Friday, October 31, 2014

'Stock up on condoms': Campaign ads go for shock value in final blitz...

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2014/10/31/batch-bizarre-political-ads-released-to-sway-last-minute-voters/

As always just before Erection Day, the campaign blitz is on...Political kingmaker (and queenlayer) Lefty urges everyone to "stock up on condoms" for this day of national importance...

Lefty explained, "In some countries, you'll never hear anyone speak of having erections, and in other countries erections are all they talk about...But only in America do we have special days set aside for having erections"...

This is why it is so important to have a sufficient stockpile of condoms...Lefty says that just because we no longer have a pole tax, it doesn't mean free admission to the pants pole dance...Lefty urges all who exercise their right to the pole to wrap it up first...

RHM, who operates his male lingerie boutique within the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, says he has a large selection of all sizes, styles, colors and flavors for his discriminating clientele...RHM states, "My brother Lefty has been known to wrap his pole in Saran Wrap just to exercise his right, but we have a wide variety for all tastes and budgets"...

Lefty says that even those you wouldn't suspect of participating in Erection Day, such as old, reclusive ex-gun dealers or elderly, retired civil engineers, will get out and stand in line with their poles if it's only one day every two years...As Lefty says, "I'd exercise my right at the pole every day if they let me, but I think there's a law against it"...


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Tucson firm aids record free-fall from near space...

http://tucson.com/business/local/tucson-firm-aids-record-free-fall-from-near-space/article_653f6f39-5a8f-545d-963b-f4269d700b80.html

Local business owner and perennial Presidential candidate Phillbo inadvertently helped in the record setting free-fall from space recently...Phillbo, who operates a well known trampoline tuning company, was putting the final touches on a large trampoline at a lesbian nudist camp when the emergency call came in...

A frantic FAA spokesman explained to Phillbo that a privately owned space capsule returning from resupplying the International Poofter Station (IPS), and possibly piloted by a towel boy named Lefty who may have taken along a thermos of Hamm's beer by mistake, had accidentally veered into the flight path of a Google executive making a world record attempt...The resulting course change for the parachutist put his new landing zone in the vicinity of the lesbian nudist camp...

Phillbo responded as a true professional, and calmly readjusted the trampoline tension for maximum allowable tension while positioning it in the coordinates given by the FAA official...Then quickly donning his own wingsuit, he hitched a ride with some Hooters waitresses going airborne for a group skydive...

As the world record jumper approached the landing zone, Phillbo calculated his movements and leaped from the plane, guiding himself toward the parachutist with his wingsuit until he was able to position both of them in the correct trajectory...Phillbo's long experience and quick thinking paid off as they both hit the huge trampoline at the same time, and somersaulted onto two barstools at the resort's outdoor nudist refreshment center just in time for the lesbian bartender to place a cold adult beverage and a fruit smoothie in front of them...

The nude bartender was later kind enough to don a bikini and recreate the scene (shown below) for the cameras...

North Korean Leader Was Sidelined by Sex Change Surgery, South Houston Clinic Says...

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/29/world/asia/north-korea-kim-jong-un-foot-surgery.html?_r=0

A surprise announcement today ended weeks of speculation over the whereabouts of Kim Jong-un, leader of North Korea...Dr. Tchytz, of the Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop, said in a press conference that Kim (who now prefers to be called "Kimmie") is recovering successfully, and undergoing therapy to be able to walk in high heels...

Even "Kimmie's" close friend and advisor, towel boy Lef Ti of the Beijing People's Poofter Collective, was stunned by the announcement...Lef Ti is quoted as saying, "I know fat sissy boy like to wear dress, and always be on bottom, but I not expect this"...

"Kimmie" will make her/his/its debut tonight at a coming out party being held in the Grand Ball Room of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Doorman Big "Tiny" Balsac joked, "I don't know if we can allow Kim in the "ball" room again since he, I mean she, doesn't have them anymore, but we'll make an exception in the interest of international peace"...

Dr. Tchytz assured all followers that the surgery went according to plan, and advance tickets to the coming out party were available from clerk Lefty in the bait shop side of the clinic...Lefty added that he just got in a very small quantity of rare North Korean worm and stinkbait for those late-season sportsmen going after sand sharks...

"Kimmie's" date tonight is said to be long time companion, former NBA star Dennis Rodman who is pictured below in formal wear, and said to be hoping for North Korea to lift restrictions on same-sex marriages...


Monday, October 27, 2014

PoofX Drag Queen capsule splashes down in plywood pool...

http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/10/25/us-space-spacex-station-idUSKCN0IE0J620141025

Once again the technology department of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium has made a successful recovery of its Drag Queen capsule after making a supply delivery to the International Poofter Station (IPS)...Pilot and towel boy Lefty safely guided the Drag Queen to a splashdown in a plywood pool located next door to the famous bath house...

The trip was made to fulfill an emergency request from the "gaystronauts" in the IPS for more bars of Dove soap and fresh towels for the space station's bath house...Pilot Lefty explains, "Those fat homos up there haven't figured out that when you drop a bar of soap in zero gravity, it doesn't fall to the shower room floor...If they'd get their eyes off each other's equipment, they'd see plenty of soap just floating around"...

