Inked and irked: Snapple Watch users report tattoo problems...

http://www.itemonline.com/news/local_news/inked-and-irked-apple-watch-users-report-tattoo-problems/article_97575977-e198-5003-bf96-d4457000a3fe.html

Hobby Airport area tattoo artist, Sidecar Sophie, has reported a few problems in her business since switching from Fresca to Snapple...Sophie has always had a large straight male as well as lesbian clientele partially because she performs all her intricate tattoo work in the nude for freedom of movement...

She habitually hangs her wrist watch on her drink bottle, and because her clients enjoy watching her movements, they often ask her for the time, at which moment she usually takes a swallow of refreshment...Since switching to Snapple, the frequent time checks have led to an increased intake of caffeine from the tea-based drink, and consequently her movements have added more involuntary jerking and spasmodic twitching...

As much as the clients enjoy watching her movements, they complain that the quality of her needle-work has suffered...Not being the brightest graduate from tattoo school, her lack of spelling skills have always caused some concern from customers, but the added time spent covering the caffeine-induced errors have resulted in a lack of productivity...

The only thing that seems to calm her down in these moments is the presence of the taciturn local handyman, Gristmill Mikey, with whom she appears to be enamored...Mikey makes regular visits to her shop, and allows her to gather her nerves by practicing her craft on his own skin, which is now impervious to harm...

Sidecar Sophie, like most people upon meeting Mikey for the first time, thought he was wearing biker's garments made from antique, bronzed, copper-riveted cowhide...As it turns out, this is actually his own skin, and the only clothing he ever wears, besides his engineer's boots and tool belt, is the chain-mail loincloth he fashioned from Harley-Davidson drivechain links...

His skin became so hardened over the years from sun exposure and motorcycle spills on pavement, that doctors began to quickly wear out surgical needles in sewing up his various road-rash injuries...One ER physician hit on the idea of using copper rivets in a hydraulic press instead of surgical sutures, and this resulted in the random designs which contribute to his unusual appearance...

Sophie's work on Mikey's skin is actually just pen & ink renderings which wash off in the rain, but give her a chance to spend time with him...The item pictured below is not, as many might think, a belt and buckle, but is actually Gristmill Mikey's own tongue, which might also explain some of Sidecar Sophie's attraction to him...

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Woman ‘hit boyfriend in the head with baseball bat because she didn’t want to date him anymore’...

http://metro.co.uk/2015/04/15/woman-hit-boyfriend-in-the-head-with-baseball-bat-because-she-didnt-want-to-date-him-anymore-5152363/

In a press release from the office of Dr. Tchytz, Lefty wants his fan base to know he is feeling better and recovering from the mild concussion suffered from the latest rejection of his advances from lesbian powder room attendant, Latrina...After scoring two tickets for the afternoon batting practice at the nudist nun softball camp while cleaning out one of the lockers in the poofter hot tub lounge, Lefty said he was merely wanting to share his good fortune with his co-worker, Latrina...

Latrina stated later that she intended no harm to Lefty, but he accidentally timed his approach with her demonstration of her batting stance, and regrettably walked into the forestroke from her 42 ounce Louisville Slugger...She further said she had been assigned batting coach duty as her penance following confession of her sins to Mother Superior Slinky that same morning...

She regrets the pain caused to Lefty almost as much as the time it will take to get the Brylcreem stain off the Babe Ruth signature on her antique bat...Lefty declined her offer of the loan of her Miami Marlins baseball cap to hide the new, very visible mark on his head...

While waiting for his head to clear (to which possibility Dr.Tchytz declined comment), Lefty commissioned tattoo artist Sidecar Sophie for the inkwork pictured below to cover up the backward "Louisville Slugger" brand now permanently implanted on his head...Sidecar Sophie pronounced it some of her best work since there have been no complaints of misspelling...

