Thursday, April 30, 2015

Reclusive North Korean leader not coming to Moscow for Poofter Day celebrations...

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/reclusive-north-korean-leader-not-coming-to-moscow-for-victory-day-celebrations/article24181861/

Not yet having recovered from the stinging rebuke he received from the international homo community, North Korea's poofter leader, Kim Jong-un, has cancelled his plans to attend Moscow's annual Poofter Day celebration, in which Russian dictator, Vladimir Putin is expected to "come out"...The pouting despot refuses to believe that other homo dictators will not be laughing at him solely because he failed, but also for his sissy appearance and other humiliating aspects of his life...

The veteran envoy, UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty, has been dispatched to Pyongyang with instructions to convince the Asian tyrant that joining the worldwide poofter community would benefit him and his pathetic excuse for a nation...Along with his other credentials, Ambassador Lefty will carry in his diplomatic pouch a still-warm sack of Taco Bell green chili burritos, known to be Kim's favorite...

Another inducement carried by the ambassador are ringside tickets for the special exhibition match scheduled for a limited audience in the Kremlin Wrestling Arena...The nude sumo oil wrestling team, Mister Blister, consisting of Chinese champion Hef Ti and Japanese midget oil wrestler Dinki Winki, will be paired against former nude lesbian oil wrestling champion Mazola McLeglock, and the formidable midget lesbian and former deputy, Dumpy Bunny, in a two out of three fall grudge match...

President Obama, in an effort to improve international poofter alliances, has surrounded Kim's reserved seat with a number of sporting betters who have instructions to make sure Kim places bets on which he can't lose...Hobby Airport oddsmaker, Yugo Leftanescu, is giving 5 to 1 odds that Mr. Obama will even manage to screw this up at US taxpayer expense...

In the meantime, Russian autocrat Vladimir Putin has commissioned a new thong fashioned from Joseph Stalin's personal battle flag carried at the Battle Of Stalingrad against Hitler's homo Nazi hordes, which he will wear at his "coming out" ceremony at the Kremlin People's Poofter Collective...Putin is also said to be keenly interested in the cross-training into the Cuban poofter sport of donkey training being undertaken by wrestler Hef Ti, shown below in the difficult "running tandem mount"...


Hobby Airport survivor forced to drink Coors while trapped in rubble for 82 hours...

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2015/04/29/nepal-quake-survivor-drank-urine-while-trapped-in-rubble-for-82-hours-saved-by/

After three days trapped in the rubble of the collapse of an experimental housing project in the Hobby Airport Bath House District, a lone occupant has been pulled from the debris to tell his tale of survival...Tentatively identified only as "Lefty," the man was first thought by rescuers to be the victim of a new type of chemical terror device until his brother arrived and explained, "No, he always smells like that"...

Events leading up to the nightmarish scene began after an elderly, eccentric Hobby Airport resident was ordered to "get rid" of what he called his priceless collection of Maersk shipping containers...The retired recluse, who is thought to have had CIA connections in the 1960's, then mysteriously obtained approval to convert the containers into a prison halfway house, and a low-rent housing project...

The geriatric recluse, who is said to be a veteran of both world wars and the Vietnam conflict, wanted to prove to scoffers that he "still had it" as an engineer, and did most of the conversion himself, arranging the tall pile of containers with the aid of a pink skidloader...After completing the structure he rented out the lower level as housing to recently released parolees and some other residents of the bath house district, while using the upper units to store surplus antique pianos and a collection of spare parts for a number of Ford vehicles located on the grounds...

At the time of the inevitable collapse, the only occupants were Gristmill Mikey, a halfway house resident, and the local towel boy, Lefty...Mikey had been unable to sleep since being assigned to the unfamiliar quarters, and had added steel bars and reinforced concrete to create a cell-like structure where he felt "more at home"...

Those additions left his unit the only one still structurally sound at the time of the collapse, and he was unhurt...The only things in Lefty's unit were several bags of discarded beer cans which he sells to scrap dealers, plus his Dewalt drill and a powerful Tasco telescope, both of which he is thought to use in his observations of the lesbian culture in a nearby bath house...

He also had an inexplicable number of Motel 6 ashtrays, which may lead Hobby Airport Poofter Police to the solving of several motel burglaries...Authorities believe that Lefty's miraculous survival was due to some of the Coors cans in the bags containing a watery substance which Lefty was forced to drink during his ordeal...

Medical technicians on the scene treated him for Coors exposure, and started an IV of Hamm's beer, an almost undrinkable beverage, but known to provide sustenance to those in the bath house trade...Lefty is expected to recover, although his employer said he would be docked for the hours he missed at his bath house job...

