Off-duty officer bit man’s groin during fight...

http://www.seattletimes.com/nation-world/police-off-duty-officer-bit-mans-groin-during-fight/

Off-duty security officer Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian, faces suspension following charges brought during a scuffle with a patron outside a popular Hobby Airport area bath house...The incident began when the belligerent officer ended her shift by inspecting for new peepholes to the nude lesbian yoga classroom from the towel boys' locker room, and after clocking out, observed another off-duty employee, towel boy Lefty, trying to gain entrance to the lesbian nudist sun deck disguised as a woman...

Without clocking back in or pinning her badge on, she confronted Lefty and challenged his gender in order to deny him access to the lesbian-only area...She later said her trained police officer's eye told her immediately that Lefty had stuffed his brassiere with the potatoes he usually carries in his underwear to enhance his manhood...

Ordering Lefty to halt in her squeaky, annoying voice, she then clamped her jaws around his male member, causing him to fall to the ground in pain...She said her intention was to subdue him by biting him on the kneecap since her hands were already full with the sacks of confiscated lesbian "entertainment devices" she was planning to turn in as evidence...

In his statement, Lefty claimed he didn't recognize her due to his impaired vision caused by fumes from the non-hypoallergenic eye make-up he was wearing, and when he turned to comply with her order, his four-inch heels broke...Ms. Bunny alleged that his fall threw her aim off causing his groin injury...

Emergency medical technicians called to the scene from Dr. Tchytz's nearby sex reassignment clinic removed Ms. Bunny's partial dental plate from Lefty's injury area, and turned it over to Hobby Airport Poofter Police as evidence...After identifying herself as a lesbian, the EMT's treated Ms. Bunny for testicle exposure by having her eat a sack of Taco Bell catfish tacos to get the taste out of her mouth...

Until all evidence and bribes have been collected and processed, both employees have been suspended by their bath house employer...Pictured below from police photographs, Lefty had no problem identifying Ms. Bunny on the far right in the standard police lineup...

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U.S. Poofter Service Names First Lesbian Poofmaster General...

http://online.wsj.com/articles/u-s-postal-service-names-first-female-postmaster-general-1415977837

Lame duck US President Obama, in an effort to appease the gay/lesbian community over this week's errors in international poofter relations, and to ensure his place in history, has named the first lesbian US Poofmaster General...Outgoing Poofmaster Leroi LeBoi announced his retirement to open a string of high-end gay bars named "Nancybois" with celebrity co-partners Tom Cruise and John Travolta...

The President said in his press statement that replacing LeBoi was not easy, but he places his confidence in longtime government employee, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian who has worked at all levels of government, usually until her superiors can find a way to get rid of her...Obama said that Ms. Bunny will bring a new attitude to the job, as well as a new altitude since the top of her head is zipper-level for most of her co-poofters...

In introducing Ms. Bunny, the President apologized for resting his Hamm's beer can on top of her head, and said he was momentarily confused by her new flattop hairdo which caused him to mistake her for a beverage table...In her shrill, annoying voice, Ms. Bunny accepted the apology, and said she intends to bring a new level of service to the position of Poofmaster General since she is already at eye level with the center of attraction in most poofter relations...

UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty applauded the President's choice in his usual diplomatic manner, "I do all the work pulling this lame duck's pecker out of the frying pan, and he gives this cherry of a job to this lesbo?...Something's going on under the table for sure"...

Pictured below is the new Poofmaster General delivering her acceptance speech in her squeaky, irritating voice from behind the presidential podium...

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Jail guard's fellow nudists turn him in to face child porn charges...

http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Jail-guards-fellow-nudists-turn-him-in-to-face-child-porn-charges-277899401.html

Probationary jail guard at the Hobby Airport Correctional Institution, Lefty, has found himself facing charges of his own after showing pictures to inmates of a newly hired guard before her arrival...It was decided by corrections officials to assign a female guard to team up with Guard Lefty as he patrolled the nudist lesbian wing of the prison complex...

Since it was lesbian Mayor Annise Parker's idea to segregate the nudist lesbian inmates, where she personally keeps watch by remote video, she chose to implement the city's Affirmative Action program in hiring a new guard...Her choice of former Montgomery County Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian, was controversial as most observers agree there is little about her that could be described as "firm"...