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Motorcycle wheel stolen in broad daylight returned to rightful owner in HABHD...

https://www.khou.com/article/life/family/motorcycle-stolen-in-1971-returned-to-rightful-owners-in-houston/285-df9f2fbd-6151-4515-912c-949224f629dd 

A recent daylight theft in the Hobby Airport Bath House District was averted by an alert resident who witnessed the theft...Newcomer Puffy Cravinmore, a beautiful, pixie-like traveler who decided to save some time in her motorcycle journey from Central Texas to a Gulf Coast beach where she might obtain a more even winter tan, unknowingly entered the HABHD hoping to save some time...She then made the mistake of stopping at an intersection on Braniff Street near the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, an act which knowledgeable motorists avoid due to the high incidence of theft and solicitation from street peddlers...

Before she had even come to a full stop she was approached by Lefty, a local bath house towel boy who offered her a discount coupon for a massage from Armenian lesbian masseuse, Tesla D...Already repelled by Lefty's body odor, Ms. Cravinmore was reaching into her leather jacket for her can of industrial strength Febreze, when Lefty, who thought she was going for a concealed handgun, suddenly backed away...At this time Ms. Cravinmore put her BMW motorcycle into gear, and attempted to ride away when she discovered she couldn't because her rear wheel was missing...

While she was distracted by Lefty's unwanted attention, she was unaware that the thieves in the Hobby Airport area are so well practiced, as well as brazen, they had placed her BMW on a cinder block and made off with the wheel while the bike was still running...Fortunately for her the incident was witnessed by the laconic yet sharp-eyed neighborhood handyman, Gristmill Mikey, a rehabilitated ex-convict who approached her telling her not to worry...Mikey's calming words took some of her fear away from his scary, unusual appearance...At that moment she realized that his only garments were a tool belt, a loincloth made of Harley-Davidson chain links and steel-toed boots...

What she had first taken for antique, engraved leather clothing was actually Mikey's own skin...She also noticed when he scratched his jawline with a steel screwdriver, sparks flew from it...At this moment she realized this may be the toughest man she ever met...He reassured her that what had happened was a common occurrence in the HABHD, and that he could get her wheel returned to her...After loading the rest of her BMW into his Ford diesel pickup, he drove her to the tattoo parlor of his girlfriend, Sidecar Sophie, when he noticed towel boy Lefty trying to peek into her parlor where he knew she often worked in the nude...

Lefty noticed Ms. Cravinmore before he saw Mikey, and immediately asked her for a date...She explained she was already married to another man and two other women, and wasn't interested...At this time Mikey ejected Lefty from the premises, and told Ms. Cravinmore she would be safe there with Sophie while he recovered her property...Inside she met Sophie who was doing a costly tattoo removal procedure on midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny...Ms. Bunny had earlier been tattooed with an image of gay comedian Ellen Degeneres, but started the removal process when the celebrity refused to take her phone calls, or answer her insistent letters...Still being on duty, the deputy and part-time night watchperson took Ms. Cravinmore's statement on the theft...

Soon Ms. Cravinmore heard the familiar sound of her BMW approaching, and went outside to see Gristmill Mikey riding up on her motorcycle...Mikey explained that he already knew of a gang of motorcycle thieves recruited by newly arrived Sicilian deportee, Carmine "The Hat" Caponescu, who was kicked out of the Italian Mafia for excessive brutality...The gang had been formed from local juvenile detention school dropouts, and were responsible for a spate of motorcycle parts thefts...But they already knew of the formidable reputation of reformed bad boy Mikey, and at his suggestion, they not only reassembled the BMW, but also detailed and polished it, changed the oil, filled the tank with gas and left a letter of apology taped to the bike's windscreen...

Ms. Cravinmore thanked Mikey profusely, and accepted his advice to find another shortcut to the beach next time, or at least avoid slowing down on Braniff Street...

Pictured below is the remainder of Ms. Cravinmore's motorcycle immediately after her brief, but ill-timed stop in the HABHD...

