Beer exec Hamm ordered to pay ex-wife $1B...

http://thehill.com/policy/energy-environment/223628-oil-exec-hamm-ordered-to-pay-ex-wife-1b

In a stunning setback, the patriarch of the Hamm's Brewing Co. family has been ordered to pay his ex-wife the sum of one billion dollars in a historic divorce settlement...As the scion of the family fortune and guardian of the secret (although distorted by centuries of mishandling) formula for Hamm's beer, Hocker Hamm thought his position was safe until he was thwarted by an unhappy, and unfaithful wife...

To briefly recap family history, Hamm's beer has been a favorite beverage of bath house towel boys and men's room attendants since the first batch was brewed by an escaped Egyptian slave, Igoleft the Lesser...Since those first successful years, its quality slipped to the point where today even the most generous of beer critics refer to it as "rancid swill," and yet it has inexplicably lost none of its popularity in bath house commissaries...

But Hocker Hamm mistakenly became convinced that no misbehavior on his part could ever drive a wedge between himself and his wife, Lickreesha...Becoming convinced that Hocker's frequent overnight bath house visits were more than mere business trips, Lickreesha began a liaison with professional nude oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, and shortly thereafter filed for divorce...

The epic courtroom battle between famed divorce attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. representing Hocker, and the recently reinstated Cascade Kitchen Counselor for Lickreesha, took place before Judge SBA who was recalled to the bench because of his vast experience in divorce cases, mostly his own...After several evidentiary hearings in which Judge SBA considered the bribe offerings from both sides of the courtroom, he decided in favor of Lickreesha on her promise of an antique player piano for the judge's personal collection...

In addition, a complete liquidation of Hocker Hamm's assets was ordered to be administered by the auction house of Lefty & RHM, Ltd...The auctioneers will collect their standard commissions from the sales, less a mandatory kickback to be credited to the judge's Spec's Liquor Store revolving account...

Speaking from the auction house headquarters located in a converted shipping container behind Judge SBA's palatial Braniff Street mansion, auctioneer Lefty responded to questions concerning whether Hamm's beer quality will continue to slip in popularity and quality...Lefty offered this statement, "Well, it still tastes OK if it's cold enough, but the best thing you can say about is, it ain't Coors"...

Pictured below is Judge SBA, still in his courtroom attire, enjoying the new addition to his antique piano collection...

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Russia to launch its own national bath house chain...

http://money.cnn.com/2015/04/10/news/russia-national-fast-food/

In a move certain to have international business and political repercussions, the newly appointed Commissar of Poofter Collectives, Leftovsky, has announced the building of a new chain of Russian bath houses to be named "Nastasia Bois"...Leftovsky, who claims lineage from the "mad monk" Rasputin who was said to be the mystic towel bearer and keeper of the tip jar for Czar Nicholas the Poofter, is thought by some to be behind the recent public disappearance of Vladimir Putin, followed by his reappearance as an enthusiastic supporter of the gay lifestyle...

Known only by his single name, Leftovsky has made a giant leap in the Russian poofter power circle from lowly towel boy to personal envoy and laundry boy for Putin, and now to his peak of power as Commissar of Poofter Collectives...Some vague connection is thought to be held between Leftovsky and mysterious international businessman and power broker Sergei Boris Analtoy, or simply SBA, said to be the manipulator of a vast network of poofter wealth...

Each franchised Nastasia Bois will be conveniently located adjacent to a fast food restaurant known to sell a borscht-based variant of the popular Taco Bell menu item, green chili burritos, a long time poofter favorite...Attorneys for the similarly named chain of gay bars called "Nancybois," owned in part by celebrities Tom Cruise and John Travolta, have been silent concerning the possible name infringement, and may be waiting for support from the Obama Justice Department...

Meanwhile probes launched in search of reliable information about powerbroker SBA have met with crusty impenetrable walls of defense as little is publicly known of the mysterious entrepreneur...The few leads available seem to point to an obscure connection in the Hobby Airport area, but further trails vanish as those who should know simply won't talk...

