Is Wearable Technology Wearing Itself Out With Google Pants?...

http://clapway.com/2015/05/31/is-wearable-technology-wearing-itself-out-with-google-pants-123/

Wearable technology is nothing new to towel boy Lefty, whose most well known example is the self-winding Timex he wears on his male member, theorizing that wearing it where the greatest motion is will assure accurate time...But Lefty says the line must be drawn somewhere as our clothing is beginning to infringe on our rights...

Lefty and the many other Hobby Airport area residents have embraced the new technology up to now, as many found the Google Glasses to be the answer to their voyeuristic tendencies, even convincing Lefty to put away the "x-ray specs" he bought through an ad in DC comics...The Google Hat, allowing the wearer to read the mind of any young lady he talks to, had mixed results for Lefty as it only worked on women whose IQ did not exceed his, clearly limiting his success...

Lefty did better with his Google Shoes whose tiny cameras interfaced with his Google Glasses, allowing him new views in studying anatomy on crowded elevators and escalators...The limits seemed to be reached however, with the announcement of Google Pants which, although having the advantage of a built-in front potato pouch, rear activated charcoal vapor filters and a "check underwear" light, they also sound an audible alarm when the wearer approaches the limits of any court-ordered restraining documents...

In Lefty's case, the only place he could go besides his rented shipping container home, was his mom's house to pick up his laundry, and his probation officer...With these restrictions, Lefty stopped wearing his pants in clear violation of his contractual obligations as a Google spokesmodel...

However, he found an unlikely ally in his landlord, an elderly, eccentric veteran of both world wars who often forgets to wear his own pants when venturing outside his own home...The veteran's long-suffering daughter, accustomed to bringing him his pants when called by security personnel at Home Depot, the VA Clinic or the C&D Burger Shoppe, says the new alliance of Google Pants Droppers may help draw attention away from her father, allowing her some much needed rest...

Shown below, Lefty and a friend await an opening in the crowded men's room of the Hobby Airport Courthouse...

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No Knockout in Poofter Presidential Debate as Erection Nears...

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2015-05-21/polish-challenger-duda-carries-last-debate-before-president-vote

With the 2016 Presidential election still 18 months away, candidates representing all walks of life are already jockeying for position in the overcrowded field...The LGBTU (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Undecided) contingent is definitely one of the fastest growing, and most vocal of the special interest voting blocs...

This election cycle they decided to move their center of operations from the more traditional coastal bath house centers such as New York or San Francisco, to a more centralized location in the Hobby Airport Bath House District of Houston, Texas...The logical choice for the position of moderator in this opening debate, Houston's lesbian Mayor Annise Parker, ruled that flashy, colorful clothing would be banned, and all participants, including herself, would wear a simple, black thong so as not to distract the audience...

As expected, gay pornstar Arnold Swollenpecker is the frontrunner of the male homos, and was selected to represent them even though many poofters think his celebrity status gives him an unfair advantage...The clear choice to speak for the lesbians was perennial candidate Phillbo, who with each election draws more votes...

In introducing Phillbo, Hollywood personalities Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell agreed Phillbo is a lesbian at heart before retiring to their private dressing room to apply a fresh coat of chocolate sauce on each other...Bath house hat check person, Fedora "Butch" Jenner, although still undecided which gender to choose, was selected to speak for both the bisexuals and transgenders, as well as the undecided...

Entering the race in a new category representing the retrosexuals, was long-time Hobby Airport resident SBA, owner/operator of the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum...Pushing his wheelchair onstage was his long-suffering daughter, who was heard to whisper, "Don't worry Daddy, you won't get in trouble for not wearing your pants this one time"...

SBA speaks for those retrosexuals who only want things to go back to the good old days...Although he is unclear on when he last had sex, or with whom, or whether he enjoyed it or not, he believes a young upstart named Kennedy was running for office...

Each candidate was given a chance to state his/her/its positions on the issues by Moderator Parker who was assisted with her teleprompter by her wife...In his closing remarks, candidate Phillbo discreetly adjusting his thong, asked the key question which audiences had been hoping for, and the other candidates were dreading, "Does this look swollen to you?" after which Moderator Parker called for the curtain to fall...

Pictured below is the wardrobe technician's poodle helping to gather the discarded garments after the debate...

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Doubts greet North Korea claims of advance to mini-poofter weapons...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/pyongyang-says-it-has-technology-to-make-small-submarined-mounted-nuclear-warheads/2015/05/20/0e96d0bc-fec0-11e4-833c-a2de05b6b2a4_story.html

North Korea's deranged homo leader, Kim Jong-un, in his attempt to raise his status as a major player in international poofter affairs, is being seen today in his usual role, a laughable buffoon...The photo array released by the Korean butt pirate was carefully examined by an independent image analyst, hired at great expense by Truckman Publishing, and the results conclusively show Kim to be lying through his teeth, as usual...

