing strategy by buying out its competitors near research laboratories, and replacing them with Taco Bell outlets...The result was a huge increase in methane gas production which energy experts see as an advantage, but the producers of the gas have no way to control their output...

Now they come to Dr. Lefty with hat in hand (and Charmin in the other) asking, "Please, tell us how you dealt with the storms in Uranus"...Since Dr. Lefty and his research crew have existed on a strict diet of Taco Bell bean and chili burritos using an almost endless supply of coupons found in a Maersk shipping container, he has become the world's foremost authority on controlling unintended gas production...

Another scientist might have refused to help those who had previously humiliated him, but Dr. Lefty's only interest (besides studying lesbian activity) is in helping mankind, and he has volunteered his expertise in the problem in return for clearing his past-due tab at Spec's Liquor Store...It seems he is unable to wash down his green chili burritos without a steady supply of Hamm's beer, which strangely enough also has the effect of neutralizing the burritos' amino acids which produce much of the methane gas...

Thus a quick passing of the hat among the other researchers solved the problems in the laboratories and allowed work to continue in important fields...We can all improve our own lives if we remember Dr. Lefty's story the next time someone looks at you and asks, "Holy crap! What's going on in Uranus?"...

As shown below, now that the crisis is averted, Dr. Lefty has returned to his studies of colliding moons...


Hobby Airport doctor says vacation pecker the next big thing in plastic surgery...

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/features/gone-viral/os-nyc-doctor-says-vacation-breasts-the-next-big-thing-in-plastic-surgery-20141113-embeddedvideo.html

Dr. Tchytz of the Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop has announced a further "extension", so to speak, of his successful Hobby Airport medical and sport fishing enterprise...Noting that his sex change business produces more raw material than his bait shop, run by manager Lefty, can sell, the entrepreneur doctor has entered the "vacation prosthesis" business...

Taking his cue from plastic surgeons offering "vacation breasts" to women wanting to augment their beach presence with bigger, temporary boobs, Dr. Tchytz' research showed that vacationing poofters would enjoy a larger profile on their gay nude beaches as well...Securing a contract with the Jimmy Dean sausage packing company for their surplus, unused sausage casings, Dr. Tchytz did his prototype work on his own bait shop manager, Lefty...

The doctor found that the sausage casings came in a variety of colors and shades to match any ethnicity or degree of sunburn...When fastened to the patient's own protuberance with super glue and kite string, the doctor filled it with leftover parts from his gender reassignment patients who no longer needed them, and which were unsuitable as sand shark bait...

The doctor then added a tube for drainage which also provided some rigidity, and tied off the end at whatever length the patient contracted for...He offers a two week guarantee that other poofters won't be able to discern the artificial nature of the prosthesis on the beach, although he advises carrying a Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausage Biscuit to explain the noticeable smell of the casing...

The doctor does warn however that Lefty's experience with the prototype has shown that excessive consumption of Hamm's beer has caused some premature corrosion in the unit's drainage tube...He advises a beverage with a higher water content, such as Coors...

Just as the women's "vacation breasts" will deflate to normal size after their holiday, the "vacation pecker" will return to its normal size also, but if the globetrotting poofter times it right, he can have an extra snack on the plane ride home...Pictured below is a happy poofter vacationer protecting his temporary assets from the sun's rays on the beach...


Sunday, November 16, 2014

5,000-Year-Old Poofter Footprints Discovered in Denmark...

http://www.wallstreetotc.com/5000-year-old-human-footprints-discovered-denmark/212400/

Professor Lefty of the highly regarded Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has announced another stunning discovery in the quest for information concerning early bath house history...While following leads on the origins of the high concentration of Danish transgender surgery, the professor and his team stumbled into the possible remains of an early poofter shower room...

A now dry watercourse at one time created a waterfall over an enclosed clay bottomed pit where it is theorized that prehistoric poofters gathered to shower...Professor Lefty pointed out clear footprints left in the clay where one of the occupants dropped a bar of soap while another walked up behind him and made an overt connection...

