Coors sales miss estimates on lower demand, strong dollar...

http://in.reuters.com/article/2015/05/07/molsoncoors-results-idINL4N0XY4PI20150507

As expected, Coors' decision to "test the waters" in the upscale poofter market has met with stiff resistance as bath house clients continue to show their loyalty to the nearly undrinkable Hamm's product...Industry analyst Lefty explains, "Hey, if these homos want water they don't have to buy it by the can, their hot tubs are full of it"...

Other market watchers point to a hot spot of sales activity in the Moab desert where Coors is used in a ritual blessing by an offshoot of the crackpot religious group, the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity...The leader of the sect, a shadowy entity known only as Father X, is said to anoint himself 12 ounces at a time from 12 to 24 times a day as he worships video images of St. Britney...

The followers of this cult gather to worship daily where each row of beanbag pews is marked by an ATM where the faithful may exchange their dollars for scrip (at a competitive bank rate) which may then be spent at the package store conveniently located in the vestibule...After services, the worshipers pay homage to Father X at the steps of his rectory where they place offerings consisting of kegs and cases of Coors bought at the temple's package store...

When asked his opinion of how Hamm's acquired its unique taste, said to be reminiscent of gargling with stumpwater after chewing on one of Shaq O'Neal's gym socks following a hard practice, Lefty said, "Hey, the best thing you can say about it is, it ain't Coors"...In its original formula brought to Lower Mesopotamia by escaped slave towel boy, Igoleft the Lesser and his sissy brother, it was called the nectar of the gods, but degenerated over the centuries to what is today's Hamm's...

In another part of the country, patrons of upscale east coast bath houses are showing increasing interest in the products of Le Voyager ® Beverage Company...Shown below is one of Le Voyager's trained tracking dogs marking the location of another find in the continuing hunt for the all-natural ingredients in Le Voyager ® Cabbage Cider and Pinecone Wine...

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Federal Judge Affirms the Freedom to Marry in Arkansas...

http://www.enewspf.com/latest-news/equality/57183-federal-judge-affirms-the-freedom-to-marry-in-arkansas.html

In a re-affirmation of long-standing Arkansas tradition, a federal court today struck down a law preventing marital unions between consenting adults no matter their gender, species, family relation, number of spouses, breathing status or planet of birth, as long as they have reached the age of majority, which in Arkansas is apparently thirteen...

In accordance with the new court guidelines, Father Lefty of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity has announced his latest wedding chapel opening in Kinder Gap, Arkansas just in time for those who wish to take advantage of year-end tax shelters with extra dependents...His close associate and business partner, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., will be happy to discuss his new rates on group divorces in his law office, located conveniently next door to the chapel...

Father Lefty's brother, RHM, who has taken a leave of absence from his position as men's room attendant at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, will operate a branch of his popular men's lingerie boutique selling bridal veils in all common sizes for gays, lesbians, family members and pets regardless of gender assignment...All three businesses will be located in Le Voyager Plaza between the 24 hour liquor store and all-state ID card factory (sold for novelty purposes only)...

All three new businesses have received sanction from the Arkansas Chamber of Commerce subject to bribery checks clearing the local banks, and Father Lefty assures all clients he is prepared to observe all religious customs and rituals, in accordance with federal mandates...Pictured below is a double wedding ceremony between ISIS leaders and their latest virgin brides...

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Parade report...

Holiday calendar editor Dan files this timely report, "Today was the annual Thanksgiving Girl Scouts Parade in Conroe. Lefty, being the biggest turkey in town, was the parade leader, and RHM was the drummer boy. The girls were marching along briskly to the drum beat, and as they passed the reviewing stand on Main St., Dave Grubb happened to be burning an old hair mattress in the next alley over.  Lefty got a whiff of the smoke, and asked the Parade Marshall .."Do you think I'm marching the girls too fast?"

Update: RHM sniffed a bit of the smoke and got a better high than from the Virginia stump cabbage Lefty was buying from Le Voyager...Unfortunately, Dave Grubb sensed a money-making proposition, and immediately packaged the remainder of the mattress in ZipLoc bags and rented sidewalk space from Mattress Mac for distribution...

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PNW Arms releases Signature Series Designated Driver in .300 Blackout...

http://www.ammoland.com/2014/11/pnw-arms-designated-marksman-rifle-in-300-blackout/#axzz3IxSyKCPW

PNW Arms, a subsidiary of Nox Industries, has announced the release (although some sources call it the escape) of an advanced designated driver for inebriated golfers whose blood alcohol content (BAC) measures over the .300 Blackout limit as set by the Poofter Golf Association (PGA)...The new driver joins the already popular Tiger Woods signature model driver which has seen skyrocketing sales among philandering husbands as its foam rubber design has proven harmless if used by angry wives who attempt to beat them senseless...