Guard Lefty decided to show the deputy's picture to the inmates before her arrival so they would know what to expect, and due to Ms. Bunny's short stature and lack of clothing, they assumed Lefty was showing them child pornography in an attempt to get them aroused...Until the investigation is complete, Guard Lefty has been reassigned to mop duty in the conjugal visitation rooms of the prison's male poofter wing, where he is said to be making many new friends...

In the meantime, Deputy Dumpy Bunny has assumed new duties as the Hobby Airport animal control officer...The deputy spoke in a press conference in her whiny, annoying voice of her new ideas to save taxpayers money by encouraging animal adoption, one of which innovations is shown below...

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Craigslist ad: Russian submarine for sale in Hobby Airport plywood pool...

http://www.khou.com/news/weird/craigslist-ad-russian-submarine-for-sale-in-lake-conroe/490735577

CraigsList Christmas shoppers in the Hobby Airport Bath House District were astounded this morning to find their own "Russian connection" in their own neighborhood plywood pool...Already accustomed to tales of the famous Braniff Street attraction such as the perpetual coating of leaves, twigs and empty Corona Extra cans washing down into it from the roof of the mansion adjacent to the pool, residents could hardly believe their eyes when the advertisement appeared this morning in the "Water Toys" category of the popular CraigsList website...Touted as the "perfect accessory for the well-to-do poofter playboy," potential customers began ringing the doorbell of the mansion (which also houses the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum) before dawn...

The owner, who appeared at the door in his nightshirt but without his nightpants, waved his double-barreled Ballard shotgun wanting to know what the commotion was about...This naturally triggered calls to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police, who responded with trained hostage negotiator, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, who immediately cordoned off the entire block...This prompted a protest from the towel boys just ending their shift at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium next door to the mansion...Their union representative, identified only as "Lefty," said:

"Hey, we need to get to the Taco Bell across the street for breakfast before these two-for-one coupons we got in our tip jars expire"...

Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian known for her strict interpretations of the law, defused the situation by threatening to initiate a warrant sweep in the bath house, causing the protesting towel boys to withdraw and bolt the door of the popular establishment...The deputy then turned her attention back to the irate mansion owner, whose long-suffering daughter had now appeared at the door...She explained that the ad had probably been placed as a prank by a visiting Apache Junction building inspector, FredK, who became upset when she slammed the door in his face after he began flirting with her...She explained:

"I'm one of the only two straight women that live in this neighborhood, and it's bad enough to get hit on by all the lesbians...Then this old fool starts asking me to come see his model train layout..."

The former beauty queen, who now teaches remedial English at the Hobby Airport Reform School & Juvenile Detention Center, assured Deputy Dumpy Bunny she would call the VA Clinic to get her father's medications adjusted to calm him down, and said not to worry about his shotgun because she had taken the firing pins out many years ago...The deputy then stated she would interrogate FredK herself and collect any evidence and necessary bribes before filing her report...

Shown below is part of a diorama from the realistic Lake Powell section of FredK's model train display in Apache Junction, Arizona...

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Strong odor leads to massive illegal lobster operation...

http://www.aol.com/article/2014/10/20/strong-odor-leads-to-massive-illegal-lobster-operation/20981029/?ncid=webmail1

Law enforcement officials today are congratulating themselves on breaking an elusive lobster-smuggling ring...Captured in the multi-agency crackdown was professional nude lesbian oil-wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, whose only previous offenses have been her questionable choices in romantic partners...

The incident began as Hobby Airport Poofter Police stopped a suspicious truck on their normal patrol of area bath houses...As the truck came to a stop, officers observed several large lobsters crawl from the cargo bed, mostly dazed and holding their claws in the air, some waving tiny white flags...

The officers were unable to approach the truck due to the overpowering odor, and decided to call for backup from INTERPOOF, the multi-national agency which investigates gay crimes...The officers said they were glad it was Inspector Lefty who responded since he is known to be impervious to most offensive odors, although they said privately they can't get very close to him either...

As Inspector Lefty began his interview of Ms. McLeglock joined by newly-assigned probationary investigator, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, the culprit quickly broke down and confessed...She said she frequently is hired by the smuggler gang to drive the contraband-bearing truck after a vigorous wrestling match due to the fact that wrestling leaves her smelling like an over-loaded tuna boat...

