Your Homoscope...

As a service to our valued reader(s), we offer this look into the possible future for superstitious poofters from the legendary bath house astrologer, Nostraleftus...Remember as you gaze into the skies in search of enlightenment, keep a hand in your pocket as others may be in search of an easy payday...

Those confused about the signs of the elements should remember: Earth is always caked under the towel boy's fingernails; Water should always be steamy before entering the hot tub; Fire is that which lights your El Producto cigar; and the Air is usually toxic in the locker room...

Capricorn (the goat lover)...December 22 to January 19...

• Those born under this sign are almost always peaceful as they search for contentment in the tranquil fields...Rewarding careers for these may be found in animal husbandry, or religious leadership...

Aquarius (the towel bearer)...January 20 to February 18...

• Aquarian births usually lead to lives of servitude, accompanied by great disappointment for their mothers...They are forever trying to gain a handhold on the step above, and often having their fingers stepped on...

Pisces (the fish smeller)...February 19 to March 20...

• Pisceans have the ability to sniff out the shortcomings of others, and offer a solution to improve their sense of well-being...They often make comfortable livings as men's room attendants and hat check persons...

Aries (the Ramses bearer)...March 21 to April 20...

• Arians tend to take few chances and believe in safety first...But you should never borrow a condom from an Arian, as it may have been in his wallet for decades...

Taurus (the bull shipper)...April 21 to May 21...

• Those born to this sign have the gift of making others believe that bad is good, and good is bad...Many press agents and politicians are Taureans...

Gemini (the twin centerfolds)...May 22 to June 21...

• The most beautiful of the Geminians are almost always bisexual and live in the Playboy Mansion...They should always make retirement plans for age 30, as their only income after that will come from late night infomercials...

Cancer (the crab reliever)...June 22 to July 22...

• Cancerians have the gift of compassion, and many are found in the medical field as STD clinic technicians, and gender reassignment surgeons...Others become patent medicine salespeople...

Leo (the leader)...July 23 to August 22...

• Leos always appear in the front of any crowd leading the way to red-light districts, bath houses, massage parlors and other houses of horizontal refreshment...Their preferred method of payment is cash per head...

Virgo (the lesbian)...August 23 to September 23...

• Female Virgans are invariably lesbian, bi-curious or bi-friendly even if married...Male Virgans may boast of cunnilingual skills, but seldom get invited to the good parties...

Libra (the gambler)...September 24 to October 22...

• Librans are always good with numbers, and have excellent long-term memories...They can calculate the odds of any event in their heads, and their handicapping skills are unsurpassed...They also make good debt collectors...

Scorpio (the indecisive)...October  23 to November 22...

• Many Scorpios become transgendered late in life as they have trouble making up their minds which way they want to go...They are a good source of income for Cancerian sex-change doctors...

Sagittarius (the deceiver)...November 23 to December 21...

• Sagittarians are inveterate liars, incapable of telling the truth even when it is to their advantage...Many make careers of low-level government jobs, and dream of becoming rich in divorce court...Some even lie about their birth sign...