In an embarrassing turn of events for the Obama administration, it has been learned that UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty has been tracked by the Russian Ministry of Laundry through his own laundry marks as well as skidmarks all the way to the Gulf of Mexico during his recent international travels...The nature of the diplomatic mission demands stealth and a low profile by members of the diplomatic corps, yet Lefty's activities have always been front page news and easily tracked...
Known as a "man of the people," Ambassador Lefty seldom restricts his moves to embassy approved locations, and frequently visits the bath houses, nudist facilities and houses of horizontal refreshment in his assigned locales...Taking its cues from its Chinese counterparts, the Russian Laundry Ministry has built a dossier of Lefty's movements using his own laundry marks as he visits men's rooms, exotic dance facilities and peep shows in his travels...
Using his diplomatic cover, Ambassador Lefty was able to make a refueling stop in Cuba, and quickly took the opportunity to fill his diplomatic pouch with an assortment of Cuban cigars at the duty-free shop using his White House issued VISA card...The report of his activities was already front page news as Lefty's plane touched down at Hobby Airport, and was met by a blue-helmeted chauffeur in a limousine with UN license plates...
Lefty was delivered to his converted shipping container home behind a Braniff Street mansion belonging to a retired airline owner, which has been designated as a UN Embassy and therefore protected by law...Attempts to get a statement from the mansion's eccentric, reclusive owner were met by a rolling pin wielding young woman who, although beautiful, had an angry no-nonsense look causing most reporters to reconsider and seek easier stories...
Pictured below is one young reporter who mistakenly thought he could sweet talk the mansion owner's daughter into giving him an opportunity at an exclusive story...He is said to be on convalescent leave for an undetermined length of time as his insurance company is uncertain whether his policy covers rolling-pin welts...
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