As even Inspector Lefty started feeling nauseous, and had to step outdoors for a breath of fresher air near the Pasadena chemical plants, the questioning was continued by midget, lesbian Deputy Bunny...When he returned, he found Deputy Bunny had elicited a further confession of the names of all McLeglock's accomplices, but the deputy could not immediately explain why her bra and boxer- style panties were hanging on a coatrack while the now-nude Ms. Leglock was wearing her hat, and a strap-on "entertainment device"...

The suspect later claimed she would have confessed to the Lizzie Borden murders just to get away from the deputy's screechy, annoying voice...Since the lobsters were all underage and showed signs of abuse from being exposed to Ms. McLeglock's overpowering fishy stench, PETA was notified and are said to be pursuing their own charges, at a safe distance...

At arraignment, Ms. McLeglock's attorney of record, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., stated he would be calling in his expert witness, famed PNW sport fisherman Nox, although prosecutors are confused because Nox is an authority on crabs, not lobsters...Shown below are the lobster victims being housed in an impromptu compound while awaiting adoption by diners at a nearby Red Lobster Restaurant following a bath of boiling water and melted butter...

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The 9 states with the highest poofter taxes...

http://www.cbsnews.com/media/the-9-states-with-the-highest-property-taxes/

With both the East Coast and the West Coast sharing honors for having the states with the highest poofter taxes in America, some analysts have wondered how a large Gulf Coast state such as Texas has managed to survive with no state tax on homo activity...According to Hobby Airport Bath House District Director, Dewey Cheatham, the answer is simple...

"State taxes are not needed in Texas because our State Constitution specifies that individual Bath House Districts (BHD's) will be responsible for local services paid for through local taxation," stated Director Cheatham...He pointed to his own district where every poofter activity carries its own tax, fee, penalty and/or bribe...

As an example, he indicated the towel distribution system in local bath houses where an ad valorem tax is levied each time a towel boy hands a fresh one to a client based on the towel's degree of cleanliness and the cuteness of the towel boy...The towel boys themselves collect their own form of tax for services rendered such as bending over to pick up a client's dropped towel or Dove soap...

Bar service is taxed separately on an ascending scale based on orders from Hamm's beer all the way up to Napoleon brandy served in snifters...Customers ordering Coors generally qualify for public assistance, and may receive an earned credit against any court-ordered breathalyzer tests...

Asked whether the locally-based taxation methods have proven successful, Director Cheatham replied, "Oh yes, my own standard of living is at an all time high due to weekly rake-offs and kickbacks from collections, while complaints have dropped to near zero since protests and criticisms must be filed with the Civil Grievance Division"...He further explained that since the division is now staffed by midget lesbian Dumpy Bunny, complainants don't feel that charges are worth filing if they are forced to listen to her screechy, annoying voice...

In the short video clip below, Cheatham is shown reacting to Ms. Bunny's hiring interview just before okaying her employment on the condition that she never speak to him or come near him again...

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Doctors unable to attach severed penis of Wu-Tang poofter affiliated rapper...

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/doctors-unable-reattach-severed-penis-wu-tang-clan-affiliated-rapper-report-article-1.1759515

The problem, of course, occurred when Dr. Tchytz of the Braniff Street Sex Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop tried to attach the severed penis to a Hobby Airport area towel boy as an extension of his own unit...The severed penis reacted much the way women have reacted to the patient his entire life, and attempted to jump off the operating table and run...

To protect the identity of the patient, he has been assigned the anonymous code name of "Lefty"...In the meantime, midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny, on assignment to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police has been told to be on the lookout for the escaped penis, and she has vowed to find it if she has to strip search every bath house client in South Houston...

Deputy Bunny is shown below in undated file footage from his/her/its patrol car dashcam...

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Bath house customers get hacked...

http://money.cnn.com/2014/10/10/news/companies/dairy-queen-malware/

Showing that even gay bath houses are not immune to internet hackers, the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium reports today that its membership records were hacked by an anonymous web hacker...Not all clients were victims in this attack, as it seems only lipstick lesbians who would rate an 8.5 or better on the Playboy Scale were vulnerable...

The bath house Chief of Security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, said in a press release that all such crimes are taken seriously by management, and they have retained the services of a specialist...Mr. Balsac then introduced midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny, formerly of Montgomery County Precinct 0 and now permanently assigned to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...

Deputy Bunny stated in her annoying voice that no effort will be spared in her investigation, and she has already identified a "person of interest," a towel boy who has been observed spying on the lesbian shower rooms through a hidden peephole...The diminutive deputy said a much lower peephole has been installed so she can look from the other side and gather evidence from the poofter showers...