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Poofter leaders approve millions in bath house repairs...

http://www.kake.com/home/headlines/Wichita-leaders-approve-millions-in-road-repairs-295255711.html

The Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium has approved their annual repair budget allocating almost two million dollars for a new conference table and executive chairs for the Board of Directors, and $128.00 for whatever repairs are needed for the members' facilities for 2015...Newly hired handyman, Gristmill Mikey, said he has worked for cheaper bosses in his career and would make do...

The former bad-boy outlaw biker and now-reformed prison parolee accepted as his first assignment the filling in of several freshly drilled peepholes from the towel boys' locker room into the nude lesbian yoga classroom, where it is suspected chief towel boy Lefty was selling peeks at the women...

After filling the holes and taping and floating in less than ten minutes, he said he would return the next day to paint the wall, and suggested hiding the battery to Lefty's cordless Dewalt power drill...Midget lesbian security guard Dumpy Bunny was so impressed she began flirting with the repairman, who took one look and advised her to find a nice gun dealer somewhere and settle down...

Another female admirer was itinerant tattoo artist and leather fetishist Sidecar Sophie, who complimented Mikey on his bronze colored, copper riveted antique leather clothing...As it turned out the clothing was actually Mikey's own skin, and he explained he is so tough he wears out clothing from the inside out...Not having the budget for new clothes every day, his only garment, besides his tool belt and engineer boots, is a chainmail loincloth he fashioned himself from Harley-Davidson drivechain links...

At one time feared as the toughest inmate in any prison, Gristmill Mikey was once crossing the prison exercise yard when he paused to find a match for his freshly rolled Bull Durham cigarette...A newly arrived inmate, wishing to earn a reputation, chose this moment to strike Mikey in the jaw with a 40 pound dumbbell...

The resulting spark when the steel hit his chin ignited the end of Mikey's cigarette, and he thanked the puzzled prisoner for the light and continued his walk...Shown below, Mikey arrives with a date at his home behind a Braniff Street mansion where the reclusive owner converted his priceless shipping container collection into a halfway-house for parolees to accommodate a sudden zoning change...

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HABHD's CPO tells criminals to 'chill' and stop committing crime until after coronavirus...

https://www.theblaze.com/news/houston-mayor-tells-criminals-to-chill

Dewey Cheatham, CPO (Chief Poofter Official) for the Hobby Airport Bath House District released the following statement today regarding the extraordinary measures being recommended during the COVID-19 outbreak:

"We board members of the HABHD are extremely concerned for the welfare of all our citizens regardless of race, national origin or poofter persuasion in this time of national emergency...We urge all those residing or earning a living within the confines of our Bath House District to maintain a six foot distance from each other even though this will mean a few changes in business technique for the tattoo artists, massage therapists, table dancers and pickpockets whose livelihoods depend on close contact with the public...We also request that criminals of all levels, including misdemeanor and felony classifications, cease all criminal activity until our government tells us it's safe to steal again...However all normal bribes and kickbacks to the HABHD Board of Directors will continue to be accepted in cash only through the mail slot in our door if they are sealed in sanitary envelopes..."

Hobby Airport residents were asked for their comments on this pronouncement...Popular bath house towel boy Lefty said, "I don't see any big difference, nobody ever wants to get closer than six feet to me anyway..."

Bookie and oddsmaker Yugo Leftanescu spoke from his barstool office at a local topless bar, "My business is usually conducted by phone until it's time to collect...If there's any problem then I've got a meathook with a six foot handle..."

Newly arrived immigrant Carmine "The Hat" Caponescu said this through his Sicilian interpreter, "Youse people can depend on me ta do my usual best...I can enforce da wishes of da bosses from any distance..."

Recent visitor to the HABHD, Puffy Cravinmore, upon hearing the good news that there might be less crime there than in her home town on the Central Texas plains, got on her BMW motorcycle and did not stop until she was in the company of her protector, Gristmill Mikey, feared by both lawmen and lawbreakers of all ranks...Since she had spent the last of her funds on gasoline for the trip, Mikey arranged for her to stay with his girlfriend, Sidecar Sophie, until she could find a suitable and well armored residence...He also said he would ask around for employment for her...

