The 9 states with the highest poofter taxes...

http://www.cbsnews.com/media/the-9-states-with-the-highest-property-taxes/

With both the East Coast and the West Coast sharing honors for having the states with the highest poofter taxes in America, some analysts have wondered how a large Gulf Coast state such as Texas has managed to survive with no state tax on homo activity...According to Hobby Airport Bath House District Director, Dewey Cheatham, the answer is simple...

"State taxes are not needed in Texas because our State Constitution specifies that individual Bath House Districts (BHD's) will be responsible for local services paid for through local taxation," stated Director Cheatham...He pointed to his own district where every poofter activity carries its own tax, fee, penalty and/or bribe...

As an example, he indicated the towel distribution system in local bath houses where an ad valorem tax is levied each time a towel boy hands a fresh one to a client based on the towel's degree of cleanliness and the cuteness of the towel boy...The towel boys themselves collect their own form of tax for services rendered such as bending over to pick up a client's dropped towel or Dove soap...

Bar service is taxed separately on an ascending scale based on orders from Hamm's beer all the way up to Napoleon brandy served in snifters...Customers ordering Coors generally qualify for public assistance, and may receive an earned credit against any court-ordered breathalyzer tests...

Asked whether the locally-based taxation methods have proven successful, Director Cheatham replied, "Oh yes, my own standard of living is at an all time high due to weekly rake-offs and kickbacks from collections, while complaints have dropped to near zero since protests and criticisms must be filed with the Civil Grievance Division"...He further explained that since the division is now staffed by midget lesbian Dumpy Bunny, complainants don't feel that charges are worth filing if they are forced to listen to her screechy, annoying voice...

In the short video clip below, Cheatham is shown reacting to Ms. Bunny's hiring interview just before okaying her employment on the condition that she never speak to him or come near him again...

More Local News articles...

More Government & Military articles...

Hobby Airport tables street hump policy, reallocates erection funds...

http://www.yourhoustonnews.com/courier/news/willis-tables-street-hump-policy-reallocates-election-funds/article_21d2305e-0b95-5a63-ad6b-2585beaed0ec.html

In an effort to improve traffic flow, the Hobby Airport Bath House District has revised its street humping policy to make better use of the picnic tables provided in front of local fast food outlets such as Taco Bell...BHD Director Dewey Cheatham explained, "In the past, when an individual, couple or group felt the urge to hump, they just did it right there in the street, which led to some traffic slow-downs due to the gawkers and rubberneckers"...

But after noting the number of outdoor picnic tables installed outside Taco Bell restaurants to accommodate the diners who wished to avoid the noxious emissions produced by consumption of their products, Cheatham thought it might be helpful to make better use of them...The BHD commissioned a study of the project with Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory, and after a 50% kickback into Cheatham's own re-election fund, decided the idea had merit...

A plan was drawn up wherein the picnic tables would be annexed into the Extra Territorial Jurisdiction of the BHD, then made available for "entertainment purposes" by the deposit of a party fee into the BHD's slush fund...The expected complaints from the management staffs of the fast-food outlets was smoothed over by allowing them to charge admission to voyeur diners during the noon rush hour...

The new regulations were carefully crafted to ensure strict adherence to Obama administration guidelines to prevent discrimination regardless of poofter preference...Cheatham says he expects no problems that can't be overcome by lining the appropriate pockets with a well placed bribe...

Shown below, an afternoon lesbian street hump enthusiast is almost ready to clear a table for the Wednesday evening dinner crowd on two-for-one chimichanga night...

More Local News articles...

BHD boards announce public meetings in Harris County...

http://www.yourhoustonnews.com/east_montgomery/news/esd-boards-announce-public-meetings-in-east-county/article_3d1da232-c7a9-5a03-acbc-065cb756de0d.html

Following the successful lead of the Hobby Airport Bath House District, other BHD boards have announced new monthly meetings open to all members of the public who don't mind their faces shown on local television...After noting an increase in revenue and an improved lifestyle for board members after implementing open meetings, other area BHD boards decided to make the change...

In the model set by the Hobby Airport BHD, citizens are welcome to bring their complaints, suggestions and bribes to board meetings for immediate consideration...Although the record shows most suggestions are ignored, and complaints usually result in the arrest of the complainant, not a single bribe or special favor has been turned away by board members...