Shown below is an earlier photo of the housing project/halfway house after the aged owner finished the construction, and paid off visiting building inspector, FredK...The senior citizen explained that the structure may have looked slightly off-kilter due to a mysterious optical illusion which affected everyone who observed it...


Monday, April 27, 2015

Petraeus sentenced to 2 years' probation for military leak...

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2015/04/23/petraeus-sentenced-to-2-years-probation-for-military-leak/

Saying, "It coulda been a lot worse," disgraced former US Army general David "Drypockets" Petraeus accepted the plea bargain worked out by his military lawyer, Vice Rear Commodore "Leftie" Leftchester (Ret.) of the Queen's Mounted Royal Horse Marines...Leftchester was summoned from retirement out of his part time employment as a towel boy in a London bath house by the Army's Poofter & Homo Advocate General (PHAG) as special counsel in this unprecedented court martial proceeding...

Having left the Queen's service in disgrace himself, Leftchester was grateful for the chance to improve his standing with the military by being selected for this assignment...The office of the PHAG chose him when it was learned that Tom Cruise was unavailable since he was busy recreating one of his most famous roles in a remake of "A Few Gay Men"...

Charges against Petraeus included taking a leak in a saxophone found during an overnight stay in the White House in the "Clinton Bedroom"...His initial defense was having just arrived from overseas deployment where officers use any handy mess kit or helmet to conduct their personal business, he was momentarily overcome by jet lag in making the admittedly poor decision...

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton recommended leniency, and confessed to doing the same thing in the instrument after finding a stained blue dress in her husband's sock drawer...However, military law is strict concerning this offense, and formal charges were introduced against the former general...

Leftchester's defense strategy was said to be brilliant as his research turned up a precedent from a military tribunal in 1776, in which General Washington was acquitted of standing in a moving boat and taking a leak on one of his rowers while crossing the Delaware...Washington's defense was that it was dark and the ale he had consumed in the riverside house of horizontal refreshment was just running through him...

Petraeus' judges in his own court martial sympathized with this plea, and reduced the charges to unauthorized use of a band instrument, sentencing him to probation and revocation of officer's club privileges for two years...Leftchester hopes his newfound success as a jurist will get him out of the bath house locker room more often...

Pictured below, the famous painting of Washington crossing the Delaware has been replaced in the national archives with this drawing of President Obama crossing the Rio Grande with another boatload of undocumented immigrants...


Sunday, April 26, 2015

Hobby Airport tables street hump policy, reallocates erection funds...

http://www.yourhoustonnews.com/courier/news/willis-tables-street-hump-policy-reallocates-election-funds/article_21d2305e-0b95-5a63-ad6b-2585beaed0ec.html

In an effort to improve traffic flow, the Hobby Airport Bath House District has revised its street humping policy to make better use of the picnic tables provided in front of local fast food outlets such as Taco Bell...BHD Director Dewey Cheatham explained, "In the past, when an individual, couple or group felt the urge to hump, they just did it right there in the street, which led to some traffic slow-downs due to the gawkers and rubberneckers"...

But after noting the number of outdoor picnic tables installed outside Taco Bell restaurants to accommodate the diners who wished to avoid the noxious emissions produced by consumption of their products, Cheatham thought it might be helpful to make better use of them...The BHD commissioned a study of the project with Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory, and after a 50% kickback into Cheatham's own re-election fund, decided the idea had merit...

A plan was drawn up wherein the picnic tables would be annexed into the Extra Territorial Jurisdiction of the BHD, then made available for "entertainment purposes" by the deposit of a party fee into the BHD's slush fund...The expected complaints from the management staffs of the fast-food outlets was smoothed over by allowing them to charge admission to voyeur diners during the noon rush hour...

The new regulations were carefully crafted to ensure strict adherence to Obama administration guidelines to prevent discrimination regardless of poofter preference...Cheatham says he expects no problems that can't be overcome by lining the appropriate pockets with a well placed bribe...

Shown below, an afternoon lesbian street hump enthusiast is almost ready to clear a table for the Wednesday evening dinner crowd on two-for-one chimichanga night...


Kim reveals Kardashians in family therapy over Jenner's transition...

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2015/04/26/kim-reveals-kardashians-in-family-therapy-over-jenner-transition/

In a show of support, as well as a side trip to the lesbian day spa, Kim Kardashian admitted her family is in therapy over the lack of decision from transgendered hatcheck person, Fedora "Butch" Jenner, of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...In her interview she stated, "Why can't the bitch just make up his/her mind?...We have all these hand-me-down clothes to give away if Butch will just choose"...

The celebrity, while still having no comment on why she is a celebrity, referred to Butch's procrastination in selecting which gender to become from the catalog published by Dr. Tchytz's Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop...She added, "I mean, geez, it's not like she can't go pick another one later if he/she doesn't like the results...I do it all the time when I get tired of my butt size"...