The only solid evidence linked to SBA is a seeming fondness for antique player pianos and piano rolls sold through an enigmatic eBay site...SBA is thought to have perfected a way to encode the vast library of blackmail material collected in his lifetime onto the player piano rolls, and is holding up the threat of opening his collection to the public as a way of maintaining his multi-national power base...

Shown below, an anonymous source provided this photo, thought to be the secretive Sergei Boris Analtoy composing an extortion letter in his command center...The cryptic note accompanying the photo when delivered to Truckman Publishing, and whose meaning is yet to be decoded, said, "Please help me sell this crap before Daddy buys more junk!"...

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A Gator's Tale: Update...

https://www.click2houston.com/news/local/2020/05/14/gator-with-its-tail-run-over-spotted-in-road-in-conroe/

In response to our previous news item concerning Puffy Cravinmore, the latest addition to the population of the Hobby Airport Bath House District, LeftyInTheNews has received urgent messages from the HABHD chapter of PETA (Poofters Excitedly Touching Animals) in regard to the dog assigned to protect Ms. Cravinmore by her benefactor, Gristmill Mikey...In a mostly incoherent email, a PETA representative expressed concern that the dog (which Gristmill Mikey had named Chomper) had undergone a species reassignment, and demanded to know details of the operation...Our intrepid reporter tracked down Mikey on a jobsite where he is remodeling the former home of the late and lamented SBA, who was the nemesis to the Houston City Council as well as the operator of the Hobby Airport Piano Roll Museum, and obtained an interview...

When told of the laughable concerns by PETA members for the welfare of the newly transformed guard dog, the laconic Mikey broke into one his rare smiles which have been known to induce stroke conditions in some faint-hearted observers...He said he first heard of the animal when he was contacted by Truckman who knew of an accident in Conroe involving a hapless alligator...Knowing of Mikey's fondness for animals, he suggested the gator might be coaxed out of the swamp where it could be examined and cared for...Mikey immediately rode his Honda Goldwing with its sidecar to Conroe, and ignoring the warnings from horrified officials, he walked into the swamp where the gator had last been seen...

The gator was quickly found chewing on the tires of the same Prius which had run over and injured its tail...Knowing a kindred spirit when it found one, the gator docilely followed Mikey, and obediently climbed into the Honda's sidecar, riding off with him to the astonishment of onlookers...After reaching the Hobby Airport area, Mikey sought a medical assessment of the gator from Dr. Horace Tchytz of the Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop knowing that the doctor holds dual degrees as a sex change specialist and veterinarian...Using these skills, the doctor suggested that the tail was too damaged for proper healing and the alligator would live a more productive life with a species reassignment as a dog...Mikey agreed, and the operation was performed in exchange for some expansion work to Dr. Tchytz's bait shop where he repurposes the unneeded parts remaining after poofter gender reassignments...

The animal recovered quickly, and happily went home with Mikey where it accepted training for its new life as a guard dog...Mikey said the only out-of-pocket expenses involved occurred when he decided the dog would look more natural without its normal "gator green" skin, so using some leftover house paint from a remodeling job, the dog is now brown...Asked what the dog eats, Mikey said he doesn't really know as it seems to forage for itself while roaming the neighborhood, although he did observe that coincidentally many of the ne'er-do-well criminal types in the Bath House District now appear to be amputees...Chomper also seems quite happy in its new role as a guard dog, and Puffy Cravinmore reports that new attempts to rob her have dropped to zero, while the dog quickly adapted to riding on the buddy seat of her BMW motorcycle...

