Saggy Career Update...

Leisure living field correspondent SBA files this report (edited & fumigated for clarity):

"As you know, pubic information on any person is available online for $5.00.  Now, in my senior years, I must review all my former associates and determine which ones are still dangerous to the pubic safety;  starting with Saggy.  Saggy's police record shows his arrest and confinement in the Summit County Jail for aircraft theft, but then boys will be boys., although some go poofter.  Then there was Saggy's involvement in pushing over Police Chief Jim Shane's outhouse, but this crime still remains unsolved as to whether Jim Shane was in it; although the laundry report shows his police uniform was self-soiled. Saggy went on to a career with Tinnerman 'Speed-Nuts. However, there was the incident when he was selling 'Saggy Speed-Nuts' too. Saggy Speed-Nuts were peanuts soaked in Viagra, giving the eater a repeater-peter. Saggy also had a second version of Saggy Speed-Nuts with peanuts soaked in Ex-Lax. Unfortunately, the two packages were similar and numerous studs got them mixed up, and when they were all set to have sex they soiled their Fruit-of-the-Looms.  Saggy's two associates in the Saggy Speed-Nut business were Buster Snyder and Sam Fritz; both later convicted of humping small farm animals at the Academy barns,. Saggy is now retired in Bunga Raton , Florida,  and must wear an ankle bracelet to monitor his movements, which are mostly in his pants.  PBS considered making a documentary on Saggy's life as an inspiration to others; however it was more like constipation instead."

Editor's note:

"It's not the ankle bracelet that worries residents of the Boca Raton retirement home where Saggy resides, but rather the Pandora bracelet he wears on his left wrist...Over the years he has added a charm for every bedroom window he had to escape from due to the early arrival home of his date's husband...The bracelet is now so long it has been wound around his arm past his elbow, interfering with his eating his bowl of Cheerios every morning...
The only good thing about this is his left arm is now so heavy, it has begun to grow to the size of his right arm which has been overworked since the day he found his father's stash of erotic literature when he was 13..."

Equal time counterpoint filed by Saggy:

"Apple iPhone, CIA & FBI had all promised me that this personal info WOULD NEVER BE RELEASED! It had to have been leaked----and now we know who THE LEAKER is. This definitely calls out for the help offered to me by my close friends and allies---Mitch Rapp and Jack Reacher. Best to be watching your back.Even your friends, Truckman and Lefty,  will be of no avail and if they desire to remain as part of the still breathing Conroe/Hobby Poofter society, it might be best to seek asylum in the closest Walmart lockable pay toilet and have your meals brought in for at least a week."

Shown below, Saggy relaxes on the sun deck at the Boca Raton Retirement Arcade...

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Naked man jumping on cars along busy Florida highway...

http://www.roanoke.com/news/nation/wire/police-naked-man-jumping-on-cars-along-busy-florida-highway/article_8c407204-fa8e-5abf-8a5c-ad897e05ec52.html

Florida state prosecutors are considering charges against an elderly man who disrupted traffic along a heavily traveled stretch of highway in Florida's beach community...Identified only as "Saggy," it is unknown at this time whether this is his given name or an alias tagged by crime reporters...

Under questioning (from a safe distance by reluctant investigators) Saggy claimed to be a member of the Boca Raton Senior Nudist Coffee Club, saying he was late for a meeting of the planning committee for the "Happy Nude Year" party sponsored by his organization, and was trying to take advantage of prevailing winds by "car surfing" because he was expected to cast the deciding vote on the party theme...

Explaining further he said, "With all my loose skin, I can catch a tailwind on top of a minivan, and get even better mileage than a Nissan Versa Hybrid like some of those sissy poofters drive"...Enlisting the services of well-known senior rights lobbyist, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., who was conducting his weekly inspection of facilities for housing intoxication violators, Saggy is expected to contest any charges filed...Prosecutors are said to be stymied as no state attorney as yet is willing to come near the case, or Saggy...

In a last ditch effort to gain favorable headlines for posterity, President Obama admitted he has directed the Federal Justice Department to consider whether to take over the case, but can't decide which issue to support...In a press release from the tee box at Burning Hills Golf Club, he said, "We could take an activist side for gay rights as well as alternative wind energy, but the public safety and animal endangerment issue from frightened indigenous Florida wildlife which witnessed the scene must be considered"...

Shown below in an undated file photo, Saggy is seen submitting to a strip search just before entering the clothing optional area of the Boca Raton Beach in his position as sand crab population monitor...

Egyptian Poofters Used Wet Sand to Move Stones and Asteroids...

http://www.natureworldnews.com/articles/6859/20140502/egyptians-used-wet-sand-move-stones-build-pyramids.htm

Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has announced a major breakthrough in research to solve one of poofter society's most painful problems...Prof. Lefty explains, "Homos throughout history have been afflicted with huge asteroids due to their unique social interaction, and massive gallstones from their diet of cheap beer, such as Hamm's"...

