FOOFA President Seepy Bladder stuns poofter world, saying he will resign...

http://www.latimes.com/sports/sportsnow/la-sp-sepp-blatter-to-resign-20150602-story.html

The poofter sports world met surprise today as their governing body, FOOFA, announced the resignation of its recently re-elected president, Seepy Bladder, in the face of of a new corruption investigation...INTERPOOF, the gay crimes investigative agency, has assigned Inspector Lefty to the case, and he says he will get to the bottom of it if he has to question every lesbian stripper in the area...twice...

After beginning his investigation with his usual canvassing of topless bars in the Hobby Airport vicinity, Inspector Lefty widened his search area by interviewing the coach of the lesbian Olympic team, Mazola McLeglock, who was conducting a training session for the nude leapfrog mixed doubles hopefuls...His investigation was hampered somewhat when he was whacked behind the knees with a nightstick by security guard, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, who observed him peeping through a window in the lesbian shower room of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

He explained to the deputy that he was gathering evidence, then showed her his credentials, zipped back up, and was freed to go with a warning...After receiving information from an anonymous informant, RHM, that Bladder had been observed in the bath house, Inspector Lefty gained entrance to the poofter-only hot tub area...

Not having an accurate description of the Belgian poofter, Seepy Bladder, Inspector Lefty inquired of Hot Tub Temperature Manager, Chico Piñata (here on an exchange towel boy work visa from the Obama Administration), and was told to look for Bladder's trademark yellow-tinged hot tub water...Bladder informed Inspector Lefty that his diplomatic status was still in effect, and he had immunity from any questioning, and from any mandatory tipping in the poofter locker room...

The irritated Inspector was forced to let Bladder go, but before leaving noticed his tubmate, who was wearing a fedora hat pulled down over his eyes, seemed very suspicious...Back at INTERPOOF headquarters, he identified the suspect as Norwegian poofter fugitive, Ifar Toften, from his wanted posters...

At press time, Inspector Lefty was checking the exchange rate between reward dollars and Norwegian standard bribes before applying for a warrant...Shown below in an INTERPOOF surveillance photo, Ifar Toften frolics with two crossdressers in the Obama-mandated transgender hot tub...

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Police detonate pressure cooker outside South Houston Taco Bell...

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-32875263

Tragedy was averted for many residents today as Hobby Airport Poofter Police took quick action on reports of a possible WMD found abandoned in a Taco Bell parking lot...Deputy Dumpy Bunny responded to a report of a strange device found oozing bubbles and emitting a foul vapor left near a '76 AMC Pacer at the Taco Bell near the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

In her approach the device began to rumble and shake, causing her to call in backup from the bomb squad who were across the street investigating the ongoing complaint of offensive odors from the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum...Bomb squad officers quickly diverted to the Taco Bell parking lot as the proprietor of the museum shook his cane at them from his porch...

Seeing a name and phone number etched into the handle of the device, officers called the number and spoke to a woman identifying herself as the mother of Lefty, a well known towel boy at the bath house next door...She said she had loaned her pressure cooker to her son so he could soak his gym socks and thong underwear in a solution of boric acid and vinegar in an attempt to remove a stubborn odor...

Bomb squad officers proceeded to wrap the device, along with a quantity of C-4 explosive in several layers of Kevlar blanket, then remotely exploded it...Damage to the '76 AMC Pacer was said to be undetermined as it didn't seem to look any worse than before...

Deputy Bunny, a midget lesbian, held an after-action press conference standing atop an empty Hamm's Beer Tallboy case, and said the all clear siren will be sounded as soon as EPA responders verify the air quality...She also said Lefty's mom declined the return of her pressure cooker, saying she would rather pick up another one at a garage sale this weekend...

Lefty (shown below), who had thought his laundry would be safe in the parking lot while he walked to a local 7-11 to inquire about their "Free Slurpee" promotion, offered this comment: "Hey man, I asked the chick at 7-11 for a free slurpee, and she hands me this cup of sugary colored ice...What a ripoff!"...

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Inspection report...

In his attempt to renew his towel boy license for the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, the inspector found a cracked button on the trap door of his thong...Noting this on the report, the inspector said potential emissions violations such as this require immediate repair...

In protest, Lefty showed the authorities in writing that he had a 30 day grace period to comply...Citing stricter regulations in the Hobby Airport Bath House District, the inspector confiscated his thong anyway...

At present Lefty is fashioning a new thong from the kitchen curtains taken from his landlord, an elderly eccentric retired Houston City Council advisor who was unavailable for comment after taking his 1997 Mercury Cougar to Jiffy Lube for service...Reaction by the landlord's daughter over her missing curtains was unknown at press time...

Shown below is the new codpiece with which Lefty hopes to obtain his renewed license...

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Saggy Career Update...

