Baffled scientists who previously laughed at his scientific efforts are now turning to Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory as the only man who may have the answers... Dr. Lefty is known to have experienced humiliation as others pointed to him, and holding their noses asked, "What in the heck is happening in Uranus?"...
And now as 7-11 stores in the vicinity of scientific research facilities around the country sell out their inventory of Gas-X and Beano, they all look to Dr. Lefty for the answers...As is well known, scientists, being nerds and geeks, tend to work long hours barely stopping to eat, and when they do stop to dine it is usually fast food from nearby...
In the past several months the Taco Bell Corporation decided to improve its marketing strategy by buying out its competitors near research laboratories, and replacing them with Taco Bell outlets...The result was a huge increase in methane gas production which energy experts see as an advantage, but the producers of the gas have no way to control their output...
Now they come to Dr. Lefty with hat in hand (and Charmin in the other) asking, "Please, tell us how you dealt with the storms in Uranus"...Since Dr. Lefty and his research crew have existed on a strict diet of Taco Bell bean and chili burritos using an almost endless supply of coupons found in a Maersk shipping container, he has become the world's foremost authority on controlling unintended gas production...
Another scientist might have refused to help those who had previously humiliated him, but Dr. Lefty's only interest (besides studying lesbian activity) is in helping mankind, and he has volunteered his expertise in the problem in return for clearing his past-due tab at Spec's Liquor Store...It seems he is unable to wash down his green chili burritos without a steady supply of Hamm's beer, which strangely enough also has the effect of neutralizing the burritos' amino acids which produce much of the methane gas...
Thus a quick passing of the hat among the other researchers solved the problems in the laboratories and allowed work to continue in important fields...We can all improve our own lives if we remember Dr. Lefty's story the next time someone looks at you and asks, "Holy crap! What's going on in Uranus?"...
As shown below, now that the crisis is averted, Dr. Lefty has returned to his studies of colliding moons...
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