Also in the works is the AK Gandy signature model which is guaranteed to drive consistently to the left on any course of discussion...And on the designing table is the Le Voyager "Pot Stirrer," built to withstand caustic additives when stirring your home-brewed sour mash, and weighted to avoid the topic when stirring up a debate...

Spokesmodel for PNW Arms, Lefty, was on hand to demonstrate proper grip techniques for lesbian golfers who have been out of practice in grasping a shaft...Sill waiting for approval from the PGA is the Pamela Anderson "Advantage" driver (shown below) designed for topless dancers who have a problem seeing the ball because of their ample cleavage...

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Hobby Airport Academic Fraud Went on for Years Amid Lax Oversight, Report Finds...

http://online.wsj.com/articles/report-details-academic-scandal-at-north-carolina-1413997202?tesla=y&mg=reno64-wsj&url=http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10544583878787513307804580230421015924534.html

Allegations have now deepened against the embattled Hobby Airport University of Poofter Sciences (UPS) as new charges have been filed with the school's chairman of the Board of Regents, Dean Lefty...Dean Lefty, in turn, has attempted to shift the blame onto the faculty, security services and even the janitorial staff...

The troubles began last week when a transgendered ex-sailor applied for admission to the school's Institute of Male Lingerie Design using his/her veteran's benefits...The Registrar, Professor RHM, explained that Dean Lefty requires that all benefit checks must be submitted for direct deposit in the school's Faculty Dining Hall Fund, which investigation shows is redirected to Dean Lefty's personal delinquent charge account at Spec's Liquor Store...

Other problems surfaced as state education officials discovered that a course titled Advanced Towel Folding Techniques was actually a revolving group of area winos who do piece-work in a bath house laundry, and are paid in "cents-off" coupons from a local Taco Bell...Lesbian massage therapy students were found to be housed in a corner of a converted shipping container where Dean Lefty makes his home behind the palatial Braniff Street mansion of an elderly, reclusive author...

Further charges were raised when it was revealed that all female students who registered for pole dancing instructions with Sports Director Mazola McLeglock were forced to submit to a daily body cavity strip search by Chief of Campus Security, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a disgraced midget lesbian on temporary assignment to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...In addition President Obama's Office of Sanitary Homos Administration (OSHA) monitored the Hot Tub Temperature Management curriculum, and were appalled to find students were taught to take temperature readings by dipping their appendages in the water without using appropriate safety gear in clear violation of OSHA rules...

As the university prepares for a full-on investigation by lesbian Mayor Parker's Department of Rugmuncher Welfare, Dean Lefty has enlisted the services of famed attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., who recently became available when his parole was approved on his jury-tampering conviction...Mr. Spitt assured Dean Lefty that all extortion and bribery methods that the law allows will be exhausted in his efforts to clear the school's good name...

Pictured below is an advanced chemistry class disposing of a botched fruit fermentation experiment in a sanitary and EPA compliant manner under the direction of the head of the chemistry department, Dr. Le Voyager... 

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Tesla D Is Insane...

http://cleantechnica.com/2014/10/10/tesla-d-insane/

The results of a court-ordered psychiatric examination are in for newly arrived Armenian lesbian masseuse, Tesla D...Tesla's last name cannot be pronounced by Western tongues without developing a severe, permanent stutter, thus she is known by her first name and her room designation where she is employed by the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

A mental exam was ordered with noted psychiatrist/proctologist Dr. Tchytz (who is said to cure crazy at both ends) when Tesla began to exhibit signs of emotional imbalance...The first occurrence was when she commented on how handsome and virile-looking a towel boy named Lefty was...

It was first thought that she merely had poor taste in men, but then she commented on how sexy and alluring she found the squeaky, annoying voice of midget, lesbian security guard, Deputy Dumpy Bunny...On hearing this, bath house management ordered a complete psychiatric examination...

In a press release from Chief of Security Big "Tiny" Balsac it was said, "We figured anyone who thinks those two have any appeal at all, has got to be a few bricks short of a load...She's got a million dollar rack, but a 29 cent brain, and Dr. Tchytz's exam confirms it"...

Dr. Tchytz reports that Tesla's dementia is not likely to turn violent as long as she is kept medicated with a strong sedative such as Le Voyager Ⓡ Cabbage Cider or Pinecone Wine, both of which Dr. Tchytz stocks as an exclusive distributor in his Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop...Towel boy lefty has volunteered to administer the recommended dosage for her to prevent over-medication...

Bath house senior management was pleased with the results, as Tesla has proved to be a valuable employee, especially since she has not completely mastered the US/Armenian currency exchange rate, and accepts her pay in post-dated IOU's...Lefty also helps her make sure her tip jar (shown below) doesn't become over-stuffed which he tells her would be a violation of OSHA safety rules...

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