Hobby Airport doctor says vacation pecker the next big thing in plastic surgery...

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/features/gone-viral/os-nyc-doctor-says-vacation-breasts-the-next-big-thing-in-plastic-surgery-20141113-embeddedvideo.html

Dr. Tchytz of the Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop has announced a further "extension", so to speak, of his successful Hobby Airport medical and sport fishing enterprise...Noting that his sex change business produces more raw material than his bait shop, run by manager Lefty, can sell, the entrepreneur doctor has entered the "vacation prosthesis" business...

Taking his cue from plastic surgeons offering "vacation breasts" to women wanting to augment their beach presence with bigger, temporary boobs, Dr. Tchytz' research showed that vacationing poofters would enjoy a larger profile on their gay nude beaches as well...Securing a contract with the Jimmy Dean sausage packing company for their surplus, unused sausage casings, Dr. Tchytz did his prototype work on his own bait shop manager, Lefty...

The doctor found that the sausage casings came in a variety of colors and shades to match any ethnicity or degree of sunburn...When fastened to the patient's own protuberance with super glue and kite string, the doctor filled it with leftover parts from his gender reassignment patients who no longer needed them, and which were unsuitable as sand shark bait...

The doctor then added a tube for drainage which also provided some rigidity, and tied off the end at whatever length the patient contracted for...He offers a two week guarantee that other poofters won't be able to discern the artificial nature of the prosthesis on the beach, although he advises carrying a Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausage Biscuit to explain the noticeable smell of the casing...

The doctor does warn however that Lefty's experience with the prototype has shown that excessive consumption of Hamm's beer has caused some premature corrosion in the unit's drainage tube...He advises a beverage with a higher water content, such as Coors...

Just as the women's "vacation breasts" will deflate to normal size after their holiday, the "vacation pecker" will return to its normal size also, but if the globetrotting poofter times it right, he can have an extra snack on the plane ride home...Pictured below is a happy poofter vacationer protecting his temporary assets from the sun's rays on the beach...

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5,000-Year-Old Poofter Footprints Discovered in Denmark...

http://www.wallstreetotc.com/5000-year-old-human-footprints-discovered-denmark/212400/

Professor Lefty of the highly regarded Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has announced another stunning discovery in the quest for information concerning early bath house history...While following leads on the origins of the high concentration of Danish transgender surgery, the professor and his team stumbled into the possible remains of an early poofter shower room...

A now dry watercourse at one time created a waterfall over an enclosed clay bottomed pit where it is theorized that prehistoric poofters gathered to shower...Professor Lefty pointed out clear footprints left in the clay where one of the occupants dropped a bar of soap while another walked up behind him and made an overt connection...

Other footprints indicated an audience had gathered as the ritual progressed, and the professor even found a petrified bar of Dove-scented soap stuck in the clay floor...When asked how he could be certain of his findings, the professor said, "Believe me, I know what the scene of a surprise rear entry looks like, and this evidence is so clear I can almost imagine being there"...

Still unclear is the underlying reason of why so much transgender surgery was concentrated in the Denmark area...Some theorists point to legends of a fierce, red-haired midget lesbian who performed male organ amputations on a nearby stone altar, but this practice may have stemmed from her hatred for men, particularly weapons peddlers...

Other evidence of note includes the odd footprints pictured below which were embedded in the shower room area depicting male footprints dragging a large object between the feet...Professor Lefty's research assistant, Dr. RHM, eagerly volunteered to examine the findings...

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Russian laundry ministry says poofter patrols will reach Gulf of Mexico...

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2014/11/13/russian-defense-ministry-says-bomber-patrols-will-reach-gulf-mexico/

In an embarrassing turn of events for the Obama administration, it has been learned that UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty has been tracked by the Russian Ministry of Laundry through his own laundry marks as well as skidmarks all the way to the Gulf of Mexico during his recent international travels...The nature of the diplomatic mission demands stealth and a low profile by members of the diplomatic corps, yet Lefty's activities have always been front page news and easily tracked...

Known as a "man of the people," Ambassador Lefty seldom restricts his moves to embassy approved locations, and frequently visits the bath houses, nudist facilities and houses of horizontal refreshment in his assigned locales...Taking its cues from its Chinese counterparts, the Russian Laundry Ministry has built a dossier of Lefty's movements using his own laundry marks as he visits men's rooms, exotic dance facilities and peep shows in his travels...

