Poofter leaders approve millions in bath house repairs...

http://www.kake.com/home/headlines/Wichita-leaders-approve-millions-in-road-repairs-295255711.html

The Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium has approved their annual repair budget allocating almost two million dollars for a new conference table and executive chairs for the Board of Directors, and $128.00 for whatever repairs are needed for the members' facilities for 2015...Newly hired handyman, Gristmill Mikey, said he has worked for cheaper bosses in his career and would make do...

The former bad-boy outlaw biker and now-reformed prison parolee accepted as his first assignment the filling in of several freshly drilled peepholes from the towel boys' locker room into the nude lesbian yoga classroom, where it is suspected chief towel boy Lefty was selling peeks at the women...

After filling the holes and taping and floating in less than ten minutes, he said he would return the next day to paint the wall, and suggested hiding the battery to Lefty's cordless Dewalt power drill...Midget lesbian security guard Dumpy Bunny was so impressed she began flirting with the repairman, who took one look and advised her to find a nice gun dealer somewhere and settle down...

Another female admirer was itinerant tattoo artist and leather fetishist Sidecar Sophie, who complimented Mikey on his bronze colored, copper riveted antique leather clothing...As it turned out the clothing was actually Mikey's own skin, and he explained he is so tough he wears out clothing from the inside out...Not having the budget for new clothes every day, his only garment, besides his tool belt and engineer boots, is a chainmail loincloth he fashioned himself from Harley-Davidson drivechain links...

At one time feared as the toughest inmate in any prison, Gristmill Mikey was once crossing the prison exercise yard when he paused to find a match for his freshly rolled Bull Durham cigarette...A newly arrived inmate, wishing to earn a reputation, chose this moment to strike Mikey in the jaw with a 40 pound dumbbell...

The resulting spark when the steel hit his chin ignited the end of Mikey's cigarette, and he thanked the puzzled prisoner for the light and continued his walk...Shown below, Mikey arrives with a date at his home behind a Braniff Street mansion where the reclusive owner converted his priceless shipping container collection into a halfway-house for parolees to accommodate a sudden zoning change...

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Public Disclosure...

Frequent contributor to this news service Reporter Dan has inadvertently sent the following obviously personal memo to this editor, thereby making it fair game for publishing (expletives and names of innocent parties removed):

"Dear R****** ...  The doctors state my dermatology skin problems resulted from exposure to the sun in my youth.  Medical extrapolation indicates your delirium problems resulted from exposure to the violin in your youth. While most young violinists, who are candidates for delirium, avoid later problems by becoming rock guitarists; which basically involves adding a 5th string to the instrument and adding bodily gyrations. In your case, it is obviously too late to switch to the guitar. However, your current violinitus may be remedied by tricking the brain into assuming you are cured. The method for this brain retreading is to buy a violin and practice enough to get on 'American Idol'. Then, during your first appearance before the TV audience, you stop in mid-performance, and shout "Frig this friggin'violin s*** !", throw  the violin to the floor, and then stomp it to splinters. This move is so therapeutic that Dr. Phil will feature you on his show as an example of modern miracles in mental health. I know the above information will be of extreme benefit to you, and look forward to your return to normalesence.

Capt. Dan, and Dr. Tchytz, consultant."

Editor's note for publication and forwarding to competent, concerned mental health professionals:

"Dan, we understand you tried that method with the piano, and had failed to take into account that your tuner, Lefty, had fallen asleep inside the piano...When said stomping began, the sudden return to consciousness so traumatized him, he became incapacitated and his pants became unmentionable...

This is why the court ordered him into your sole care, custody and control, and why to this day, you continue to support him and his needs in the converted Maersk shipping container on your estate grounds...It is additionally the underlying reason that Dr. Phil recommended that Dr. Tchytz's request be approved to open his clinic on Braniff Street and clandestinely maintain observation on both of you for the proper authorities..."

Pictured below is a still frame from the remaining celluloid recording by early cinematographer, Mack Sennett, showing Reporter Dan in the premiere episode of "American Vaudeville Idol" just prior to his sudden violent, unhinged demonstration...