As originally intended, the project's budget covered building a huge hot tub behind the famous South Houston landmark to provide a landing zone for the capsule, but the funds were inexplicably diverted to pay an anonymous past due bill for Hamm's beer at a nearby Spec's Liquor Store...At that point, Lefty suggested using the unattended plywood pool next to the Braniff Street mansion adjacent to the bath house...

The pool was originally constructed by the mansion's owner, an elderly, eccentric piano-roll museum operator, for his own recreation and the use of his young beauty queen daughter...As Lefty put it, "Every time the smelly old dude's babe of a daughter went to swim, i went over to ensure her safety since I'm a certified hot tub lifeguard"...

Lefty went on to say that the young lady went back inside every time he approached, so he suggested using it for capsule recoveries to prevent the water from becoming stagnant...Lefty added, "The old dude is mostly deaf and blind, so I didn't bother asking him since I'm familiar with his generous nature"...

Pilot Lefty is now in training for his next mission to supply the lesbian occupants of the IPS with more massage oils and replacement batteries for their strap-on "entertainment devices"...This may be an extended trip as Lefty intends to make detailed observations through a peephole he drilled in the lesbians' shower room on his previous journey...

Pictured below is the happy crew after their successful splashdown in the pool...


Sunday, October 26, 2014

Century Old Notebook Found in Antarctic Ice...

http://www.capitalwired.com/century-old-notebook-found-in-antarctic-ice/24740/

The mystery of a century old poofter expedition to the frozen wastes of Antarctica by Robert F. Scott to establish the first bath house on the South Pole may have been solved...A notebook detailing the last actions of the doomed undertaking and Scott's last thoughts before succumbing to the cold has been found in the remains of a hut thought to be an impromptu locker room...

As history tells us, in those waning days of the British Empire, entrepreneurs Scott and his rival Roald Amundsen were in a race to establish the first bath house and poofter entertainment complex in what was believed to be an important, burgeoning business opportunity...Alas, the business venture failed, and Amundsen's group were the only survivors...

Only a single towel boy from Scott's group, taken along mainly because a lesbian masseuse named Nanookie of the South admired him and because his parole officer had let him out of sight, survived to tell his tale...His words and the cryptic notes found in Scott's notebook are all historians have to go on in their efforts to piece together the puzzle...

The towel boy, whose only name was Lefty, was found near a newly built convenience store in South Houston named "7-11" and his explanation was, "Scott told me to find a 7-11 and bring back some beer and ice, but I think he's crazy...That place is loaded with ice"...Deciding not to make the return trip, Lefty found work at a new bath house near what would become a major airport and poofter center, and raised a family to carry on his traditions...

Scott, whose poorly fitting dentures often caused his words to be garbled, wrote in his next to last entry, "Sent Lefty to find supplies at coordinates 7º south and 11º west...Told him be careful for fear of ice"...His final words read, "Where the hell is Lefty?...It's damn cold, and Nanookie is huddled up with the dogs...They won't let me near her"...

Shown below is an artist's concept of what Scott's accommodations may have looked like...


Friday, October 24, 2014

Aviation safety report...

http://www.sfgate.com/news/texas/article/Air-Force-jet-in-Houston-reports-smoke-in-cockpit-5844615.php

Aviation correspondent Dan files this story, "Air Force jet lands in Houston, smoke in cockpit" ... Investigators have now determined the smoke was from Lefty blowing a few Mexican Gold joints in the plane's outhouse. Lefty apparently was sleeping in the baggage, and with the baggage handler, when they loaded the plane. Still unexplained is why Lefty had a shipping label on him saying "Fragile. Do not hump."

And in other transportation news:

No injuries in two-seater outhouse crash north of Fairbanks...

http://www.newsminer.com/news/local_news/no-injuries-in-two-seater-plane-crash-north-of-fairbanks/article_4e44d8da-486d-11e4-89df-001a4bcf6878.html

Test pilot Lefty was said to be attempting to increase passenger capacity in the interest of fuel efficiency...Lefty is, of course, fueled by an exclusive Taco Bell diet...Pictured below, a quick acting news photographer captured the scene moments before the crash...



ISUK Security Official Claims Virgins Separated From Captured Livestock, Given as Award to Fighters...

http://www.christianpost.com/news/isis-security-official-claims-virgins-separated-from-captured-women-given-as-award-to-fighters-128355/

In an obvious taunt directed at US poofters, radical gay Islamic Ayatollah Leph te Rashitch today told interviewers that as a result of the split decision in the sissyweight exhibition fight between the Islamic State United Kingdom (ISUK) champion, Liqit Youssef, and rank contender, RHM, who represents US poofters, all ISUK fighters are now awarded with virgin goats captured from British goat farmers...The Ayatollah said the humiliation suffered by Youssef in the ring was unforgivable as RHM refused to go down for, or on, the ISUK champ...



