Remains of dating from Ice Age uncovered in Alaska...

http://www.foxnews.com/science/2014/11/12/remains-infants-dating-from-ice-age-uncovered-in-alaska/

Leaving Alaska just ahead of the frigid weather, Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies can now tell us of his latest findings concerning poofter and lesbian dating rituals among early Eskimo cultures...If the Eskimos had been smart enough to leave before they froze to death, they might have been able to tell us themselves...

What the professor and his research team uncovered in the northern wastelands appears to have been the earliest known nudist settlement segregated for gay and lesbian activities...Although the settlement was inhabited by both male and female gays, it was ruled by a fierce red-haired midget lesbian named Nanookie of the North...

Professor Lefty prefaced his remarks with this statement, "This had to be the dumbest bunch of homos in history...They not only started a nudist camp in the middle of an ice age, but they didn't even know they could get warmer by rubbing something other than their noses together"...

The professor went on to describe how they uncovered the remains of the poofter population still frozen in their unheated hot tubs, and yet the bodies of Nanookie and her slave towel boy, Yellocok (who is always pictured on her left in illustrations) were never found...Some legends tell of a similar couple who appeared in the warmer southern lands shortly after the ice age claimed the settlement with no other survivors...

Professor Lefty's research indicates that Nanookie became an undersheriff in a wild, unsettled area where she was overcharged for her swords, shields and battleaxes by a traveling weapons peddler...From that moment she vowed in her shrill, annoying voice that she and her descendants would take vengeance on all weapons dealers by marrying, betraying and abandoning them wherever they found them...

Yellocok, for unknown reasons, kept making left turns in his journey toward warmer lands, and eventually stopped wandering in what became the southeast Texas area where his descendants are said to still practice the family trade of folding towels for poofters...The descendants of both survivors have been known to cross paths from time to time, most notably in the Hobby Airport Bath House District of Houston...

Seen in the video below is what is believed to be a direct descendant of Nanookie carrying on the family law enforcement tradition by conducting a roadside interrogation of a suspect thought to be a distant relative of Yellocok...

More Science & Technology articles...

Viking lesbians colonized new lands, too...

http://www.foxnews.com/science/2014/12/08/viking-women-colonized-new-lands-too/

In a collaborative effort, researchers from the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies (IALS) have joined forces with factfinders in Norway in their quest for knowledge of early poofter history...Taking advantage of a temporary injunction against legal action on the various morals charges against him, Norwegian fugitive and Viking history buff, Ifar Toften, presented his credentials to Professor Lefty of the IALS in a dimly lit closet of a popular Hobby Airport bath house...

The professor then showed Mr. Toften his, after which they both came out of the closet and began to form plans to visit Norway and explore ancient Viking lesbian legends...It has long been thought that a band of renegade Viking lesbians led by a fiery midget named Nanookie of the North raided poofter villages on the west coast of North America in what became the San Francisco area, then worked their way north to the Yukon before retreating from the glaciers of the Ice Age...

Professor Lefty's earlier research was curtailed by a lack of funding, and the sudden discovery of several bench warrants against him by Alaskan authorities which were later dismissed by the personal intervention of former Governor Palin...The Governor acted on Professor Lefty's behalf after a private conference in the Governor's hot tub following a chance meeting in an Alaskan arraignment court where Mrs. Palin had appeared concerning a family difficulty...

An itinerary is currently being worked out whereby the Professor and Mr. Toften can travel together if a route can be found where neither have active warrants from local jurisdictions...The professor predicts successful research into lesbian Viking history as long as Mr. Toften's funding is available...

The professor said in a press conference, "If this homo's tip money holds out, I'll do research in every lesbo strip bar in Norway"...Pictured below is the type of environment Professor Lefty hopes to uncover...

More Science & Technology articles...

Obama reportedly snubs NAPA chief as Russia makes new threats against allies...

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2015/03/25/obama-reportedly-snubs-nato-chief-as-russia-makes-new-threats-against-allies/

Reports coming out of Washington today indicate that President Obama abruptly cancelled a scheduled meeting with the North American Poofter Alliance (NAPA) leader, to instead entertain Russia's latest bath house envoy, known only by the single name, Leftovsky...Showing his Russian heritage, Leftovsky immediately began complaining about the temperature of the oval hot tub in the Executive Office, and even snubbed the premium Russian vodka he was offered saying he wanted to sample a beverage he had heard of called Hamm's beer...

Acquiescing to his demands, President Obama sent a Secret Service agent out for a sixer of Hamm's and some fresh towels while attempting to sweet talk Leftovsky...Leftovsky began boasting that the hot tub was a Russian invention dating back to the time when the legendary Nanookie of the North, a fierce, red-haired midget lesbian, ruled the frozen wastelands of Siberia served by her slave towel boy Yellocok, who is always pictured on her left...

Leftovsky then became enraged when the President tried to steer the conversation towards Putin's ambitions in the Ukraine...Without further explanation, the Russian stalked out of the meeting naked handing his wet towel to Michelle Obama whom he mistook for a lesbian serving wench...

Leftovsky was later found in the newly-named Clinton Bedroom smoking one of the El Producto cigars he found in a dresser drawer under a discarded blue dress...The cigar seemed to have a calming effect on him, and it was agreed to restart the meeting the following day after his massage by two of the President's lesbian interns...

Seen below are the hand-rolled Russian "Molotov" cigars Leftovsky brought to Obama as a gift from Putin...

More Politics articles...

More World News articles...

Hobby Airport Completes DNA Records for Entire District...

http://www.newsweek.com/iceland-completes-dna-records-entire-nation-317007

Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has announced the completion of DNA mapping of the entire Hobby Airport bath house district...Although many critics expected the map to resemble a straight line from the beginning of time until today (much like Professor Lefty's own family tree with no branches), some surprising facts have developed...

As an example, the study looks at a former deputy and now bath house security guard whose lineage was traced back to the legendary Nanookie of the North, a fierce red-haired midget lesbian with a shrill, annoying voice whose main joy was found in making life miserable for every weapons merchant that crossed her path...The same genetic code found in Nanookie's remains is present in the security guard and her progeny...

The familiar double helix which represents DNA is a puzzle itself, since it seems to be wound in the opposite direction in poofters when compared to heterosexuals...The helix in transgendered Hobby Airport citizens seems to wind back on itself like a mobius strip...

Professor Lefty's own DNA more resembles a ladder, indicating it could go either way...The Professor says his results warrant further study, and has asked the Obama administration for additional funding which he promises won't be spent in liquor stores and topless bars this time...

He wants to concentrate his study on what he describes as an anomaly in his research...His comparison of the DNA of an elderly, eccentric retired civil engineer with that taken from ancient beer bottles and tools linked to his family shows it to be identical, indicating that it all came from the same person...

The professor said the evidence was extracted from what was first thought to be a landfill, but is now believed to be the layered remains of the retiree's ancestral home...When asked how the same person could have lived all those centuries, the professor answered, "I dunno, the smelly old dude looks like he could be that old, but maybe I shoulda changed my calculator batteries before I added it all up"...

Depicted below is an artist's conception of a lesbian dance party in the prehistoric Hobby Airport era...

More Science & Technology articles...

More Local News articles...