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Taco Bell Makes Runs for Japan’s Border...

http://www.wsj.com/articles/taco-bell-makes-a-run-for-japans-border-1424935193

Making a serious bid for the Asian poofter market, Taco Bell announces the start of construction on several new restaurants adjacent to popular gay bath houses in Tokyo...Japan's Poofter Minister (PM) "Abe" welcomes the change in menu for poofters saying, "We tired  of fish tacos all time, lesbian side of bath house smell like tuna boat anyway"...

It is believed "Abe" (who, like other Japanese poofter leaders, assumed the name of an American President) was referring to the poofter favorite, Green Chili Burritos, from the Taco Bell menu...The delicacy was all but unheard of in Asia until gay dictator, Kim Jong-un of North Korea, brought it to Asia's attention by banning it in his country under penalty of beheading...

But thanks to the diplomatic inroads made by Chinese Minister of Laundry Lef Ti, North Korean bath houses now serve the item to preferred clients on a strict rationing basis...Penalties for over-consumption have been reduced from mandatory death to long sentences of chopping kindling for Kim's wood-fired hot tubs...

UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty is slated for the grand opening of the first Tokyo Taco Bell, and will be presented a symbolic key to the city's men's room by PM "Abe"...The traditional trade of BJ's between the two dignitaries will be performed by recently reinstated Trade Minister Sukyu Longdime, who as a lesbian accepted the assignment as atonement for her attempted coup over "Abe"...

Pictured below, the first Japanese Taco Bell prepares for big crowds on opening day with additional essential service facilities...

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Muffdiver survives mid-air seizure...

http://www.skynews.com.au/news/national/2015/03/02/skydiver-survives-mid-air-seizure.html

A chance passing by entrepreneur and presidential candidate Phillbo may have been all that saved a towel boy and amateur muffdiving champion from an untimely demise...The incident occurred 12,000 feet above the Arizona desert where members of the Olympic muffdiving team were attempting to set a new nude freefall record while maintaining a number of Kama Sutra positions simultaneously...

Olympic athlete and athletic supporter Lefty followed nude lesbian oil wrestler Mazola McLeglock out of the aircraft closely pursued by gay pornstar Arnold Swollenpecker, who was acting as official timekeeper and photographer...After starting his stopwatch, Swollenpecker noticed it had not been calibrated, and quickly decided to synchronize with Lefty's timepiece...

Lefty is known for wearing his Bulova on his phallic member since it is a self-winding movement, and is more likely to stay accurate in that location...Lefty and Ms. McLeglock had already begun their sequence of movements, and as Swollenpecker seized the watch, Lefty thought his dive partner was introducing a new twist to their routine...

Enjoying the moment, he lost track of their altitude and momentarily forgot about pulling the ripcord...Fortunately for all, presidential hopeful Phillbo was passing in freefall from the International Space Station where he had hung a banner from the ISS advertising his candidacy...

Instantly realizing what was happening below him, and calculating he had just enough time to avert a tragedy, he deployed his wingsuit and guided his fall towards the trio where he managed to pull Lefty's ripcord while Swollenpecker was still pulling the towel boy's manhood...The resulting sudden jerk from the chute opening failed to loosen Swollenpecker's grip, but Phillbo still scooped up Ms. McLeglock and carried her to safety with his own parachute, landing in a nearby nudist resort...

As of this writing, Lefty is still in traction at a local long term care facility where he is said to have temporarily lost interest in any amorous activities...Mr. Swollenpecker reports he still has Lefty's Bulova and will return it to him when he resumes duty at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

Meanwhile Phillbo modestly told reporters he didn't consider himself a hero, having done the same thing any other well-qualified presidential candidate would have done...Ms. McLeglock is said to be enjoying her new fame, and has accepted a position as nude yoga instructor for the lesbians at the nudist resort where she landed...

Shown below, Ms. McLeglock and her class pose to say hello to Lefty just before entering the shower after a yoga session...Lefty is said to have asked for additional pain killers after seeing the picture...