As reported earlier, the Ayatollah had boasted that no fighter could withstand the jihad punch or lethal breath of Youssef in the ring, especially after he consumed his pre-match ritual lunch of curdled goat cheese and Red Sea sardine sandwiches...But it didn't work that way as RHM's trainer Lefty explained, "Ordinarily Youssef's breath would knock over a Buick, but RHM grew up in my family, so Youssef's breath was nothing more than fresh air to him"...

A rematch is already being touted as neither fighter landed a blow in the ring, although some blows may have been exchanged in the locker room as Youssef was said to have found RHM attractive "for an infidel"...Trainer Lefty said of the possible rematch, "At least when Youssef decides to throw in the towel, he won't have to reach far"...

Lefty also said that RHM has been at the Taco Bell training table every day packing down the calories, and may exceed the 89 pound minimum sissyweight requirement by as much as two or three pounds this time...Meanwhile, Ayatollah Leph te, who also serves as Iranian Minister of Steamrooms, boasts that Youssef has begun a training regimen that includes fighting off the advances of Turkish oil wrestlers (shown below) to toughen him up...

The Turks were said to have a name for Youssef which cannot be spoken by Western tongues, but translates roughly to "the breath of a thousand knobsuckers"...Oddsmakers in Las Vegas are giving even odds that Youssef will apply for a US visa to pursue a new romantic interest, and perhaps change in religion...

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Man arrested after jumping bath house fence, causing leakdown...

http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/10/23/us-usa-whitehouse-lockdown-idUSKCN0IB2SO20141023

In another embarrassing blow to bath house Chief of Security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, another fence jumper has made the news...In a hastily called press conference, Mr. Balsac admitted, "We can't possibly cover every inch of the perimeter barrier when some horny towel boy decides he wants a peak at the lesbos on his lunch break"...

He referred to the privacy fence topped with concertina wire and lined with mine emplacements which separates the lesbians from the poofters at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Balsac explained, "I thought the mines were a good deterrent until some enterprising towel boy copied the emplacement map and sold copies to all the laundry personnel"...

The towel boy he mentioned, whose name was not released but is thought to be long-time employee Lefty, is only one of many who enjoys watching the nudist lesbian yoga classes during his frequent breaks...In this instance, a sharp-eyed part-time midget security guard spotted an eyeball peeping through a freshly drilled hole in the lesbian shower room, and was able to reach up and poke the offender with her PR-24 baton, thereby marking him for identification...

Mr. Balsac praised the quick action by newly hired Deputy Dumpy Bunny on assignment to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police, saying apprehension of the culprit should be quick work now...Balsac explained that although the offender lost his jockey shorts on the concertina wire topping the fence, the resulting leak-down left a clear trail back to the towel boys' locker room...

He further stated that although his highly trained K9 team balked at the idea of tracking the suspect by smell (pictured below), he should be able to easily spot the suspect by the fresh black eye administered by the midget lesbian deputy...Balsac added, "It may be considered torture in some places, but I can get a confession from him in less than a minute if the deputy questions him in that whiny, annoying voice of hers"...

Plans to reform poofter draft lottery fail to pass...

http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/10/22/us-nba-lottery-idUSKCN0IB2L020141022

Reform for the method of recruiting promising towel boys, men's room attendants and hot tub personnel from college bath houses to the professional ranks will now wait for another day...Plans to overhaul the aging system were voted down by the more successful big city bath houses at the expense of small town steamrooms...

Chief towel boy and team coach for the prestigious Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, Lefty, explains, "Let's face it, when some fat homo gets the urge to drop a few soap bars, he doesn't head for some dimestore hot tub parlor in Podunk, he wants some shower room action that only a big city bath house can provide...That's why when a young college towel boy wants to join the pros, he bypasses the minor leagues, and goes straight for the land of the big tip jar"...

Lefty referred to the system whereby the big bath houses can outbid the mom & pop steamrooms with incentives that the smaller operations just can't match...According to Lefty, "A towel boy with a promising career can move straight out of the college ranks into a lifetime of tip jar raiding and locker room pilferage that doesn't even exist in small town steamrooms"...

Senior men's room attendant, RHM, also of the HABH&PE, had a slightly different viewpoint, "I'm not as dependent on tips for a living as Lefty is, since I also own and operate my own male lingerie boutique here, but I think in the long run we'll have to provide a more efficient way to channel the best talent to where it's needed most"...RHM obviously referred to the plan championed by President Obama in his attempt to lure poofter voters...

The President campaigned in favor of a system similar to European countries, and also Red China, where all college bath house personnel are subsidized by the government when impoverished students can't be expected to tip well...The Chinese operate their own People's Poofter Collective in major cities where soliciting a tip is punishable by death, but towel boys are paid a basic living wage...

But experts agree that bath house reform will continue to meet resistance while big city poofters are willing to spend the big bucks for their hot tub frivolities...Pictured below, college age homos and lesbos wait their turn for the communal shower room at a unisex bath house in a small town university...

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Hobby Airport Academic Fraud Went on for Years Amid Lax Oversight, Report Finds...


Allegations have now deepened against the embattled Hobby Airport University of Poofter Sciences (UPS) as new charges have been filed with the school's chairman of the Board of Regents, Dean Lefty...Dean Lefty, in turn, has attempted to shift the blame onto the faculty, security services and even the janitorial staff...