When the deputy was asked whether this will be an undercover assignment, she stripped off her uniform revealing that she only wore a strap-on "entertainment device" in order to have a place to conceal her badge...Asked where she intended to carry her weapon, Mr. Balsac was heard to mutter, "She is a weapon"...

Pressed for more details on what data was stolen from the victims, Mr. Balsac said the only info lost seemed to concern phone numbers and addresses, plus lists of lesbo porn sites visited by the lesbian clientele...The determined deputy vowed to bring the culprit to justice if she had to strip search every lipstick lesbo in South Houston...

A towel boy lurking nearby, known only as "Lefty," volunteered his time in that effort, but was declined by the switch-hitting deputy, saying in her squeaky voice, "I'll interview this one separately"...Lefty also could not immediately explain the data recorder found in his tip jar (pictured below)...

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Minimum Wage Hikes Force Bath House To Raise Pay At Hobby Airport...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/24/walmart-minimum-wage_n_6376912.html?utm_hp_ref=business

Spurred by the demands of a lesbian powder room attendant, newly hired under the Obama administration's Latin American immigration quota standards, the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium's executive committee governing compensation issues has been forced to raise minimum lesbian wages to a level matching their male counterparts...The complainant, whose name is listed as Latrina from the island nation of Barmaidia, listed her occupation as a bath house knob polisher, but was known to have ties to gay revolutionary organizations...

Her reputation as an agitator surfaced immediately after she learned that male poofter men's room attendants earned 42 cents per hour plus tips, a full four cents more than lesbians performing the same duties in sapphic powder rooms...Defending the pay disparity, senior men's room attendant RHM said his duties were worth the extra money since he was required to wipe the sweat from between his clients' belly fat rolls in addition to keeping their cigars lit on their men's room visits...

Latrina argued that RHM's bath house salary is nothing compared to the wealth he has accumulated from his male lingerie boutique which he operates inside the poofter men's room...She said her clientele decline such finery, preferring instead to dress in male boxer shorts and undershirts when not nude, imitating their idol, professional lesbian oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock...

The dispute was settled by arbitrator and chief towel boy Lefty, following a three-way "conference" behind closed doors between him, Latrina and midget lesbian security guard, Deputy Dumpy Bunny...Lefty announced that a threatened strike was cancelled as committee members agreed to raise lesbian wages to 40 cents while lowering poofter wages to the same amount...

RHM did not protest the change when he learned that IRS agents would no longer audit his tip jar on their frequent bath house visits on the promise of a discounted door fee for federal employees...Meanwhile Lefty changed his Facebook status to indicate he is now dating Latrina, as well as Dumpy Bunny and Ms. McLeglock on alternate Thursdays...

Shown below, part of a multi-agency task force prepares to enter the bath house on a daily unannounced lunchtime compliance inspection...

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Japan, China ruling poofter parties to resume exchanges...

http://the-japan-news.com/news/article/0002030003

With the recent power shift in the Chinese bath house hierarchy, a degree of normalcy may return to Asian poofter society...Veteran administrator Hu Flung Dung has returned to the seat of power as China's Director of the Ministry of Laundry, which oversees all bath house and poofter entertainment operations...

Former Laundry Minister Lef Ti will be relegated to a position as assistant towel boy in the Beijing Peoples' Poofter Collective after he successfully completes a re-education process in the Hanzhob District of the remote interior regions of China...He will be instructed in obedience to the poofter traditions by Showermaster Rili Huang Min (RHM) who some sources claim is a distant relative of Lef Ti...

Meanwhile, as Hu Flung Dung resumes power, analysts predict a warming of relations between Chinese and Japanese bath house factions...The power struggle between national nude sumo oil wrestling representatives has been replaced by talk of an exhibition match of the popular sport between the team of former nude lesbian oil wrestling champion Mazola McLeglock with her partner midget lesbian amateur fighter Dumpy Bunny, versus a Sino-Japanese team...

An informal bath house poll suggests the team of 650 pound Chinese sumo champion Hef Ti and midget Japanese oil wrestler Dinki Winki would draw a huge crowd against the lesbian pair...Sports writers are already suggesting that the lesbian team has an unfair advantage if Dumpy Bunny attempts to use her shrill, annoying voice to shatter Hef Ti's titanium knee hinges...

