"As you know, pubic information on any person is available online for $5.00. Now, in my senior years, I must review all my former associates and determine which ones are still dangerous to the pubic safety; starting with Saggy. Saggy's police record shows his arrest and confinement in the Summit County Jail for aircraft theft, but then boys will be boys., although some go poofter. Then there was Saggy's involvement in pushing over Police Chief Jim Shane's outhouse, but this crime still remains unsolved as to whether Jim Shane was in it; although the laundry report shows his police uniform was self-soiled. Saggy went on to a career with Tinnerman 'Speed-Nuts. However, there was the incident when he was selling 'Saggy Speed-Nuts' too. Saggy Speed-Nuts were peanuts soaked in Viagra, giving the eater a repeater-peter. Saggy also had a second version of Saggy Speed-Nuts with peanuts soaked in Ex-Lax. Unfortunately, the two packages were similar and numerous studs got them mixed up, and when they were all set to have sex they soiled their Fruit-of-the-Looms. Saggy's two associates in the Saggy Speed-Nut business were Buster Snyder and Sam Fritz; both later convicted of humping small farm animals at the Academy barns,. Saggy is now retired in Bunga Raton , Florida, and must wear an ankle bracelet to monitor his movements, which are mostly in his pants. PBS considered making a documentary on Saggy's life as an inspiration to others; however it was more like constipation instead."
Editor's note:
"It's not the ankle bracelet that worries residents of the Boca Raton retirement home where Saggy resides, but rather the Pandora bracelet he wears on his left wrist...Over the years he has added a charm for every bedroom window he had to escape from due to the early arrival home of his date's husband...The bracelet is now so long it has been wound around his arm past his elbow, interfering with his eating his bowl of Cheerios every morning...
The only good thing about this is his left arm is now so heavy, it has begun to grow to the size of his right arm which has been overworked since the day he found his father's stash of erotic literature when he was 13..."
Equal time counterpoint filed by Saggy:
"Apple iPhone, CIA & FBI had all promised me that this personal info WOULD NEVER BE RELEASED! It had to have been leaked----and now we know who THE LEAKER is. This definitely calls out for the help offered to me by my close friends and allies---Mitch Rapp and Jack Reacher. Best to be watching your back.Even your friends, Truckman and Lefty, will be of no avail and if they desire to remain as part of the still breathing Conroe/Hobby Poofter society, it might be best to seek asylum in the closest Walmart lockable pay toilet and have your meals brought in for at least a week."
Shown below, Saggy relaxes on the sun deck at the Boca Raton Retirement Arcade...
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