The troubles began last week when a transgendered ex-sailor applied for admission to the school's Institute of Male Lingerie Design using his/her veteran's benefits...The Registrar, Professor RHM, explained that Dean Lefty requires that all benefit checks must be submitted for direct deposit in the school's Faculty Dining Hall Fund, which investigation shows is redirected to Dean Lefty's personal delinquent charge account at Spec's Liquor Store...

Other problems surfaced as state education officials discovered that a course titled Advanced Towel Folding Techniques was actually a revolving group of area winos who do piece-work in a bath house laundry, and are paid in "cents-off" coupons from a local Taco Bell...Lesbian massage therapy students were found to be housed in a corner of a converted shipping container where Dean Lefty makes his home behind the palatial Braniff Street mansion of an elderly, reclusive author...

Further charges were raised when it was revealed that all female students who registered for pole dancing instructions with Sports Director Mazola McLeglock were forced to submit to a daily body cavity strip search by Chief of Campus Security, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a disgraced midget lesbian on temporary assignment to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...In addition President Obama's Office of Sanitary Homos Administration (OSHA) monitored the Hot Tub Temperature Management curriculum, and were appalled to find students were taught to take temperature readings by dipping their appendages in the water without using appropriate safety gear in clear violation of OSHA rules...

As the university prepares for a full-on investigation by lesbian Mayor Parker's Department of Rugmuncher Welfare, Dean Lefty has enlisted the services of famed attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., who recently became available when his parole was approved on his jury-tampering conviction...Mr. Spitt assured Dean Lefty that all extortion and bribery methods that the law allows will be exhausted in his efforts to clear the school's good name...

Pictured below is an advanced chemistry class disposing of a botched fruit fermentation experiment in a sanitary and EPA compliant manner under the direction of the head of the chemistry department, Dr. Le Voyager... 


Mormon splinter religions address mystery surrounding undergarments...

http://www.aol.com/article/2014/10/21/mormons-address-mystery-surrounding-undergarments/20982000/?ncid=webmail16

Part of the shroud of mystery surrounding a splinter group calling themselves the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity, a crackpot offshoot of the Church of Latter Day Saints, was lifted today as their members revealed the secret of their sacred skivvies...The leader of the sect, a shadowy, hooded figure now known as Father X, is said to be a disgraced former minor government official for the State of Utah who was forced into early retirement over a controversy surrounding some counterfeit beer ration cards used to buy Coors beer in Utah's state controlled liquor stores...

After being cast out of the Mormon Church in shame over his contentious forced retirement, Father X wandered the Moab Desert for some time on his antique military motorcycle, followed at a respectful two-pace distance by his first wife, now called Sister Ninja, who was in turn followed by all his other wives on their motorcycles and 4WD vehicles...After some time spent in meditation, Father X felt the calling to build his own temple in the wasteland financed primarily by Sister Ninja's lavish government retirement checks, and sanctioned by the church's Bishop Lefty after receiving a generous tithe on Father X's last remaining VISA card...

The compound now houses not only the temple, where the parishioners hold weekly worship services to St. Britney, but a Ram Truck/Harley Davidson dealership, a Coors distributorship, a Sig Sauer gun shop & shooting range and a Western Sizzler steak house where the devout may enjoy their meals after being blessed by Father X himself for a nominal tip...But the greatest mystery about the group is the unusual sleepwear they are compelled to don before all the wives are tucked into their oversized bed for a "blessing" by Father X...

All are attired in t-shirts adorned with various versions of the Coors beer logo, then after pledging themselves to be faithful only to Father X, he anoints himself internally in a ritual blessing with up to 72 ounces of a golden grain nectar brewed exclusively in a small Colorado valley...All this was revealed today after a visit from Bishop Lefty who was there on an inspection tour, and to collect his percentage of the tithes...

Bishop Lefty also announced he has chosen Father X's compound to celebrate the temple's high holy season, in which they pay special homage to St. Britney...The ceremony will include a "wet holy garment" contest which has mandatory participation by all attractive female followers between the ages of 18 and 30...

Bishop Lefty will bring his own convent of nudist lesbian nuns to the celebration as a special tribute to Father X...Pictured below is one of Father X's wives after putting on her "holy garment"...


Expecting More from Sino-US Poofter Exchange...

http://english.cri.cn/12394/2014/10/02/2361s846352.htm

With the pending cultural exchange between US and Chinese bath houses coming soon, UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty sees great advantages in learning from each other...He explains, "The Chinese have worldwide experience in laundry operations, and we can expect to learn much from them about towel folding, but history tells us their cheap homos are clueless about tipping"...

Ambassador Lefty says the plan is to bring Chinese towel boys and laundry men to established US bath houses, such as the prestigious Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, while sending veteran men's room attendants and lesbian hot tub assistants to their government-run steamrooms such as the Beijing People's Poofter Collective to advance educational understanding between the nations...The ambassador says the Chinese have chosen internationally known towel boy, Lef Ti, to lead their delegation, while the US poofters will send senior men's room attendant RHM, and lesbian nude oil-wrestling champion Mazola McLeglock to head the American homo contingent...

