Man pleads guilty to britches in Bath House...

http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/national_world/2015/03/14/nwr-0314-g7q10rts4-1.html

In most of the world's poofter bath houses, life goes on with gay abandon, and with much encouragement for individual fashion statements...However, in the cloistered halls of the dignified, upper-crust bath houses of London's sedate Queens Row, deviations from the norm are looked down upon as garish and offensive...

Therefore, when the disgraced Rear Commodore "Leftie" Leftchester (Ret.) of the Royal Horse Marines reported for his shift as towel boy not only intoxicated, but dressed as an American frat boy, the repercussions were swift and severe...Leftchester was only permitted to supplement his retirement stipend with gratuities from bath house clients because of his former service to his Queens, but even that is now in jeopardy...

The Queens Row Bath House & Poofter Emporium requires its towel boys to  be appropriately dressed in a freshly laundered and starched black thong when reporting for duty...They are permitted to display any symbols of military orders they have earned or any coats of arms on a knotted silk rope attached to the rear of the thong...

When Leftchester reported to the towel boys locker room in baggy jeans with his boxer shorts showing and drinking from a can of American beer, he was immediately detained and brought before Poofters Court for arraignment by the Sergeant at Arms...After detoxification, Leftchester told a lurid tale of being coaxed into a pub crawl by a visiting cousin from South Houston on vacation from his own job as a towel boy, and threw himself on the mercy of the court...

Acting prosecutor Sir Neville Clive Flamingwell, dressed for the occasion in a formal black towel complete with a Rob Roy sporran containing his snuff box, pointed out that the membership is so conservative they even bring their butlers to the communal shower room to pick up their dropped soap...However, Flamingwell's lesbian wife testified to Leftchester's years of service to the Queens and their wives, and recommended leniency...

At the conclusion of the hearing after all evidence and bribes had been offered, the tribunal granted probation, and fined Leftchester half of his tip jar proceeds for the following two weeks...Depicted below is one of Leftchester's mug shots prior to being debriefed and arraigned...

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Petraeus sentenced to 2 years' probation for military leak...

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2015/04/23/petraeus-sentenced-to-2-years-probation-for-military-leak/

Saying, "It coulda been a lot worse," disgraced former US Army general David "Drypockets" Petraeus accepted the plea bargain worked out by his military lawyer, Vice Rear Commodore "Leftie" Leftchester (Ret.) of the Queen's Mounted Royal Horse Marines...Leftchester was summoned from retirement out of his part time employment as a towel boy in a London bath house by the Army's Poofter & Homo Advocate General (PHAG) as special counsel in this unprecedented court martial proceeding...

Having left the Queen's service in disgrace himself, Leftchester was grateful for the chance to improve his standing with the military by being selected for this assignment...The office of the PHAG chose him when it was learned that Tom Cruise was unavailable since he was busy recreating one of his most famous roles in a remake of "A Few Gay Men"...

Charges against Petraeus included taking a leak in a saxophone found during an overnight stay in the White House in the "Clinton Bedroom"...His initial defense was having just arrived from overseas deployment where officers use any handy mess kit or helmet to conduct their personal business, he was momentarily overcome by jet lag in making the admittedly poor decision...

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton recommended leniency, and confessed to doing the same thing in the instrument after finding a stained blue dress in her husband's sock drawer...However, military law is strict concerning this offense, and formal charges were introduced against the former general...

Leftchester's defense strategy was said to be brilliant as his research turned up a precedent from a military tribunal in 1776, in which General Washington was acquitted of standing in a moving boat and taking a leak on one of his rowers while crossing the Delaware...Washington's defense was that it was dark and the ale he had consumed in the riverside house of horizontal refreshment was just running through him...

Petraeus' judges in his own court martial sympathized with this plea, and reduced the charges to unauthorized use of a band instrument, sentencing him to probation and revocation of officer's club privileges for two years...Leftchester hopes his newfound success as a jurist will get him out of the bath house locker room more often...

Pictured below, the famous painting of Washington crossing the Delaware has been replaced in the national archives with this drawing of President Obama crossing the Rio Grande with another boatload of undocumented immigrants...

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UK erection results: David Cameron pledges a 'poofter Britain'...

http://www.bbc.com/news/election-2015-32659720

Making his victory speech from London's fashionable Queen's Row Bath House & Poofter Emporium, Poofter Minister (PM) Cameron celebrated his hard-fought erection which was thought by some to be "unattainable"...Always the consummate politician, Cameron promised in his campaign he could achieve erection in the company of voting poofters as well as the lesbian constituency...

Since Cameron is thought to be a political ally of US President Obama, the President dispatched UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty to aid in the erection process...In Lefty's statement before his overseas flight, he said, "This Cameron guy is no homo, but I know a thing or two about erections in bath houses"...