Other footprints indicated an audience had gathered as the ritual progressed, and the professor even found a petrified bar of Dove-scented soap stuck in the clay floor...When asked how he could be certain of his findings, the professor said, "Believe me, I know what the scene of a surprise rear entry looks like, and this evidence is so clear I can almost imagine being there"...

Still unclear is the underlying reason of why so much transgender surgery was concentrated in the Denmark area...Some theorists point to legends of a fierce, red-haired midget lesbian who performed male organ amputations on a nearby stone altar, but this practice may have stemmed from her hatred for men, particularly weapons peddlers...

Other evidence of note includes the odd footprints pictured below which were embedded in the shower room area depicting male footprints dragging a large object between the feet...Professor Lefty's research assistant, Dr. RHM, eagerly volunteered to examine the findings...


Russian laundry ministry says poofter patrols will reach Gulf of Mexico...

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2014/11/13/russian-defense-ministry-says-bomber-patrols-will-reach-gulf-mexico/

In an embarrassing turn of events for the Obama administration, it has been learned that UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty has been tracked by the Russian Ministry of Laundry through his own laundry marks as well as skidmarks all the way to the Gulf of Mexico during his recent international travels...The nature of the diplomatic mission demands stealth and a low profile by members of the diplomatic corps, yet Lefty's activities have always been front page news and easily tracked...

Known as a "man of the people," Ambassador Lefty seldom restricts his moves to embassy approved locations, and frequently visits the bath houses, nudist facilities and houses of horizontal refreshment in his assigned locales...Taking its cues from its Chinese counterparts, the Russian Laundry Ministry has built a dossier of Lefty's movements using his own laundry marks as he visits men's rooms, exotic dance facilities and peep shows in his travels...

Using his diplomatic cover, Ambassador Lefty was able to make a refueling stop in Cuba, and quickly took the opportunity to fill his diplomatic pouch with an assortment of Cuban cigars at the duty-free shop using his White House issued VISA card...The report of his activities was already front page news as Lefty's plane touched down at Hobby Airport, and was met by a blue-helmeted chauffeur in a limousine with UN license plates...

Lefty was delivered to his converted shipping container home behind a Braniff Street mansion belonging to a retired airline owner, which has been designated as a UN Embassy and therefore protected by law...Attempts to get a statement from the mansion's eccentric, reclusive owner were met by a rolling pin wielding young woman who, although beautiful, had an angry no-nonsense look causing most reporters to reconsider and seek easier stories...

Pictured below is one young reporter who mistakenly thought he could sweet talk the mansion owner's daughter into giving him an opportunity at an exclusive story...He is said to be on convalescent leave for an undetermined length of time as his insurance company is uncertain whether his policy covers rolling-pin welts...

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Wal-Mart's U.S. same-sex sales show first growth in seven quarters...

http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/11/13/us-walmart-results-idUSKCN0IX1BV20141113

WalMart's strange experiment to raise awareness of its same-sex business enterprise has finally produced a profit in its men's room spinoff using a well known male lingerie boutique as its business model...An audit of the tip jar in WalMart's Hobby Airport location showed seven quarters in addition to the slugs and Burger King coupons usually deposited by patrons for services rendered by the greeter/attendant...

As part of his ongoing community service obligation to prevent his bond revocation, frequent offender Lefty was assigned as greeter/attendant since he was already familiar with the successful methods of his brother, RHM, in his position as men's room attendant at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...As he was correcting the spelling on some graffiti in one of the stalls, a well known elderly, although eccentric, resident of Braniff Street entered...

Remembering his instructions from RHM, Lefty offered to take the client's coat for cleaning and pressing during his visit...Lefty, noticing the client had entered the stall with a Taco Bell lunch sack, a JC Whitney catalog and a magic marker, figured the gentleman would be occupied for some time, and left to talk to the chubby, yet attractive lesbian layaway clerk...