One of the potential sponsors of the match, Gorilla ® Brand Duct Tape, says the use of its product together with a tennis ball will prevent the problem...A meeting between Japanese Poofter Minister (PM) "Abe" and Chinese Laundry Director Dung is already scheduled in an effort to work out any hard feelings...

Shown below, Japanese Trade Minister (TM) Sukyu Longdime and a lesbian assistant prepare seating mats together with a derivative of Hamm's beer for the traditional BJ exchange between the two poofter leaders...

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Obama Ready to Ramp Up Epoofa Airport Screening...

http://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/ebola-virus-outbreak/obama-ready-ramp-ebola-airport-screening-n219811

President Obama has announced his choice to lead the fight against Epoofa, the widely spreading bath house disease that has now infected poofters worldwide...The President has chosen the world's foremost expert in lesbian behavior, Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies...

The President made his announcement speaking from behind a bulletproof towel at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, while on a fundraising trip for embattled lesbo Houston mayor, Annise Parker...Secret Service agents were stationed inside the facility, but could be spotted easily as they carried their weapons, badges, communication equipment and lunches concealed in their government issued thongs...

Mayor Parker's security detail was headed by midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny of Precinct 0 on loan to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...The Mayor began the press meeting by introducing the President with a short speech and a playful slap on his exposed posterior...

The President then spoke of the baffling disease which so far has only infected poofters, lesbians and undecided transgenders...He said the strange disorder is only known to be transmitted by internet contact when homosexuals exchange gay porn videos in gay/lesbian chat rooms, but cannot be passed when the porn is on celluloid film, or by direct contact with each other...

The President said that Professor Lefty has come up with the brilliant idea to have all known gay/lesbo porn transferred to celluloid film for screening by poofters in all airports while they wait for their patdowns and body cavity searches by TSA employees...Mr. Obama went on to say that the limited trials conducted by the professor in airports have resulted in no new infections...

Professor Lefty also spoke at the press conference saying, "All these fat homos want is some entertainment while they wait in line naked to get groped by the TSA before they board their flights, and old-fashioned film is the safest way to do it"...The professor then went on to vow to eradicate this baffling disease if he has to personally inspect every lesbian nudist camp in the country...

After the meeting, it was announced that the President would spend some time in individual private meetings with some of the more influential and attractive Democrat poofters in attendance...Mayor Parker and Deputy Dumpy Bunny attended a group security debriefing with the nudist lesbian contingent...

Pictured below is the President and his Secret Service bodyguards arriving at the bath house entrance...

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Motorcycle wheel stolen in broad daylight returned to rightful owner in HABHD...

https://www.khou.com/article/life/family/motorcycle-stolen-in-1971-returned-to-rightful-owners-in-houston/285-df9f2fbd-6151-4515-912c-949224f629dd 

A recent daylight theft in the Hobby Airport Bath House District was averted by an alert resident who witnessed the theft...Newcomer Puffy Cravinmore, a beautiful, pixie-like traveler who decided to save some time in her motorcycle journey from Central Texas to a Gulf Coast beach where she might obtain a more even winter tan, unknowingly entered the HABHD hoping to save some time...She then made the mistake of stopping at an intersection on Braniff Street near the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, an act which knowledgeable motorists avoid due to the high incidence of theft and solicitation from street peddlers...

Before she had even come to a full stop she was approached by Lefty, a local bath house towel boy who offered her a discount coupon for a massage from Armenian lesbian masseuse, Tesla D...Already repelled by Lefty's body odor, Ms. Cravinmore was reaching into her leather jacket for her can of industrial strength Febreze, when Lefty, who thought she was going for a concealed handgun, suddenly backed away...At this time Ms. Cravinmore put her BMW motorcycle into gear, and attempted to ride away when she discovered she couldn't because her rear wheel was missing...

While she was distracted by Lefty's unwanted attention, she was unaware that the thieves in the Hobby Airport area are so well practiced, as well as brazen, they had placed her BMW on a cinder block and made off with the wheel while the bike was still running...Fortunately for her the incident was witnessed by the laconic yet sharp-eyed neighborhood handyman, Gristmill Mikey, a rehabilitated ex-convict who approached her telling her not to worry...Mikey's calming words took some of her fear away from his scary, unusual appearance...At that moment she realized that his only garments were a tool belt, a loincloth made of Harley-Davidson chain links and steel-toed boots...