Our analyst verified that the photos of the submarine launch were not taken in the North Pacific, but in a poofter hot tub, probably the one in Kim's private quarters...The vessel is undoubtedly one that the gay Korean leader uses in the "naval exercises" he imagines as he reclines in his tub after a long day executing his relatives...

On close examination, the "missile" purportedly being launched is a nerf rocket with Toys'R'Us tag still attached as seen through the steam from his wood-fired hot tub...The propulsion system for the rocket is not the toy store provided air pump, but likely a hose leading from the toy sub to an unseen underwater source...

A soon-to-be-executed source close to the unhinged dictator verified on pleas of anonymity that Kim enjoys inserting a rubber hose into an unnamed body orifice while eating a plate of Taco Bell green chili burritos in the tub, and surprising any guest tub-mates with a blast of digestive emissions...It is thought he used this system to launch the nerf rocket, substantiated by the vapor trail seen following the toy...

If this is true, the vapor trail itself is likely far more deadly than the "warhead" which turns out to be a bobblehead likeness of the despotic homo, also available in the Pyongyang Toys'R'Us...Fearless publisher Truckman has stated that if Kim wishes to refute the findings of his analyst, he'll be happy to meet with him at any shooting range in Texas as long as Kim stands downwind...

Shown below is one of the bobblehead "warheads" required to be purchased and displayed in every North Korean household on penalty of death...

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New addition to our staff...

In a welcome move for our overburdened work force at LeftyInTheNews, Truckman Publishing is proud to announce the addition of retired political commentator and union organizer, Fulltimer, as Director of Distribution...Fulltimer brings to our organization his many years of experience in seeing the news delivered promptly and accurately...

Always in search of a new challenge, Fulltimer left the Defuniak Springs area with "no more worlds left to conquer," having made sure that each of his route customers had the latest news together with his unique views on what they should think about it...In truth he had grown bored with his perfect delivery record every day, and had long sought a way to escape his long-term contract and accept new challenges...

A chance meeting with a vacationing doctor in Defuniak Springs gave him the opportunity he had waited for as the physician agreed to provide evidence of a month-long heart attack in return for Fulltimer's assistance in ridding the doctor of a burdensome ankle monitor...The ruse worked perfectly as the Defuniak Springs Shopper's Guide was forced to grant compassionate leave, and the AMA is now tracking the movements of a growing young alligator through the Everglades...

Fulltimer wishes to thank Dr. Tchytz for his help, and will be telecommuting to his new assignment with LeftyInTheNews from his new home in Colorado Springs, since he cannot re-enter Texas due to a lingering warrant from his early days as a union organizer in the Dallas area...Truckman Publishing, the media giant behind LeftyInTheNews, welcomes Fulltimer in his new duties, and asks that all issues concerning delivery or commercial distribution be directed to him at LeftyInTheNews@gmail.com...

Shown below is one of the last letters of appreciation Fulltimer received from his position as Home Distribution Agent for the Defuniak Springs Shopper's Guide...

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Hundreds expected outside Scottsdale bath house at Ayatollah cartoon contest...

http://www.cnn.com/2015/05/29/us/mohammed-cartoon-contest/

Hundreds of Arizona poofters will gather in the parking lot of the Greater Scottsdale Bath House & Trampoline Academy to protest the recent decision in Iranian Sharia Court by supreme judge, Ayatollah Leph te Rashitch...The event was inspired by a less publicized happening in which a platoon of US Marines held an impromptu contest at Camp Kaboom in Iraq during Operation Iraqi Freedom...

The Marines had just concluded a worship service at the altar of St. Britney during a visit from the chaplain, Father X, who traveled the region in a C-5 Galaxy filled with Coors, the only adult beverage permitted in Iraq since it has negligible alcohol content...After anointing themselves with several sixers each with no effect on their equilibriums, the Marines gathered at a nearby sand dune to relieve themselves and were inspired to draw caricatures of Saddam Hussein in the sand...

Father X blessed their efforts by joining them, although his sand etching was said to more resemble Mitt Romney...The current exhibition was initiated by one of the former Marines who has since converted to poofterism after four tours of duty in Iraq without the sight of an unveiled woman...

Several truckloads of sand have been hauled in from the nearby Arizona desert, and the poofters will compete to see who can draw the most accurate caricature in the sand depicting Ayatollah Leph te after consuming several bottles of the bath house favorite, Hamm's Beer...Hobby Airport oddsmaker, Yugo Leftanescu, will be accepting wagers by cell phone during the competition...

Presidential candidate Phillbo is expected to drop in by parachute as he attempts to land on a large bullseye-painted trampoline sponsored by the Phoenix Chamber of Lesbian Commerce...Phillbo will not participate in the contest as he is considered a professional athlete, and also says he cannot consume Hamm's due to a medical condition in which Hamm's has a corrosive reaction on titanium body parts...