Jenner is thought to be bewildered, not having realized the number of choices he/she would face after first applying to Dr. Tchytz for the change, saying, "I thought it would be just a simple column A/column B selection like the Chinese buffet"...Then Butch saw the dazzling array of options and accessories available in the catalog, and said, "I just want to be sure; I don't have the money for weekly surgeries like the Kardashians"...

Kim commented, "Whatever" as she disappeared through the door into Mazola McLeglock's nude lesbian yoga classroom...In the meantime, Butch continues to earmark his/her/its money deposited in the tip jar (pictured below) for the eventual reassignment surgery...


Woman ‘hit boyfriend in the head with baseball bat because she didn’t want to date him anymore’...

http://metro.co.uk/2015/04/15/woman-hit-boyfriend-in-the-head-with-baseball-bat-because-she-didnt-want-to-date-him-anymore-5152363/

In a press release from the office of Dr. Tchytz, Lefty wants his fan base to know he is feeling better and recovering from the mild concussion suffered from the latest rejection of his advances from lesbian powder room attendant, Latrina...After scoring two tickets for the afternoon batting practice at the nudist nun softball camp while cleaning out one of the lockers in the poofter hot tub lounge, Lefty said he was merely wanting to share his good fortune with his co-worker, Latrina...

Latrina stated later that she intended no harm to Lefty, but he accidentally timed his approach with her demonstration of her batting stance, and regrettably walked into the forestroke from her 42 ounce Louisville Slugger...She further said she had been assigned batting coach duty as her penance following confession of her sins to Mother Superior Slinky that same morning...

She regrets the pain caused to Lefty almost as much as the time it will take to get the Brylcreem stain off the Babe Ruth signature on her antique bat...Lefty declined her offer of the loan of her Miami Marlins baseball cap to hide the new, very visible mark on his head...

While waiting for his head to clear (to which possibility Dr.Tchytz declined comment), Lefty commissioned tattoo artist Sidecar Sophie for the inkwork pictured below to cover up the backward "Louisville Slugger" brand now permanently implanted on his head...Sidecar Sophie pronounced it some of her best work since there have been no complaints of misspelling...


Saturday, April 25, 2015

On the hunt for the presidency, Phillbo adopts a 'caveman' diet...

https://ca.news.yahoo.com/hunt-presidency-jeb-bush-adopts-caveman-diet-095358469.html

Noting the recent trend of Republican presidential candidates shifting their diets to the popular "paleo" or "caveman" diet, independent frontrunner Phillbo says that, as usual, they are following in his footsteps...Long known as the most self-reliant candidate on the campaign trail, Phillbo notes that the others are just catching on to methods he has practiced for years...

Always one to combine any useful activities in the cause of efficiency, Phillbo has been identified as a "gatherer" in his travels along the Arizona bike trails, as he collects various fruits, vegetables and roots for his table while getting needed exercise on his custom-made trail bike...Never known as a "hunter," he nonetheless gets ample protein from the wildlife that volunteers for his meals...

The latest example is the number of birds nesting in the trees shading his backyard trampoline which generously provide a steady supply of eggs for his diet...They announce their availability by pecking the heads of his on-site nudist lesbian staff who then use the trampoline to gather enough eggs from the nest for Phillbo's daily omelettes...

One of Phillbo's campaign watchers, Lefty, has noted that candidates Jeb Bush and Rick Perry have begun dining on Taco Bell breakfast burritos made with locally obtained mockingbird eggs...Both candidates removed the mockingbird from the endangered species list of their respective states in their final acts before leaving their governors' offices...

Lefty obtained the evidence from their discarded Taco Bell sacks as they enter the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium on their frequent trips to gain the confidence of poofter voters...Lefty says this is clear indication that their spies are watching and reporting Phillbo's habits as they play a desperate game of catch-up on the road to the White House...

Shown below is a typical breakfast prepared by Phillbo's dietitian, Nurse Paula, garnished with choice peppers from the Wacojoe Jalapeño Nursery, and ham slices smoked by Dave Grubb from a feral hog which volunteered itself in front of his Ford diesel truck...



Friday, April 24, 2015

Brain-to-brain verbal communication in homos achieved for the first time...

Thanks to a tip from famed jurist and science correspondent, Wacojoe, we are able to report the following story:

http://www.cnet.com/news/brain-to-brain-verbal-communication-in-humans-achieved-for-the-first-time/#ftag=CADf328eec

A collaboration between renowned surgeon, Dr. Tchytz of the Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop, and Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory has resulted in direct brain-to-brain contact between bath house towel boys and their poofter clients...Dr. Lefty says he knew all along that the theory was provable because lesbians continually walk up and slap him across the face just for what he was thinking...

