North Korea frees two poofter detainees as Obama heads to Beijing...

http://www.csmonitor.com/World/Global-News/2014/1108/North-Korea-frees-two-Americans-as-Obama-heads-to-Beijing

As President Obama travels to Beijing with the UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations on a historic mission to strengthen ties with Chinese poofters, Ambassador Lefty has announced even more encouraging news from Asia...President-For-Life Kim Jong-un of North Korea, in an obvious effort to upstage the Sino-American union, said today he will release two American poofters charged with smuggling contraband Taco Bell green chili burritos...

Ambassador Lefty explained, "We hope our journey of peace to improve international bath house relations has been an influence on that fat Korean homo's decision to release the two gay Americans...We all know Kim likes to gobble down a burrito while getting his own knob gobbled anyway"...

The diplomat referred to the historic meeting between the Korean leader and a representative of the Beijing People's Poofter Collective, towel boy Lef Ti, in which the Chinese envoy was permitted to bring in a sack of Taco Bell green chili burritos in a diplomatic pouch as a peace offering to Kim Jong-un...At the time, the Korean poofter, in a rare lucid moment, stated that since the Taco Bell product seemed to enhance Lef Ti's diplomatic service of Kim's medical problem, he would consider lifting the ban as soon as his newly developed flatulence condition was abated...

Sources close to the Korean president, who asked not to be identified out of concern for their own beheading, mentioned that a further shipment of Gas-X received in a diplomatic pouch stopped the whoopee cushion noises coming from Kim's private chambers...Soon afterwards he decided that the two American poofter smugglers were taking up valuable prison space needed for his own people, and made the decision to deport them...

The latest reports show the two former detainees were receiving re-orientation treatment at the Taco Bell commissary on the US military base on Okinawa before being repatriated to the San Francisco gay community...Meanwhile President Obama is said to be looking forward to forging new connections in the Chinese bath house society as Ambassador Lefty makes new inroads into relations in the Chinese lesbian body politic...

Shown below in an undated file photo, President Obama, accompanied by two eager Secret Service bodyguards, prepares to don his bulletproof towel as he enters a well known South Houston bath house on a fact-finding mission...

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Europe set to make poofter history with comet landing...

http://www.khaleejtimes.com/kt-article-display-1.asp?section=todaysfeatures&xfile=data/todaysfeatures/2014/November/todaysfeatures_November9.xml

Although theories differ about the origin of poofter bath houses, no one can deny the latest contribution to homo history...The European bath house community is poised to make the first-ever attempt to contact alien poofter life in outer space...

Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory fills in some background information, "It's well known that some poofter activity is identified through a universal signalling system...For instance, when two fat homos make contact in a darkened shower room after one of them drops his bar of Dove soap, we hear a loud 'Wahooo!' from one of them"...

Dr. Lefty went on to explain that his sensitive Radio Shack listening devices, obtained through a grant from the pawn shop next to Spec's Liquor Store, have for years picked up faint signals indicative of hot tub splashing and locker room pilferage from outer space...Now the European bath house co-op is set to launch the already proven PoofX Drag Queen with former french sissyweight fighter Florian LePoof in command to establish contact with alien poofter life on a dark comet thought to house a rudimentary bath house...

Dr. Lefty explained that Monsieur Lepoof will carry gifts of fresh towels and Hamm's beer to indicate his friendly intentions to any aliens he encounters, and is prepared to probe deeply to establish communications...Honorable Master Lef Ti of China's PF Chang Poofter & Laundry Academy who provided the gift towels through a grant from the Beijing People's Poofter Collective said, "Stinky western homos need towels to mop up mess when alien poofters throw up nasty Hamm's beer"...

Dr. Lefty stated that Master Lef Ti's intentions may have been lost in translation, but he is sure they jointly wish success to this unprecedented advancement in poofter technology...Astronaut LePoof is pictured below in a promotional billboard advertising the mission...

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Lack of barley delayed the rise of poofters on Earth...

http://www.sciencecodex.com/lack_of_oxygen_delayed_the_rise_of_animals_on_earth-144660

If new evidence proves acceptable to science, the history of poofters and their culture may have to be re-written...Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has uncovered important new findings at the dig site of an ancient bath house buried under the sands of Egypt...