The ambassador added, "I'm sure our towel boys can learn plenty about locker room pilferage from Lef Ti, since he manages to live a flamboyant lifestyle on his 780 Yuan a month allowance, which amounts to enough to buy a stale Chinese chili burrito...And the Chinese can benefit from RHM's vast knowledge of adding that personal touch to the poofters' men's room needs to get that extra bit of loose change in their tip jars"...

The Ambassador also revealed that he will be accompanying Ms. McLeglock as she tries to teach the Chinese lesbians new techniques in making their skin glisten with oil in their nude yoga classes...Ambassador Lefty added, "I'll be there strictly as an observer, although I may manage to get a little hands-on experience for myself; anything to improve international relations"...

US Chief of Bath House Security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, is scheduled to lead a protection detail for the delegation if long-range monitoring of his court-ordered ankle monitor can be worked out between the two governments...Midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny, on assignment to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police, has volunteered to be handcuffed to Mr. Balsac for the duration of the visit to assure his behavior...

Shown below is one of the innovative tip jars expected to be shown by RHM to Chinese bath house employees eager to learn US techniques...

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

STUDY: 30-FOOT-TALL TSUNAMI WAVES HIT HAWAII BATH HOUSE 500 YEARS AGO...

http://www.autoworldnews.com/articles/9693/20141021/study-30-foot-tall-tsunami-waves-hit-hawaii-500-years-ago.htm

As excavation continues at the site of a centuries-old unisex bath house, the spokesman for the group of researchers talked of their latest findings in gay history...Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies announced, "One thing we uncovered is that the capitol's island's name is pronounced 'oh wahoo' because Hawaiian poofters used the phrase as a traditional greeting when they unexpectedly connected with each other in the poorly lit shower rooms"...

The professor then moved to the most newsworthy item, the evidence of a series of tsunami waves originating from a volcano-heated hot tub which inundated some of the smaller bath houses and massage huts lining the beach...Evidence gathered from wood carvings and stone inscriptions from the era indicate that two new maneuvers were introduced at that time which are still with us to this day...

The first was introduced by a playful but careless towel boy named Kahlu'ahmeke'lefti'moiu'mahikimui (which translates roughly to "where's my tip") when a very large poofter bent over to pick up a dropped bar of soap...Legends tell that the poofter named Dinkiwinki (which has no literal translation) weighed roughly 1,000 pineapples and several stalks of bananas, and after retrieving his soap, inadvertently backed into the extended thumb of the towel boy, a move which became known as the "goose"...

The startled poofter then launched himself forward into a huge hot tub in a move that later became known as the "cannonball" creating a tsunami wave which engulfed hundreds of lesbians and poofters downhill from the upscale bath house...Legends, which were verified by the stories handed down from one gay elder to the next, tell that the towel boy tried to proclaim his innocence by saying he was merely picking a dung beetle off the poofter's thong, but the poofter wasn't wearing a thong, and the towel boy was thrown into the volcano, which has emanated an obnoxious odor ever since...

Professor Lefty further stated, "Our research indicates that even in ancient Polynesia, these fat homos didn't know when to back away from the all-you-can-eat luau"...Shown below is a modern day towel boy adjusting the thong tension on a current Hawaiian bath house client before entering the hot tub...


Monday, October 20, 2014

Strong odor leads to massive illegal lobster operation...

http://www.aol.com/article/2014/10/20/strong-odor-leads-to-massive-illegal-lobster-operation/20981029/?ncid=webmail1

Law enforcement officials today are congratulating themselves on breaking an elusive lobster-smuggling ring...Captured in the multi-agency crackdown was professional nude lesbian oil-wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, whose only previous offenses have been her questionable choices in romantic partners...

The incident began as Hobby Airport Poofter Police stopped a suspicious truck on their normal patrol of area bath houses...As the truck came to a stop, officers observed several large lobsters crawl from the cargo bed, mostly dazed and holding their claws in the air, some waving tiny white flags...

The officers were unable to approach the truck due to the overpowering odor, and decided to call for backup from INTERPOOF, the multi-national agency which investigates gay crimes...The officers said they were glad it was Inspector Lefty who responded since he is known to be impervious to most offensive odors, although they said privately they can't get very close to him either...

As Inspector Lefty began his interview of Ms. McLeglock joined by newly-assigned probationary investigator, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, the culprit quickly broke down and confessed...She said she frequently is hired by the smuggler gang to drive the contraband-bearing truck after a vigorous wrestling match due to the fact that wrestling leaves her smelling like an over-loaded tuna boat...

As even Inspector Lefty started feeling nauseous, and had to step outdoors for a breath of fresher air near the Pasadena chemical plants, the questioning was continued by midget, lesbian Deputy Bunny...When he returned, he found Deputy Bunny had elicited a further confession of the names of all McLeglock's accomplices, but the deputy could not immediately explain why her bra and boxer- style panties were hanging on a coatrack while the now-nude Ms. Leglock was wearing her hat, and a strap-on "entertainment device"...

