How did Netanyahu score such a decisive erection victory?...

http://www.haaretz.com/news/israel-election-2015/.premium-1.647580

In the latest salvo of shots fired between the warring Mid-East factions, Mr. Netanyahu has scored an uncontested victory against Ayatollah Leph te Rashitch's attempts to discredit the neighboring nation's erections...Normally cloaked in secrecy, the Ayatollah made a surprise "show of strength" on Iran's BHNN (Bath House News Network) with a line-up of poofters preparing to play drop-the-soap...

However, each of Leph te's hand-picked erection candidates was wearing a keffiyeh on the head which can distort an accurate measurement...Deciding to play Leph te's "I'll show you mine" game, Netanyahu led reporters through an Israeli Army barracks at shower time to show off Israeli erection power...

Mr. Netanyahu pointed out that his men not only wore no artificial head covering, but each had undergone the traditional B'rit Milah and still stood up to measurement standards...In a followup interview, Leph te complained that the unisex Israeli shower room was guarded by a very fit looking young female soldier wearing only paratrooper boots, helmet and a rifle, giving an unfair incentive to the Israeli erection process...

Answering the charges, Netanyahu said it was Leph te's choice to use an Iranian lesbian with ankle hair showing under her burqa as a "performance enhancer" for his poofters...He also pointed out that the Iranians' attention never wavered as they eyed each other waiting for the first bar of soap to hit the shower room tile...

The erection controversy has stirred President Obama to announce a peacemaking journey to the region where he will enter talks with Mr. Netanyahu while touring the sand traps on Tel Aviv's battle-pocked golf courses...Pictured below is the President's latest taxpayer-funded up-armored golf cart which will be flown to Israel along with his portable hot tub and three limousines...

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Bath House offers little defense of Clinton in email scandal...

http://www.politico.com/story/2015/03/white-house-little-defense-of-hillary-clinton-in-email-scandal-115731.html

Former President Clinton's latest visit to the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium has caused an uproar from Republican opponents as bath house spin doctors try to downplay the incident...As a Heritage Member of the facility, Mr. Clinton is privileged to visit all areas of the club, and while passing through the towel boys' locker room noticed a number of towel boys lined up at a hole in the wall...

Invoking his right of executive privilege, he elbowed his way to the front of the line where chief towel boy Lefty waived the customary quarter-a-peek fee for the ex-President to observe the nudist lesbian yoga class on the other side of the wall...Later as Mr. Clinton enjoyed an El Producto cigar while having the rip in his thong repaired in RHM's male lingerie boutique, he decided to email his discovery to his Secret Service team waiting outside the bath house...

Unfortunately in the dimly lit boutique, with cigar smoke in his eyes, Mr. Clinton inadvertently sent the email to Mrs. Clinton's private email server...We have since learned that after reading the email and accidentally breaking every piece of furniture in her husband's office, Mrs. Clinton subpoenaed his IPhone for delivery to her lawyers...

After filing a Freedom of Information request, LeftyInTheNews has obtained a copy of the email titled "Yowza!!" and displayed below:

"Hey you guys oughta put away the bourbon and get in here!...You ain't gonna believe how these nekkid lesbos can twist and bend!...Bill"

Shown below leaving the bath house, Mr. Clinton seems to recognize one of the lesbian yoga class members...

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Diet Coors could be linked to bulging bellies in older polygamists: study...

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/diet-soda-linked-bulging-bellies-older-adults-article-1.2153452

A new study published by the Committee for Obesity Obsessed Related Studies (COORS), chaired by first lady Michelle Obama, has drawn fire from religious leaders of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity...Father X, leader of a Moab Desert based offshoot of the crackpot sect, claims the report is another attack from the White House directed at his flock's First Amendment rights to practice religion in their own way...

Citing the by-laws exception handed down by the church's high priest, Bishop Lefty, allowing the substitution of Coors in place of the traditional Hamm's in the daily ritual blessings, Father X says he also has the cancelled checks written to Bishop Lefty for his cut of the tithes proving compliance...He claims the report is just another swipe at organized religion...

