Friday, December 26, 2014

Kim Jong-un Fails Again...

The North Korean poofter dictator, growing desperate in his attempts to stop worldwide distribution of a parody video exposing his true nature, has enlisted the aid of underworld contacts in some third-world countries to attempt blocking the video...The underhanded move was brought to the attention of an otherwise busy Truckman who, with a quick message to one of his many sources at YouTube, quickly had the video reinstated with apologies...

A source close to Truckman said the powerful publisher merely laughed off Kim Jong-un's latest act of desperation, saying, "Kim is apparently afraid to confront me personally, and uses back-handed moves like this by his faceless toadies against my nieces...He should be more careful as they are not strangers to bitch-slapping a bully"...

The video is again presented below for the entertainment of our readers...If Kim wants to expend any more influence against its presentation, there are plenty of other venues...



More World News articles...

Monday, December 22, 2014

North Korea, Angrily Denying Truckman Attack, Proposes Joint Investigation With U.S...

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/21/world/asia/north-korea-denying-sony-attack-proposes-joint-investigation-with-us.html?_r=0

The laughable North Korean dictator, in an effort to throw suspicion off himself, is trying to insert himself into the investigation of his own actions...He may be able to fool FBI and INTERPOOF investigators, but the wily and experienced Truckman easily saw through his subterfuge...

Fresh from his victory over Sony Corporation, he thought all companies would quickly cave in to his bullying tactics...He failed to take into consideration the vast worldwide resources available to Truckman from those eager to return the favors from years gone by...

But Kim Jong-un's biggest mistake was incurring the anger of Truckman's many devoted nieces...A number of them were home from college for the holidays, and instead of working on their winter tans or getting new hair styles and manicures, they decided to open fire against the Korean despot...

Calling him not only an embarrassment to the Asian community, but also the poofters, they called in the studio actors and production crew who were only too happy to participate in a new parody video...As can be easily seen in the video below, Kim should have learned the lessons from other dictators who tried to stand up to Truckman...

Be sure to push the fullscreen button for best viewing...



Saturday, December 20, 2014

Egypt's poofters go deeper underground, fearing crackdown...

http://www.chron.com/news/crime/article/Egypt-s-gays-go-deeper-underground-fearing-5970187.php

Alternative lifestyle correspondent Dan reports, ""Egypt's gays go deeper underground, fearing crackdown" ...Meanwhile, in local Conroe news, Conroe gays go deeper in underwear, checking their crackdown.

"CAIRO (AP) — Just before midnight, the police navigated down the narrow alleys of an old downtown Cairo district and descended on a rundown bathhouse. They dragged out dozens of nearly naked men, who covered their faces as they struggled to hold up towels, and loaded them into police trucks."

Update: The raid was led by Inspector Lefty of INTERPOOF, the international gay crime agency, who reported he served several outstanding warrants...His partner and chief investigator, Special Agent RHM (shown below), is reported to have served cocktails and hors d'ouerves at the reception following arraignment court...



More World News articles...

Viking lesbians colonized new lands, too...

http://www.foxnews.com/science/2014/12/08/viking-women-colonized-new-lands-too/

In a collaborative effort, researchers from the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies (IALS) have joined forces with factfinders in Norway in their quest for knowledge of early poofter history...Taking advantage of a temporary injunction against legal action on the various morals charges against him, Norwegian fugitive and Viking history buff, Ifar Toften, presented his credentials to Professor Lefty of the IALS in a dimly lit closet of a popular Hobby Airport bath house...

The professor then showed Mr. Toften his, after which they both came out of the closet and began to form plans to visit Norway and explore ancient Viking lesbian legends...It has long been thought that a band of renegade Viking lesbians led by a fiery midget named Nanookie of the North raided poofter villages on the west coast of North America in what became the San Francisco area, then worked their way north to the Yukon before retreating from the glaciers of the Ice Age...

Professor Lefty's earlier research was curtailed by a lack of funding, and the sudden discovery of several bench warrants against him by Alaskan authorities which were later dismissed by the personal intervention of former Governor Palin...The Governor acted on Professor Lefty's behalf after a private conference in the Governor's hot tub following a chance meeting in an Alaskan arraignment court where Mrs. Palin had appeared concerning a family difficulty...

An itinerary is currently being worked out whereby the Professor and Mr. Toften can travel together if a route can be found where neither have active warrants from local jurisdictions...The professor predicts successful research into lesbian Viking history as long as Mr. Toften's funding is available...

The professor said in a press conference, "If this homo's tip money holds out, I'll do research in every lesbo strip bar in Norway"...Pictured below is the type of environment Professor Lefty hopes to uncover...


Friday, December 19, 2014

Denmark challenges Russia and Canada over Pants Pole...