The suspect later claimed she would have confessed to the Lizzie Borden murders just to get away from the deputy's screechy, annoying voice...Since the lobsters were all underage and showed signs of abuse from being exposed to Ms. McLeglock's overpowering fishy stench, PETA was notified and are said to be pursuing their own charges, at a safe distance...

At arraignment, Ms. McLeglock's attorney of record, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., stated he would be calling in his expert witness, famed PNW sport fisherman Nox, although prosecutors are confused because Nox is an authority on crabs, not lobsters...Shown below are the lobster victims being housed in an impromptu compound while awaiting adoption by diners at a nearby Red Lobster Restaurant following a bath of boiling water and melted butter...

Jail guard's fellow nudists turn him in to face child porn charges...

http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Jail-guards-fellow-nudists-turn-him-in-to-face-child-porn-charges-277899401.html

Probationary jail guard at the Hobby Airport Correctional Institution, Lefty, has found himself facing charges of his own after showing pictures to inmates of a newly hired guard before her arrival...It was decided by corrections officials to assign a female guard to team up with Guard Lefty as he patrolled the nudist lesbian wing of the prison complex...

Since it was lesbian Mayor Annise Parker's idea to segregate the nudist lesbian inmates, where she personally keeps watch by remote video, she chose to implement the city's Affirmative Action program in hiring a new guard...Her choice of former Montgomery County Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian, was controversial as most observers agree there is little about her that could be described as "firm"...

Guard Lefty decided to show the deputy's picture to the inmates before her arrival so they would know what to expect, and due to Ms. Bunny's short stature and lack of clothing, they assumed Lefty was showing them child pornography in an attempt to get them aroused...Until the investigation is complete, Guard Lefty has been reassigned to mop duty in the conjugal visitation rooms of the prison's male poofter wing, where he is said to be making many new friends...

In the meantime, Deputy Dumpy Bunny has assumed new duties as the Hobby Airport animal control officer...The deputy spoke in a press conference in her whiny, annoying voice of her new ideas to save taxpayers money by encouraging animal adoption, one of which innovations is shown below...

Japan's trade minister resigns amid scandal, a blow to PM Abe...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/japans-trade-minister-resigns-amid-scandal-a-blow-to-pm-abe/2014/10/19/c13a94cf-c2c5-4f01-bffc-d9aeb0af46a0_story.html

Japan's lesbian Trade Minister, Sukyu Longdime, resigned today amid the flurry of anger caused by the blow given to the government's Poofter Minister (PM) "Abe"...[Editor's note: Japanese poofters are known only by their aliases in Japan, and many choose the names of US Presidents...]

Common practice in Asian diplomatic matters calls for a reciprocal blow to be arranged between the representatives by a trade minister before any serious discussions...Japan's newly appointed lesbo TM was not completely familiar with oriental poofter protocol, and scheduled a two-way blow between the high-ranking PM "Abe" and a low caste Chinese towel boy named Lef Ti...

"Abe" accepted his blow from Lef Ti, but then refused to live up to his end of the trade, calling for a cup of tea instead...The refusal to honor the trade agreement sent shock waves through Asian diplomatic channels all the way to the director of China's Ministry of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung, who holds Lef Ti in high regard...

As angry words quickly escalated to talks of war, "Abe" called on the Secretary of Japan's Navy (with it's high concentration of gays), Rear Admiral "Barack" who immediately backed up "Abe's" position with threats of a strongly worded protest...Military action was quickly averted, however, with the decision by "Abe" to throw TM Longdime under the bus as punishment for arranging the trade...

"Abe" said in a press release, "Dumb lesbo spend time changing oil under bus, maybe learn lesson"...It was learned later that although "Abe" initially thought Lef Ti was cute, he couldn't stomach his unusual odor resulting from his diet of Taco Bell green chili burritos...

As peaceful talks resumed, "Abe" sent a bouquet of Japanese fish tacos to the Chinese embassy as a token of appeasement...Pictured below are "Barack" and "Abe" as they exchange the traditional Japanese poofter greeting before attending to business matters...

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Ancient fish were first to have sex...

http://www.smh.com.au/technology/sci-tech/ancient-fish-were-first-to-have-sex--but-sideways-20141019-118b0y.html

Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has astounded the archaeological world with his latest findings...His team's exploration of an ancient cave system in the wilds of Lezzania turned into real excitement as they realized they were standing in an ancient dentist's office...

Dr. Lefty's research assistant and former attorney/girlfriend, the Cascade Kitchen Counselor, explained, "Each little room had a stone chair with a little spit sink beside it, but until we saw all the drawings of wild game and fish on the walls of the big cave, we couldn't determine their purpose...Then I realized they were the earliest editions of Field & Stream ever known"...

In those days, adult publications were displayed with the family material, and depicted among the mastodon hunting articles were several drawings of prehistoric fish engaged in sex...Professor Lefty added, "Since our studies have not found any earlier indications of recreational sex, we have determined that sexual activity originated in flounders and catfish"...

The professor said that time-and-motion studies revealed that since there were far more female fish than male, lesbian sex was introduced approximately 28 minutes after hetero sex...He then presented evidence of tiny petrified beanbag chairs and Cheeto bags to prove that the few male fish enjoyed witnessing the sight...