Mrs. Obama's report offers as evidence the fact that Father X's only public appearances show him dressed in a cloaked robe to hide his ever-growing portly figure...His wives are always shown following at a respectful two paces behind, and are always dressed in Coors-branded hoodies which the first lady points out are only available in sizes marked "obese," "enormous" and "circus tent"...

Father X challenged the findings by presenting the photograph shown below of his latest wives taken just before they removed their wedding dresses to join him in the ritual pool of Coors Light to consummate his most recent marriage...

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Hobby Airport scientist told to remove words ‘underwear change’ from study on bath house warming...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/03/10/why-this-florida-scientist-had-to-remove-the-term-climate-change-from-her-study/

Politics even rears its head in the rarefied (although seldom purified) atmosphere of the urban bath house, as evidenced by the recent demands put on Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory...Not wishing to call undue attention to a common problem among poofters (including those in the Executive Branch), the White House has asked Dr. Lefty to change the wording in his definitive report on bath house warming...

His report includes a chapter concerning the efforts of professional laundrymen to encourage poofters to change their underwear more frequently...Obama administration censors, always eager to avoid mention of sources of embarrassment to gay voters, redacted all references to underwear change from the report...

Dr. Lefty protested the revisions, citing recent discussions in the Asian bath house community as reason for concern...Dr. Lefty quoted Chinese Poofter Minister (PM) Hu Flung Dung's recent revelation, "Stinky Chinee towel boys wear same BVD's all week!...Place smell like goat farm!"...

The PM's remarks were thought to be aimed at his former underling, and now Director of the Ministry of Laundry Lef Ti, who rose from being a bath house towel boy to PM Dung's boss in a bloodless coup...Not wishing to disturb the delicate balance of power in Chinese government and thereby start an international towel-snapping confrontation, Obama's senior cabinet member's have quietly ordered all references to underwear change removed from government publications...

Dr. Lefty strongly protested the censorship, saying it completely changed the meaning of his government funded studies...He quickly backed down, however, when he was told he would be paid for his findings anyway in addition to being named the lead investigator for a new field study of the correlation between Hamm's beer consumption and lesbianism among topless dancers...

Meanwhile, seeking to better his own position in the Chinese poofter hierarchy, Hu Flung Dung (shown below) is testing his latest innovation in bath house technology, combining a drive-through car wash with a tanning salon for homos in a hurry...

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Does Hillary underwear flap mean trouble ahead for Bath House?...

http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/does-hillary-email-flap-mean-trouble-ahead-for-white-house/article/2561225

The latest trend towards equality begun by famed politician, Hillary Clinton, on her inspection tour of lesbian bath houses has caused a furor among fashion designers and boutique operators...During her extended trip through the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, a quick glance through the unisex reception area on her way to the lesbian facilities revealed an alarming detail...

Her keen eye noticed that some of the male poofters wore trap-door underwear for easy access, while the lesbian clientele wore undies with no similar advantage...Upon talking with RHM, proprietor of the successful male lingerie boutique on the premises, it was revealed that the obvious inequality issue had never risen...

Having a few extra yards of pink flannel, RHM designed a trap-door variation of  the former first lady's favored "granny-pantie" style on the spot, and after a personal fitting she ordered Congress to mandate the new style in all poofter/lesbo outlets while banning further use of non-trap-door underclothing...RHM promised compliance, but immediately saw design problems with the popular thong and g-string fashions preferred by lesbians and towel boys...

The new layer of government created to oversee compliance sent federal underwear inspectors to approve any new designs, and couturiers like RHM found that any new fashions without an adequate trap door were considered non-compliant and rejected...RHM was in a panic over lost sales and fear of a government takeover until his brother, towel boy Lefty, stopped in to light his cigar on his way to the men's room...

Lefty's only thong was in the laundry for a deep cleaning following his extra helping of Frito ® Brand bean dip on his Taco Bell lunch, and he was wearing only a jock strap purloined from a client's locker...RHM theorized that the simple addition of a drawstring to the garment could open or close the two cheek supports providing either quick access or the appearance of a thong as the wearer desired...

The resulting fashion innovation has taken the poofter world by storm after gaining approval of the Federal Underwear & Foundation Administration (FUFA), and sales are reported strong in bath house boutiques nationwide...Pictured below, spokesmodel Lefty demonstrates the freedom of movement found in the prototype design...