Retired Apache Junction building inspector FredK will act as judge for the event as his reputation for being fair and impartial is beyond reproach...Shown below, two members of the Chamber of Lesbian Commerce test the trampoline for proper tension before Phillbo's arrival...

Update: Interest in this event has been so enthusiastic, it will be repeated in the winter if enough snow falls...Date to be announced...

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Important announcement...

In an effort to comply with the many requests from law enforcement officials, court recorders, historians, students and other interested researchers, LeftyInTheNews has added a search feature for articles concerning characters found in this news interpretation blog...This clickable tool can be found at the bottom of all thumbnail biographies located along the right side of any page...

This valuable time saving device will be of great value to those having further need of information regarding Lefty, his cohorts, or those pledged to bring him to justice...This service has been provided at great expense through a generous grant from the Truckman Benevolent Foundation (not affiliated in any way with the Clinton Foundation)...

LeftyInTheNews sincerely hopes that this powerful search engine proves to be of value in the never-ending search for the truth about Lefty...Pictured below is the tireless Truckman deep in research of his next scathing article...

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SEX-SWITCHING MOSQUITO GENE COULD HELP FIGHT DISCO FEVER...

http://www.i4u.com/2015/05/91606/sex-switching-mosquito-gene-could-help-fight-dengue-fever

A new outbreak of Disco Fever in the Hobby Airport Bath House District may have an unlikely aggressive enemy, reports famed physician, Dr. Tchytz of the Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop...If his findings are correct, the doctor may receive immediate government funding for his research as almost nobody in America wants a return to the disco era and a resurgence of popularity for Bee Gees music...

The renewed interest in '70's dance music has been traced by investigators from the CDC (Center for Disco Control) to an individual they have labelled as "Dancer Zero" located in the Hobby Airport Bath House District...The sequence of events began as "Dancer Zero" prepared to leave for his job as a towel boy at a popular unisex bath house...

His mom had all his clothes soaking in a tub of turpentine in an attempt to remove a stubborn odor, and he didn't want to risk being arrested again for hitchhiking in the nude...His brother, RHM, had already left to open his male lingerie boutique, and he thought his brother wouldn't mind if he borrowed some clothing to get to work...

Choosing a white bell-bottomed polyester pantsuit which his brother had not worn in decades, "Dancer Zero" then recalled his counterfeit bus pass had been confiscated by transit authorities, and walking to work would make him late again...Reasoning that his father Swifty, owner of Swifty's All Night Bail Bond, Repo & Payday Loan Service, wouldn't mind, he jumped the fence of the impound yard and hot-wired the 1976 AMC Pacer which had been forfeited by "Dancer Zero" for a defaulted loan...

Leaving the yard at a high rate of speed to avoid being late on the job, and to escape the vicious Rottweilers on his heels, he struck a pothole in the road, causing the 8-track tape player to jump from the rendition of "Grandma Got Runned Over By a Reindeer" where it had been stuck since the '80's to an interpretation of "Disco Duck"...By the time he reached the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium to report for his job, the song had been permanently embedded in his mind, and he spent the day whistling and doing his impression of the Chicago Hustle in his thong uniform to the delight of the poofter clients...

By nightfall gays were dancing in the streets with each other, as were lesbians and transgenders, to the music provided by the newly-opened Bundo Record Shop...An ugly incident was averted at the nearby Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum, when one reveler knocked on the door and asked the proprietor if he could play "Shake Your Groove Thing" on one of his player pianos...

The enraged, elderly proprietor, a veteran of both World Wars, screamed, "I don't have any disco crap, ya fruit peddler, now get off my porch, or I'll let you have both barrels of my Ballard 12 gauge!"...The proprietor's long-suffering daughter got him back inside telling him to go put his pants on, explaining to the visitor that the VA needed to adjust his medications again...

Meanwhile Dr. Tchytz was already hard at work to contain the deadly outbreak of Disco Fever when he remembered the sex-switching mosquito gene he had catalogued in his gender reassignment research...Theorizing that if he could introduce the gene into one of each pair of same-sex dance partners, the sudden switch of gender would cause them to lose interest in each other, and he could then isolate the Disco Fever bacteria...

Turning lose a swarm of the rare mosquitoes on the dancers, they began to quickly switch from one sex to another until Dr. Tchytz could isolate and contain all the bacteria, before the short-lived mosquitoes dissipated, and normal poofter life resumed...At the same time, CDC officials confiscated all copies of the deadly Bee Gees music from the Bundo Record Shop along with its owner, and quarantined all in a special holding cell in Guantanamo Bay Naval Detention Center until a final cure could be found...

Houston's lesbian Mayor Annise Parker, in an attempt to avoid another costly lawsuit from the elderly, eccentric piano-roll museum operator, sent him her personal signed copy of a rare boxed piano roll (pictured below)...

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