The only question remaining unanswered was the disposition of the gator's tail which was removed in the species reassignment operation...Bath house towel boy, Lefty, who also serves as a clerk for Dr. Tchytz's bait shop suggested the flesh could be added to the bait inventory, while Lefty's brother, RightHandMan, made a bid for the skin...RHM envisioned it being used as a custom codpiece after tanning by his taxidermist, and placed for sale to his high end clients at his male lingerie boutique...However, Gristmill Mikey, being a humanitarian, donated the tail to the Hobby Airport Food Bank where it was barbequed and served to the HABHD homeless...Fuel for the event was unknowingly donated by the estate of the late SBA as shown below...

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No Knockout in Poofter Presidential Debate as Erection Nears...

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2015-05-21/polish-challenger-duda-carries-last-debate-before-president-vote

With the 2016 Presidential election still 18 months away, candidates representing all walks of life are already jockeying for position in the overcrowded field...The LGBTU (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Undecided) contingent is definitely one of the fastest growing, and most vocal of the special interest voting blocs...

This election cycle they decided to move their center of operations from the more traditional coastal bath house centers such as New York or San Francisco, to a more centralized location in the Hobby Airport Bath House District of Houston, Texas...The logical choice for the position of moderator in this opening debate, Houston's lesbian Mayor Annise Parker, ruled that flashy, colorful clothing would be banned, and all participants, including herself, would wear a simple, black thong so as not to distract the audience...

As expected, gay pornstar Arnold Swollenpecker is the frontrunner of the male homos, and was selected to represent them even though many poofters think his celebrity status gives him an unfair advantage...The clear choice to speak for the lesbians was perennial candidate Phillbo, who with each election draws more votes...

In introducing Phillbo, Hollywood personalities Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell agreed Phillbo is a lesbian at heart before retiring to their private dressing room to apply a fresh coat of chocolate sauce on each other...Bath house hat check person, Fedora "Butch" Jenner, although still undecided which gender to choose, was selected to speak for both the bisexuals and transgenders, as well as the undecided...

Entering the race in a new category representing the retrosexuals, was long-time Hobby Airport resident SBA, owner/operator of the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum...Pushing his wheelchair onstage was his long-suffering daughter, who was heard to whisper, "Don't worry Daddy, you won't get in trouble for not wearing your pants this one time"...

SBA speaks for those retrosexuals who only want things to go back to the good old days...Although he is unclear on when he last had sex, or with whom, or whether he enjoyed it or not, he believes a young upstart named Kennedy was running for office...

Each candidate was given a chance to state his/her/its positions on the issues by Moderator Parker who was assisted with her teleprompter by her wife...In his closing remarks, candidate Phillbo discreetly adjusting his thong, asked the key question which audiences had been hoping for, and the other candidates were dreading, "Does this look swollen to you?" after which Moderator Parker called for the curtain to fall...

Pictured below is the wardrobe technician's poodle helping to gather the discarded garments after the debate...

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Saggy Career Update...

Leisure living field correspondent SBA files this report (edited & fumigated for clarity):

"As you know, pubic information on any person is available online for $5.00.  Now, in my senior years, I must review all my former associates and determine which ones are still dangerous to the pubic safety;  starting with Saggy.  Saggy's police record shows his arrest and confinement in the Summit County Jail for aircraft theft, but then boys will be boys., although some go poofter.  Then there was Saggy's involvement in pushing over Police Chief Jim Shane's outhouse, but this crime still remains unsolved as to whether Jim Shane was in it; although the laundry report shows his police uniform was self-soiled. Saggy went on to a career with Tinnerman 'Speed-Nuts. However, there was the incident when he was selling 'Saggy Speed-Nuts' too. Saggy Speed-Nuts were peanuts soaked in Viagra, giving the eater a repeater-peter. Saggy also had a second version of Saggy Speed-Nuts with peanuts soaked in Ex-Lax. Unfortunately, the two packages were similar and numerous studs got them mixed up, and when they were all set to have sex they soiled their Fruit-of-the-Looms.  Saggy's two associates in the Saggy Speed-Nut business were Buster Snyder and Sam Fritz; both later convicted of humping small farm animals at the Academy barns,. Saggy is now retired in Bunga Raton , Florida,  and must wear an ankle bracelet to monitor his movements, which are mostly in his pants.  PBS considered making a documentary on Saggy's life as an inspiration to others; however it was more like constipation instead."