Dr. Tchytz expects this new technology to replace drone delivery of fresh towels, Hamm's beer and El Producto cigars once the process is perfected...According to Dr. Lefty, it will also restore that personal touch which was missing with the mechanized deliveries...

When asked to expand about the personal touch, he replied, "For one thing you can't slap a drone on the butt when it picks up your dropped soap without cutting your fingers on those little propellers...And you can't tip a drone, and get thanked for your nickel or quarter"...

However Dr. Tchytz has warned that some thought-reading may not be desirable, and specified that bath house clients should avoid thinking about their locker combinations, or online banking passwords in the presence of some less than scrupulous towel boys...Pictured below is Dr. Tchytz during an early experiment in which his clinic mascot was taught to fetch surgical instruments during a nursing shortage...


The 9 states with the highest poofter taxes...

http://www.cbsnews.com/media/the-9-states-with-the-highest-property-taxes/

With both the East Coast and the West Coast sharing honors for having the states with the highest poofter taxes in America, some analysts have wondered how a large Gulf Coast state such as Texas has managed to survive with no state tax on homo activity...According to Hobby Airport Bath House District Director, Dewey Cheatham, the answer is simple...

"State taxes are not needed in Texas because our State Constitution specifies that individual Bath House Districts (BHD's) will be responsible for local services paid for through local taxation," stated Director Cheatham...He pointed to his own district where every poofter activity carries its own tax, fee, penalty and/or bribe...

As an example, he indicated the towel distribution system in local bath houses where an ad valorem tax is levied each time a towel boy hands a fresh one to a client based on the towel's degree of cleanliness and the cuteness of the towel boy...The towel boys themselves collect their own form of tax for services rendered such as bending over to pick up a client's dropped towel or Dove soap...

Bar service is taxed separately on an ascending scale based on orders from Hamm's beer all the way up to Napoleon brandy served in snifters...Customers ordering Coors generally qualify for public assistance, and may receive an earned credit against any court-ordered breathalyzer tests...

Asked whether the locally-based taxation methods have proven successful, Director Cheatham replied, "Oh yes, my own standard of living is at an all time high due to weekly rake-offs and kickbacks from collections, while complaints have dropped to near zero since protests and criticisms must be filed with the Civil Grievance Division"...He further explained that since the division is now staffed by midget lesbian Dumpy Bunny, complainants don't feel that charges are worth filing if they are forced to listen to her screechy, annoying voice...

In the short video clip below, Cheatham is shown reacting to Ms. Bunny's hiring interview just before okaying her employment on the condition that she never speak to him or come near him again...



New York PG suing tanning salon over ‘deceptive advertising’...

http://nypost.com/2015/04/23/new-york-ag-suing-tanning-salon-over-deceptive-advertising/

The New York Poofter General's first trip south went decidedly south in record time as the powerful politician claims he was the victim of "deceptive advertising"...After disembarking at the executive terminal of Houston's Hobby Airport, PG Gaylord Sagmore was met by a contingent of Bath House District representatives who were present under the BHD's new regulations...

In his later deposition, the PG admitted, "I should have suspected something was happening after I shook hands with all the greeters, and then noticed my Rolex and my shoes were missing"...But not wanting to miss any of his appointments, he walked barefooted through the TSA pat-down area, which he later conceded was thoroughly enjoyable even on the third pass through...

Being told his limo driver was unavoidably detained at a local Jiffy Lube, the PG opted to take the waiting Gayhound Bus Lines ride into the Bath House District to keep to his schedule...He later was quoted as saying, "I should have remembered my momma's warning never to trust a naked bus driver," but he eventually arrived at his first appointment at the tanning salon behind the neighborhood's Spec's Liquor Store...

Interviewed by waiting reporters, he could not immediately explain why his tailored Armani suit had somehow been replaced by an ill-fitting Atlanta Hawks hoodie and an undersized pair of gym shorts during the bus ride...Dodging the questions, he entered the dimly lit tanning salon where he was assured by the smiling oriental hostess that he would be a "new man" after he left...

Exiting the salon an hour later, and having the appearance of a bright red Pillsbury doughboy with his inexplicable puffy skin, he entered a nearby topless bar to find a pay phone to call for a ride...He was heard to say in his New York accent, "I'll bet my day couldn't get any worse," following which, a large hairy man wearing a wedding dress got off the third barstool, and said in a thick East European accent, "I'll take that bet"...