Prof. Lefty explains, "Barley above all other grains has proven a staple in the diets of poofters in modern times, but was curiously absent in recipes and menus we found carved in stone in the pyramids and temples of Egypt"...The professor went on to say that early barley crops were commandeered by an Egyptian towel boy turned pirate who attempted to corner the market during the dynasty of Pharoah RutenTuten...

It was found that the lowly towel boy, whose name was Igoleft the Lesser, obtained the secret recipe for a golden nectar from a master brewer in a dice game, using dice which for unknown reasons would only roll "sevens"...Igoleft, and his sissy brother Ramses Hannu Menhet (or simply RHM), escaped the Nile Valley and built a brewery in Lower Mesopotamia using purloined barley crops captured with his fleet of Phoenician pirate ships...

Centuries later when the reign of the descendants of Igoleft the Lesser was defeated by an army of ferocious, vengeful lesbians, barley regained its place in the world market, and poofters began to prosper due to their renewed diet...As a sidenote to history, the brew, which was said to be the true nectar of the gods, was passed down from brewer to brewer, and due to poor translations, substitute ingredients and inferior barley crops, became an almost undrinkable beverage known today as Hamm's Beer, oddly a universal favorite drink of towel boys everywhere...

Professor Lefty further states that his findings are open to inspection and interpretation by other scholars of his rank, but he believes he has stumbled upon a major cornerstone in homo history...He and his lesbian research team, headed by Dr. Mazola McLeglock are currently involved in recreating an ancient scroll depicting a series of romantic positions the practice of which may have resulted in the beginning of the chiropractic profession...

Pictured below are the three famed explorers who originally discovered the tomb of Pharaoh RutenTuten, and later in life were said to be cursed with careers as underpaid slapstick comedians in the early film industry...

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Astronomers Identify Mysterious Object Near Hobby Airport's Supermassive Black Hole...

http://www.universityherald.com/articles/12652/20141104/astronomers-identify-mysterious-object-near-milky-ways-supermassive-black-hole.htm

Dr. Lefty, chief astronomer for the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory, has announced new findings in the mystery of the supermassive black hole which suddenly developed in the lesbian nudist facility adjacent to the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Dr. Lefty explains, "Since acquiring our powerful Tasco telescope through a special grant from the pawn shop next to Spec's Liquor Store, I devote several hours per day observing the heavenly bodies surrounding the nude calisthenics classes"...

Dr. Lefty went on to say that during his regular observation of instructor Mazola McLeglock's nude yoga class for overweight rugmunchers, two of the porcine students collided with each other following a misunderstood command...Dr. Lefty reported, "When those two porkers ran into each other, they probably cracked plaster ceilings a mile away"...

The result was an implosion which swallowed the two giant women, then began to suck in the other oversized students until they formed their own gravity field...Ms. McLeglock was able to escape the melange of lesbians mainly because her body was already oiled for her championship oil wrestling bout that evening enabling her to wriggle away to safety...

Dr. Lefty reports that the supermassive gravity source may be self-sustaining since it seems to be sucking in Taco Bell lunchsacks and pizza delivery boxes off the street, thereby feeding the already corpulent mass of flesh...He also theorizes that it may be possible to reverse the gravity field by banning all Grub Hub and Domino's deliveries in the area until the crisis passes...

As Dr. Lefty sees it, "These fat homos and lesbos in South Houston can afford to walk off a few calories by traveling on foot to get their lunch instead of having it delivered to their hot tubs"...His assistant researcher RHM calculates that the forced weight loss program among the yoga class participants could cause them to shed several hundred pounds over the weekend, reducing the gravity field and allowing them to be pried apart...

Shown below are some of Ms. McLeglock's former students celebrating their graduation from her "Morbidly Obese" class to the advanced "Simply Enormous" seminar...

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PANTS on FIRE? Too late for you. But others will benefit from singed trouser alert...

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2014/10/14/phones_to_be_fitted_with_trouser_fire_detectors/

Fire Safety Officer Lefty of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium has this timely pre-holiday advice for all celebrants, "This is the time of year when we decorate our pants poles in gay fashion for the season's festivities...But no one wants a holiday ruined due to faulty or unsafe decorations"...

Lefty states that although most Hobby Airport area residents are AC as well as DC, it's important to know which is which before plugging in the equipment...An accidental connection to the wrong socket could result in a fiery uproar with devastating consequences...