On his return, the store manager was waiting for him, and demanded Lefty's explanation for a complaint from an irate, elderly client identifying himself as a volunteer advisor to Houston's City Council who protested he lost a valuable Men's Wearhouse coat exactly like the one Lefty was wearing, containing $1.75 in quarters, the exact amount found in Lefty's tip jar...Pending investigation, Lefty was placed on administrative leave, and accepted an unpaid internship as a clerk's helper in the layaway department...

Pictured below is Rosa Martinez-Hernandez con Sanchez, temporarily reassigned from mop duty to men's room attendant until management makes a decision on Lefty's future with WalMart...

U.S. Poofter Service Names First Lesbian Poofmaster General...

http://online.wsj.com/articles/u-s-postal-service-names-first-female-postmaster-general-1415977837

Lame duck US President Obama, in an effort to appease the gay/lesbian community over this week's errors in international poofter relations, and to ensure his place in history, has named the first lesbian US Poofmaster General...Outgoing Poofmaster Leroi LeBoi announced his retirement to open a string of high-end gay bars named "Nancybois" with celebrity co-partners Tom Cruise and John Travolta...

The President said in his press statement that replacing LeBoi was not easy, but he places his confidence in longtime government employee, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian who has worked at all levels of government, usually until her superiors can find a way to get rid of her...Obama said that Ms. Bunny will bring a new attitude to the job, as well as a new altitude since the top of her head is zipper-level for most of her co-poofters...

In introducing Ms. Bunny, the President apologized for resting his Hamm's beer can on top of her head, and said he was momentarily confused by her new flattop hairdo which caused him to mistake her for a beverage table...In her shrill, annoying voice, Ms. Bunny accepted the apology, and said she intends to bring a new level of service to the position of Poofmaster General since she is already at eye level with the center of attraction in most poofter relations...

UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty applauded the President's choice in his usual diplomatic manner, "I do all the work pulling this lame duck's pecker out of the frying pan, and he gives this cherry of a job to this lesbo?...Something's going on under the table for sure"...

Pictured below is the new Poofmaster General delivering her acceptance speech in her squeaky, irritating voice from behind the presidential podium...

Friday, November 14, 2014

Obama meets Suk Yui, prods Burma on erections...

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2014/11/14/obama-reforms-burma/19012941/

President Obama, again showing his diplomatic ineptitude, has aroused the anger of yet another nation on his worldwide "good will" tour...Even after being thoroughly briefed (using Jockey briefs made in Sri Lanka) by UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty, the President committed a serious breach of protocol during his "hot tub summit" with Burmese President Suk Yui...

Obama began the meeting with a misstep when he tried to enter Suk Yui's presidential hot tub while still wearing his bulletproof towel, but quickly handed it to a Secret Service agent, explaining that he was reluctant to embarrass the Burmese leader by encouraging a comparison of their equipment differences in the press...That faux pas was politely passed over by Suk Yui, but what occurred next could not be easily ignored...

President Obama was unfamiliar with the Hindu practice of allowing animals into poofter hot tubs during the "blessing of the waters" ceremony, and when Suk Yui led the nation's sacred goat (also named Burma) into the tub, the obviously excited American leader began to prod the surprised goat who quickly jumped out of the tub...Obama, realizing his serious error in protocol, tried to explain to the enraged Suk Yui that he was merely trying to help the goat to a seat in the tub, but the damage was done, and the meeting was quickly called off...

Suk Yui later issued a press statement saying, "President Obama thinks he can screw our sacred goats just like he does the American taxpayer!"...Ambassador Lefty sent a gift basket of Dove soap and IKEA towels to the Burmese presidential palace later, and scheduled a luncheon with Suk Yui over a sack of Taco Bell vegetarian burritos and a sixer of Hamm's beer, but said privately that Mr. Obama had "really stepped in it this time"...

Ambassador Lefty told reporters later that even his skill and long time experience in poofter diplomacy had failed him and he was forced to call in the one man in the world who might be able to smooth over this difficulty...Asian peace hopes now hang on whether the revered Hindu philosopher, Rama Lamba Ernest, can be coaxed from his tranquil hills in Gonzales County to settle the dispute in a peaceful manner...