Returning from the men's room to which he was dragged by the hair behind the large man, he asked his aide to pay for his lost wager to the East European who identified himself as Yugo Leftanescu, saying he had somehow misplaced his wallet...He eventually hitched a ride to the airport with a passing bicycle rider, although he was forced to share the banana seat by sitting in front of the obviously amorous towel boy...

Boarding the first flight he could find back to New York, the PG vowed to "sue the panties off" Houston's lesbian mayor for his ill treatment, but later retracted his threat when told he would have to return to the city in order to testify...Mayor Parker issued an apology to the PG, and offered to comp his parking on his next visit, saying she didn't wear panties anyway, and wasn't worried about having them sued off, but offered to send the New York politician one of her outgrown dresses instead...

Pictured below is the Poofter General enjoying a complimentary drink while leaving the tanning salon...



Thursday, April 23, 2015

China shocks world by genetically engineering poofter embryos...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/11558305/China-shocks-world-by-genetically-engineering-human-embryos.html

Honorable Master Lef Ti of the PF Chang Poofter & Laundry Academy has managed to turn the sporting world upside down with his revelation that he can engineer athletes by growing them from poofter embryos...Gathering stem cells taken from a centrally located "stem" on selected bath house clients in the Beijing People's Poofter Collective, Lef Ti has, over a period of time, grown cultures suitable for the popular Asian bath house sport of nude sumo oil wrestling...

Using a growth accelerator developed in his own laboratory/living quarters, Lef Ti grew one specimen from a single cell  grown in a discarded Motel 6 ashtray into the 650 pound behemoth called Hef Ti, who is partnered with the Japanese midget oil wrestler Dinki Winki, as the nude sumo tag team, Mister Blister...Accomplishing this in less than a year, Lef Ti said he enlisted the help of a vacationing lesbian laundry girl from Hong Kong, by injecting the cell into her using his own probe...

The growth accelerator caused the birth of Hef Ti to occur before the laundress ended her vacation, whereupon he was left in a laundry basket together with Lef Ti's laundry and a note from her attorney on Lef Ti's doorstep...The Honorable Master admitted he was unprepared for the foundling's insatiable appetite, especially for the contraband Hamm's beer he had hoarded away...

However, Lef Ti was fortunate enough to find several clandestine games of chance, and after substituting his own dice, was able to win adequately to buy enough Hamm's on the black market until Hef Ti was of adult size, a process that took about six months...Meanwhile Hef Ti was given intense instruction in the martial arts by allowing him to watch the Bruce Lee channel on Beijing cable TV while Lef Ti plied his trade as a towel boy in the poofter collective...

At the age of six months, Hef Ti could pass as a young man, and he gained employment as a hot tub lifeguard (as shown in the photo below) until Lef Ti paired him with Dinki Winki for their first tag team match...Afterwards, the sport of nude sumo oil wrestling was set on its ear, as were all their opponents by using their trademark step-over belly roll to subdue their adversaries...

At this writing, it is unclear whether Lef Ti will remain as their manager, or be sent back to the Hanzhob People's Poofter Collective for more re-education because he failed to get prior approval from the director of China's Ministry of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung, before beginning his experiments...However, the profits from booking their matches and collecting the side bets is said to be financing Director Dung's lavish lifestyle...



New feature for historians and students...

In its never-ending quest to improve the level of service to its valued reader(s), Truckman Publishing announces the latest improvement to LeftyInTheNews...The recently added categories tabs under the main banner may now be more easily accessed with handy links at the bottom of each article leading to more items of the same nature...

All previous articles have been updated with this new feature...Our dedicated, intrepid staff has noted a few messages of concern relating to a lack of news stories during this transition, but we assure the public that we remain as dedicated as ever to exposing the activities of Lefty and his cohorts...

In an exclusive, rarely granted interview, the tireless Truckman said, "Just because these morons don't have anything better to do than read about Lefty doesn't mean I don't have a life either, but don't quote me on that"...Pictured below, Truckman is shown on the veranda of his suite of offices, researching an important news story to ensure accuracy for our valued clientele...



More Editorial Announcements...

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Airbnb Available In Cuba For American Poofters...

http://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/airbnb-now-available-cuba-n334511

A popular service for poofter travelers is now available for Cuban destinations...Airbnb has become famous for its name, meaning it offers "airfare, beer 'n' a blow" for those international and domestic tourists wanting assurance their travel packages will be handled to their satisfaction...

The recent opening of diplomatic exchanges between UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty and the Cuban government has caused relaxation in the tensions between the US and Cuba...President Obama and Cuban dictator Raúl Castro have both expressed a desire to share a hot tub to discuss differences...

Castro's personal laundry boy, Chico Piñata, has agreed to serve as towel boy for the historic meeting...Meanwhile Airbnb has announced the addition of the Hugo Chavez Memorial Poofter Collective in Havana to its travel itinerary...

