As expected, Coors' decision to "test the waters" in the upscale poofter market has met with stiff resistance as bath house clients continue to show their loyalty to the nearly undrinkable Hamm's product...Industry analyst Lefty explains, "Hey, if these homos want water they don't have to buy it by the can, their hot tubs are full of it"...
Other market watchers point to a hot spot of sales activity in the Moab desert where Coors is used in a ritual blessing by an offshoot of the crackpot religious group, the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity...The leader of the sect, a shadowy entity known only as Father X, is said to anoint himself 12 ounces at a time from 12 to 24 times a day as he worships video images of St. Britney...
The followers of this cult gather to worship daily where each row of beanbag pews is marked by an ATM where the faithful may exchange their dollars for scrip (at a competitive bank rate) which may then be spent at the package store conveniently located in the vestibule...After services, the worshipers pay homage to Father X at the steps of his rectory where they place offerings consisting of kegs and cases of Coors bought at the temple's package store...
When asked his opinion of how Hamm's acquired its unique taste, said to be reminiscent of gargling with stumpwater after chewing on one of Shaq O'Neal's gym socks following a hard practice, Lefty said, "Hey, the best thing you can say about it is, it ain't Coors"...In its original formula brought to Lower Mesopotamia by escaped slave towel boy, Igoleft the Lesser and his sissy brother, it was called the nectar of the gods, but degenerated over the centuries to what is today's Hamm's...
In another part of the country, patrons of upscale east coast bath houses are showing increasing interest in the products of Le Voyager ® Beverage Company...Shown below is one of Le Voyager's trained tracking dogs marking the location of another find in the continuing hunt for the all-natural ingredients in Le Voyager ® Cabbage Cider and Pinecone Wine...
Be wary those who blaspheme the liquid gift called COORS that God bestowed upon the world. They shall be relegated to a special place in Hell where the chefs are British and the exotic dancers are Samoan grandmothers. - Father X (aka Utah Bill)
ReplyDeleteAs found in the Book of St. Britney...So it is written, and so it shall be...
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