Obama reportedly snubs NAPA chief as Russia makes new threats against allies...

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2015/03/25/obama-reportedly-snubs-nato-chief-as-russia-makes-new-threats-against-allies/

Reports coming out of Washington today indicate that President Obama abruptly cancelled a scheduled meeting with the North American Poofter Alliance (NAPA) leader, to instead entertain Russia's latest bath house envoy, known only by the single name, Leftovsky...Showing his Russian heritage, Leftovsky immediately began complaining about the temperature of the oval hot tub in the Executive Office, and even snubbed the premium Russian vodka he was offered saying he wanted to sample a beverage he had heard of called Hamm's beer...

Acquiescing to his demands, President Obama sent a Secret Service agent out for a sixer of Hamm's and some fresh towels while attempting to sweet talk Leftovsky...Leftovsky began boasting that the hot tub was a Russian invention dating back to the time when the legendary Nanookie of the North, a fierce, red-haired midget lesbian, ruled the frozen wastelands of Siberia served by her slave towel boy Yellocok, who is always pictured on her left...

Leftovsky then became enraged when the President tried to steer the conversation towards Putin's ambitions in the Ukraine...Without further explanation, the Russian stalked out of the meeting naked handing his wet towel to Michelle Obama whom he mistook for a lesbian serving wench...

Leftovsky was later found in the newly-named Clinton Bedroom smoking one of the El Producto cigars he found in a dresser drawer under a discarded blue dress...The cigar seemed to have a calming effect on him, and it was agreed to restart the meeting the following day after his massage by two of the President's lesbian interns...

Seen below are the hand-rolled Russian "Molotov" cigars Leftovsky brought to Obama as a gift from Putin...

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Russia to launch its own national bath house chain...

http://money.cnn.com/2015/04/10/news/russia-national-fast-food/

In a move certain to have international business and political repercussions, the newly appointed Commissar of Poofter Collectives, Leftovsky, has announced the building of a new chain of Russian bath houses to be named "Nastasia Bois"...Leftovsky, who claims lineage from the "mad monk" Rasputin who was said to be the mystic towel bearer and keeper of the tip jar for Czar Nicholas the Poofter, is thought by some to be behind the recent public disappearance of Vladimir Putin, followed by his reappearance as an enthusiastic supporter of the gay lifestyle...

Known only by his single name, Leftovsky has made a giant leap in the Russian poofter power circle from lowly towel boy to personal envoy and laundry boy for Putin, and now to his peak of power as Commissar of Poofter Collectives...Some vague connection is thought to be held between Leftovsky and mysterious international businessman and power broker Sergei Boris Analtoy, or simply SBA, said to be the manipulator of a vast network of poofter wealth...

Each franchised Nastasia Bois will be conveniently located adjacent to a fast food restaurant known to sell a borscht-based variant of the popular Taco Bell menu item, green chili burritos, a long time poofter favorite...Attorneys for the similarly named chain of gay bars called "Nancybois," owned in part by celebrities Tom Cruise and John Travolta, have been silent concerning the possible name infringement, and may be waiting for support from the Obama Justice Department...

Meanwhile probes launched in search of reliable information about powerbroker SBA have met with crusty impenetrable walls of defense as little is publicly known of the mysterious entrepreneur...The few leads available seem to point to an obscure connection in the Hobby Airport area, but further trails vanish as those who should know simply won't talk...

The only solid evidence linked to SBA is a seeming fondness for antique player pianos and piano rolls sold through an enigmatic eBay site...SBA is thought to have perfected a way to encode the vast library of blackmail material collected in his lifetime onto the player piano rolls, and is holding up the threat of opening his collection to the public as a way of maintaining his multi-national power base...

Shown below, an anonymous source provided this photo, thought to be the secretive Sergei Boris Analtoy composing an extortion letter in his command center...The cryptic note accompanying the photo when delivered to Truckman Publishing, and whose meaning is yet to be decoded, said, "Please help me sell this crap before Daddy buys more junk!"...

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Russia Ready to Receive French Refund for Undelivered Hot Tub...

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2015/05/15/world/europe/ap-eu-russia-france-warship.html

Poofter President Putin of Russia is still stinging from the cancellation of delivery of his personal hot tub, as the Russian leader still adjusts to the gay lifestyle he has adopted...Formerly a hetero-only tyrant, he saw the political winds changing, and bent with them to accept the changes and be included among the world powers as a gay despot...

However, he failed to anticipate how his locker room jokes about homos would offend the hard-core rump rangers from the homeland of homosexuality...He happened to mention one day after a soap-dropping session in the UN communal shower room that 75% of all French men were born gay, and the other 25% were sucked into it, then stood stunned at the absolute dead silence in the locker room...