Although primitive in comparison to free world bath houses, the Havana destination is constantly looking for ways to improve service and attract new poofter partygoers and their money...For example, homo vacationers may enjoy a handrolled Cuban cigar as an alternative to the standard bath house favorite, El Producto... 

Bar service will include the standard Hamm's beer as well as genuine Cuban rum while poofters enjoy performances of the popular Cuban sport of donkey training on closed-circuit television...Airbnb regrets to announce that equivalent service for lesbians is unavailable for Cuban destinations as females are considered suitable only for domestic and entertainment purposes under the Castro regime...

Pictured below is one of the sport donkeys specially bred and trained for the difficult "rocker dismount"...

Monday, April 20, 2015

HABH&PE gas line explodes near Hobby Airport...

http://seekingalpha.com/news/2435426-pg-and-e-gas-line-explodes-near-fresno-injuring-at-least-11

EPA hazmat crews have been dispatched to the scene of a ruptured gas line near the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium where an experimental energy source is being tested...Authorities report that the permits for the gas line to draw the huge amounts of methane gas away from the bath house and the neighboring piano roll museum will be reviewed for any safety violations...

Hobby Airport Bath House District spokesman Dewey Cheatham had this to say, "The amount of gases produced in the men's room and lesbian powder room of the bath house have enormous potential as an alternative energy source"...Cheatham went on to explain that the recent addition of Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters in the lesbian powder room caused a mandatory expansion of the exhaust ventilation system...

The increase in political gas was thought to add to the volatility of the flammable gasses, especially when combined with the copious amounts of incendiary emissions siphoned from the next-door Braniff Street mansion occupied by an elderly, eccentric retiree and his long-suffering daughter...Local towel boy Lefty explained, "I suppose the smelly old dude can't help it with all the bean burritos he packs away, but I don't see how his babe of a daughter puts up with it"...

The gas is being used to power generators at the nearby Harris County Prisoner Farm as an experiment in alternative energy sources...However the mixture may have to be adjusted for volatility to prevent early burnout of the equipment...

Local handyman Gristmill Mikey was asked to examine the damage to the pipeline because his own leather-like skin is almost impervious to damage in case of an explosion...After his inspection and the sounding of the all-clear signal, construction was resumed although several workers are being treated for fart inhalation...

Seen below, an area resident reacts to the odor from the ruptured pipeline...

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Scientists Find No Evidence of Illegal Alien Life in 100,000 Bath House members...

http://www.morningledger.com/scientists-find-no-evidence-of-alien-life-in-100000-galaxies/139375/

Just returned from his extensive nationwide study of poofter bath houses, Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory reports conclusive evidence that undocumented homos are being denied entry to traditional gay recreation facilities...In his report, Dr. Lefty apologizes for the circuitous route through which he traveled, but as always he attempts to avoid jurisdictions where he may still be named on any active warrants...

Even so, states the scientist, analysis of his data shows a startling lack of nonnative names on poofter and lesbian bath house membership rolls, while the list of service personnel in these businesses has a more international flavor...As examples, he cites the Hobby Airport locality of his own research facility, where clients' names are distinctly upper-class American, while lower-echelon workers answer to names more common overseas...

To illustrate his point, lesbian powder room attendant Latrina is a political refugee from the bearded lesbian dictator of the island-nation of Barmaidia...Dr. Lefty said he at first couldn't decipher her turndowns of his requests for a date in her native language, but the slaps in his face are understood worldwide...

He lists Armenia as well represented in the worker ranks with doorman Big "Tiny" Balsac, and massage table operator Tesla D...Dr. Lefty further explained that Tesla D's last name cannot be pronounced by western tongues, and yet her own tongue has earned her unprecedented tips from her lesbian clientele, although she cannot offer proof of her residency being legal...

Valet parking garage attendant, Speedo Hardhatter, who was deported from his South American country of Uragay for attempting to import Brazilian wax jobs for poofters without paying the customs duties, also cannot offer proper documentation when asked...Speedo is suspected of conducting his wax business now in the back seats of autos left in his care by poofters as they frolic in gay abandon in the bath house...

However, Dr. Lefty in his guise as a towel boy, reports that homo bath house clients do not speak with an accent when inquiring what happened to their wallets and watches in the locker rooms where he was left in charge...He also claims that his demands for an investigation by the Obama administration into the obvious racial imbalances are not an attempt to divert investigators away from charges against him for locker pilferage...

Pictured below, Vice President Joe Biden accepts the duty of chairman of the Senate Bath House Racial Unification Committee in the waning days of the Obama administration...