Using his diplomatic cover, Ambassador Lefty was able to make a refueling stop in Cuba, and quickly took the opportunity to fill his diplomatic pouch with an assortment of Cuban cigars at the duty-free shop using his White House issued VISA card...The report of his activities was already front page news as Lefty's plane touched down at Hobby Airport, and was met by a blue-helmeted chauffeur in a limousine with UN license plates...

Lefty was delivered to his converted shipping container home behind a Braniff Street mansion belonging to a retired airline owner, which has been designated as a UN Embassy and therefore protected by law...Attempts to get a statement from the mansion's eccentric, reclusive owner were met by a rolling pin wielding young woman who, although beautiful, had an angry no-nonsense look causing most reporters to reconsider and seek easier stories...

Pictured below is one young reporter who mistakenly thought he could sweet talk the mansion owner's daughter into giving him an opportunity at an exclusive story...He is said to be on convalescent leave for an undetermined length of time as his insurance company is uncertain whether his policy covers rolling-pin welts...

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Wal-Mart's U.S. same-sex sales show first growth in seven quarters...

http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/11/13/us-walmart-results-idUSKCN0IX1BV20141113

WalMart's strange experiment to raise awareness of its same-sex business enterprise has finally produced a profit in its men's room spinoff using a well known male lingerie boutique as its business model...An audit of the tip jar in WalMart's Hobby Airport location showed seven quarters in addition to the slugs and Burger King coupons usually deposited by patrons for services rendered by the greeter/attendant...

As part of his ongoing community service obligation to prevent his bond revocation, frequent offender Lefty was assigned as greeter/attendant since he was already familiar with the successful methods of his brother, RHM, in his position as men's room attendant at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...As he was correcting the spelling on some graffiti in one of the stalls, a well known elderly, although eccentric, resident of Braniff Street entered...

Remembering his instructions from RHM, Lefty offered to take the client's coat for cleaning and pressing during his visit...Lefty, noticing the client had entered the stall with a Taco Bell lunch sack, a JC Whitney catalog and a magic marker, figured the gentleman would be occupied for some time, and left to talk to the chubby, yet attractive lesbian layaway clerk...

On his return, the store manager was waiting for him, and demanded Lefty's explanation for a complaint from an irate, elderly client identifying himself as a volunteer advisor to Houston's City Council who protested he lost a valuable Men's Wearhouse coat exactly like the one Lefty was wearing, containing $1.75 in quarters, the exact amount found in Lefty's tip jar...Pending investigation, Lefty was placed on administrative leave, and accepted an unpaid internship as a clerk's helper in the layaway department...

Pictured below is Rosa Martinez-Hernandez con Sanchez, temporarily reassigned from mop duty to men's room attendant until management makes a decision on Lefty's future with WalMart...

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U.S. Poofter Service Names First Lesbian Poofmaster General...

http://online.wsj.com/articles/u-s-postal-service-names-first-female-postmaster-general-1415977837

Lame duck US President Obama, in an effort to appease the gay/lesbian community over this week's errors in international poofter relations, and to ensure his place in history, has named the first lesbian US Poofmaster General...Outgoing Poofmaster Leroi LeBoi announced his retirement to open a string of high-end gay bars named "Nancybois" with celebrity co-partners Tom Cruise and John Travolta...

The President said in his press statement that replacing LeBoi was not easy, but he places his confidence in longtime government employee, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian who has worked at all levels of government, usually until her superiors can find a way to get rid of her...Obama said that Ms. Bunny will bring a new attitude to the job, as well as a new altitude since the top of her head is zipper-level for most of her co-poofters...

In introducing Ms. Bunny, the President apologized for resting his Hamm's beer can on top of her head, and said he was momentarily confused by her new flattop hairdo which caused him to mistake her for a beverage table...In her shrill, annoying voice, Ms. Bunny accepted the apology, and said she intends to bring a new level of service to the position of Poofmaster General since she is already at eye level with the center of attraction in most poofter relations...

UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty applauded the President's choice in his usual diplomatic manner, "I do all the work pulling this lame duck's pecker out of the frying pan, and he gives this cherry of a job to this lesbo?...Something's going on under the table for sure"...

Pictured below is the new Poofmaster General delivering her acceptance speech in her squeaky, irritating voice from behind the presidential podium...