Presiding officer Dewey Cheatham has been especially rewarded in his efforts to grant new business licenses to newcomers interested in bringing employment opportunities to the district...He invites applications for diverse enterprises such as massage parlors, nudie bars and older professions such as gambling and smuggling...

He cited the recent case of newly arrived immigrant, Yugo Leftanescu, an East European who had opened an oddsmaking office on a local barstool...Cheatham took a special interest since he was raised as an an orphan like Leftanescu...

On questioning it was learned that Yugo Leftanescu was named after the car in which he was born, just minutes before his mother abandoned him for a lesbian girlfriend...He was raised in a convent where the nuns had taken vows of celibacy and nudism...

Always respectful of the teachings of the nuns that marriage is a desirable goal, Leftanescu wears a wedding dress as his everyday garb...Shown below is a still capture from the under-the-table cam showing Leftanescu handing in his business application to Cheatham...

More Local News articles...

More Politics articles...

HABH&PE gas line explodes near Hobby Airport...

http://seekingalpha.com/news/2435426-pg-and-e-gas-line-explodes-near-fresno-injuring-at-least-11

EPA hazmat crews have been dispatched to the scene of a ruptured gas line near the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium where an experimental energy source is being tested...Authorities report that the permits for the gas line to draw the huge amounts of methane gas away from the bath house and the neighboring piano roll museum will be reviewed for any safety violations...

Hobby Airport Bath House District spokesman Dewey Cheatham had this to say, "The amount of gases produced in the men's room and lesbian powder room of the bath house have enormous potential as an alternative energy source"...Cheatham went on to explain that the recent addition of Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters in the lesbian powder room caused a mandatory expansion of the exhaust ventilation system...

The increase in political gas was thought to add to the volatility of the flammable gasses, especially when combined with the copious amounts of incendiary emissions siphoned from the next-door Braniff Street mansion occupied by an elderly, eccentric retiree and his long-suffering daughter...Local towel boy Lefty explained, "I suppose the smelly old dude can't help it with all the bean burritos he packs away, but I don't see how his babe of a daughter puts up with it"...

The gas is being used to power generators at the nearby Harris County Prisoner Farm as an experiment in alternative energy sources...However the mixture may have to be adjusted for volatility to prevent early burnout of the equipment...

Local handyman Gristmill Mikey was asked to examine the damage to the pipeline because his own leather-like skin is almost impervious to damage in case of an explosion...After his inspection and the sounding of the all-clear signal, construction was resumed although several workers are being treated for fart inhalation...

Seen below, an area resident reacts to the odor from the ruptured pipeline...

More Local News articles...

Council approves lucrative airport concession contracts...

http://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/houston/article/Council-approves-lucrative-airport-concession-6158181.php

After a successful auction at the last board meeting of the Hobby Airport Bath House District, director Dewey Cheatham has announced new service contracts to benefit visitors deplaning on the Hobby Airport tarmac...Previously travelers had to exit the airport before finding directions to the nearest poofter facilities...

Now visitors will enjoy immediate attention right after TSA and customs officials have stamped all passports, and collected all bribes and side bets...A representative from Gayhound Bus Lines will greet all visitors with a tour of the Bath House District (BHD) including popular destinations such as gay, lesbian and unisex bath houses, topless bars, liquor stores, STD clinics, bail bond services and massage parlors...

Hungry diners may sample offerings of green chili burritos on their way to file lost luggage claims...The sporting public who made wagers on who would gain membership in the "mile high club" while in flight, will find a representative of the oddsmaker ready to collect the bet as they enter the terminal...

Even those just changing planes can enjoy a topless shoeshine and knob polishing at one of the vendors on the way to the connecting flight...Men's rooms and lesbian powder rooms in the airport will be staffed by attendants of the appropriate gender standing by their tip jars ready to service all passengers...

Passengers awaiting later connecting flights will find exotic dance entertainment to serve poofters, lesbians and the undecided in the newly built Landing Strip Lounge...Director Cheatham said the auction resulting in the new service contracts was so successful that he has doubled the size of the pool he ordered for his own home...

Shown below, the Gayhound Tour Bus prepares to depart with a unisex crowd of new arrivals eager to find a thrill in the Bath House District...

More Travel & Holiday articles...

More Local News articles...