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-30481309

Denmark continues to lead the poofter news parade...First with their lenient new marriage laws, and indications of early bath house history, the nation is now poised to challenge Canada and Russia in the UN for the prestigious Pants Pole Award...

As is widely known, Canadian and Russian poofters lead the world in public pants pole displays, but Danish homos are now challenging the title holders with the help of a pole collector...A semi-retired firetruck salesman and renowned pole collector known only as Ricky has inadvertently shown the Danes the path to fame...

The collaboration began as Ricky, who supplements his income by renting himself out as a sunblock, contracted to block the sun for a fair-skinned group on a nearby nude beach...The group failed to inform Ricky they were Danish poofters wanting to experience a nude beach, but wanting to avoid a painful sunburn...

Ricky's enormous physique not only kept the sun away from them, but scared away other poofters also, which lessened their enjoyment of the day...In an attempt to make it up to them, Ricky took the Danes to his private pole museum, featuring barber poles, stripper poles and especially firehouse poles, where he presented each of them with a souvenir pole to take home...

Upon their return to Copenhagen the Danes quickly learned they could carry the poles inside their pants which proved to be a great advantage in attracting other poofters...The challenge to the Russian and Canadian pants pole enthusiasts is sure to create an interesting international competition...

Ricky had to decline their invitation to visit the bath houses of Denmark due to current passenger size restrictions on overseas flights, but he sent them a flag from his private flagpole collection (shown below) which they now fly on Gay Pride day...

UPDATE: Ice Melt Rate Of Hobby Airport Has Tripled...

http://www.voicechronicle.com/201412-ice-melt-rate-west-antarctic-tripled

The deepening crisis concerning the ice shortage in the Hobby Airport bath house district now has had environmental scientists scratching their heads for a solution...The problem first surfaced earlier this year when enraged poofters began a protest demonstration over the rising temperature of their iced coffees served by the attending towel boys...

Officials decided to call in an expert before the situation reached crisis proportions, and Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory responded...After making a quick tour of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium where the problem was centered, including an extended study of the nude lesbian yoga classes, Dr. Lefty quickly targeted the problem area...

It seems the ice storage area had been located in the towel boys' locker room where the noisy machinery wouldn't disturb the activities of the poofter clientele...Wear patterns on the floor indicated a high traffic area centered on the wall where the freezers were plugged in...

Dr. Lefty's analysis concluded that a series of observation holes had been drilled into the wall to the nude lesbian yoga classroom on the other side, allowing clandestine viewing from the excitable towel boys...He further theorized that an unscrupulous towel boy may have collected a fee from the other towel boys to watch the lesbians, and in their excitement may have inadvertently kicked loose the freezer power cords, thereby causing the ice meltage...

When asked how he arrived at his detailed theory, he merely suggested his years of experience had sharpened his investigative skills...He further suggested stationing a deputy at the wall to guard against further power outages, perhaps a midget who isn't tall enough to be tempted by looking through the holes...

Shown below is what was seen through the peepholes at the time of discovery...

Lesbian Institute professor apologizes after threatening poofter boutique over $4...

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/harvard-professor-apologizes-restaurant-threat-4-article-1.2041032

The bizarre incident that escalated into a nationwide debate and threatened to open a rift between education's elite and business owners has been settled amicably...It began as Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies attempted to return a battery-operated "entertainment device" he had rented for use in a research experiment he was performing...

Before returning it to his rental inventory in his male lingerie boutique, business owner RHM told the professor he would be charged an additional four dollars as a "clean-up fee" to remove the unusual smell attached to the device, which was said to be reminiscent of the "men's room door on a long-haul tuna boat"...Professor Lefty objected, saying the smell was there when he rented it although his girlfriend and research subject, nude lesbian oil wrestler Mazola McLeglock, didn't seem to notice...

RHM then insisted on the charge, saying it would have to be cash only since the credit card he originally used had been cancelled by its owner, an elderly eccentric neighbor who thought it was being used to pick up his daily ration of Corona Extra from Spec's Liquor Store...The professor became indignant, calling the action an insult against the education profession by the capitalist bourgeoisie, and claimed he would start a protest demonstration against RHM...

He quickly changed his mind when Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian member of the Hobby Airport Poofter Police, was summoned to the scene and, seeming to recognize Professor Lefty, began looking through active bench warrants...The professor then said he would have to get the cash from his wallet which he had left in the locker room of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

Returning shortly to pay the fee, he left hurriedly saying he didn't want to be late for a scheduled lecture he was preparing on the mating habits of obese lesbians...The deputy then excused herself in her squeaky, irritating voice to answer a sudden call concerning a missing wallet in the locker room of a nearby bath house...

Shown below, Professor Lefty hitches a ride to the lecture hall with one of his students...

Sunday, December 14, 2014

"Abe" Faces Pole Balancing Act After Commanding Erection Victory...

