Lack of barley delayed the rise of poofters on Earth...

http://www.sciencecodex.com/lack_of_oxygen_delayed_the_rise_of_animals_on_earth-144660

If new evidence proves acceptable to science, the history of poofters and their culture may have to be re-written...Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has uncovered important new findings at the dig site of an ancient bath house buried under the sands of Egypt...

Prof. Lefty explains, "Barley above all other grains has proven a staple in the diets of poofters in modern times, but was curiously absent in recipes and menus we found carved in stone in the pyramids and temples of Egypt"...The professor went on to say that early barley crops were commandeered by an Egyptian towel boy turned pirate who attempted to corner the market during the dynasty of Pharoah RutenTuten...

It was found that the lowly towel boy, whose name was Igoleft the Lesser, obtained the secret recipe for a golden nectar from a master brewer in a dice game, using dice which for unknown reasons would only roll "sevens"...Igoleft, and his sissy brother Ramses Hannu Menhet (or simply RHM), escaped the Nile Valley and built a brewery in Lower Mesopotamia using purloined barley crops captured with his fleet of Phoenician pirate ships...

Centuries later when the reign of the descendants of Igoleft the Lesser was defeated by an army of ferocious, vengeful lesbians, barley regained its place in the world market, and poofters began to prosper due to their renewed diet...As a sidenote to history, the brew, which was said to be the true nectar of the gods, was passed down from brewer to brewer, and due to poor translations, substitute ingredients and inferior barley crops, became an almost undrinkable beverage known today as Hamm's Beer, oddly a universal favorite drink of towel boys everywhere...

Professor Lefty further states that his findings are open to inspection and interpretation by other scholars of his rank, but he believes he has stumbled upon a major cornerstone in homo history...He and his lesbian research team, headed by Dr. Mazola McLeglock are currently involved in recreating an ancient scroll depicting a series of romantic positions the practice of which may have resulted in the beginning of the chiropractic profession...

Pictured below are the three famed explorers who originally discovered the tomb of Pharaoh RutenTuten, and later in life were said to be cursed with careers as underpaid slapstick comedians in the early film industry...

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Beer exec Hamm ordered to pay ex-wife $1B...

http://thehill.com/policy/energy-environment/223628-oil-exec-hamm-ordered-to-pay-ex-wife-1b

In a stunning setback, the patriarch of the Hamm's Brewing Co. family has been ordered to pay his ex-wife the sum of one billion dollars in a historic divorce settlement...As the scion of the family fortune and guardian of the secret (although distorted by centuries of mishandling) formula for Hamm's beer, Hocker Hamm thought his position was safe until he was thwarted by an unhappy, and unfaithful wife...

To briefly recap family history, Hamm's beer has been a favorite beverage of bath house towel boys and men's room attendants since the first batch was brewed by an escaped Egyptian slave, Igoleft the Lesser...Since those first successful years, its quality slipped to the point where today even the most generous of beer critics refer to it as "rancid swill," and yet it has inexplicably lost none of its popularity in bath house commissaries...

But Hocker Hamm mistakenly became convinced that no misbehavior on his part could ever drive a wedge between himself and his wife, Lickreesha...Becoming convinced that Hocker's frequent overnight bath house visits were more than mere business trips, Lickreesha began a liaison with professional nude oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, and shortly thereafter filed for divorce...

The epic courtroom battle between famed divorce attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. representing Hocker, and the recently reinstated Cascade Kitchen Counselor for Lickreesha, took place before Judge SBA who was recalled to the bench because of his vast experience in divorce cases, mostly his own...After several evidentiary hearings in which Judge SBA considered the bribe offerings from both sides of the courtroom, he decided in favor of Lickreesha on her promise of an antique player piano for the judge's personal collection...

In addition, a complete liquidation of Hocker Hamm's assets was ordered to be administered by the auction house of Lefty & RHM, Ltd...The auctioneers will collect their standard commissions from the sales, less a mandatory kickback to be credited to the judge's Spec's Liquor Store revolving account...

