Man pleads guilty to britches in Bath House...

http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/national_world/2015/03/14/nwr-0314-g7q10rts4-1.html

In most of the world's poofter bath houses, life goes on with gay abandon, and with much encouragement for individual fashion statements...However, in the cloistered halls of the dignified, upper-crust bath houses of London's sedate Queens Row, deviations from the norm are looked down upon as garish and offensive...

Therefore, when the disgraced Rear Commodore "Leftie" Leftchester (Ret.) of the Royal Horse Marines reported for his shift as towel boy not only intoxicated, but dressed as an American frat boy, the repercussions were swift and severe...Leftchester was only permitted to supplement his retirement stipend with gratuities from bath house clients because of his former service to his Queens, but even that is now in jeopardy...

The Queens Row Bath House & Poofter Emporium requires its towel boys to  be appropriately dressed in a freshly laundered and starched black thong when reporting for duty...They are permitted to display any symbols of military orders they have earned or any coats of arms on a knotted silk rope attached to the rear of the thong...

When Leftchester reported to the towel boys locker room in baggy jeans with his boxer shorts showing and drinking from a can of American beer, he was immediately detained and brought before Poofters Court for arraignment by the Sergeant at Arms...After detoxification, Leftchester told a lurid tale of being coaxed into a pub crawl by a visiting cousin from South Houston on vacation from his own job as a towel boy, and threw himself on the mercy of the court...

Acting prosecutor Sir Neville Clive Flamingwell, dressed for the occasion in a formal black towel complete with a Rob Roy sporran containing his snuff box, pointed out that the membership is so conservative they even bring their butlers to the communal shower room to pick up their dropped soap...However, Flamingwell's lesbian wife testified to Leftchester's years of service to the Queens and their wives, and recommended leniency...

At the conclusion of the hearing after all evidence and bribes had been offered, the tribunal granted probation, and fined Leftchester half of his tip jar proceeds for the following two weeks...Depicted below is one of Leftchester's mug shots prior to being debriefed and arraigned...

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U.N. Poofter Negotiators Reach Compromise, Bare...

http://gawker.com/u-n-climate-negotiators-reach-compromise-barely-1670899242

UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty reports today on an important new compromise agreement reached between the major Security Council members concerning climate control...A major skirmish was narrowly averted as a coalition of members was able to agree on a rotating schedule for seating next to the temperature control in the council's hot tub...

Poofter members from nations located in different climates throughout the world have their own temperature and humidity preferences, which has been a major bone of contention in the hot tubs and steamrooms...Ambassador Lefty, who already serves as liaison to the lesbian pearldiving committee, was disqualified as temperature manager due to unresolved bribe allegations...

Chinese Oil Minister Hu Flung Dung and Iranian Potentate of Steamrooms Leph te Rashitch both abstained from the vote over British Queen's Representative Sir Neville Clive Flamingwell's insistence on bringing his umbrella to the communal shower room...Agreement was finally reached to let Men's Room Council Chairman RHM use his Magic 8-Ball to choose the rotation schedule for the first month of climate control co-chairmen...

Secretary-General Si Yu Moon of Thailand expressed his relief at not having to assign peacekeepers for the refugees housed in the male lingerie boutique operated by Chairman RHM...Shown below, former US Senator Larry Craig, now the senior UN men's room attendant, invites poofters of all creeds and perversion preferences to visit the UN Assembly Men's Room in safety and comfort...

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U.K. to Boost Poofter Presence in Persian Gulf...

http://online.wsj.com/articles/u-k-to-boost-military-presence-in-persian-gulf-1417871589

Noting the proliferation of Islamic homos in Great Britain through their umbrella organization, Islamic State United Kingdom (or ISUK), Prime Minister David Cameron has authorized an increase in British poofter presence in the Middle East...A spokesman for the PM who asked not to be identified said British intelligence indicates the main goal behind the ISUK incursion was to overload British laundries with their traditional garments and the rugs on which they kneel to gain access to worship each other's centers of attention...

After a planning session with prominent members of Great Britain's bath house society, the PM appointed Sir Neville Clive Flamingwell to assemble a team of bath house veterans to enter Middle Eastern tents known to house poofter activity, and ascertain their vulnerable points...Sir Neville immediately enlisted the help of Commodore Leftchester of the Royal Horse Marines (RHM) for his vast knowledge of military homo tactics commonly used in Iranian naval ports...

The now-retired Commodore is said to have spent 20 years as an undercover towel boy in the Tehran bath houses right under the nose of Iranian Ayatollah and Minister of Steamrooms Leph te Rashitch...The Commodore (who prefers the nickname "Leftie" given to him by his barracks admirers) spoke in guarded terms about his experience under Minister Leph te, "The filthy buggerer was so busy getting his member rubbed by all his fawning toadies, he couldn't even smell out the spies in his own laundry room"...

Sir Neville said he expects the hatracks in the cloakrooms of Iranian steamrooms soon to be so crowded with bowler hats and umbrellas, they won't have room for their own keffiyehs...Sir Neville also indicated a possible alliance with nude lesbian oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, who is on an educational tour of lesbian massage parlors in Bahrain teaching the Islamic lesbians how to be nude under their burqas without violating sharia law...

Shown below, Ms. McLeglock's personal bodyguard, midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny, showed off her stealth technique in entering a Bahrainian muslim poofter ceremony...

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Police arrest man over bath tipper truck crash...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2956738/Police-arrest-two-men-suspicion-manslaughter-gross-negligence-Bath-truck-crash.html

Investigation continues in the case of an overturned bath truck brought on by a melee between a mobile towel boy and a travelling hot tub client...The incident began inside an experimental mobile bath house operated by RHM, Intl. which is conducting trial runs servicing an upscale poofter clientele who wish to frolic in a hot tub between their hotels and airports...

The cause of the argument leading to the accident centers on the value of a tip offered to his towel boy by international traveler, Sir Neville Clive Flamingwell, for services rendered in the roving hot tub...The towel boy, later identified as former Rear Commodore Leftchester, disgraced one-time member of the mounted Royal Horse Marines now supplementing his retirement stipend with part-time bath house employment, told Sir Neville his offer of a 10 sucat bill as a tip was unacceptable because he couldn't make the required change for the unusual currency due to lack of an up to date exchange rate chart...

The enraged Sir Neville then accused Leftchester (who prefers the nickname "Leftie") of picking his pocket while he was nude in the hot tub leaving him with only the foreign currency from his prior trip through war-torn Kablamistan...The ensuing melee caused foreign exchange student driver, Big "Tiny" Balsac, to lose control of the van which overturned in front of a gay arts theater where the Royal Poofter Skin Flute Band was performing a rendition of "God Save His Majesty, The Queen"...

In his own defense, Mr. Balsac said he is unfamiliar with driving on the left side of the road, being accustomed to battling other drivers for the center of the one-lane roads in his native Armenia...Due to the international complications arising from the incident, investigation has been turned over to Inspector Lefty of the traffic division of the gay crimes agency INTERPOOF, who vows a just decision after a thorough inspection of all local lesbian nudie bars, and collection of all available evidence and bribes...

Seen below is some of the evidence stored in a secure location for further analysis by Inspector Lefty's crack CSI team...

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