Shown below, President Obama has ordered a fleet of C-17 cargo planes to stand by ready to transport Rama Lamba Ernest and his entire flock of goats to Burma in an attempt to avert the crisis...

US bath house industry cheers China IT trade deal progress...

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/tech/tech-news/US-tech-industry-cheers-China-IT-trade-deal-progress/articleshow/45124505.cms  

Cheers went up from all sides as President Obama and Ambassador Lefty announced that agreement was reached with China's Minister of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung, concerning the touchy subject of IT (Imported Towels)...The international poofter community has always agreed that the finest towels must be imported from Sweden where the IKEA textile mills blend the best hand picked Egyptian cotton with wool from contented goats tended by a renowned goat whisperer known only as Ernest...

Not to be outdone, the Norwegian poofter contingent has announced a hostile bid to take over the high-end serviette industry by enlisting longtime fugitive, and best-selling author, Ifar Toften to represent their interests at the bargaining table...Although INTERPOOF, the gay crimes investigative agency, has warrants issued for Mr. Toften's arrest throughout the civilized world, he has managed to elude capture by bribery or influence, and even diplomatic immunity as a credentialed diplomat representing the Norwegian bath house industry...

Ambassador Lefty was selected to speak for the American poofter community due to his well chosen words and ability to speak with diplomacy, "This flaming homo, Toften, might as well be wagging his pecker at the rest of the world to think he can get away with grabbing up the best towel contracts...There are a lot of bribes riding on this business, and I'm not giving back a nickel of it"...

President Obama is enjoying the new alliances he made in the Beijing hot tubs, and has pledged his cooperation with any lame-duck executive orders that are paid for in cash...China's Minister of Laundry said, "Stinky Scandinavian poofter think he smart guy...We put him to work in Chinese labor camp...Him see"...

But as sabres are rattled and threats are exchanged across oceans, the key to settlement of the dispute may lay with a simple goat whisperer named Ernest who tends the herds which yield the wool for the towel mills...Since his conversion to Hinduism at the Gonzales County Temple, he seeks only peace through non-violence and his unique animal husbandry practices...

Scholars and philosophers are in debate as to the underlying meaning of his words when told of the international conflict, "Someone bring me and Sweet Thang another cold Corona"...Now known as Rama Lamba Ernest, the goatherder is shown below in his earlier days as a beauty contest judge...

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Phillbo Probe Sends Back First Photo From Surface of Comet...

http://www.nbcnews.com/news/photo/philae-probe-sends-back-first-photo-surface-comet-n247586

The Phillbo Probe, after making its successful landing on the so-called Trampoline Comet, has begun transmitting photos back to Earth for study by scientists...As the Lefty Probe had been ordered into government detention for a 30 to 90 day period of debriefing by a local court, the Phillbo Probe was chosen for the mission instead, and has proven a worthy choice...

Landing on the Trampoline Comet was expected to be difficult, and no lander on Earth has had more experience in overcoming rough landings than the Phillbo Probe...The Phillbo unit also contains a dual-purpose probe, and since the comet's springy surface was suspected to be similar in content to the ingredients used in Arizona style street tacos, one end of the probe was already programmed to receive its many variations...

Although it was unknown at the time whether the comet is inhabited, there were indications of lesbian lifeforms present...If so, the other end of the Phillbo Probe was engineered to be highly sensitive (some would say eager) to study every aspect of their existence...

As the veteran Lefty Probe receives a much needed cleaning and re-programming in its maintenance facility, the Phillbo Probe has already begun to transmit data back to Earth for study...Raw camera footage contained the image below which scientists believe may be one of the comet's lifeforms offering a sample of the comet's surface to the probe's intake port...


