Phillbo Probe Sends Back First Photo From Surface of Comet...

http://www.nbcnews.com/news/photo/philae-probe-sends-back-first-photo-surface-comet-n247586

The Phillbo Probe, after making its successful landing on the so-called Trampoline Comet, has begun transmitting photos back to Earth for study by scientists...As the Lefty Probe had been ordered into government detention for a 30 to 90 day period of debriefing by a local court, the Phillbo Probe was chosen for the mission instead, and has proven a worthy choice...

Landing on the Trampoline Comet was expected to be difficult, and no lander on Earth has had more experience in overcoming rough landings than the Phillbo Probe...The Phillbo unit also contains a dual-purpose probe, and since the comet's springy surface was suspected to be similar in content to the ingredients used in Arizona style street tacos, one end of the probe was already programmed to receive its many variations...

Although it was unknown at the time whether the comet is inhabited, there were indications of lesbian lifeforms present...If so, the other end of the Phillbo Probe was engineered to be highly sensitive (some would say eager) to study every aspect of their existence...

As the veteran Lefty Probe receives a much needed cleaning and re-programming in its maintenance facility, the Phillbo Probe has already begun to transmit data back to Earth for study...Raw camera footage contained the image below which scientists believe may be one of the comet's lifeforms offering a sample of the comet's surface to the probe's intake port...

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Remains of dating from Ice Age uncovered in Alaska...

http://www.foxnews.com/science/2014/11/12/remains-infants-dating-from-ice-age-uncovered-in-alaska/

Leaving Alaska just ahead of the frigid weather, Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies can now tell us of his latest findings concerning poofter and lesbian dating rituals among early Eskimo cultures...If the Eskimos had been smart enough to leave before they froze to death, they might have been able to tell us themselves...

What the professor and his research team uncovered in the northern wastelands appears to have been the earliest known nudist settlement segregated for gay and lesbian activities...Although the settlement was inhabited by both male and female gays, it was ruled by a fierce red-haired midget lesbian named Nanookie of the North...

Professor Lefty prefaced his remarks with this statement, "This had to be the dumbest bunch of homos in history...They not only started a nudist camp in the middle of an ice age, but they didn't even know they could get warmer by rubbing something other than their noses together"...

The professor went on to describe how they uncovered the remains of the poofter population still frozen in their unheated hot tubs, and yet the bodies of Nanookie and her slave towel boy, Yellocok (who is always pictured on her left in illustrations) were never found...Some legends tell of a similar couple who appeared in the warmer southern lands shortly after the ice age claimed the settlement with no other survivors...

Professor Lefty's research indicates that Nanookie became an undersheriff in a wild, unsettled area where she was overcharged for her swords, shields and battleaxes by a traveling weapons peddler...From that moment she vowed in her shrill, annoying voice that she and her descendants would take vengeance on all weapons dealers by marrying, betraying and abandoning them wherever they found them...

Yellocok, for unknown reasons, kept making left turns in his journey toward warmer lands, and eventually stopped wandering in what became the southeast Texas area where his descendants are said to still practice the family trade of folding towels for poofters...The descendants of both survivors have been known to cross paths from time to time, most notably in the Hobby Airport Bath House District of Houston...

Seen in the video below is what is believed to be a direct descendant of Nanookie carrying on the family law enforcement tradition by conducting a roadside interrogation of a suspect thought to be a distant relative of Yellocok...

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Man freed after being trapped in shop wall for three days...

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-30023739

A man believed to be a vacationing towel boy returning to his place of employment in South Houston, Texas has been freed from his entrapment in a hollow wall between a liquor store and a 24-hour lesbian massage parlor in Colorado...The man, who identified himself only as "Lefty," said he would have called for help earlier, but was actually eating better than at home, although the wall's interior wasn't quite as roomy as his shipping container home...

Questioned by police, he stated he had been living off half-eaten bags of Cheetos found in the wall, and breathing through holes which had mysteriously been drilled through the wall from the liquor store cashier's cubicle to the lesbian locker room...Police believe that part of his story is true since rescue workers had difficulty lifting him out of the wall due to an apparent weight gain after becoming trapped...

Still unclear is Lefty's reason for being in the wall as no sign of forced entry was found, and he may have fallen asleep shortly before the liquor store closed while shopping in the bargain aisle close to the Hamm's beer display...Police theorize he may have become disoriented after awakening in the dark, and attempted to climb over the wall towards the sounds of giggling and squealing coming from the massage parlor...

