The troubles began last week when a transgendered ex-sailor applied for admission to the school's Institute of Male Lingerie Design using his/her veteran's benefits...The Registrar, Professor RHM, explained that Dean Lefty requires that all benefit checks must be submitted for direct deposit in the school's Faculty Dining Hall Fund, which investigation shows is redirected to Dean Lefty's personal delinquent charge account at Spec's Liquor Store...
Other problems surfaced as state education officials discovered that a course titled Advanced Towel Folding Techniques was actually a revolving group of area winos who do piece-work in a bath house laundry, and are paid in "cents-off" coupons from a local Taco Bell...Lesbian massage therapy students were found to be housed in a corner of a converted shipping container where Dean Lefty makes his home behind the palatial Braniff Street mansion of an elderly, reclusive author...
Further charges were raised when it was revealed that all female students who registered for pole dancing instructions with Sports Director Mazola McLeglock were forced to submit to a daily body cavity strip search by Chief of Campus Security, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a disgraced midget lesbian on temporary assignment to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...In addition President Obama's Office of Sanitary Homos Administration (OSHA) monitored the Hot Tub Temperature Management curriculum, and were appalled to find students were taught to take temperature readings by dipping their appendages in the water without using appropriate safety gear in clear violation of OSHA rules...
As the university prepares for a full-on investigation by lesbian Mayor Parker's Department of Rugmuncher Welfare, Dean Lefty has enlisted the services of famed attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., who recently became available when his parole was approved on his jury-tampering conviction...Mr. Spitt assured Dean Lefty that all extortion and bribery methods that the law allows will be exhausted in his efforts to clear the school's good name...
Pictured below is an advanced chemistry class disposing of a botched fruit fermentation experiment in a sanitary and EPA compliant manner under the direction of the head of the chemistry department, Dr. Le Voyager...
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