At the appointed time, Cameron entered the poofter-filled steamroom behind his bulletproof towel, and drawing a deep breath began the manual of arms...Ambassador Lefty then unveiled the secret teleprompter which he had preloaded with lesbian porn, following which Cameron's interest and libido began to rise, obvious even from behind his towel...

After the unisex referee, RHM, certified it a fair erection, Cameron's opponents immediately called for a re-measurement in protest of the unconventional assistance of the video...However, Cameron had anticipated this by securing the services of newly appointed Poofter Solicitor Leftchester, recently returned from his successful defense at an American military court martial...

Leftchester's standing as a barrister gained new prestige as he referred to the recently discovered first draft of Charlemagne's landmark Magna Carta containing the right to depict lesbian porn on royal tapestries...Leftchester argued "original intent" even though the final version was altered due to a spilled mug of ale on the document by a court towel boy, which made that paragraph unreadable...

The defeated opponents then conceded the erection to Cameron...Shown below is the PM after a disappointing practice session before the arrival of Ambassador Lefty and his teleprompter...

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Police arrest man over bath tipper truck crash...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2956738/Police-arrest-two-men-suspicion-manslaughter-gross-negligence-Bath-truck-crash.html

Investigation continues in the case of an overturned bath truck brought on by a melee between a mobile towel boy and a travelling hot tub client...The incident began inside an experimental mobile bath house operated by RHM, Intl. which is conducting trial runs servicing an upscale poofter clientele who wish to frolic in a hot tub between their hotels and airports...

The cause of the argument leading to the accident centers on the value of a tip offered to his towel boy by international traveler, Sir Neville Clive Flamingwell, for services rendered in the roving hot tub...The towel boy, later identified as former Rear Commodore Leftchester, disgraced one-time member of the mounted Royal Horse Marines now supplementing his retirement stipend with part-time bath house employment, told Sir Neville his offer of a 10 sucat bill as a tip was unacceptable because he couldn't make the required change for the unusual currency due to lack of an up to date exchange rate chart...

The enraged Sir Neville then accused Leftchester (who prefers the nickname "Leftie") of picking his pocket while he was nude in the hot tub leaving him with only the foreign currency from his prior trip through war-torn Kablamistan...The ensuing melee caused foreign exchange student driver, Big "Tiny" Balsac, to lose control of the van which overturned in front of a gay arts theater where the Royal Poofter Skin Flute Band was performing a rendition of "God Save His Majesty, The Queen"...

In his own defense, Mr. Balsac said he is unfamiliar with driving on the left side of the road, being accustomed to battling other drivers for the center of the one-lane roads in his native Armenia...Due to the international complications arising from the incident, investigation has been turned over to Inspector Lefty of the traffic division of the gay crimes agency INTERPOOF, who vows a just decision after a thorough inspection of all local lesbian nudie bars, and collection of all available evidence and bribes...

Seen below is some of the evidence stored in a secure location for further analysis by Inspector Lefty's crack CSI team...

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U.K. to Boost Poofter Presence in Persian Gulf...

http://online.wsj.com/articles/u-k-to-boost-military-presence-in-persian-gulf-1417871589

Noting the proliferation of Islamic homos in Great Britain through their umbrella organization, Islamic State United Kingdom (or ISUK), Prime Minister David Cameron has authorized an increase in British poofter presence in the Middle East...A spokesman for the PM who asked not to be identified said British intelligence indicates the main goal behind the ISUK incursion was to overload British laundries with their traditional garments and the rugs on which they kneel to gain access to worship each other's centers of attention...

After a planning session with prominent members of Great Britain's bath house society, the PM appointed Sir Neville Clive Flamingwell to assemble a team of bath house veterans to enter Middle Eastern tents known to house poofter activity, and ascertain their vulnerable points...Sir Neville immediately enlisted the help of Commodore Leftchester of the Royal Horse Marines (RHM) for his vast knowledge of military homo tactics commonly used in Iranian naval ports...

The now-retired Commodore is said to have spent 20 years as an undercover towel boy in the Tehran bath houses right under the nose of Iranian Ayatollah and Minister of Steamrooms Leph te Rashitch...The Commodore (who prefers the nickname "Leftie" given to him by his barracks admirers) spoke in guarded terms about his experience under Minister Leph te, "The filthy buggerer was so busy getting his member rubbed by all his fawning toadies, he couldn't even smell out the spies in his own laundry room"...

Sir Neville said he expects the hatracks in the cloakrooms of Iranian steamrooms soon to be so crowded with bowler hats and umbrellas, they won't have room for their own keffiyehs...Sir Neville also indicated a possible alliance with nude lesbian oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, who is on an educational tour of lesbian massage parlors in Bahrain teaching the Islamic lesbians how to be nude under their burqas without violating sharia law...

Shown below, Ms. McLeglock's personal bodyguard, midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny, showed off her stealth technique in entering a Bahrainian muslim poofter ceremony...

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