The fun loving Putin then watched as the French delegate, Florian LePoof, stalked angrily away, while realization of his faux pas dawned on him...Returning to his bachelor quarters in the Kremlin, he found a notice that his custom hot tub, ordered from the prestigious Tubs 'R' Us market in Paris had been cancelled, and his refund must first be approved by the French government's gay premiere...

In a quandary over how to fix the problem without losing face among other dictators, he called upon his former towel boy, and now Commissar of Poofter Collectives, the enigmatic Leftovsky...Working through back channels in the maze of diplomatic connections, Leftovsky learned that protocol demanded a public apology and televised BJ's for both Ambassador LePoof and the French Premiere from Putin himself...

Knowing this would be unacceptable to Putin, Leftovsky delved into gay European history at the Library of Poofter Studies in the prestigious Université Paris-Sore Bone, and soon found the precedent he needed...In 18th century France, the lesbian Queen Marie Antoinette and her limp-wristed consort, Louis XVI, were allowed to send substitutes to the guillotine to satisfy the people's blood lust, while they were whisked away to exile in the nude beach principality of Cap de'Agde for life...

A lookalike for Putin, gay pornstar Arnold Swollenpecker, was contracted for the televised event, broadcast on Paris educational television for all grade levels above six, and Swollenpecker got the career boost he needed in the fiercely competitive gay porn industry...As Putin awaits his forthcoming refund check, he demonstrated his manly prowess by leading a bare-chested attack against a Ukrainian lesbian scout camp in his own personal tank, as depicted below...

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Putin receives new UN ambassador in Kremlin hot tub...

http://www.chron.com/news/world/article/Putin-receives-new-US-ambassador-in-Kremlin-5903254.php

In an unsettling moment for UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty, the diplomat was received in the official Kremlin bath house by a smiling President Putin who was wearing a pair of "Hello Kitty" pajamas instead of the customary towel...The meeting, brokered by the newly formed Russian Ministry of Laundry,went well after a shaky start due to Putin's newness to the poofter world...

Like the professional diplomat he is, Ambassador Lefty quickly changed to a formal thong in an attempt to relieve Putin's embarrassment...In a show of good faith, his thong still carried the laundry tag from the Molotov Memorial Steam'n'Kleen where they still sprinkle kerosene from glass bottles, just like the commissar did in his day...

Putin's newly appointed Commissar of Laundry, Ivan Yakinov, was on hand taking notes as Lefty spoke of his worldwide experience in serving the needs of poofters...The ambassador was particularly concerned with the quality of the towel service in the Moscow bath houses, and was told that all the towel boys had been recently purged with the exception of one known only as Leftovsky...

Leftovsky claims to have been descended from Rasputin, the mystic towel bearer and keeper of the tip jar for Czar Nicholas the Poofter...Leftovsky avoided the purge because he somehow gained the favor of Putin's lesbian wife who also wears the same size lingerie...

Ambassador Lefty advised Commissar Yakinov to appoint a men's room attendant who can keep a supply of good cigars, and also keep the beer cooler at the proper temperature...He also advised switching to a more palatable beer such as Hamm's, and avoiding the local brands brewed from potato peels, which he said were only a few steps up from Coors...

Shown below, Ambassador Lefty amused the brewery workers with different ways to peel potatoes, while instructing President Putin and his entourage on other ways to pad his portfolio with potatoes...

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Russian Toilets Become a Hedge Against Pants Drop...

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2015-03-19/russian-toilets-used-as-a-hedge-against-fallout-from-ruble-rout

The drop in pants as poofters switch to summer thong wear, is disturbing to bath house enthusiasts around the world, but nowhere more so than Russia, where there has always been a shortage of locker space...One enterprising towel boy has instituted a system of toilet stall sharing which may help alleviate a part of the problem...

The chief towel boy at the Kremlin Peoples' Poofter Collective and personal laundry boy to Vladimir Putin, Leftovsky, noted that poofters worldwide spend more time on the toilet than those of any other recreation...This has been accentuated further by the opening of a new Taco Bell in the Moscow Bath House District where quantity purchases of green chili burritos come with a discount coupon for Charmin...

Leftovsky theorized that during peak bath house traffic times when locker storage is at a premium, poofters could form their own mini-collectives in which several could share time in a toilet stall while all hang their pants on hooks inside the stall...Each poofter can therefore guard the valuables of all while taking his turn doing business...

Leftovsky admits the system will require some level of trust and camaraderie among the stall occupants...He has suggested a "water closet lottery" to decide which participants will be housed together, and further suggested that a modest donation to his tip jar could produce favorable results...

The Kremlin Collective's Men's Room Commissar, Vasily Wankoff, opposes the idea as it would create long lines for visiting clients who are not part of a mini-collective, thereby decreasing the proceeds of his own tip jar...UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty, a long time observer of the international poofter scene, said, "If there's going to be a purge, the men's room is the right place for it"...

Shown below, an enterprising Moscow mop lady earns a few extra rubles by charging an entry fee to her custodial supply closet outside a Russian bath house...

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