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2014-12-14/abe-faces-policy-balancing-act-after-commanding-election-victory.html

Learning from his mistakes of the past, Japan's Poofter Minister (PM) "Abe" immediately sought a vote of confidence in a new erection, but then faced a new challenge due to an overlooked point of parliamentary procedure...The disgraced former Trade Minister (TM), lesbian Sukyu Longdime, called for a motion unseen since the Hirohito regime...

The so-called "parlor trick" provision of Japanese law was reinstated following WWII during which it was suspended by Army General Togo, whose penile shortcomings were an unending source of embarrassment...Prior to the war a Poofter Minister could be called upon by Parliament to perform an acrobatic act to prove his worthiness after an erection victory, but the move since fell into disuse...

Former TM Longdime, knowing personally of "Abe's" inability to perform before an audience, demanded he prove his erection victory was legitimate by balancing a spinning basketball on the end of it for one minute..."Abe" immediately called a parliamentary recess to consult with the visiting Harlem Globetrotters team for advice, none of which were available due to contractual commitments elsewhere...

As we know, Japanese Poofter Ministers have great respect for US Presidents which is why they all assume the name of a former President when they take their oaths of office...PM "Abe" immediately thought of his overseas friend Barack, and discreetly contacted the White House through diplomatic channels...

From his oval hot tub, Barack then dispatched UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty to Tokyo with instructions to help "Abe" achieve a balanced position...Lefty recalled his long experience with a traveling circus, and soon had the PM performing his act in true Meadowlark Lemon fashion...

Lefty also demonstrated why he is the poofter world's "go to guy" for diplomatic difficulties when he assuaged lesbian Sukyu Longdime's hurt feelings by making her the centerpiece in his own "spinner" exhibition using his own protuberance in an after hours performance at the Tokyo Bath House & Poofter Parliament...Shown below, "Abe" gets some help with gastro-intestinal pressure release just before his parliamentary performance...

Bath House averts shutdown, passes spending bill: 219 'yeth' to 206 'no way'...

http://www.cnbc.com/id/102260698

In a last minute vote switch, the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium narrowly averted a shutdown which might have affected the entire South Houston bath house district...The neighboring bath houses, massage parlors, tanning salons and other houses of horizontal refreshment carefully watched the proceedings of the Bath House Appropriations Committee as they wrangled over details of the budget...

The main objections were raised over the daily split of the various tip jars used in department operations...Bath house senior officials wanted an independent daily audit of the tip jars before the contents were divided among the participants...Towel boy representative Lefty vehemently objected to this, repeatedly yelling, "Whats'a matter?...You don't trust me?"...

Senior men's room attendant RHM stated for the record he had no objection to an audit, but was shouted down by his detractors who say his independent wealth overshadows the tip jar proceeds anyway...RHM's successful men's lingerie boutique located in leased space inside the men's room comes up for lease negotiations next year in which he is expected to downplay his profits in an effort to maintain current rent levels...

Hot Tub Safety Committee Chairman, Big "Tiny" Balsac, argued for increased spending on springboard suspension upgrades due to the massively elevated average weight of poofters using the facilities...Balsac said, "Last year I could squeeze six of these fat homos into one hot tub, and now it's all I can do to shoehorn four of them in the same tub"...

Bath house security guard and midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, demanded in her shrill, annoying voice that the budget provide for increased repair materials for the holes which mysteriously appear from the towel boys' locker room into the nude lesbian yoga classroom...Yoga instructor Mazola McLeglock suggested a nude oil wrestling competition to settle the committee differences, but was voted down after being seconded by Lefty...

At the final vote, towel boy representative Lefty, who is known to be a switch-hitter anyway, switched his vote on a promise of free lunch for committee members, allowing the budget measure to pass...Shown below, budget committee members take their mandatory outdoor after-lunch ventilation break to avoid indoor air quality deterioration after two-for-one burrito hour at Taco Bell...

Friday, December 12, 2014

Texan Who Published Anti-ISUK Article Is Summoned Under Blasphemy Law...

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/13/world/asia/indonesia-jakarta-post-editor-anti-isis-cartoon-blasphemy-law.html?_r=0

In a laughable attempt to undermine the highly regarded news interpretation service, LeftyInTheNews, a so-called islamic court today summoned fearless publisher Truckman to answer charges of blasphemy over his recent articles concerning the islamic poofter terrorist organization, Islamic State United Kingdom (ISUK)...The deranged Ayatollah and Minister of Iranian Steamrooms, Leph te Rashitch, has issued a warrant for the arrest of Truckman citing evidence of poking fun at middle-eastern homos...

Sources close to the Ayatollah say the warrant was issued from the perceived safety of his own hot tub surrounded by his poofter toadies, none of whom seemed anxious to claim the posted reward of 72 soap-droppers in an Iranian shower room...