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MillerCoors Will Release Gluten-Free Coors in Moab Desert...

http://www.thedailymeal.com/news/drink/millercoors-will-release-gluten-free-coors-peak-copper-lager-seattle-and-portland/011315

The normally publicity-shy leader of a crackpot splinter religion, who at this time of year is normally preparing his flock for the annual St. Britney's Day parade, has spoken out against the brewing giant's financial decision in marketing its new product in his diocese...Father X, spiritual guide for worshipers of St. Britney, the icon of his offshoot of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity, says that his followers are tolerant of all beliefs, and he believes in accepting glutens and any other foreign currency as well as VISA and MasterCard in his offering plate...

He flatly states if Coors distributors fail to accept glutens in payment for their product, his parishioners will be able to convert their currency into scrip at his private bank at the normal exchange rate (less a nominal service charge)...Worshipers will then be able to use the scrip to purchase Coors from Father X's own liquor store inside his sect's compound...

Father X also wishes to remind the devout that Bishop Lefty and his nudist lesbian nuns will lead the annual St. Britney's Day parade terminating at his tabernacle where all worshipers will be anointed with 12 ounce cans of holy nectar after depositing their offerings...The holy man will also accept love offerings of cases of Coors to be used in his daily rituals in which he cleanses his soul as well as his liver...

Shown below is Father X's private altar in his vicarage after a weekend sabbatical of meditation...

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Vatican apologizes to Hobby Airport over pope's comment on burrito trafficking...

http://www.latimes.com/world/mexico-americas/la-fg-pope-francis-mexico-20150225-story.html

In a statement from the Vatican news office, the Pope has issued an apology to the board of regents of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, for remarks taken out of context, and misquoted by Father Lefty of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity...While placing his order at the drive-thru window of the newly opened Taco Bell in Rome from his armored Popemobile, His Imminence remarked to his driver that it would be a sin not to get through traffic while his burrito was still warm to resume his hobby of watching "Crime Scene Investigation" reruns on Vatican TV...

The drive-thru clerk, who is also a first year Latin student at Rome's Gina Lollobrigida H.S., repeated the Pope's words, and by the time the quote had reached the Hobby Airport area, it had lost some of its meaning through garbled translation...Father Lefty, at his daily "blessing of the waters" ritual in the South Houston WalMart men's room where he does court-ordered community service by scrubbing off graffiti, mentioned he had heard the Pope thinks burrito trafficking in the Hobby Airport area is a sinful crime, and thinks all non-devout TV's (transvestites) should be excommunicated...

By the time he reported to his job at the bath house after services, the crossdressing parishioners were in an uproar...The Vatican has assured the militant homos of Braniff Street that the only penance required for their burrito consumption might be taking an additional Beano® with their "hail marys" and that reports of the formal defrocking of Father Lefty are premature if he will check his frock for skidmarks before turning it in at the laundry...

Shown below the visiting Monsignor RHM checks His Imminence' cassock for embarrassing skidmarks before boarding the Popemobile for his morning pilgrimage to McDonald's for an Egg McMuffin...

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Poofter Aliens May Exist On Saturn's Moon Titan, Breathing Methane Instead Of Oxygen...

http://www.bustle.com/articles/67157-aliens-may-exist-on-saturns-moon-titan-breathing-methane-instead-of-oxygen-and-surviving-freezing-temperatures

Dr. Lefty, chief researcher of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory and a leading expert on moons, has announced a startling discovery of the possibility of the existence of poofter life forms on the planet Saturn's moon...Dr. Lefty, himself a major producer of methane gas due to his exclusive Taco Bell bean burrito diet, has theorized that poofter life forms can exist breathing a pure atmosphere of methane...

He says he has proved his theory as he returns to his laboratory at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium after lunch where clients relax in steamrooms amid clouds of gaseous emissions...Having learned over the years to exist within his own mostly methane atmosphere, he believes that aliens on other planets and moons could evolve in this manner also...

He believes that oxygen may be non-existent or negligible on poofter moons, allowing them to light their cigars inside their bath houses without the need to go outdoors...He has noted the plumes of steam gushing from the overlying clouds on Saturn's moon lending credence to his theory they may be excess steam and El Producto smoke from the exhaust fans of their bath houses...

Dr. Lefty's plans include more research on the many moons available to his studies, especially those found in the nude lesbian pilates classes led by his research assistant, Mazola McLeglock...Shown below is Dr. Lefty compiling first hand evidence during his field research on exotic moons...

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