Editor's note:

"It's not the ankle bracelet that worries residents of the Boca Raton retirement home where Saggy resides, but rather the Pandora bracelet he wears on his left wrist...Over the years he has added a charm for every bedroom window he had to escape from due to the early arrival home of his date's husband...The bracelet is now so long it has been wound around his arm past his elbow, interfering with his eating his bowl of Cheerios every morning...
The only good thing about this is his left arm is now so heavy, it has begun to grow to the size of his right arm which has been overworked since the day he found his father's stash of erotic literature when he was 13..."

Equal time counterpoint filed by Saggy:

"Apple iPhone, CIA & FBI had all promised me that this personal info WOULD NEVER BE RELEASED! It had to have been leaked----and now we know who THE LEAKER is. This definitely calls out for the help offered to me by my close friends and allies---Mitch Rapp and Jack Reacher. Best to be watching your back.Even your friends, Truckman and Lefty,  will be of no avail and if they desire to remain as part of the still breathing Conroe/Hobby Poofter society, it might be best to seek asylum in the closest Walmart lockable pay toilet and have your meals brought in for at least a week."

Shown below, Saggy relaxes on the sun deck at the Boca Raton Retirement Arcade...

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From the Firearms Technology News Desk...

Noted entrepreneur and firearms enthusiast, Lefty, sometimes inadvertently stuffs his potato in the rear of his jockey shorts rather than in front, usually when dressing in a hurry...This recently happened when he was being ejected from a local Taco Bell after being caught leaving his business cards on top of the urinals...

While walking home to his converted shipping crate behind a Braniff Street mansion owned by a retired eccentric engineer, he decided to eat the bean burrito he accidentally snatched from a table while being shown the door...As usual, the gastric disturbance caused by the burrito resulted in a gaseous emission from his aft portal, but the expected loud noise was mysteriously muffled...

Lefty deduced that the lack of sound was the result of the potato absorbing the sonic boom...Knowing there is a market for firearm silencers, he and his elderly, eccentric landlord developed the prototype shown below in a demonstration video...

Pending ATF approval, Lefty is accepting pre-orders from prospective clients...Orders may be placed at Spec's Liquor Store with all funds payable to the SBA Revolving Account, Delinquent Collections Dept...

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500 million year old lobster fossil discovered...

http://www.theamericanregister.com/500-million-year-old-lobster-fossil-discovered/9046/

Professor Lefty of the prestigious Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has announced the finding of an eons-old fossil that may be the prehistoric ancestor of a creature that plagues bath house users even today...The professor's research assistant, RHM, discovered the relic while sifting through the remains of what is believed to be a primitive poofter shower room found under the decaying layers of a Braniff Street landfill...

RHM immediately noticed something different among the petrified Dove soap bars and decayed towel remnants...On closer examination, it resembled a lobster with the exception of it having legs on both sides, similar to the two-sided crab which infests modern bath houses...

Two-sided crabs are especially bothersome as they can continue to run up a victim's leg in search of a snack even when flipped over...It is now believed that the modern pest evolved over the millennia from the dominant lobster-like creature interbreeding with the more docile crabs...

Professor Lefty also offers the theory that evidence of sharpened clam shells found among the shower room debris indicates that the infestation of the ancient "crab-lobsters" may have hastened the invention of the razor by an early human species known as Gillette Man...The professor added that this is not to be confused with the first use of a razor in lesbian porn "flickers" of the silent movie era by an actress called Lady Schick...

Shown below, Lady Schick is pictured in a publicity release from Mack Sennett's Peeping Tom Productions (now defunct)...Photo courtesy of the SBA collection...

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