HABHD's CPO tells criminals to 'chill' and stop committing crime until after coronavirus...

https://www.theblaze.com/news/houston-mayor-tells-criminals-to-chill

Dewey Cheatham, CPO (Chief Poofter Official) for the Hobby Airport Bath House District released the following statement today regarding the extraordinary measures being recommended during the COVID-19 outbreak:

"We board members of the HABHD are extremely concerned for the welfare of all our citizens regardless of race, national origin or poofter persuasion in this time of national emergency...We urge all those residing or earning a living within the confines of our Bath House District to maintain a six foot distance from each other even though this will mean a few changes in business technique for the tattoo artists, massage therapists, table dancers and pickpockets whose livelihoods depend on close contact with the public...We also request that criminals of all levels, including misdemeanor and felony classifications, cease all criminal activity until our government tells us it's safe to steal again...However all normal bribes and kickbacks to the HABHD Board of Directors will continue to be accepted in cash only through the mail slot in our door if they are sealed in sanitary envelopes..."

Hobby Airport residents were asked for their comments on this pronouncement...Popular bath house towel boy Lefty said, "I don't see any big difference, nobody ever wants to get closer than six feet to me anyway..."

Bookie and oddsmaker Yugo Leftanescu spoke from his barstool office at a local topless bar, "My business is usually conducted by phone until it's time to collect...If there's any problem then I've got a meathook with a six foot handle..."

Newly arrived immigrant Carmine "The Hat" Caponescu said this through his Sicilian interpreter, "Youse people can depend on me ta do my usual best...I can enforce da wishes of da bosses from any distance..."

Recent visitor to the HABHD, Puffy Cravinmore, upon hearing the good news that there might be less crime there than in her home town on the Central Texas plains, got on her BMW motorcycle and did not stop until she was in the company of her protector, Gristmill Mikey, feared by both lawmen and lawbreakers of all ranks...Since she had spent the last of her funds on gasoline for the trip, Mikey arranged for her to stay with his girlfriend, Sidecar Sophie, until she could find a suitable and well armored residence...He also said he would ask around for employment for her...

With more people seeking their entertainment at home, Puffy was pleased to find that her experience and skill in the repair and maintenance of personal pleasure devices both battery-operated and home-wired was in great demand among the lesbians and poofters who were forced to find self-gratification within the confines of their homes...Having minored in compressor repair at the Jodie Foster Vocational Institute in Austin Texas, she is also able to service those clients who favor blow-up lifesize dolls...

Gristmill Mikey's vast network of contacts also enabled her to begin the application process for a position on the housekeeping staff at the vast Truckman Estates in a neighboring county...She was warned that Truckman vets his applicants with utmost care, but she remains hopeful, and said she has already chosen a uniform for the position if she is selected...In the knowledge that she is naïve about the crime situation in the HABHD, animal lover Mikey offered her one of his dogs to stay by her side and also ride on the buddy seat of her motorcycle...

She could see the dog liked her right away, and would be a good companion and protector, but she was concerned about its breed...Confiding this to Mikey, she said she adored it and would take good care of it, but asked what kind of dog it was so she could provide for it...Said Gristmill Mikey, "Well, before I cut off his tail and painted him brown, he used to be an alligator..."

More local news articles...

Giant new Houston greenspace takes shape after nationwide search...

http://houston.culturemap.com/news/city-life/04-14-15-city-changer-giant-new-houston-greenspace-takes-shape-after-nationwide-search/

Like all politicians, lame-duck lesbian Mayor Annise Parker of Houston worries over the legacy she leaves behind and her perceived place in history...By far, the most festering blight on her record is the embarrassment known as the Hobby Airport Bath House District (BHD), which she once called the shining jewel on her crown, but is now just an article of shame...

Having given up fixing the problem area through the efforts of the BHD Betterment Bureau and its chairman, Dewey Cheatham, the mayor has turned to the solution of hiding it as best as possible...Partial success was achieved with the shrubbery sculpture makeover along Braniff Street which now obscures an unsightly mansion occupied by an elderly, eccentric recluse and his long-suffering daughter...

Since the recluse is a veteran of both world wars and the Vietnam conflict, in addition to having served as a bugle boy for Colonel Roosevelt in Cuba, the mayor was reluctant to condemn the home...Speaking through her spokesman and towel boy, Lefty, "We were afraid the smelly old dude would show up at the mayor's residence and barricade himself in one of the new cabanas built at taxpayer expense before the mayor leaves office"...

A search for the right remedy may have ended with the signing of a new city contract with world-renowned gardening consultant, 2ndthyme, already well known to the mayor as an object of lust to millions of disappointed lesbians, who nevertheless remains devoted to her husband...Given an unlimited taxpayer-funded budget for the project, 2ndthyme went directly to Home Depot with a shopping list and a city VISA card...

