Shortfall...

Field reporter Dan has filed this brief, "The CPA at the Splendora Poofter & Lesbian Steam Bath & Massage Parlor just reported a shortfall in the cash register accounts. As Acting-Cashier-in-Training Lefty was explaining this, his shorts fell down and a large amount of currency was noted..."

Update: The problem was exacerbated further by Lefty (against the orders of his doctor and his mother) when it was found his sister, Slinky, who serves as the Hot Tub Temperature Control Manager, has been billing the poofters and lesbos extra for use of the unisex tubs when it was made clear that the co-ed tubs were for discount use...Slinky and Lefty plotted to pocket the difference, but, neither one had pockets in their regulation bath house thongs...Both are being subjected to probes in this investigation...

Pictured below is Lefty's sister Slinky attempting unsuccessfully to hide her assets...

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Rev. Swifty facing charges in church court...

http://www.msnbc.com/thomas-roberts/tried-loving-gay-son

The Most Reverend Swifty of the Montrose Methodist Church of Lower Westheimer is facing serious charges in court after officiating in the marriage between his own son Lefty and a pre-op transvestite dancer...Says the Rev, "If they had waited another week until after the operation by Dr. Tchytz of the Hobby Airport Sex Change Clinic & Sausage Casing Factory, it would have been legal"...

Rev. Swifty's other son, RHM, served as flower girl in the wedding, and also furnished the formal wedding attire from his/her male lingerie boutique...Rev. Swifty, who also operates Swifty's All Night Bail Bond & Repo Service, is said to thinking of conversion to the Temple Of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity if his expected defrocking takes place...

Swifty's daughter, Slinky, is Lesbian Mother Superior at the Temple's nudist nun convent on Braniff Street where all parishioners are defrocked as well as debriefed upon entry...Sister Slinky is shown below explaining the convent's "nun for all, and all for nun" policy to a new convert...

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Lefty's employment record...

Prior to holding several positions (some acrobatic) at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, Lefty was briefly employed at his daddy's business, Swifty's All Night Bail Bond & Payday Loan Service...Lefty's job was collecting on delinquent accounts which he assumed he could take in trade...His daddy fired him when the cash register drawer got so sticky it wouldn't even open...

Update: Alert reader Dan reminds us,"Swifty, as you know, was charged with male fraud after posing as a lesbian while campaigning for Mayor Parker."

Editor's note: Swifty later claimed he was merely donating some hand-me-down clothing his daughter, Slinky, had outgrown to the Mayor's Rags For Rugmunchers program, although he couldn't explain why he was wearing one of the dresses...

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Britniac Population Projected to Match Druid by 2050...

http://www.wsj.com/articles/study-projects-growth-shifts-in-worlds-muslim-christian-populations-1427983415

In an indication of the rapid growth predicted by its high priest, Father X, the worshipers of St. Britney, a crackpot offshoot of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity (referred to as Britniacs by some), are expected to outnumber practicing Druids in the coming decades...Father X, founder of the sect and a former corrupt Utah state official, says he foresaw great things in a vision when he felt compelled to stop at an oasis in the Moab Desert near an abandoned pink Volvo...

His vision has now taken the form of an armored compound where the faithful may worship at the altar of St. Britney in a darkened video arcade after depositing their offerings by cash, check, electronic transfer or cases of Coors...After services, the congregation may browse through the duty-free Harley-Davidson or Sig Sauer dealerships, and arrange home delivery from the Coors Distributorship before departing, all within the walled compound...

Druid priestess Slinky, sister of Bishop Lefty from whom Father X obtained ordination after his check cleared the bank, admits seeing a drop in attendance of her own rituals of lesbian nudism...She states that some have even abandoned their faith to become the wives of Father X, and to serve his needs as his congregation grows...

An interview was attempted with Ninja Wife, leader and trainer of the so-called Lesser Wives, but like the others she hands out a card reading, "We only live to serve the will of Father X....He speaks for us"...A brochure in Father X's gift shop advertises classes in obedience training for the wives of male converts to the sect's beliefs, payable in one lump sum or extended terms with approved credit (travel expenses not included)...

Considerable interest is generated when the cloaked figure of Father X moves about the casinos of Las Vegas on one of his many pilgrimages, always followed at a respectful two paces behind by a group of his wives...Shown below, Father X speaks to a crowd of interested hopefuls as his wives wait dutifully behind him...

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Lefty, Other Poofter Icons to Be on 2015 Postage Stamps...

http://guardianlv.com/2014/02/steve-jobs-other-celebrity-icons-to-be-on-2015-postage-stamps/

The USPS (United States Poofter Service) has announced the commemorative stamps for next year...Towel boy Lefty, sissyweight prizefighter RHM and their sister Slinky, who was just named Mother Inferior of the nudist lesbian nun convent of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virtue, will adorn the 2015 poofter stamps...

The Obama administration has further announced that $580,000 will be saved by printing the stamps with no glue on the reverse side since recent polls show postal patrons will prefer to spit only on the side with the poofters' images...

Shown below, poofters and lesbos line up outside Hobby Airport post office to buy new stamps...