Shown below is the poster which is said to have appeared overnight in Iranian and other islamic bath houses...Roughly translated from the gibberish, it apparently reads, "Truckman was mean to ISUK and must be punished"...



Leph te also ordered his trembling sycophants to enter Truckman's headquarters and forcefully confiscate his computer keyboard and Diet Dr Pepper as evidence...There were no immediate volunteers as the image of Truckman's snarling pack of savage Peke-a-Poo K-9 units obviously leaped into their minds...

Truckman was asked for his comments on the threat from Ayatollah Leph te, and between gales of laughter over the thought of the ridiculous Iranian coming to get him, merely pointed to a flag (shown below) reminiscent of another attempted and failed invasion of Texas sovereignty...

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

LeftyInTheNews cyber-attack: cancel ‘Korean Poofter’ video or else, say hackers...

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/news/sony-pictures-cyberattack-cancel-terrorist-film-or-else-say-hackers-9911891.html

Terror-stricken hackers, embarrassed over their failure to breach on-line security defenses set by Truckman Industries, have resorted to outright lies in an attempt to bluff their way past Truckman's refusal to acknowledge their laughable demands...The terrorist school dropouts employed by North Korean poofter dictator, Kim Jong-un, hit a brick wall in their amateurish efforts to breach the impenetrable cyber obstacles employed by Truckman's security professionals...

Since first reporting the failed attack, LeftyInTheNews has learned that the gay North Korean tyrant almost swallowed his soap-on-a-rope when informed of the defeat of his toadies at the foot of Truckman's firewall, and threatened them with decapitation if they failed a second time...Foaming at the mouth in his hot tub, the pudgy despot screamed at his internet warriors, "You get through firewall, or back to washy-washy laundry for you!!"...

It is thought that the clownish dictator was referring to his bath house laundry facility where his political enemies who escaped execution are doomed to a lifetime of servitude removing skidmarks from the towels soiled by the activities of him and his bath house cabinet members...It was learned today that after reading of Truckman's offhand comment concerning reactivating his video production studio to produce a parody of the events, he turned purple with rage, and warned his fawning henchmen to do something about it, or else...

As we know, the video unit was mostly used as a diversion from college studies for Truckman's many adorable nieces who reside with him on the sprawling grounds of Truckman Estates...The studio was idled as many of the beautiful young women were admitted to out-of-state universities, but a few dozen of the gorgeous young ladies recently volunteered to reactivate the facility on their winter break from school, and began pre-production work on a video featuring the ridiculous Asian oppressor...

Rumors have now surfaced in diplomatic channels that Kim's horrified hackers have pleaded with UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty to intervene if he has any influence with Truckman...Lefty, shown below in the reception lobby of the Hobby Airport UN Embassy, stated that if a sixer of Hamm's beer showed up in his diplomatic pouch, he'd consider it...

Monday, December 8, 2014

Mayor says: Burritos are cheaper—so let's hike gas tax...

http://www.cnbc.com/id/102241157

Showing her Democrat inspired thinking, Houston's lame-duck, lesbian Mayor Parker has suggested that city government take advantage of the lower nationwide burrito prices, and hike the tax on the excess gas they are known to produce...The mayor justifies her position by saying that the popular Taco Bell menu items are known to produce excess methane gas causing a "greenhouse effect"...

A spokesperson close to the mayor explained further, "The mayor wants a greenhouse built over her swimming pool, and this is as good an excuse as any to get it done at taxpayer expense before she is run out of office"...The spokesperson, who asked to remain anonymous, was later identified as towel boy Lefty, who was on hand to maintain the temperature in the mayor's hot tub...

Burrito prices have been plummeting as a backlash against North Korean poofter dictator Kim Jong-un's hypocritical ban on them in his country, although they are acknowledged as a favorite of homos around the world...Their popularity, and the voluminous clouds of gas they produce, seem most heavily concentrated in the bath house district of the Hobby Airport area...

A long time resident of the neighborhood, and proprietor of a Braniff Street museum housing antique pianos and piano rolls (some of which he bought new in the Grover Cleveland administration) has been among the most vocal opponents of the mayor's plan...As a volunteer advisor to Houston's city council on vital soil permeation issues, he spoke up after the mayor's proclamation, "This bimbo rugmuncher doesn't care about us veterans on fixed incomes!...Let her try to live on a ship oiler's pension!"...

It is thought he was referring to his service on the ill-fated Edmund Fitzgerald before he was asked to leave over safety issues relating to the shipboard air quality resulting from a gastro-intestinal malady...The point was lost when the KHOU news unit suddenly blocked his wifi signal just before he sent an angry email to city council members, causing the enraged veteran to barricade himself in his armored communications tower until the problem was resolved...