Lefty further advises all holiday participants to invest in the latest safety gadget, a pants fire detector...He says this simple device can detect any potential burn before it gets out of hand...He says in his case, his hand is so calloused he can no longer sense the heat caused from overspeed activities, thus making the device invaluable in the prevention of painful blisters...

An added benefit is the detection of undesired eruptions due to the diet most poofters enjoy...Lefty explains, "Most of these fat homos don't know when to say 'no thanks' to a fourth helping of chili burritos at lunch, and they pay for it when they resume their activities afterwards"...

This added feature can even lower insurance premiums against not only trouser fires, but expensive EPA air quality violations...Senior men's room attendant RHM informs us that the device is available in all popular colors at his male lingerie boutique...

Lefty also tells us that work is underway to eliminate false readings caused by really hot lesbians...Pictured below is the type of holiday accident Lefty hopes to prevent with the new technology...

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Injury deflates Lefty's Fantasy date...

http://fantasynews.cbssports.com/fantasybasketball/update/24773874/injury-deflates-julius-randles-fantasy-value

In a heart-rending moment just seconds before the final buzzer, crowd favorite Lefty suffered a crushing blow as a hefty opponent stumbled toward the finish line in a failed attempt to beat Lefty's time, and fell...The resulting injury to his inflatable date could be repaired, but Lefty had used his last bicycle repair patch on his two-speed Schwinn just to get to the competition...

Thinking quickly, he grabbed the Dubble Bubble out of referee RHM's mouth to stop the leak in a desperate attempt to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat...Unfortunately, in the hurried action he managed to also snatch the dentures from RHM's jaws, and incurred a "roughing the official" penalty of five strokes...

The missed strokes were enough to further deflate Lefty's libido, while sadly watching his blow-up doll deflate as well...Although a winner in this elimination round, superstar Lefty garnered a late start penalty as well in the final round of the Bath House Lesbolympics, and faces growing odds in his heroic grab for the gold...

Already a last-pick choice as he chose to crosstrain for this traditionally all female event, he surprised the critics with his come-from-behind (a favorite move) victories in the Round Robin start...Robin was surprised as well as Lefty performed admirably against the artificially enhanced competitors...

The semi-finals resulted in a stunning upset as his butch lesbian competitors cried "foul" as they made their mandatory pit stops for battery changes, while Lefty drove forward to the finish with his vintage original equipment...In the final event, Lefty faces brutal opposition as his arch-rival and former girlfriend, Mazola McLeglock, is certain to pull out all the stops in the difficult "Knotted Silk Rope" event...

Win or lose, it must be concluded that Lefty has given it his all as he attempts to be the first male lesbian champion in the International Lesbolympics...Shown below, a competitor trains for maximum lungpower in the challenging unassisted airstart event...

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Chinese moon probe successfully returns to bath house...

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/chinese-moon-probe-successfully-returns-to-earth-9833753.html

Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory has filed his briefs concerning the recent secretive Chinese probe of an orbiting moon...As Dr. Lefty explains, "It is well known that bath house technology differs greatly between western and Asian cultures, and voluntary exchange of information is almost non-existent"...

He went on to say that the recently discovered moons found orbiting Chinese bath houses within the jurisdiction of the Beijing People's Poofter Collective were definitely not spy satellites sent by the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...He stated that the "moons" were of unknown origin, and had nothing to do with western attempts to gather information on Chinese poofter tech...

However the Chinese Minister of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung, whose purview includes all Chinese bath house and poofter operations, has a suspicious nature and decided further investigation was necessary...It was decided the best man for this clandestine mission would be a towel boy named Lef Ti, who has more experience probing moons than anyone in China...

Upon his return, Lef Ti reported that the moons had a soft exterior, and opened immediately to receive his probe, although a noxious vapor was emitted which may have been a defense mechanism...Lef Ti stated that his results were inconclusive, and he requested an extended mission to probe deeper into the moons' interiors...

However Minister Dung remains cautious, and suspects that the mysterious moons may have actually gathered knowledge from Lef Ti's probe while leaving a false trail of intel for him...He said that any further missions by Lef Ti will include a protective shield around his probe to prevent unwanted microscopic invasions...

Meanwhile, Dr. Lefty continues to deny any western involvement in the mysterious orbiting bodies, and says his main concern these days is studying nearby advances in lesbian technology, particularly extending battery life in hand-held and strap-on "entertainment devices"...Shown below is his latest prototype of a dual-purpose device for use by so-called "lipstick lesbians"...

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