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HA performs world's first penis transplant...

http://mg.co.za/article/2015-03-14-sa-performs-worlds-first-penis-transplant

Always on the cutting edge (so to speak) of groundbreaking medical procedures, Dr. Tchytz of the Hobby Airport Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop has announced the first successful complete penile transplant in history...The unnamed recipient, rumored to be a local towel boy as well as Dr. Tchytz's bait shop manager, is reported to be in stable condition following a brief period of post-surgical missteps...

A spokesman for the clinic reports that visitations for the patient are now limited to family only, with the exception of his sister Slinky who suffers from a rare allergy to clothing...Referred to by the code name "Patient Lefty" to protect his identity, his surgical stitches were mysteriously breaking after visits from personnel from a nearby bath house, including Mazola McLeglock, Latrina and Sidecar Sophie...

The stitch ruptures finally abated completely when his cable TV privileges were reduced to only the Cartoon Network and the Hindu Channel, removing all porn channels...The donor of the transplanted organ is reported to be notorious mountain man "Bearclaw" Longmember, who was receiving a court-ordered lobotomy to reduce his amorous tendencies which were endangering forest creatures near Longmember's wilderness home...

Longmember first made the news in an unfortunate incident on national television, and soon gained the attention of PETA officials who filed suit on behalf of the local moose and grizzly population...At the time of the lobotomy, Dr. Tchytz discovered a direct nerve connection between Longmember's brain and his protuberance, and the decision was made to remove it all as a unit...

"Patient Lefty" was already admitted to the clinic as the result of a friendly bet with unfortunate consequences...A local lesbian oil wrestler had bragged of her ability to tie a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue, and after "Patient Lefty's" challenge, the resulting entanglement in his pants could not be untied even with the help of local girl scout leaders experienced in knots, and the transplant received approval from Obamacare...

Dr. Tchytz preserved the brain tissue and connecting nerve for further study in a conveniently located fleshy sack under the transplanted organ...Mr. Longmember is not expected to notice the missing organ except for some slight confusion during men's room visits, and he will be temporarily housed in the Houston Zoo for observation before being allowed to return to his forest home...

The disfigured tissue removed from "Patient Lefty" will be preserved under an agreement with a local piano-roll museum operator who will display it as a curiosity in the "Other Specimens" wing of his gallery inside a sealed jar of Hamm's beer...

"Patient Lefty" had requested the services of Nurse Paula who declined because she is under contract to presidential candidate Phillbo during his campaign...Instead Obamacare has assigned the visiting nurse pictured below as his attending professional...

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Cuba Announces Direct Poofter Connections With U.S...

http://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/cuba-announces-direct-telephone-connections-u-s-n321751

Longing for the days of his grandfathers when gay mafia members could meet openly with corrupt homo government and business officials in the bath houses of Havana, Cuban poofter exile Chico Piñata has been working behind the scenes to return to those days of glory...On a visit to Houston to ask support from lesbian Mayor Annise Parker, Piñata found help in an unexpected place...

He had stopped in at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium before his flight back to Miami, and after his hot tub session was unable to locate his Casio watch in his rented locker...A helpful towel boy named Lefty offered to sell him an identical watch he happened to be wearing, and during the negotiations mentioned a distant cousin named Leftito who works in the Hugo Chavez Memorial Poofter Collective in Havana...

The towel boy said Leftito regularly sends him almost unsmoked cigars and videos of the popular Cuban donkey training sport through an undisclosed FedEx International employee...Lefty offered to set up a meeting in return for dropping any pending charges of locker pilferage...

Working with the office of the UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations, Piñata has reached a tentative agreement with El Presidente Raúl Castro, for whom Leftito is also employed as his personal laundry boy...The agreement calls for a limited poofter exchange program beginning with a state visit to the Hobby Airport bath house district by Castro and Leftito followed by a tour of the lesbian entertainment venues in Havana by oil wrestler Mazola McLeglock and her personal bodyguard, midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny...

Ms. McLeglock is said to be keenly interested in learning the sport of donkey training...Assistance has been promised by President Obama, seen below in a meeting with representatives from the Federal Detention & Corrections Department...

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