Speaking from the auction house headquarters located in a converted shipping container behind Judge SBA's palatial Braniff Street mansion, auctioneer Lefty responded to questions concerning whether Hamm's beer quality will continue to slip in popularity and quality...Lefty offered this statement, "Well, it still tastes OK if it's cold enough, but the best thing you can say about is, it ain't Coors"...

Pictured below is Judge SBA, still in his courtroom attire, enjoying the new addition to his antique piano collection...

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Complete crossdresser from 2,200 years ago found at Terracotta Poofter site...

http://www.ancient-origins.net/news-history-archaeology/excellently-preserved-crossbow-2200-years-ago-terracotta-020269

The famous site of the Terracotta Army excavation in the Chinese interior has yielded another amazing find...Honorable Master Lef Ti of the PF Chang Laundry & Poofter Academy reports the discovery of an intact terracotta crossdresser in the area of an ancient Chinese bath house believed to be buried for enjoyment by the terracotta army soldiers who guard the burial site...

The site has long been known as the final resting place of the homo Emperor Manchu Dong, who ruled this province of China 2,200 years ago, and was believed responsible for many improvements in Chinese bath house living...For example, he established regular towel service by dedicated towel boys which replaced the practice of rolling in the grass after exiting a communal shower room...

Having a lifelong fascination with dolls, he built an army of terracotta soldiers to guard his tomb, and now it is thought he built a bath house populated by terracotta poofter servant dolls to service his army...The crossdresser is amazingly detailed with low-cut evening gown and matching handbag and high heels...

Master Lef Ti also hopes to link the finding of several earthen bottles of a beer like substance to the ancient brewery site in the Lower Mesopotamia valley where Igoleft the Lesser and his brother began the powerful brewing dynasty which later deteriorated to today's Hamm's beer...Lef Ti seems to find delight that this theory would disprove the conclusions assembled by his American counterpart, Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies...

Master Lef Ti and his research assistant, Rili Huang Min (RHM) on loan from the Hanzhob Peoples' Poofter Collective, are confident this finding will revolutionize bath house history...Pictured below is one of the terracotta soap bars found dropped on the floor of the excavation site's shower room, which Master Lef Ti says bear strong resemblance to the Dove soap bars favored by modern poofters...

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Coors sales miss estimates on lower demand, strong dollar...

http://in.reuters.com/article/2015/05/07/molsoncoors-results-idINL4N0XY4PI20150507

As expected, Coors' decision to "test the waters" in the upscale poofter market has met with stiff resistance as bath house clients continue to show their loyalty to the nearly undrinkable Hamm's product...Industry analyst Lefty explains, "Hey, if these homos want water they don't have to buy it by the can, their hot tubs are full of it"...

Other market watchers point to a hot spot of sales activity in the Moab desert where Coors is used in a ritual blessing by an offshoot of the crackpot religious group, the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity...The leader of the sect, a shadowy entity known only as Father X, is said to anoint himself 12 ounces at a time from 12 to 24 times a day as he worships video images of St. Britney...

The followers of this cult gather to worship daily where each row of beanbag pews is marked by an ATM where the faithful may exchange their dollars for scrip (at a competitive bank rate) which may then be spent at the package store conveniently located in the vestibule...After services, the worshipers pay homage to Father X at the steps of his rectory where they place offerings consisting of kegs and cases of Coors bought at the temple's package store...

When asked his opinion of how Hamm's acquired its unique taste, said to be reminiscent of gargling with stumpwater after chewing on one of Shaq O'Neal's gym socks following a hard practice, Lefty said, "Hey, the best thing you can say about it is, it ain't Coors"...In its original formula brought to Lower Mesopotamia by escaped slave towel boy, Igoleft the Lesser and his sissy brother, it was called the nectar of the gods, but degenerated over the centuries to what is today's Hamm's...

In another part of the country, patrons of upscale east coast bath houses are showing increasing interest in the products of Le Voyager ® Beverage Company...Shown below is one of Le Voyager's trained tracking dogs marking the location of another find in the continuing hunt for the all-natural ingredients in Le Voyager ® Cabbage Cider and Pinecone Wine...

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