After planting the numerous shrubs and bushes in places designed to conceal not only the recluse's unsightly home, but the many bath houses, topless bars, liquor stores, massage parlors and STD clinics in the district, she went to work giving the greenbelt her signature touch...She carefully sculpted each shrub into a work of art...

Once known as an anti-gun militant, she became a Second Amendment supporter after a series of discussions with a now-retired gun store owner and forum administrator, and performs her hedge sculptures using her fully-automatic M-16 or M-60 machine gun and for light pruning turns to her select-fire Uzi...She says after learning the advantage of reloading her own ammo, the cost is actually less than her old gas-powered chain saws and weed whackers...

Shown below is the design personally selected by the mayor for a home across the street from the recluse, who now gets to see this lawn ornament every morning when he gets his paper...

More Art News articles...

More Local News articles...

San Francisco Bans Chewing Tobacco at Poofter Venues...

http://time.com/3852742/san-francisco-bans-chewing-tobacco/

In a move sure to incur the wrath of gays everywhere, the chairman of San Francisco's Joint Chiefs of Bath House Districts has announced a ban on chewing tobacco at all bath houses, massage parlors, lesbian yoga classes and all sanctioned poofter assemblies...In justifying the move, the committee's press release states that the chairman is tired of stepping in tobacco spit every time he enters a communal shower room to enjoy a session of soap-dropping...

The chairman further complained that although all bath houses in San Francisco were furnished with brass cuspidors for the use of clients by taxing the assets of the five remaining straight citizens in the area, poofters continue to spit on the floors and out open windows without regard as to who might get hit with the residue...He said the laundry bills to remove tobacco stains from tailored Armani suits for himself as well as his husband and his boyfriends have almost doubled this year...

A storm of protest has already been raised from poofters and lesbians who insist that chewing tobacco keeps their jaw muscles strong and firm as they engage in their activities...Many San Franciscans have threatened to defy the law even though the chairman has ordered surveillance cameras to monitor illegal tobacco sales at all licensed marijuana and crack cocaine street vendors in the city...

Sports activity may also be affected as the Red Man Chewing Tobacco Co. has announced curtailment of its sponsorship of the popular Lesbolympic games...Senior coach Lefty of the South Houston Lesbolympic Committee says that sign-up rosters for nude leapfrog and dildo relay races have already suffered reductions...

When asked whether similar rules are being prepared locally, Chairman Dewey Cheatham of the Hobby Airport Bath House District said, "We take our directions from Houston's lesbian mayor, Annise Parker, but we don't expect any changes since she and her wife both chew"...A canvas of neighborhood residents by our reporter got this statement from an elderly, eccentric recluse, "Red Man saves me money on hair dye because it keeps my whiskers brown; now get off my porch before I get my Beretta .25 out!"...

Pictured below, parolee halfway-house residents attempt to clean the recluse's tobacco-stained porch as part of their community service before the recluse's long-suffering daughter gets home...

More Politics articles...

More Local News Articles...

Major thoroughfare near Hobby Airport to get a makeover...

http://www.bizjournals.com/houston/morning_call/2015/03/nonprofit-to-raise-millions-to-spruce-up-area-near.html

Hobby Airport Bath House District officials have announced a request for bids and accompanying bribes from contractors for a makeover of its main thoroughfare, Braniff Street, on which are located several poofter bath houses, liquor stores, topless bars and STD clinics...A rapidly increasing amount of traffic following new BHD rules changes has necessitated the upgrades, says BHD official, Dewey Cheatham...

Services requested will include, but not be limited to, easier access to concealed parking for bath house clients, the addition of a drive-through lane for curbside betting and debt collection as well as improvements to personal property owned by BHD officials...Heavy equipment storage for the long-term project will be provided by the district by confiscating the front yard area of a local piano-roll museum owned by an elderly, eccentric city council advisor...

The parking of heavy equipment is expected to reduce complaints from neighboring businesses of the unsightly outdoor projects begun and abandoned by the elderly recluse who sometimes forgets his pants when he comes outside to chase away homeless people...In addition, bids are requested from landscaping contractors to plant artistically shaped shrubbery and other plants to further hide the drab, crumbling mansion from the viewing public after the street improvement is completed...

Shown below is an example of the proposed greenery being examined by the mansion's owner...

More Local News articles...