The professor pointed out that as they age, the size of their symptoms become larger and therefore impede their mobility...Ancient Egyptian bath house patrons were thought to have discovered the solution to this problem on the banks of the Nile River, but the secret has became lost to history over the ages...

While performing lesbian research on a clothing optional beach in Florida, Prof. Lefty was compelled to find a hasty exit to avoid local warrant service, and in doing so became acquainted with an elderly beachcomber who identified himself only as "Saggy"...Saggy told the professor that he developed massive asteroids due to a childhood incident in which he was blamed for outhouse vandalism and severely paddled by his parents...

He also became afflicted with oversized gallstones from his religious consumption of inexpensive french wine after being converted overnight by a french movie star to her faith...The movie star also revealed to him the ancient Egyptian secret of easily moving these massive appendages by packing his Fruit of the Looms with wet beach sand...

Professor Lefty took the photo of Saggy shown below shortly before being hurriedly ushered off the beach as a result of his failure to bring a bathing suit with him...The professor claims the photo will be used to further his research following his release from Florida custody on charges of indecent exposure...Additional charges of beach erosion were dropped due to a lack of evidence that he caused the mysterious drag mark seen between his footprints on the sand...

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Today's history lesson...

The official state historian of the state of Florida, Saggy, has submitted the following article through educational correspondent Dan, who has fact-checked it for accuracy, "As you know, Lefty is working on his Ph.D. dissipation in History at P.U. (Pasadena University). His parole officer asked me to check his histerical accuracy, and you being his mentor might do likewise. According to Lefty ... Columbus discovered American in 1492 and opened up the whole Western Hemorrhoid. Queen Isabelly of Spain financed the expedition with three ships - the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Clausa. All the rest of the Spaniards moved to Florida to mine gold which was shipped back to Spain in Spanish Geldingions.  John Smith landed on Plymouth Rock, which turned out to be a petrified dinosaur turd and was later bought by Chrysler Corp. to make Plymouth cars.

Smith married Pocahontas, who had a nice size wampum,  and invented Smith Bros. Cough Drops. Her father, Chief Wahoo, invented Red Man Chewing Tobacco and retired to Dubuque, Iowa. Columbus's brother-in-law, Ponce de Leon, went into bootleg business brewing his 'Fountain of Youth' brand at a still undisclosed still in Florida. Meanwhile back in Holland, Hans Brinkler stuck his finger in a dyke to prevent her flooding herself."

Update: Lefty should make mention of the fact that all those Spaniards that settled in Florida are still there, along with all their Cuban and South American cousins, aunts, uncles, in-laws and other outlaws where they soon found there was an easier living to be made in cocaine and welfare than there was in gold...All the gold is now in their teeth and low-rider wheels...

The now-retired Saggy is pictured below living a life of ease as a Florida beachcomber...

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RHM's latest match...

Aspiring sissyweight fighter, RHM, has agreed to meet his latest opponent in the squared circle...The up and coming (please, no visuals) boxer has signed on to meet Fallon Fox, transgendered pugilist in a scheduled three round exhibition match...Mr./Ms. Fox, the boxer with a box, has encouraged RHM to schedule his/her/its own gender assignment surgery...

Says Fox: "The little wuss needs to decide what sex he wants to be, if any, and just man up..."

RHM's trainer/manager, Lefty, has insisted on performing a pre-match functionality inspection of Fox to insure all parts are in working order...The likely venue for this match-up is a Boca Raton nudist camp operated by an elderly promoter known only as Saggy...The well known Florida nudist, Saggy (pictured below), was once asked who gave him his nickname, and he answered, "Everybody..."

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New evidence in Flight 800 crash...

Accident investigators have uncovered new evidence in the infamous Flight 800 balloon accident on its way from Roman Forest to Patton Village for the weekly nude ping pong tournament...The balloon pilot, Big "Tiny" Balsac, has broken under intense questioning and confessed to having passed his joint to the stewardess, Patsy Possumlips, at the same time a passenger passed gas while consuming the last of his inflight lunch sponsored by Taco Bell...The resulting flame ignited the methane gas keeping the balloon aloft...

The unnamed passenger, identified only as an elderly badminton reporter for the Boca Raton based Daily Shuttlecock, was later found dazed but unharmed in a yaupon tree outside a convenience store in Liberty County which was being raided for possession and operation of eight-liner machines in a gambling sting...After treatment for a bruised buttock in the Liberty County jail nurse's office, the passenger, who called himself Saggy (an obvious pseudonym), demanded to see a lawyer, but found out that the standard bribe to the local Justice of Peace was cheaper...

Meanwhile, towel boy, Lefty, who is always included in the roundup of usual suspects, was cleared of suspicion when it was found that at the time he was part of a chain gang scrubbing graffiti from the walls of a Hobby Airport area Lowe's men's room as part of a community service sentence...

Pictured below is the ill-fated balloon moments before the accident...

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