Friday, April 17, 2015

Lesbian political action committee endorses Phillbo...

http://www.windycitymediagroup.com/lgbt/Lesbian-political-action-committee-endorses-Clinton-/51145.html

Hillary Clinton's dubious choice of a toilet stall in the powder room of a lesbian bath house for her campaign headquarters may start to pay off in her race for the Presidency...One of the newer voting blocs in the country, the Bisexual Union of Transgenders Political Action Committee (BUTPAC) has announced their support and endorsement of her campaign...

However, an even larger and potentially more powerful group remains steadfastly behind perennial candidate Phillbo, refusing to even consider another contender...Begun as a grassroots organization in Scottsdale Arizona, "Lesbos Go Phillbo" maintains that the only candidate who truly has a feel for lesbianism, and keeps an active hand in their activities is Phillbo...

Having always considered himself a lesbian of a different anatomy, Phillbo first gained their confidence as a visiting trampoline tuner at the various women-only nudist camps surrounding the Scottsdale area...After opening his one-bedroom home to many otherwise homeless young lesbians, Phillbo further earned their trust by pledging his vast political war chest to a court fight to ensure their rights to practice their beliefs...

BUTPAC chairperson, Fedora "Butch" Jenner, the transgender hatcheck person at the Hobby Airport bath house where Ms. Clinton established her command post, admits it will be a long hard struggle to overcome Phillbo's lead, but hopes to gain the swing vote of the swinger community...Meanwhile lesbian powder room attendant, Latrina, who denied Ms. Clinton her preferred campaign toilet stall continues to wear her "I Go Phillbo" campaign button (while wearing little else) as she goes about her duties...

As shown below, the Phillbo campaign, which carries the ringing endorsement of the powerful and influential Truckman Publishing Group, will continue to wave the same instantly recognizable electioneering banners as in previous contests...


Scientists Explain Why Modern Homos Have Chins...

http://www.sci-news.com/othersciences/anthropology/science-modern-humans-homo-sapiens-chins-02703.html

Working under a grant from the Jay Leno Foundation, Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies took his research on a different trail than the grant intended, and may have stumbled across compelling reasons why poofters developed chins on their faces...The reasons for their large, protruding ears and "love handles" on their sides has always been obvious, but scientists have always puzzled over the function of the chin in modern Homo Pooftus...

Since the professor augments his research funds with employment in the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium as a towel boy, he is able to observe the species in its natural hot tub environment...During these studies, he noted that poofters acting as "catchers" often hang their heads over the hot tub rail as a "pitcher" approaches...

This instinct is thought to be a self defense against drowning as the poofter is able to breathe normally in this position...However, Professor Lefty theorizes that an aggressive "pitcher" could dislodge the "catcher" if their movements became too high-spirited causing the "catcher's" head to sink below the surface...

The professor suggests that early Homo Pooftus grew an appendage which evolved into the modern chin to counteract this happening...Unfortunately, following Professor Lefty's preliminary report, the Jay Leno Foundation revoked his funding preventing his follow-up thesis on the development of noses on lesbians...

However, before his financing was invalidated, Professor Lefty was able to construct the full size model of a prehistoric hot tub depicted below for use in his privately funded unisex laboratory...


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

New Poofter species ‘Dwarf Drag Queens’ discovered...


Professor Lefty of the esteemed Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies recently announced findings from his latest excursion to further the knowledge of poofter sciences...He has long suspected the existence of an unknown species hidden in the undergrowth surrounding modern bath houses, and now offers proof of his theories...

After being sentenced to community service on an unrelated peeping tom matter, the professor was assigned to a landscaping crew working at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium when he heard a rustling in the bushes under the lesbian locker room windows...Remembering the cause of his recent courtroom appearance, he began poking the brush with his rake handle rather than get any closer...

Immediately several hairy chested dwarfs dressed in evening gowns and high heels emerged angry at being disturbed at their activities...After assuring the bantam voyeurs that he meant them no harm, Professor Lefty learned they were midget acrobats on their day off from a traveling circus...

They said they enjoyed dressing as women on their off days, and were trying to learn some makeup techniques from the lipstick lesbians inside the bath house by spying on them in their locker room...Unfortunately the windows were not at their eye level, and they were forced to take turns standing on each other's shoulders to observe...

Professor Lefty was about to loan them his Dewalt cordless drill he carries for making emergency peepholes, when midget lesbian security guard Dumpy Bunny arrived and announced in her screechy, annoying voice that all were under arrest...After producing his institute credentials, Professor Lefty was not detained, but his cordless drill was taken into custody...

Three of the suspects, tentatively identified as Stumpy, Lumpy and Humpy were thought to be relatives of Dumpy, and were released on their own recognizance...The remaining suspect, Drippy, is shown below after being fingered in a line-up of the usual suspects...