As of this reporting, the resident's long-suffering daughter was trying to convince Hobby Airport Police SWAT units that he really is unarmed, and a call to the VA Clinic will get his medications adjusted allowing him to calm down...The young beauty queen is shown below advising the officers to don their hazmat gear and wipe their feet before entering the house...



Update: Neighborhood Watch captain Dan files this report from curbside -

City sanitation workers are on the scene and all laundry services requisitioned. Investigators, acting on a tip from Taco Bell, have detained Lefty for interrogation, and fumigation. The Mayor will hold a debriefing session today with city leaders, stating "We must get down to the bare facts!"


More Politics articles...

Sunday, December 7, 2014

North Korea Denies Hacking LeftyInTheNews but Calls Attack a ‘Righteous Deed’...

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/08/business/north-korea-denies-hacking-sony-but-calls-attack-a-righteous-deed.html?_r=0

The recent cyber attack on the well-respected news analysis source, LeftyInTheNews, thought to be the amateurish effort of North Korea's poofter dictator, Kim Jong-un, is being described by the despot as "righteous, but not my doing"...Speaking out from his heavily guarded compound deep in the mist-covered forests of Conroe, the mysterious publisher and entrepreneur Truckman answered Kim's denial, saying, "The truth stands alone"...

As usual, the inscrutable Truckman's words may have many meanings, but the message here is clear: he feels that the ineffective slap at his impenetrable cyber defenses can only be the work of an asiatic madman bent on ruling the world from the homoerotic fantasy world he created in his own hot tub...Truckman's keen senses see past the smokescreen of laughable subterfuge the dictator has thrown up in hopes of hiding his true aims of poofter world dominance...

Even Truckman's natural opponents agree that although his beliefs are often diametrically opposed to their own, his reporting and publishing style is impartial and balanced, leaving no doubt as to the veracity of his words...Indeed his own greedy, jezebel ex-wives are forced to agree that although their plans to rob him blind were thwarted, they were dealt with in an unprejudiced manner as their evil plots were ignominiously defeated...

At the expense of being ridiculed even by his own kind, Kim Jong-un continues to deny responsibility while praising the effort, "I not do it, but was good idea!...Where my rubber ducky?!"...His close compatriot, former lowly towel boy and now Director of China's Ministry of Laundry, Lef Ti, had this statement, "Sissy poofter should have learned to stay in own bath house, leave Truckman alone!"...

Well known towel boy Lefty, of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium commented, "Who the hell is Truckman?...Got any spare change?"...Loitering nearby, bath house security guard and midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny said in her squeaky, irritating voice, "Somebody pass the chicken wings"...

As worldwide opinion continues to lean heavily against the absurd refutal by the fat, preposterous North Korean tyrant, Truckman issued this guarded warning, "Kim should keep his head down and shut up before somebody in my parody studio decides to make a video about him"...Pictured below is North Korea's latest warship preparing to do simulated battle in the Asian war games...

Father Lefty to be installed as new Hobby Airport archbishop...

http://www.oanow.com/apwire/news/national/article_6d270fa8-36e0-5748-be63-558f3f73bf3d.html

As expected by church officials, Monsignor RHM of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity has stepped down from his position as archbishop of the Hobby Airport diocese after his public criticism of Father Lefty who gave his seal of approval to a startup temple in the middle of the Moab desert...The temple's High Council on Ecumenical Standards ruled this week that Father Lefty's actions were in keeping with church canons as long as all standard bribes were listed as tithes, and if the usual split was made with High Council members...

But the splinter group, headed by the enigmatic cloaked figure known only as Father X, continues to draw criticism from the far-flung outposts of the religion's widely scattered believers...Brother Kevin Reynolds of the Upper New York diocese, who has not spoken a sentence containing more than three words since donning his monastic robes, broke his vow of silence in a scathing rebuttal of the sanction...

Brother Kevin was especially critical of Father X's choice of conveyance between altars, using over 15,000 words to say why the Ford diesel pickup is more suitable than the Dodge Cummins choice of the newly ordained priest...He then launched into a lengthy diatribe explaining why Genessee Stout is the holy liquid of true believers rather than the Coors used by Father X in his ritual self-blessings...

Even layman MGrist of the North Carolina diocese was skeptical whether Father X's Russian military motorcycle could have held together long enough to find St. Britney's oasis in the desert unless the sidecar was filled with spare parts...He said his belief remains in the Holy Grail of two-wheel transportation, the Harley Davidson panhead...

In the midst of the controversy, the newly installed Archbishop Lefty has invited representatives of the ecumenical council to join him on a pilgrimage to the desert tabernacle where they may witness for themselves, providing one of them will allow traveling costs to be put on a church VISA card since his is temporarily maxxed out...Father X has promised them they will be personally attended to by at least three of his spare wives each during their stay if they agree to be housed in the newly built Motel 6 on the temple grounds at a discounted rate...

