In an obvious attempt to gain the trust of college-age voters, President Obama showed off his seldom seen skill as a body-painter while visiting the Stanford Student Union Bath House & Adult Textbook Store...The President revealed that his own education at the Idi Amin Institute of Tyranny in his native Kenya was financed by painting nose rings on the faces of impoverished students before they entered their glory hole construction classes...
After hearing the impassioned plea of Professor Lefty of the Stanford Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies calling for federal funding for thongs in school colors to be worn by lesbian and poofter students, the President and his 368 Secret Service bodyguards flew to the campus to investigate...While the Secret Service agents conducted massive probes inside the shower rooms for soap dropping violations, Obama displayed his airbrush techniques by painting cardinal red thongs on students who could otherwise not afford them...
In a show of solidarity, the Republican-led Eta Pi sorority furnished brushes and touch-up bodypaint allowing Professor Lefty and his lesbian art class to gain extra credit by filling in the gaps as the delighted students entered the bath house...The Secret Service also waived the usual mandatory metal detector screening in favor of a full body cavity search since many students were wearing at least three pounds of body jewelry in their piercings...
Pictured below, Stanford animal rights activists provided comfort stations for dogs whose owners were expressing their gratitude for President Obama's visit...
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