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HA performs world's first penis transplant...

http://mg.co.za/article/2015-03-14-sa-performs-worlds-first-penis-transplant

Always on the cutting edge (so to speak) of groundbreaking medical procedures, Dr. Tchytz of the Hobby Airport Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop has announced the first successful complete penile transplant in history...The unnamed recipient, rumored to be a local towel boy as well as Dr. Tchytz's bait shop manager, is reported to be in stable condition following a brief period of post-surgical missteps...

A spokesman for the clinic reports that visitations for the patient are now limited to family only, with the exception of his sister Slinky who suffers from a rare allergy to clothing...Referred to by the code name "Patient Lefty" to protect his identity, his surgical stitches were mysteriously breaking after visits from personnel from a nearby bath house, including Mazola McLeglock, Latrina and Sidecar Sophie...

The stitch ruptures finally abated completely when his cable TV privileges were reduced to only the Cartoon Network and the Hindu Channel, removing all porn channels...The donor of the transplanted organ is reported to be notorious mountain man "Bearclaw" Longmember, who was receiving a court-ordered lobotomy to reduce his amorous tendencies which were endangering forest creatures near Longmember's wilderness home...

Longmember first made the news in an unfortunate incident on national television, and soon gained the attention of PETA officials who filed suit on behalf of the local moose and grizzly population...At the time of the lobotomy, Dr. Tchytz discovered a direct nerve connection between Longmember's brain and his protuberance, and the decision was made to remove it all as a unit...

"Patient Lefty" was already admitted to the clinic as the result of a friendly bet with unfortunate consequences...A local lesbian oil wrestler had bragged of her ability to tie a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue, and after "Patient Lefty's" challenge, the resulting entanglement in his pants could not be untied even with the help of local girl scout leaders experienced in knots, and the transplant received approval from Obamacare...

Dr. Tchytz preserved the brain tissue and connecting nerve for further study in a conveniently located fleshy sack under the transplanted organ...Mr. Longmember is not expected to notice the missing organ except for some slight confusion during men's room visits, and he will be temporarily housed in the Houston Zoo for observation before being allowed to return to his forest home...

The disfigured tissue removed from "Patient Lefty" will be preserved under an agreement with a local piano-roll museum operator who will display it as a curiosity in the "Other Specimens" wing of his gallery inside a sealed jar of Hamm's beer...

"Patient Lefty" had requested the services of Nurse Paula who declined because she is under contract to presidential candidate Phillbo during his campaign...Instead Obamacare has assigned the visiting nurse pictured below as his attending professional...

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Woman ‘hit boyfriend in the head with baseball bat because she didn’t want to date him anymore’...

http://metro.co.uk/2015/04/15/woman-hit-boyfriend-in-the-head-with-baseball-bat-because-she-didnt-want-to-date-him-anymore-5152363/

In a press release from the office of Dr. Tchytz, Lefty wants his fan base to know he is feeling better and recovering from the mild concussion suffered from the latest rejection of his advances from lesbian powder room attendant, Latrina...After scoring two tickets for the afternoon batting practice at the nudist nun softball camp while cleaning out one of the lockers in the poofter hot tub lounge, Lefty said he was merely wanting to share his good fortune with his co-worker, Latrina...

Latrina stated later that she intended no harm to Lefty, but he accidentally timed his approach with her demonstration of her batting stance, and regrettably walked into the forestroke from her 42 ounce Louisville Slugger...She further said she had been assigned batting coach duty as her penance following confession of her sins to Mother Superior Slinky that same morning...

She regrets the pain caused to Lefty almost as much as the time it will take to get the Brylcreem stain off the Babe Ruth signature on her antique bat...Lefty declined her offer of the loan of her Miami Marlins baseball cap to hide the new, very visible mark on his head...

While waiting for his head to clear (to which possibility Dr.Tchytz declined comment), Lefty commissioned tattoo artist Sidecar Sophie for the inkwork pictured below to cover up the backward "Louisville Slugger" brand now permanently implanted on his head...Sidecar Sophie pronounced it some of her best work since there have been no complaints of misspelling...

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Handmade items featured at bath house...

http://www.arkansasonline.com/news/2013/sep/15/handmade-items-be-presented-bathhouse/?f=trilakes

RHM announces his newest business enterprise with the opening of a unisex boutique at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Lesbians and poofters alike are invited to browse through the selection of handmade soaps including the bath house favorite, soap-on-a-rope, for those shy first-time soap droppers...

Chief towel boy, Lefty, assisted in the soap manufacture by gathering all those little soap slivers from his sister Slinky's bathroom at his Mom's house...Says Lefty, "Those little pieces of Irish Spring, Lifebuoy and Dial that my Mom always complains about clogging up the drain come in handy...All we have to do is push them together until they're stuck to each other, and these homos will pay big money for them...And my sister's armpit hair makes them stick even better"...

Shown below is a pubic shaving mug from RHM's "Poofter of Seville" collection, manufactured from soap pieces found by Lefty in various motel rooms and a shoplifted mug from a neighborhood garage sale...

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