Remains of dating from Ice Age uncovered in Alaska...

http://www.foxnews.com/science/2014/11/12/remains-infants-dating-from-ice-age-uncovered-in-alaska/

Leaving Alaska just ahead of the frigid weather, Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies can now tell us of his latest findings concerning poofter and lesbian dating rituals among early Eskimo cultures...If the Eskimos had been smart enough to leave before they froze to death, they might have been able to tell us themselves...

What the professor and his research team uncovered in the northern wastelands appears to have been the earliest known nudist settlement segregated for gay and lesbian activities...Although the settlement was inhabited by both male and female gays, it was ruled by a fierce red-haired midget lesbian named Nanookie of the North...

Professor Lefty prefaced his remarks with this statement, "This had to be the dumbest bunch of homos in history...They not only started a nudist camp in the middle of an ice age, but they didn't even know they could get warmer by rubbing something other than their noses together"...

The professor went on to describe how they uncovered the remains of the poofter population still frozen in their unheated hot tubs, and yet the bodies of Nanookie and her slave towel boy, Yellocok (who is always pictured on her left in illustrations) were never found...Some legends tell of a similar couple who appeared in the warmer southern lands shortly after the ice age claimed the settlement with no other survivors...

Professor Lefty's research indicates that Nanookie became an undersheriff in a wild, unsettled area where she was overcharged for her swords, shields and battleaxes by a traveling weapons peddler...From that moment she vowed in her shrill, annoying voice that she and her descendants would take vengeance on all weapons dealers by marrying, betraying and abandoning them wherever they found them...

Yellocok, for unknown reasons, kept making left turns in his journey toward warmer lands, and eventually stopped wandering in what became the southeast Texas area where his descendants are said to still practice the family trade of folding towels for poofters...The descendants of both survivors have been known to cross paths from time to time, most notably in the Hobby Airport Bath House District of Houston...

Seen in the video below is what is believed to be a direct descendant of Nanookie carrying on the family law enforcement tradition by conducting a roadside interrogation of a suspect thought to be a distant relative of Yellocok...


Man freed after being trapped in shop wall for three days...

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-30023739

A man believed to be a vacationing towel boy returning to his place of employment in South Houston, Texas has been freed from his entrapment in a hollow wall between a liquor store and a 24-hour lesbian massage parlor in Colorado...The man, who identified himself only as "Lefty," said he would have called for help earlier, but was actually eating better than at home, although the wall's interior wasn't quite as roomy as his shipping container home...

Questioned by police, he stated he had been living off half-eaten bags of Cheetos found in the wall, and breathing through holes which had mysteriously been drilled through the wall from the liquor store cashier's cubicle to the lesbian locker room...Police believe that part of his story is true since rescue workers had difficulty lifting him out of the wall due to an apparent weight gain after becoming trapped...

Still unclear is Lefty's reason for being in the wall as no sign of forced entry was found, and he may have fallen asleep shortly before the liquor store closed while shopping in the bargain aisle close to the Hamm's beer display...Police theorize he may have become disoriented after awakening in the dark, and attempted to climb over the wall towards the sounds of giggling and squealing coming from the massage parlor...

Also unclear is why Lefty's travel itinerary included a detour through Colorado when he was vacationing in Florida and returning home to the Hobby Airport area in Texas...Lefty's explanation was that a fugitive who looks just like him and has the same name apparently has active warrants in several states, so Lefty finds it advantageous to plan his trips to avoid passing through those states...

A police spokesman said that if Lefty's story checks out, he will be released on his own recognizance, much to the relief of the other inmates who are unaccustomed to his unusual smell which is said to be reminiscent of a greasy Taco Bell sack that had been repurposed as a barf bag...Shown below is a police photo of Lefty moments before his rescue from the wall...

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Lesbians Jam Each Other's Sonar While Date Hunting...

http://www.ndtv.com/article/offbeat/acoustic-warfare-bats-jam-each-other-s-sonar-while-bug-hunting-617860

Stunning new evidence has been presented in the relentless quest for new ways to get past the natural defense barriers put up by lesbians upon the approach of lust-minded towel boys and other lower life forms...Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory has concluded his latest observation of the mating/dating rituals of rugmunchers in their natural habitat of the all-female bath house...