Also unclear is why Lefty's travel itinerary included a detour through Colorado when he was vacationing in Florida and returning home to the Hobby Airport area in Texas...Lefty's explanation was that a fugitive who looks just like him and has the same name apparently has active warrants in several states, so Lefty finds it advantageous to plan his trips to avoid passing through those states...

A police spokesman said that if Lefty's story checks out, he will be released on his own recognizance, much to the relief of the other inmates who are unaccustomed to his unusual smell which is said to be reminiscent of a greasy Taco Bell sack that had been repurposed as a barf bag...Shown below is a police photo of Lefty moments before his rescue from the wall...

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Lesbians Jam Each Other's Sonar While Date Hunting...

http://www.ndtv.com/article/offbeat/acoustic-warfare-bats-jam-each-other-s-sonar-while-bug-hunting-617860

Stunning new evidence has been presented in the relentless quest for new ways to get past the natural defense barriers put up by lesbians upon the approach of lust-minded towel boys and other lower life forms...Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory has concluded his latest observation of the mating/dating rituals of rugmunchers in their natural habitat of the all-female bath house...

Using a cleverly concealed periscope, newly constructed at great expense by Dr. Lefty's eighth grade nephew and science student Stiffy in exchange for a peek at the video notes accumulated in Dr. Lefty's research, he was able to draw new conclusions after his study...It was previously thought that lesbians had a method for diverting each other's attention in the presence of a particularly attractive newcomer to the covey, and this newest research confirms it...

From behind the cover of a potted cannabis plant in the hydroponic garden area of a popular Braniff Street lesbian spa, Dr. Lefty watched as a perfectly formed new arrival joined the nude yoga class of instructor Mazola McLeglock, and was immediately swarmed by the many nude, but seriously overweight attendees who vied for her attention...Previously Dr. Lefty had noticed the lesbians' curious ritual of placing their own tongues in the ears of their competitors, and with the aid of his powerful new periscope, he determined the reason...

Each lesbian was attempting to "jam the sonar" of their rivals by burying a wad of Dubble Bubble gum in the ears of the others...Dr. Lefty's observations were halted at this point as he attempted to adjust the prototype periscope's mirrors (obtained by Stiffy from his mom's makeup kit), when he felt a blinding pain and lost consciousness...

When Dr. Lefty regained his composure, he found himself inexplicably nude, handcuffed to a Montrose area fireplug with the word "pervert" written in lipstick on his forehead...The investigation into the attack is ongoing by the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium's chief of security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, who reports the only new evidence is a broken Louisville slugger found in the locker of newly hired perimeter guard, midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny of the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...

Shown below is one of Stiffy's first attempts at periscope construction installed in his sister's bathroom, said to be part of a science project for school...

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Beer exec Hamm ordered to pay ex-wife $1B...

http://thehill.com/policy/energy-environment/223628-oil-exec-hamm-ordered-to-pay-ex-wife-1b

In a stunning setback, the patriarch of the Hamm's Brewing Co. family has been ordered to pay his ex-wife the sum of one billion dollars in a historic divorce settlement...As the scion of the family fortune and guardian of the secret (although distorted by centuries of mishandling) formula for Hamm's beer, Hocker Hamm thought his position was safe until he was thwarted by an unhappy, and unfaithful wife...

To briefly recap family history, Hamm's beer has been a favorite beverage of bath house towel boys and men's room attendants since the first batch was brewed by an escaped Egyptian slave, Igoleft the Lesser...Since those first successful years, its quality slipped to the point where today even the most generous of beer critics refer to it as "rancid swill," and yet it has inexplicably lost none of its popularity in bath house commissaries...

But Hocker Hamm mistakenly became convinced that no misbehavior on his part could ever drive a wedge between himself and his wife, Lickreesha...Becoming convinced that Hocker's frequent overnight bath house visits were more than mere business trips, Lickreesha began a liaison with professional nude oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, and shortly thereafter filed for divorce...

The epic courtroom battle between famed divorce attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. representing Hocker, and the recently reinstated Cascade Kitchen Counselor for Lickreesha, took place before Judge SBA who was recalled to the bench because of his vast experience in divorce cases, mostly his own...After several evidentiary hearings in which Judge SBA considered the bribe offerings from both sides of the courtroom, he decided in favor of Lickreesha on her promise of an antique player piano for the judge's personal collection...

In addition, a complete liquidation of Hocker Hamm's assets was ordered to be administered by the auction house of Lefty & RHM, Ltd...The auctioneers will collect their standard commissions from the sales, less a mandatory kickback to be credited to the judge's Spec's Liquor Store revolving account...