Professor Lefty said his research will be continued slightly longer than originally intended when it was realized that the Cascade Kitchen Counselor still had her ankle monitor attached, and she may have unintentionally left her halfway house without the knowledge of her probation officer...Meanwhile, another group of scientists led by chief researcher, Dr. RHM, are exploring a Neanderthal bath house district in neighboring Faggonia, assisted by a group of very friendly and helpful male baboons...

The apes are in fact so helpful, they become aggressive when Dr. RHM attempts to wander away from the group...Pictured below are a group of the very affectionate apes attempting to coax Dr. RHM back down out of a tree he hurriedly decided to climb...



Sweden steps up hunt for 'foreign underwater activity'...

http://www.smh.com.au/world/sweden-steps-up-hunt-for-foreign-underwater-activity-20141019-1189vi.html

Using a clever investigative technique, Swedish police have sprung a trap for international poofter fugitive, Ifar Toften...Norwegian born Toften has been on the run for many years to avoid facing morals charges in his native country, but Sweden has a court date with him also...

Inspector Lefty of INTERPOOF, the multi-national gay crimes investigative agency, explains, "Ifar Toften is wanted for questioning in an ongoing case of smuggling IKEA bedsheets out of Sweden without paying the stiff tariff...They are the preferred bedlinen of homos everywhere, and this knobsucker has financed his flight from justice by smuggling them across international borders"...

Inspector Lefty said he would begin his search by questioning all known blonde, in-shape lesbians between the ages of 18 and 30, thereby eliminating them from suspicion...He went on to explain that his methods may be unorthodox, but he is always thorough...

The tough international detective said the plan went into effect when Swedish Navy sonar picked up unusual underwater activity in the hot tubs frequented by Swedish sailors in military bath houses...Since Mr. Toften is known to have a weakness for playing "submarine" with gay sailors, it was suspected he was at the bottom of this furtive hot tub activity...

Periscopes have now been installed in all Navy hot tubs to monitor unusual activity, and reports will be sent to Inspector Lefty every evening in a diplomatic pouch along with his daily supply of Akvavit...The inspector said his many years of experience as an undercover towel boy will enable him to blend right in at the lesbian bath houses...

He stated that it is too early to predict a quick arrest, but vowed, "I'll find this homo if I have to question every lesbo at every nudist camp in Sweden...Twice"...Inspector Lefty is shown below on security cam footage beginning his cover operation as a hot tub temperature technician in a lesbian spa...

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Denmark Seeks to Ban Bestiality...

http://newswire.net/newsroom/news/00085531-denmark-seeks-to-ban-bestiality.html

In a move certain to raise the ire of liberal activists, Denmark is poised to ban all bestiality activities even within the confines of marriage...One case in particular which promises to be high-profile is that of Norwegian poofter fugitive, Ifar Toften...

Mr. Toften moved from Norway to Denmark not only for its lenient extradition treaties, but because of its relaxed policies concerning his recent marriage to a Danish goat...Adding to the complications is the fact that the goat is linked to its Siamese twin through a common rear leg...

Mr. Toften, speaking though his attorney, Mr. C. N. Spitt, Esq., said the twin to whom he is not married also faces extradition to its native Siam on charges of leash law violations...Mr. Spitt said, "In the interests of justice, the Danish bestiality ban must be struck down until all extradition difficulties can be ironed out...Do any of you reporters happen to have a drink on you?"...

Mr. Toften hopes to solve all the trouble by marrying the other goat also, if he can get a waiver from the Danish court to get around the bigamy statutes...Mr. Spitt explained that although Denmark not only allows, but encourages marriage between genders and/or species, they currently forbid multiple spouses to prevent confusion for the children...

In this matter, Mr. Toften has enlisted the help of a shadowy religious figure known only as "Father X," a former minor government official from Utah who was forced to retire over a scandal concerning counterfeit Coors beer ration cards used at state controlled liquor stores...Father X has since joined the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity, and formed his own sect in the Moab Desert with Sister Britney and his many other wives under the sanction of Bishop Lefty...

Father X has offered to travel to Denmark to perform the ceremony for his expenses and a personal guided tour of all the Danish breweries...Speaking through their translator, an itinerant goat-whisperer known only as Ernest, the siamesed goats, who are in fact brother and sister, have expressed their delight in the upcoming nuptials...

Bidding is underway for video rights to the wedding and subsequent honeymoon...Shown below, the bride is being fitted for his/her wedding trousseau...

Friday, October 17, 2014

HUH faulted for Epoofa failures as Obama taps czar...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/federal_government/ebola-rising-call-for-ban-on-travel-from-w-africa/2014/10/17/cb126664-55b2-11e4-b86d-184ac281388d_story.html

The battle against the dreaded Epoofa virus rages on as blame-shifting and finger pointing continue unabated...Hobby United Homos (HUH), the Hobby Airport area group formed to combat the malady has so far been stymied in its efforts to track down its source...

President Obama, in his quest to lure voters for his third term in office (which would forestall his first term in prison), has pledged his support to find a cure by appointing a "czar" to oversee the research...Dr. Tchytz of the Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop has been assigned this important duty...