Leisure living field correspondent SBA files this report (edited & fumigated for clarity):

"As you know, pubic information on any person is available online for $5.00.  Now, in my senior years, I must review all my former associates and determine which ones are still dangerous to the pubic safety;  starting with Saggy.  Saggy's police record shows his arrest and confinement in the Summit County Jail for aircraft theft, but then boys will be boys., although some go poofter.  Then there was Saggy's involvement in pushing over Police Chief Jim Shane's outhouse, but this crime still remains unsolved as to whether Jim Shane was in it; although the laundry report shows his police uniform was self-soiled. Saggy went on to a career with Tinnerman 'Speed-Nuts. However, there was the incident when he was selling 'Saggy Speed-Nuts' too. Saggy Speed-Nuts were peanuts soaked in Viagra, giving the eater a repeater-peter. Saggy also had a second version of Saggy Speed-Nuts with peanuts soaked in Ex-Lax. Unfortunately, the two packages were similar and numerous studs got them mixed up, and when they were all set to have sex they soiled their Fruit-of-the-Looms.  Saggy's two associates in the Saggy Speed-Nut business were Buster Snyder and Sam Fritz; both later convicted of humping small farm animals at the Academy barns,. Saggy is now retired in Bunga Raton , Florida,  and must wear an ankle bracelet to monitor his movements, which are mostly in his pants.  PBS considered making a documentary on Saggy's life as an inspiration to others; however it was more like constipation instead."

Editor's note:

"It's not the ankle bracelet that worries residents of the Boca Raton retirement home where Saggy resides, but rather the Pandora bracelet he wears on his left wrist...Over the years he has added a charm for every bedroom window he had to escape from due to the early arrival home of his date's husband...The bracelet is now so long it has been wound around his arm past his elbow, interfering with his eating his bowl of Cheerios every morning...
The only good thing about this is his left arm is now so heavy, it has begun to grow to the size of his right arm which has been overworked since the day he found his father's stash of erotic literature when he was 13..."

Equal time counterpoint filed by Saggy:

"Apple iPhone, CIA & FBI had all promised me that this personal info WOULD NEVER BE RELEASED! It had to have been leaked----and now we know who THE LEAKER is. This definitely calls out for the help offered to me by my close friends and allies---Mitch Rapp and Jack Reacher. Best to be watching your back.Even your friends, Truckman and Lefty,  will be of no avail and if they desire to remain as part of the still breathing Conroe/Hobby Poofter society, it might be best to seek asylum in the closest Walmart lockable pay toilet and have your meals brought in for at least a week."

Shown below, Saggy relaxes on the sun deck at the Boca Raton Retirement Arcade...

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Truckman Blamed in Diesel Debacle!

Once again the forces of evil (and stupidity) have tried and failed to besmirch famed publisher and adventurer, Truckman, with the tainted brush of corruption...The foul stench of their ill-conceived and prematurely hatched plans has again smeared only those who plot against justice and righteousness...

In their attempts to achieve the quick and easy path to ill-gained profit, the perpetrators mistakenly put their faith in Lefty, without considering his track record of failure against the renowned champion of the diesel world...As shown in the video evidence below, the bright light of truth sends the cockroaches of ill will scurrying for cover...

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Movie Review...

In the absence of current news concerning Lefty during his annual celebration of Gay Pride month, and his subsequent recovery afterwards, we present the must-see, hit video of the summer parody season, "Dave Grubb Faces Charges"...Ripped from the headlines of a popular political discussion group, it concerns a controversy stemming from claims made by a forum member...

The characters of Cap'n & Mrs. Mike were originally intended as supporting roles, but Cap'n Mike showed such an unexpected range of emotion, and Mrs. Mike played her role as the perfect foil so well, they were both upgraded to star billing...Critics are saying they're the most perfectly matched pair since Tracy and Hepburn...

Get your popcorn early because no viewer will be seated after the opening credits...As always, full screen is your best choice for viewing...

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"Butch" Jenner will be on the cover of July's Vanity Fair magazine...

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2015/05/29/bruce-jenner-lands-july-cover-vanity-fair/?intcmp=features

Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium's hat-check person, Fedora "Butch" Jenner, while still undecided as to which gender in which to change, has agreed to appear on the cover of the July issue of Vanity Fair...Concise decision making has never been a strong point in Butch's family, but he/she decided the time was right to cash in on some of the uptown money to finance a few pricier options in Dr. Tchytz's sex change catalog...

Among the reasons for Butch's indecision in choosing which gender to go with is the extensive option list available at extra cost to enhance life after the "change"...A bewildering number of sexual splinter groups have begun to make demands for recognition in addition to the traditional hetero/homo/bi-sexual choices...

Some trends, such as metro-sexual, poly-sexual and omni-sexual, have been around long enough to become commonplace, but newer groups such as the "retro-sexuals," championed by an elderly, eccentric Hobby Airport area resident are beginning to cloud the issue...

"Retro-sexuals" only want things to go back to the "old days" as voiced by their Braniff Street leader who consented to an interview, "In my day, men were men, women were women, and the goats just stayed on the farm; now get off my porch or I'll sic the dogs on you!"...Butch's transition has also found support among the famed Kardashian family of celebrities who appreciate having an outlet for all their hand-me-down clothes from their various gender changes...

Butch's Vanity Fair cover is only the first among a summer series of covers featuring queens, as illustrated below...

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