Archbishop Lefty has vowed his cooperation in the spiritual investigation saying the council members will see the cleanliness of his spirit as they count the blessings left in his offering plate by the faithful...Meanwhile Monsignor RHM has resumed his duties as men's room attendant at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium in sackcloth and ashes where he continues to encourage tax-deductible tithes to his tip jar pictured below...


Saturday, December 6, 2014

U.K. to Boost Poofter Presence in Persian Gulf...



http://online.wsj.com/articles/u-k-to-boost-military-presence-in-persian-gulf-1417871589

Noting the proliferation of Islamic homos in Great Britain through their umbrella organization, Islamic State United Kingdom (or ISUK), Prime Minister David Cameron has authorized an increase in British poofter presence in the Middle East...A spokesman for the PM who asked not to be identified said British intelligence indicates the main goal behind the ISUK incursion was to overload British laundries with their traditional garments and the rugs on which they kneel to gain access to worship each other's centers of attention...

After a planning session with prominent members of Great Britain's bath house society, the PM appointed Sir Neville Clive Flamingwell to assemble a team of bath house veterans to enter Middle Eastern tents known to house poofter activity, and ascertain their vulnerable points...Sir Neville immediately enlisted the help of Commodore Leftchester of the Royal Horse Marines (RHM) for his vast knowledge of military homo tactics commonly used in Iranian naval ports...

The now-retired Commodore is said to have spent 20 years as an undercover towel boy in the Tehran bath houses right under the nose of Iranian Ayatollah and Minister of Steamrooms Leph te Rashitch...The Commodore (who prefers the nickname "Leftie" given to him by his barracks admirers) spoke in guarded terms about his experience under Minister Leph te, "The filthy buggerer was so busy getting his member rubbed by all his fawning toadies, he couldn't even smell out the spies in his own laundry room"...

Sir Neville said he expects the hatracks in the cloakrooms of Iranian steamrooms soon to be so crowded with bowler hats and umbrellas, they won't have room for their own keffiyehs...Sir Neville also indicated a possible alliance with nude lesbian oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, who is on an educational tour of lesbian massage parlors in Bahrain teaching the Islamic lesbians how to be nude under their burqas without violating sharia law...

Shown below, Ms. McLeglock's personal bodyguard, midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny, showed off her stealth technique in entering a Bahrainian muslim poofter ceremony...


Friday, December 5, 2014

China’s Communist leaders expel former bath house czar over corruption allegations...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/chinas-communist-leaders-expel-former-security-czar-over-corruption-allegations/2014/12/05/bd79b6ec-7c9f-11e4-84d4-7c896b90abdc_story.html

Unable to avoid the publicity generated in their latest scandal, China's Communist Party leaders have expelled the former director of their Ministry of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung...The powerful executive resisted the move knowing what lay in store for him as he fell from the top rung of Chinese bath house society...

The now disgraced Mr. Dung had little to say as he was led away from his executive hot tub wearing only the soiled towel of an apprentice towel boy...Authorities reported under promise of anonymity that he will be interned in a secure facility for "re-education" in basic laundry procedures before being considered for a return to public bath house life...

Details have been sketchy concerning his fall from grace, but high-placed sources report that his personal assistant and favorite towel boy, Lef Ti, has been temporarily elevated to the oval hot tub symbolizing the powerful office of Director...In a hastily called press conference, Lef Ti had little to say about his former boss, "Stingy poofter think he can get away without tipping!...Him see now"...

Hu Flung Dung is reportedly in transit under heavy guard to the Hanzhob People's Poofter Collective deep in the Chinese interior where he will be apprenticed to Showermaster Rili Huang Min (or simply RHM) where he will be retrained as a men's room attendant until he has learned proper humility...Mr. Dung was quoted as saying he hopes to be advanced quickly to Skidmark Inspector in the bath house laundry's towel disbursement office...

Although formal alliances have not yet been established with American homos, President Obama is said to have asked the UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty to open diplomatic channels with Lef Ti...The seasoned envoy expected no problems with his Chinese counterpart when he said, "Like all towel boys, he'll take a bribe...I'll lowball him until I find his price"...

Shown below, two Hong Kong poofters argue over possession of one of the few clean towels before entering their local bath house...

Thursday, December 4, 2014

PNW Arms releases Signature Series Designated Driver in .300 Blackout...

http://www.ammoland.com/2014/11/pnw-arms-designated-marksman-rifle-in-300-blackout/#axzz3IxSyKCPW

PNW Arms, a subsidiary of Nox Industries, has announced the release (although some sources call it the escape) of an advanced designated driver for inebriated golfers whose blood alcohol content (BAC) measures over the .300 Blackout limit as set by the Poofter Golf Association (PGA)...The new driver joins the already popular Tiger Woods signature model driver which has seen skyrocketing sales among philandering husbands as its foam rubber design has proven harmless if used by angry wives who attempt to beat them senseless...

