Public Disclosure...

Frequent contributor to this news service Reporter Dan has inadvertently sent the following obviously personal memo to this editor, thereby making it fair game for publishing (expletives and names of innocent parties removed):

"Dear R****** ...  The doctors state my dermatology skin problems resulted from exposure to the sun in my youth.  Medical extrapolation indicates your delirium problems resulted from exposure to the violin in your youth. While most young violinists, who are candidates for delirium, avoid later problems by becoming rock guitarists; which basically involves adding a 5th string to the instrument and adding bodily gyrations. In your case, it is obviously too late to switch to the guitar. However, your current violinitus may be remedied by tricking the brain into assuming you are cured. The method for this brain retreading is to buy a violin and practice enough to get on 'American Idol'. Then, during your first appearance before the TV audience, you stop in mid-performance, and shout "Frig this friggin'violin s*** !", throw  the violin to the floor, and then stomp it to splinters. This move is so therapeutic that Dr. Phil will feature you on his show as an example of modern miracles in mental health. I know the above information will be of extreme benefit to you, and look forward to your return to normalesence.

Capt. Dan, and Dr. Tchytz, consultant."

Editor's note for publication and forwarding to competent, concerned mental health professionals:

"Dan, we understand you tried that method with the piano, and had failed to take into account that your tuner, Lefty, had fallen asleep inside the piano...When said stomping began, the sudden return to consciousness so traumatized him, he became incapacitated and his pants became unmentionable...

This is why the court ordered him into your sole care, custody and control, and why to this day, you continue to support him and his needs in the converted Maersk shipping container on your estate grounds...It is additionally the underlying reason that Dr. Phil recommended that Dr. Tchytz's request be approved to open his clinic on Braniff Street and clandestinely maintain observation on both of you for the proper authorities..."

Pictured below is a still frame from the remaining celluloid recording by early cinematographer, Mack Sennett, showing Reporter Dan in the premiere episode of "American Vaudeville Idol" just prior to his sudden violent, unhinged demonstration...

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