In a move sure to incur the wrath of gays everywhere, the chairman of San Francisco's Joint Chiefs of Bath House Districts has announced a ban on chewing tobacco at all bath houses, massage parlors, lesbian yoga classes and all sanctioned poofter assemblies...In justifying the move, the committee's press release states that the chairman is tired of stepping in tobacco spit every time he enters a communal shower room to enjoy a session of soap-dropping...
The chairman further complained that although all bath houses in San Francisco were furnished with brass cuspidors for the use of clients by taxing the assets of the five remaining straight citizens in the area, poofters continue to spit on the floors and out open windows without regard as to who might get hit with the residue...He said the laundry bills to remove tobacco stains from tailored Armani suits for himself as well as his husband and his boyfriends have almost doubled this year...
A storm of protest has already been raised from poofters and lesbians who insist that chewing tobacco keeps their jaw muscles strong and firm as they engage in their activities...Many San Franciscans have threatened to defy the law even though the chairman has ordered surveillance cameras to monitor illegal tobacco sales at all licensed marijuana and crack cocaine street vendors in the city...
Sports activity may also be affected as the Red Man Chewing Tobacco Co. has announced curtailment of its sponsorship of the popular Lesbolympic games...Senior coach Lefty of the South Houston Lesbolympic Committee says that sign-up rosters for nude leapfrog and dildo relay races have already suffered reductions...
When asked whether similar rules are being prepared locally, Chairman Dewey Cheatham of the Hobby Airport Bath House District said, "We take our directions from Houston's lesbian mayor, Annise Parker, but we don't expect any changes since she and her wife both chew"...A canvas of neighborhood residents by our reporter got this statement from an elderly, eccentric recluse, "Red Man saves me money on hair dye because it keeps my whiskers brown; now get off my porch before I get my Beretta .25 out!"...
Pictured below, parolee halfway-house residents attempt to clean the recluse's tobacco-stained porch as part of their community service before the recluse's long-suffering daughter gets home...
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