With more people seeking their entertainment at home, Puffy was pleased to find that her experience and skill in the repair and maintenance of personal pleasure devices both battery-operated and home-wired was in great demand among the lesbians and poofters who were forced to find self-gratification within the confines of their homes...Having minored in compressor repair at the Jodie Foster Vocational Institute in Austin Texas, she is also able to service those clients who favor blow-up lifesize dolls...

Gristmill Mikey's vast network of contacts also enabled her to begin the application process for a position on the housekeeping staff at the vast Truckman Estates in a neighboring county...She was warned that Truckman vets his applicants with utmost care, but she remains hopeful, and said she has already chosen a uniform for the position if she is selected...In the knowledge that she is naïve about the crime situation in the HABHD, animal lover Mikey offered her one of his dogs to stay by her side and also ride on the buddy seat of her motorcycle...

She could see the dog liked her right away, and would be a good companion and protector, but she was concerned about its breed...Confiding this to Mikey, she said she adored it and would take good care of it, but asked what kind of dog it was so she could provide for it...Said Gristmill Mikey, "Well, before I cut off his tail and painted him brown, he used to be an alligator..."

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HA performs world's first penis transplant...

http://mg.co.za/article/2015-03-14-sa-performs-worlds-first-penis-transplant

Always on the cutting edge (so to speak) of groundbreaking medical procedures, Dr. Tchytz of the Hobby Airport Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop has announced the first successful complete penile transplant in history...The unnamed recipient, rumored to be a local towel boy as well as Dr. Tchytz's bait shop manager, is reported to be in stable condition following a brief period of post-surgical missteps...

A spokesman for the clinic reports that visitations for the patient are now limited to family only, with the exception of his sister Slinky who suffers from a rare allergy to clothing...Referred to by the code name "Patient Lefty" to protect his identity, his surgical stitches were mysteriously breaking after visits from personnel from a nearby bath house, including Mazola McLeglock, Latrina and Sidecar Sophie...

The stitch ruptures finally abated completely when his cable TV privileges were reduced to only the Cartoon Network and the Hindu Channel, removing all porn channels...The donor of the transplanted organ is reported to be notorious mountain man "Bearclaw" Longmember, who was receiving a court-ordered lobotomy to reduce his amorous tendencies which were endangering forest creatures near Longmember's wilderness home...

Longmember first made the news in an unfortunate incident on national television, and soon gained the attention of PETA officials who filed suit on behalf of the local moose and grizzly population...At the time of the lobotomy, Dr. Tchytz discovered a direct nerve connection between Longmember's brain and his protuberance, and the decision was made to remove it all as a unit...

"Patient Lefty" was already admitted to the clinic as the result of a friendly bet with unfortunate consequences...A local lesbian oil wrestler had bragged of her ability to tie a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue, and after "Patient Lefty's" challenge, the resulting entanglement in his pants could not be untied even with the help of local girl scout leaders experienced in knots, and the transplant received approval from Obamacare...

Dr. Tchytz preserved the brain tissue and connecting nerve for further study in a conveniently located fleshy sack under the transplanted organ...Mr. Longmember is not expected to notice the missing organ except for some slight confusion during men's room visits, and he will be temporarily housed in the Houston Zoo for observation before being allowed to return to his forest home...

The disfigured tissue removed from "Patient Lefty" will be preserved under an agreement with a local piano-roll museum operator who will display it as a curiosity in the "Other Specimens" wing of his gallery inside a sealed jar of Hamm's beer...

"Patient Lefty" had requested the services of Nurse Paula who declined because she is under contract to presidential candidate Phillbo during his campaign...Instead Obamacare has assigned the visiting nurse pictured below as his attending professional...

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