Speaking from the auction house headquarters located in a converted shipping container behind Judge SBA's palatial Braniff Street mansion, auctioneer Lefty responded to questions concerning whether Hamm's beer quality will continue to slip in popularity and quality...Lefty offered this statement, "Well, it still tastes OK if it's cold enough, but the best thing you can say about is, it ain't Coors"...

Pictured below is Judge SBA, still in his courtroom attire, enjoying the new addition to his antique piano collection...

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Mormon Church founder had 40 wives; Renegade cult leader says, "So what?"...

http://latino.foxnews.com/latino/news/2014/11/11/mormon-church-admits-its-founder-had-as-many-as-40-wives/

As the Mormon Church makes a long awaited admission about the family life of its founder, one of its former members, who left the church to form his own sect in the Moab Desert  has called the deceased leader a "rank amateur"...Now known as Father X, the enigmatic hooded figure spoke from his new 25-room pastor's quarters located between his Coors distributorship and his antique motorcycle museum where he resides with his main wife, Sister Ninja, and a rotating roster of at least 12 of his lesser wives...

"I don't know exactly how many wives I currently have," he stated for the record, "You might be able to get this week's tally from my accountant"...He went on to say that although he has never been divorced, he personally knows of some gentiles who may have had as many wives, although all one at a time...

As examples he mentioned an elderly, eccentric former airline owner and currently piano-roll museum operator in the Hobby Airport area who had many wives in countries around the world, as well as a reclusive former gun dealer and forum administrator who reached the maximum number of marriages and divorces allowed in Texas, and was forced to retreat to a county which is in the process of seceding from the state...

Until his sudden exit from the Utah government in disgrace, Father X was a devout member of the Mormon Church, and a minor, although corrupt, employee in the governor's office...As his participation in a counterfeit Coors ration card scheme became known, he resigned and claims to have wandered in the desert until he saw a vision of St. Britney beckoning him to an oasis...

Upon obtaining a franchise and ordination as a priest from Bishop Lefty of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity, he began building his compound at the oasis where he holds worship services to St. Britney in a darkened video arcade, and anoints himself several times a day with a golden grain nectar imported from Colorado...He accepts new devotees regularly, and encourages them to tithe up to 90% of their earthly riches in exchange for the promise of the chance to worship at St. Britney's altar...

Answering questions concerning the sect's beliefs, Father X stated that although Bishop Lefty's bylaws do not restrict his marriages to one sex or even one species, he made the decision to only enrich the lives of younger, beautiful human females by allowing them to enter holy wedlock with him...Pictured below is the wedding cake used in Father X's latest wedding last Tuesday morning...

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Cute chick rover: A new way to spy on shy lesbians...

http://www.godanriver.com/news/national/wire/cute-chick-rover-a-new-way-to-spy-on-shy/article_80779fe7-7027-55fd-9446-a112b2d13d8f.html

The latest adventure undertaken by the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has been enhanced by the addition of a prototype of the new "cute chick rover" from the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory...The device, which resembles a toy recently released for Christmas sales, has no connection with a recent shoplifting reported at the South Houston Toys 'R' Us according to the laboratory's spokesman, Dr. RHM...

The Institute's Professor Lefty is said to be delighted by the contribution, and says he expects to uncover previously unseen lesbian assets...Professor Lefty explained, "Our previous efforts into this habitat involved a clandestine peephole secretly drilled into a locker room wall, but the lesbians became aware of our observation resulting in black eyes for a few of us researchers"...The professor said the "rover" will be outfitted as a mobile soap dispenser robot, and is expected to be able to operate without detection in lesbian hot tub and massage rooms...

Professor Lefty said the real test will come as he attempts to observe the nude yoga classes in the closely guarded nudist lesbian complex of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...He said although the access from the male poofter side of the bath house is guarded by the easily bribed security official, Big "Tiny" Balsac, his previous attempts at observation were quickly halted by the sharp-eyed midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny of the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...

According to Professor Lefty, the deputy quickly sounded the alarm in her squeaky, annoying voice which alerted yoga instructor and nude lesbian oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, who threatened the observation team with loss of body parts as well as recording equipment...Professor Lefty says this time his observation will be done in the safety of his own headquarters in a converted shipping container behind a nearby Braniff Street mansion via the internet and his laptop computer...

Shown here is a video of the test trials of a submersible version of the "cute chick rover" being considered for research into lesbian hot tub activities...

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