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Obama meets Suk Yui, prods Burma on erections...

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2014/11/14/obama-reforms-burma/19012941/

President Obama, again showing his diplomatic ineptitude, has aroused the anger of yet another nation on his worldwide "good will" tour...Even after being thoroughly briefed (using Jockey briefs made in Sri Lanka) by UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty, the President committed a serious breach of protocol during his "hot tub summit" with Burmese President Suk Yui...

Obama began the meeting with a misstep when he tried to enter Suk Yui's presidential hot tub while still wearing his bulletproof towel, but quickly handed it to a Secret Service agent, explaining that he was reluctant to embarrass the Burmese leader by encouraging a comparison of their equipment differences in the press...That faux pas was politely passed over by Suk Yui, but what occurred next could not be easily ignored...

President Obama was unfamiliar with the Hindu practice of allowing animals into poofter hot tubs during the "blessing of the waters" ceremony, and when Suk Yui led the nation's sacred goat (also named Burma) into the tub, the obviously excited American leader began to prod the surprised goat who quickly jumped out of the tub...Obama, realizing his serious error in protocol, tried to explain to the enraged Suk Yui that he was merely trying to help the goat to a seat in the tub, but the damage was done, and the meeting was quickly called off...

Suk Yui later issued a press statement saying, "President Obama thinks he can screw our sacred goats just like he does the American taxpayer!"...Ambassador Lefty sent a gift basket of Dove soap and IKEA towels to the Burmese presidential palace later, and scheduled a luncheon with Suk Yui over a sack of Taco Bell vegetarian burritos and a sixer of Hamm's beer, but said privately that Mr. Obama had "really stepped in it this time"...

Ambassador Lefty told reporters later that even his skill and long time experience in poofter diplomacy had failed him and he was forced to call in the one man in the world who might be able to smooth over this difficulty...Asian peace hopes now hang on whether the revered Hindu philosopher, Rama Lamba Ernest, can be coaxed from his tranquil hills in Gonzales County to settle the dispute in a peaceful manner...

Shown below, President Obama has ordered a fleet of C-17 cargo planes to stand by ready to transport Rama Lamba Ernest and his entire flock of goats to Burma in an attempt to avert the crisis...

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US bath house industry cheers China IT trade deal progress...

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/tech/tech-news/US-tech-industry-cheers-China-IT-trade-deal-progress/articleshow/45124505.cms  

Cheers went up from all sides as President Obama and Ambassador Lefty announced that agreement was reached with China's Minister of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung, concerning the touchy subject of IT (Imported Towels)...The international poofter community has always agreed that the finest towels must be imported from Sweden where the IKEA textile mills blend the best hand picked Egyptian cotton with wool from contented goats tended by a renowned goat whisperer known only as Ernest...

Not to be outdone, the Norwegian poofter contingent has announced a hostile bid to take over the high-end serviette industry by enlisting longtime fugitive, and best-selling author, Ifar Toften to represent their interests at the bargaining table...Although INTERPOOF, the gay crimes investigative agency, has warrants issued for Mr. Toften's arrest throughout the civilized world, he has managed to elude capture by bribery or influence, and even diplomatic immunity as a credentialed diplomat representing the Norwegian bath house industry...

Ambassador Lefty was selected to speak for the American poofter community due to his well chosen words and ability to speak with diplomacy, "This flaming homo, Toften, might as well be wagging his pecker at the rest of the world to think he can get away with grabbing up the best towel contracts...There are a lot of bribes riding on this business, and I'm not giving back a nickel of it"...

President Obama is enjoying the new alliances he made in the Beijing hot tubs, and has pledged his cooperation with any lame-duck executive orders that are paid for in cash...China's Minister of Laundry said, "Stinky Scandinavian poofter think he smart guy...We put him to work in Chinese labor camp...Him see"...

But as sabres are rattled and threats are exchanged across oceans, the key to settlement of the dispute may lay with a simple goat whisperer named Ernest who tends the herds which yield the wool for the towel mills...Since his conversion to Hinduism at the Gonzales County Temple, he seeks only peace through non-violence and his unique animal husbandry practices...

Scholars and philosophers are in debate as to the underlying meaning of his words when told of the international conflict, "Someone bring me and Sweet Thang another cold Corona"...Now known as Rama Lamba Ernest, the goatherder is shown below in his earlier days as a beauty contest judge...

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