Using a cleverly concealed periscope, newly constructed at great expense by Dr. Lefty's eighth grade nephew and science student Stiffy in exchange for a peek at the video notes accumulated in Dr. Lefty's research, he was able to draw new conclusions after his study...It was previously thought that lesbians had a method for diverting each other's attention in the presence of a particularly attractive newcomer to the covey, and this newest research confirms it...

From behind the cover of a potted cannabis plant in the hydroponic garden area of a popular Braniff Street lesbian spa, Dr. Lefty watched as a perfectly formed new arrival joined the nude yoga class of instructor Mazola McLeglock, and was immediately swarmed by the many nude, but seriously overweight attendees who vied for her attention...Previously Dr. Lefty had noticed the lesbians' curious ritual of placing their own tongues in the ears of their competitors, and with the aid of his powerful new periscope, he determined the reason...

Each lesbian was attempting to "jam the sonar" of their rivals by burying a wad of Dubble Bubble gum in the ears of the others...Dr. Lefty's observations were halted at this point as he attempted to adjust the prototype periscope's mirrors (obtained by Stiffy from his mom's makeup kit), when he felt a blinding pain and lost consciousness...

When Dr. Lefty regained his composure, he found himself inexplicably nude, handcuffed to a Montrose area fireplug with the word "pervert" written in lipstick on his forehead...The investigation into the attack is ongoing by the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium's chief of security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, who reports the only new evidence is a broken Louisville slugger found in the locker of newly hired perimeter guard, midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny of the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...

Shown below is one of Stiffy's first attempts at periscope construction installed in his sister's bathroom, said to be part of a science project for school...

Beer exec Hamm ordered to pay ex-wife $1B...

http://thehill.com/policy/energy-environment/223628-oil-exec-hamm-ordered-to-pay-ex-wife-1b

In a stunning setback, the patriarch of the Hamm's Brewing Co. family has been ordered to pay his ex-wife the sum of one billion dollars in a historic divorce settlement...As the scion of the family fortune and guardian of the secret (although distorted by centuries of mishandling) formula for Hamm's beer, Hocker Hamm thought his position was safe until he was thwarted by an unhappy, and unfaithful wife...

To briefly recap family history, Hamm's beer has been a favorite beverage of bath house towel boys and men's room attendants since the first batch was brewed by an escaped Egyptian slave, Igoleft the Lesser...Since those first successful years, its quality slipped to the point where today even the most generous of beer critics refer to it as "rancid swill," and yet it has inexplicably lost none of its popularity in bath house commissaries...

But Hocker Hamm mistakenly became convinced that no misbehavior on his part could ever drive a wedge between himself and his wife, Lickreesha...Becoming convinced that Hocker's frequent overnight bath house visits were more than mere business trips, Lickreesha began a liaison with professional nude oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, and shortly thereafter filed for divorce...

The epic courtroom battle between famed divorce attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. representing Hocker, and the recently reinstated Cascade Kitchen Counselor for Lickreesha, took place before Judge SBA who was recalled to the bench because of his vast experience in divorce cases, mostly his own...After several evidentiary hearings in which Judge SBA considered the bribe offerings from both sides of the courtroom, he decided in favor of Lickreesha on her promise of an antique player piano for the judge's personal collection...

In addition, a complete liquidation of Hocker Hamm's assets was ordered to be administered by the auction house of Lefty & RHM, Ltd...The auctioneers will collect their standard commissions from the sales, less a mandatory kickback to be credited to the judge's Spec's Liquor Store revolving account...

Speaking from the auction house headquarters located in a converted shipping container behind Judge SBA's palatial Braniff Street mansion, auctioneer Lefty responded to questions concerning whether Hamm's beer quality will continue to slip in popularity and quality...Lefty offered this statement, "Well, it still tastes OK if it's cold enough, but the best thing you can say about is, it ain't Coors"...

Pictured below is Judge SBA, still in his courtroom attire, enjoying the new addition to his antique piano collection...

