The official state historian of the state of Florida, Saggy, has submitted the following article through educational correspondent Dan, who has fact-checked it for accuracy, "As you know, Lefty is working on his Ph.D. dissipation in History at P.U. (Pasadena University). His parole officer asked me to check his histerical accuracy, and you being his mentor might do likewise. According to Lefty ... Columbus discovered American in 1492 and opened up the whole Western Hemorrhoid. Queen Isabelly of Spain financed the expedition with three ships - the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Clausa. All the rest of the Spaniards moved to Florida to mine gold which was shipped back to Spain in Spanish Geldingions. John Smith landed on Plymouth Rock, which turned out to be a petrified dinosaur turd and was later bought by Chrysler Corp. to make Plymouth cars.
Smith married Pocahontas, who had a nice size wampum, and invented Smith Bros. Cough Drops. Her father, Chief Wahoo, invented Red Man Chewing Tobacco and retired to Dubuque, Iowa. Columbus's brother-in-law, Ponce de Leon, went into bootleg business brewing his 'Fountain of Youth' brand at a still undisclosed still in Florida. Meanwhile back in Holland, Hans Brinkler stuck his finger in a dyke to prevent her flooding herself."
Update: Lefty should make mention of the fact that all those Spaniards that settled in Florida are still there, along with all their Cuban and South American cousins, aunts, uncles, in-laws and other outlaws where they soon found there was an easier living to be made in cocaine and welfare than there was in gold...All the gold is now in their teeth and low-rider wheels...
The now-retired Saggy is pictured below living a life of ease as a Florida beachcomber...
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