Also in the works is the AK Gandy signature model which is guaranteed to drive consistently to the left on any course of discussion...And on the designing table is the Le Voyager "Pot Stirrer," built to withstand caustic additives when stirring your home-brewed sour mash, and weighted to avoid the topic when stirring up a debate...

Spokesmodel for PNW Arms, Lefty, was on hand to demonstrate proper grip techniques for lesbian golfers who have been out of practice in grasping a shaft...Sill waiting for approval from the PGA is the Pamela Anderson "Advantage" driver (shown below) designed for topless dancers who have a problem seeing the ball because of their ample cleavage...

Federal Judge Affirms the Freedom to Marry in Arkansas...

http://www.enewspf.com/latest-news/equality/57183-federal-judge-affirms-the-freedom-to-marry-in-arkansas.html

In a re-affirmation of long-standing Arkansas tradition, a federal court today struck down a law preventing marital unions between consenting adults no matter their gender, species, family relation, number of spouses, breathing status or planet of birth, as long as they have reached the age of majority, which in Arkansas is apparently thirteen...

In accordance with the new court guidelines, Father Lefty of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity has announced his latest wedding chapel opening in Kinder Gap, Arkansas just in time for those who wish to take advantage of year-end tax shelters with extra dependents...His close associate and business partner, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., will be happy to discuss his new rates on group divorces in his law office, located conveniently next door to the chapel...

Father Lefty's brother, RHM, who has taken a leave of absence from his position as men's room attendant at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, will operate a branch of his popular men's lingerie boutique selling bridal veils in all common sizes for gays, lesbians, family members and pets regardless of gender assignment...All three businesses will be located in Le Voyager Plaza between the 24 hour liquor store and all-state ID card factory (sold for novelty purposes only)...

All three new businesses have received sanction from the Arkansas Chamber of Commerce subject to bribery checks clearing the local banks, and Father Lefty assures all clients he is prepared to observe all religious customs and rituals, in accordance with federal mandates...Pictured below is a double wedding ceremony between ISIS leaders and their latest virgin brides...


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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Letter to the editor...

Contributor Dan writes, "While I realize you, as Jr. Reporter for the Conroe News Blatt, have to write reporting that sells the newspaper, notwithstanding that most people just use your newspaper as toilet paper, it has come to my attention that some of your reporting on Lefty comes from unreliable sources, including Lefty. As you know, Lefty is very sensitive about what people say about him, most of it too unprintable for pubic reading."

Editor's reply: I take outraged umbrage at your unprovoked attack on my journalistic efforts, my dear sir...As a respected member of the fourth estate, I take great pride in thoroughly vetting each story concerning Lefty...

Although almost any tale told about the miscreant lad is probably true, I always make sure I can find the same facts on at least two WalMart men's room walls before submitting a story for print...

As one Hobby Airport judge put it when asked whether he was worried about the evidence against Lefty being insufficient, "Don't worry about it, even if he didn't do it, he's bound to be guilty of something"...

Reader Dan's rebuttal: "The last time Lefty took umbrage was in his pants, and they were returned as-is from the laundry with a note in them."

Editor's scathing rebuke: That is where the term "yellow journalism" originated...


Sunday, November 30, 2014

Testing update...

http://www.houstonchronicle.com/nasa/adrift/6/

NASA flight medicine correspondent Dan reports: "Orion flight testicles to test NASA's mettle" ... Lefty's cousin Orion Obungo will be flying with his testicles positioned outside his space suit to test NASA's mettle, as well as their mudhole.

Editor's note: Test pilot Lefty originated that test when the government was still buying flightsuit zippers from the lowest bidder...In his research notes he wrote: "It feels so nice out, I think I'll just leave them out"...

Shown below, Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory conducts pressure and ventilation tests on space shuttle stewardess wardrobes...



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Thursday, November 27, 2014

North Korea announces Kim Jong-un's lesbian sister promoted to senior poofter official...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/northkorea/11257451/North-Korea-announces-Kim-Jong-uns-sister-promoted-to-senior-party-official.html

In a game-changing admission to his own addiction to a particular western cuisine which is a favorite of poofters worldwide, North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, has named his own lesbian sister as Commissar of Bath House Nourishment...The similarly named Slim Dong-ugh preferred remaining in the shadow of her poofter brother until making contact with a security guard for nude lesbian oil-wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, during a recent goodwill tour of the orient...