Something about Augusta always brings out the best in Lefty...

http://www.mercurynews.com/golf/ci_27894478/after-stormy-night-sun-comes-out-at-augusta

Although it may often be said that there is no best in Lefty, giving the benefit of the doubt, he does seem to excel in particular sports events, most notably the Lesbolympics...Last year's gathering proved his skill at the broad jump as he successfully jumped three broads in one pass, and no one yet has challenged his record in nude leapfrog where he excels in both pitching and catching positions...

Even in the off-season he keeps his hand in the game as coach or mentor to the big names on the leaderboards around the nation, this week concentrating his efforts on improving Tiger Woods' score in the topless bars of Augusta...Meanwhile he continues to work on perfecting his dismount before the freestyle hot tub polo tryouts...

The one event that has eluded him has been, and remains, the triathlon reserved for trisexual athletes...Lefty's application as a "trysexual" in observation of his many tries was denied, and his best efforts remain in the biathlon events...

Shown below the Irish lesbian receiving team prepares for the synchronized muffdiving event...

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Caribbean Poofter Community Invites Obama to Caribbean Circle Summit...

http://www.telesurtv.net/english/news/Caribbean-Community-Invites-Obama-to-Caribbean-Summit-20150410-0036.html

On the heels of his successful hot tub pow-wow with Cuba's poofter dictator, Raúl Castro, President Obama has accepted an invitation to attend a meeting of Caribbean leaders which can only be described as a "power jerk"...Unaccustomed to formal bath house procedures on an international scale, Obama has called on the expertise of UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty to guide him through the protocol...

Lefty has advised the President to step carefully through the meeting, and do nothing to offend the minor participants less equipped to deal from a power stance...Lefty then told Mr. Obama of the delicate line he will be expected to follow in the all-important "Hómo se Nachos" conference, in which the leaders gather in a circle to display their prowess...

Lefty advised the President to avoid showing his full strength unless an obvious challenge arose from another member, and even in this case only produce enough power to show the contender that you can equal his ability...He reminded Obama of former Panamanian ruler Manuel Noriega, who could still be dictator had he not overshot the target and contaminated the queso bowl of his opposite number at a Central American "power circle"...

Obama, eager not to embarrass himself or the other conferees, said he would control his libido by imagining Dick Cheney in an evening gown and high heels if he felt the pressure rising...Ambassador Lefty expressed his regrets at not being able to attend himself, due to the constraints of his ankle monitor, but assured the President that he was "an email away" if any questions arose...

Shown below, one of the expected attendees, the bearded lesbian dictator of the island nation of Barmaidia, proudly shows off her gold tip jar presented by North Korea's Kim Jong-un...

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Obama holds historic hot tub meeting with Cuba's Castro, pledges to 'turn the page'...

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2015/04/11/obama-makes-further-attempts-to-closen-ties-with-cuba-still-undecided-about/

As predicted here first by LeftyInTheNews, the historic hot tub meeting between poofter leaders, Barack Obama and Cuban dictator Raúl Castro, has taken place and both are pleased with the outcome...The event was hosted at Havana's Hugo Chavez Memorial Poofter Collective in the "El Presidente" suite of the famous bath house, once the scene of deal brokering between Mafia members, the Kennedy family and many Caribbean leaders...

As also forecast here, Castro's personal laundry boy, Leftito, served as towel boy for both, bringing fresh towels as needed, picking up dropped soap bars, and ferrying gifts between the two including hand-rolled cigars and marijuana joints in addition to ice-cold Hamm's beer and Cuban rum...Looking on with pride was Cuban exile Chico Piñata who had been working behind the scenes for decades to restore Cuban poofter life to its glory days...

Accompanying first lady Michelle Obama was retired nude lesbian oil wrestling champion Mazola McLeglock together with her midget lesbian bodyguard, former deputy Dumpy Bunny...Ms. McLeglock had expressed interest in gathering information concerning the exciting sport of donkey training, long a favored pastime among well-heeled Cuban poofters, and Mrs. Obama pledged her efforts to bring an exhibition team to the US...

Emerging from the hot tub suite, both presidents acknowledged that the customary exchange of BJ's had taken place, ushering in a new era of international poofter relations...Leftito was said to be very pleased when he heard several loud "clinks" as Obama passed by his tip jar, but was less than thrilled to find nothing but some campaign buttons from the President's last run for office, and some souvenir matchbooks from the Oval Office...

President Obama then made the official invitation to President Castro to visit the White House for a session of "bending over a few pages," a tradition learned from his career in the Senate...Pictured below,
 Leftito adds up his profits from the meeting after returning from the presidential locker room where their pants were stored...



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