Mormon Church founder had 40 wives; Renegade cult leader says, "So what?"...

http://latino.foxnews.com/latino/news/2014/11/11/mormon-church-admits-its-founder-had-as-many-as-40-wives/

As the Mormon Church makes a long awaited admission about the family life of its founder, one of its former members, who left the church to form his own sect in the Moab Desert  has called the deceased leader a "rank amateur"...Now known as Father X, the enigmatic hooded figure spoke from his new 25-room pastor's quarters located between his Coors distributorship and his antique motorcycle museum where he resides with his main wife, Sister Ninja, and a rotating roster of at least 12 of his lesser wives...

"I don't know exactly how many wives I currently have," he stated for the record, "You might be able to get this week's tally from my accountant"...He went on to say that although he has never been divorced, he personally knows of some gentiles who may have had as many wives, although all one at a time...

As examples he mentioned an elderly, eccentric former airline owner and currently piano-roll museum operator in the Hobby Airport area who had many wives in countries around the world, as well as a reclusive former gun dealer and forum administrator who reached the maximum number of marriages and divorces allowed in Texas, and was forced to retreat to a county which is in the process of seceding from the state...

Until his sudden exit from the Utah government in disgrace, Father X was a devout member of the Mormon Church, and a minor, although corrupt, employee in the governor's office...As his participation in a counterfeit Coors ration card scheme became known, he resigned and claims to have wandered in the desert until he saw a vision of St. Britney beckoning him to an oasis...

Upon obtaining a franchise and ordination as a priest from Bishop Lefty of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity, he began building his compound at the oasis where he holds worship services to St. Britney in a darkened video arcade, and anoints himself several times a day with a golden grain nectar imported from Colorado...He accepts new devotees regularly, and encourages them to tithe up to 90% of their earthly riches in exchange for the promise of the chance to worship at St. Britney's altar...

Answering questions concerning the sect's beliefs, Father X stated that although Bishop Lefty's bylaws do not restrict his marriages to one sex or even one species, he made the decision to only enrich the lives of younger, beautiful human females by allowing them to enter holy wedlock with him...Pictured below is the wedding cake used in Father X's latest wedding last Tuesday morning...


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Cute chick rover: A new way to spy on shy lesbians...

http://www.godanriver.com/news/national/wire/cute-chick-rover-a-new-way-to-spy-on-shy/article_80779fe7-7027-55fd-9446-a112b2d13d8f.html

The latest adventure undertaken by the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has been enhanced by the addition of a prototype of the new "cute chick rover" from the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory...The device, which resembles a toy recently released for Christmas sales, has no connection with a recent shoplifting reported at the South Houston Toys 'R' Us according to the laboratory's spokesman, Dr. RHM...

The Institute's Professor Lefty is said to be delighted by the contribution, and says he expects to uncover previously unseen lesbian assets...Professor Lefty explained, "Our previous efforts into this habitat involved a clandestine peephole secretly drilled into a locker room wall, but the lesbians became aware of our observation resulting in black eyes for a few of us researchers"...The professor said the "rover" will be outfitted as a mobile soap dispenser robot, and is expected to be able to operate without detection in lesbian hot tub and massage rooms...

Professor Lefty said the real test will come as he attempts to observe the nude yoga classes in the closely guarded nudist lesbian complex of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...He said although the access from the male poofter side of the bath house is guarded by the easily bribed security official, Big "Tiny" Balsac, his previous attempts at observation were quickly halted by the sharp-eyed midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny of the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...

According to Professor Lefty, the deputy quickly sounded the alarm in her squeaky, annoying voice which alerted yoga instructor and nude lesbian oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, who threatened the observation team with loss of body parts as well as recording equipment...Professor Lefty says this time his observation will be done in the safety of his own headquarters in a converted shipping container behind a nearby Braniff Street mansion via the internet and his laptop computer...

Shown here is a video of the test trials of a submersible version of the "cute chick rover" being considered for research into lesbian hot tub activities...