Being a dwarf herself, Slim Dong-ugh found the midget lesbian security guard to be one of the few Americans with whom she could see eye to eye, and the two soon found they shared a common interest in things other than battery-operated "entertainment devices"...The unnamed Hobby Airport deputy soon revealed in her squeaky, annoying voice that she had learned the secret recipe for Taco Bell green chili burritos during an interrogation of a peeping tom suspect near a South Houston Braniff Street mansion...

In exchange for the recipe, she released the suspect on reduced charges of loitering with prurient interests...She later learned that the suspect, an itinerant towel boy, had obtained the recipe from his landlord's computer while repairing his faulty wireless connection...

It is now known that the popular Tex-Mex dish, long a food favorite of western poofters, was branded as contraband by closet homo dictator Kim Jong-un who called it a decadent western product, and banned it on penalty of beheading...But since being introduced to its addictive taste by Chinese poofter envoy, Lef Ti, he relaxed the rules and allowed it in limited quantities in his government-run bath houses...

Slim Dong-ugh then leveraged her newfound knowledge to gain her high-ranking position which allows her full access to all North Korean nudist lesbian spas, and first-pick privileges when new shipments of Duracell batteries arrive in bath house boutiques...However, since the burrito recipe was considered a guarded state secret by US officials, President Obama's Secretary of Gay Affairs is considering charges of espionage against the former Montgomery County deputy...

The deputy's attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., has offered to exchange spuriously obtained golf scorecards from the President's recent golfing holiday, plus other bribery considerations in exchange for dropping the charges...Shown below is the President relieving some gas pressure on the first tee following his Taco Bell luncheon...

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Shopping Black Friday 'deals'? You can do better...

http://www.cnbc.com/id/102213612?trknav=homestack:topnews:8

Consumer poofter advocate Lefty warns, "Watch out where you spend your holiday money, as some deals are no deals at all"...Lefty refers to the many "sales" and "specials" being offered in the Hobby Airport bath house district designed to lure in cash-flush poofters after stuffing themselves with habanero and turkey burritos...

Lefty said that some of the usual CraigsList ads offering two-for-one deals at the local massage parlors actually mean that two fat homos will split the proceeds of your wallet after leaving you with one large lump on your head...According to Lefty, "Don't ask how I know, but one of the lesbian peep shows in this area is just a hole drilled in the ladies toilet wall behind Spec's Liquor Store, and the quarters you feed into the slot go into some smelly old dude's pocket who's trying to pay his past due beer account"...

Lefty advised that instead horny homos should visit one of the established bath houses such as the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, where businessmen like RHM can outfit you in the latest men's lingerie at 50% off his regular prices which were merely doubled for the holiday shopping season...He also said the towel boys will take extra care not to damage your belongings when they pilfer your locker if you will leave some folding money in their tip jars instead of the usual expired Kroger coupons...

Lefty also reminded clients that the locations of some cleverly concealed peepholes in the poofter shower room are available for a small donation for those athletic fans who wish to observe Mazola McLeglock's nude lesbian yoga classes on the other side of the wall...Sales of DVD's of the events will resume as soon as his borrowed video camera is released from evidence on some false accusations of voyeurism-for-profit by Houston's lesbian mayor, Annise Parker...

Shown below is the last image captured by the camera before it was taken into custody in the City Council cloakroom along with its owner, an elderly, eccentric former airline owner, just before his hearing before the City Council concerning a soil permeation bill he received from the city...


Norway Embraces Chinese Cash in Race for Arctic Bath House Riches...

http://www.businessweek.com/news/2014-11-12/norway-embraces-chinese-cash-in-race-for-arctic-energy-riches

In another example of the manipulative skills to which Norwegian poofter fugitive, Ifar Toften, will sink to avoid capture, he has made his bid to cash in on the burgeoning Chinese bath house market...Eager to learn new skills to increase the pleasure of poofter clients, China's Ministry of Laundry has put out feelers to other established bath house markets...

Unfortunately those feelers are attached to towel boy Lef Ti, a favorite of Minister of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung, who oversees China's People's Poofter Collectives...Lef Ti lost sight of the Chinese government's ideological goals after being exposed to international bath house practices by less scrupulous towel boys in the areas of tip jar management and locker room pilferage...

And now Ifar Toften has made contact with Lef Ti concerning China's latest poofter enterprise on the Arctic frontier, and has learned of the potential investment capital from China in developing polar bath houses...He has offered his services and expertise in cold weather homo activities to Lef Ti in exchange for Chinese cash which he needs to finance his further escape from justice...

Lef Ti seemed particularly interested in security techniques when he said, "Stinky old homo on run from law long time, maybe know how to avoid locker room surveillance cameras"...Mr. Toften assured his Chinese counterpart that for the right price, there are no secrets...

As shown below, Mr. Toften has assured the Chinese poofter rep that his long time experiences in frigid gay activities will give a new meaning to the word "snowblower"...