Dr. Tchytz spoke at his press conference, "The public must be reassured that this debilitating disease cannot be transmitted through casual contact and it is not airborne...So far all reported cases have been passed from one patient to the other through the trading of gay porn videos downloaded from the internet"...But the doctor says there is a bright ray of hope which has recently surfaced...

Dr. Tchytz explained that a recent cooperative investigation by the Hobby Airport Poofter Police in partnership with the prestigious Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory into a baffling case of local high-speed bandwidth theft has yielded an important clue...It is now believed that the wireless signal from the home of a retired veteran on Braniff Street may have been diverted to the area occupied by a neighborhood piano-roll museum...

The mysterious signal has been backtracked to the Dave Grubb tractor porn website, which is known to have been visited numerous times in the past by the elderly, eccentric recluse who operates the museum and is known to have a weakness for watching skidloader porn videos...Scientific researcher RHM mentioned his findings to Dr. Tchytz over a business luncheon at the local Taco Bell...

Dr. Tchytz explained, "It immediately hit me that the infectious, but harmless tractor porn virus, Massey-Ferguson Syndrome, could have transmutated into Epoofa if anyone had also used the same signal to download lesbian porn"...RHM said he doubts if anyone in the museum has watched lesbian porn since he was attacked by the museum owner's daughter with a baseball bat for even suggesting it...

At this point newly assigned midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny of the Hobby Airport Poofter Police joined the press conference, saying in her squeaky, annoying voice, "Evidence now points to a sleazy, locally employed towel boy named Lefty who occupies a converted shipping container behind the museum...I'm going to track him down for questioning, which shouldn't be too hard since he smells like the men's room door in a Hamm's brewery"...

Dr. Tchytz wrapped up the interview saying that if Lefty proves to have downloaded lesbo porn on the same wireless signal as skidloader porn, then Lefty may indeed be Patient Zero...Even if he is not infected, he could be a carrier, and he warned everyone not to open any email from Lefty until tests can show that Epoofa levels are low enough to be benign...

Shown below is an example of skidloader porn...Warning to readers: Do not download lesbian porn on the same internet connection...


Man allegedly videotaped women in bathhouse shower at State Park...

http://www.oleantimesherald.com/news/cattaraugus_county/article_eff52e4e-5094-11e4-87f1-734aa64e05be.html

The man who allegedly filmed women in a state park shower has offered some conflicting stories to explain his presence in the facility while wearing only mismatched shower clogs and a ball cap reading "Director"...The suspect, who answers only to Lefty, at first claimed he was a park employee who was handing out free towels to the naked ladies...

The towels all turned out to be reported stolen from a nearby Motel 6 maid's laundry cart, but at least were clean...The maid says she saw a strange man in a raincoat lurking near her cart who repeatedly asked her whether she spoke English...The maid said she reported the man to the front desk by phone in one of the empty guest's rooms, and when she returned to her cart, all the fresh towels were missing...

"Lefty" then told police he was a Hollywood scout who was there on a recruiting assignment to find actresses for an upcoming documentary titled "Hot Babes of Hobby Airport Recreation Dept."...The only identification he could produce were some handwritten (and misspelled) business cards which seemed to written on the backs of other business cards which had been reported taken along with some packets of hot sauce from the cashier's desk at a local Taco Bell...

The investigation was turned over to a newly hired part-time park ranger who identified herself as Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian who also took custody of Lefty's recording equipment, which seemed to be an older cell phone which had video capability...Deputy Bunny promised a thorough investigation which she said would include a strip search and body cavity search of the suspect, of whom she seemed to have prior knowledge...

Lefty's only other possession seems to be an empty plastic Hamm's beer six-pack holder which he claimed he was holding for the deposit...Shown below is the initial questioning of suspect Lefty...

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Could Crabzilla, a 50-foot-long crab be real?...

http://www.aol.com/article/2014/10/13/could-crabzilla-a-50-foot-long-crab-be-real/20977414/?ncid=webmail1

Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory, and one of the world's leading authorities on crabs, states that even if the monster crab were an authentic find, it doesn't pose much of a threat until it decides to walk into public restrooms and houses of horizontal refreshment where it can attach itself to unsuspecting patrons...As a longtime observer of crabs, Dr. Lefty says even the ones with legs on both sides rarely grow bigger than a quarter inside the confines of their natural Fruit-of-the-Loom environment...

He also states that they may have beneficial uses, "In my house I rarely see a cockroach or a mouse as the crabs find them to be a delicacy"...The doctor also doubts he'll ever encounter an ocean-living crab as he avoids water at all costs except that which is required to brew medicinal quantities of Hamm's beer...

However, two well-known sport fishermen have decided to try their luck at capturing the giant sea creature for the record books...Famed stalker of woodland prey, Bigolddeerhunter, and retired adventurer and part-time insurance executive, Nox, will team up to net the crustacean in Nox's boat, the SS Happy Hooker, with its all-lesbian crew...

If they are successful, they expect to serve it up with the usual barbeque at an upcoming Bilgerat Festival...Pictured below is Nox showing off his dinghy to his crewmates...