What she had first taken for antique, engraved leather clothing was actually Mikey's own skin...She also noticed when he scratched his jawline with a steel screwdriver, sparks flew from it...At this moment she realized this may be the toughest man she ever met...He reassured her that what had happened was a common occurrence in the HABHD, and that he could get her wheel returned to her...After loading the rest of her BMW into his Ford diesel pickup, he drove her to the tattoo parlor of his girlfriend, Sidecar Sophie, when he noticed towel boy Lefty trying to peek into her parlor where he knew she often worked in the nude...

Lefty noticed Ms. Cravinmore before he saw Mikey, and immediately asked her for a date...She explained she was already married to another man and two other women, and wasn't interested...At this time Mikey ejected Lefty from the premises, and told Ms. Cravinmore she would be safe there with Sophie while he recovered her property...Inside she met Sophie who was doing a costly tattoo removal procedure on midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny...Ms. Bunny had earlier been tattooed with an image of gay comedian Ellen Degeneres, but started the removal process when the celebrity refused to take her phone calls, or answer her insistent letters...Still being on duty, the deputy and part-time night watchperson took Ms. Cravinmore's statement on the theft...

Soon Ms. Cravinmore heard the familiar sound of her BMW approaching, and went outside to see Gristmill Mikey riding up on her motorcycle...Mikey explained that he already knew of a gang of motorcycle thieves recruited by newly arrived Sicilian deportee, Carmine "The Hat" Caponescu, who was kicked out of the Italian Mafia for excessive brutality...The gang had been formed from local juvenile detention school dropouts, and were responsible for a spate of motorcycle parts thefts...But they already knew of the formidable reputation of reformed bad boy Mikey, and at his suggestion, they not only reassembled the BMW, but also detailed and polished it, changed the oil, filled the tank with gas and left a letter of apology taped to the bike's windscreen...

Ms. Cravinmore thanked Mikey profusely, and accepted his advice to find another shortcut to the beach next time, or at least avoid slowing down on Braniff Street...

Pictured below is the remainder of Ms. Cravinmore's motorcycle immediately after her brief, but ill-timed stop in the HABHD...

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Dwarf planet Ceres has watery vapors...

http://www.smh.com.au/technology/sci-tech/dwarf-planet-ceres-has-water-vapour-20140123-319xi.html

Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory reports new findings from his study of the pilates class at the YWCA down the street from his observatory at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...His newly installed powerful Tasco telescope has enabled him to more closely study the movements of the overweight lesbians in the exercise rooms...

Says Dr. Lefty, "This new telescope lets me home in much closer than the old Bounty paper towel roll I was using before...I can see their asteroids and everything!"...Dr. Lefty said he made the investment in the new equipment after being informed that the lesbian classes would begin to be held in the nude...

His most astounding observation to date has been the watery vapors that seem to be emanating from the chief instructor whose name is Ceres...Her students refer to her as a "planet" since she is large and round, and the exercising students all revolve around her...

Dr. Lefty adds, "As Ceres starts to get sweaty from all the exercise, I can see this watery vapor escape her body now and then...It seems to occur more if she has green chili burritos for lunch"...Dr. Lefty has announced his intention to study the phenomenon more closely if his duties as head towel boy don't interfere with his scientific endeavors...

Dr. Lefty further notes that since Ceres is a dwarf as well as a lesbian, he believes the cost of his telescope, newly acquired from a local pawn shop, may qualify for reimbursement under the Gay Americans With Disabilities Act...

Update: Dr. Lefty also notes guard duty at the lesbian classes have been assumed by off-duty Precinct 0 Deputy Dumpy Bunny of Montgomery County...The diminutive midget lesbian is particularly difficult to evade for Lefty as his center of attention is at her eye level...

Dr. Lefty painfully recalls his first encounter with Deputy Bunny in a traffic stop (seen in dashcam footage below) in which he jokingly offered to compare guns with her...

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Police detonate pressure cooker outside South Houston Taco Bell...

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-32875263

Tragedy was averted for many residents today as Hobby Airport Poofter Police took quick action on reports of a possible WMD found abandoned in a Taco Bell parking lot...Deputy Dumpy Bunny responded to a report of a strange device found oozing bubbles and emitting a foul vapor left near a '76 AMC Pacer at the Taco Bell near the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

In her approach the device began to rumble and shake, causing her to call in backup from the bomb squad who were across the street investigating the ongoing complaint of offensive odors from the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum...Bomb squad officers quickly diverted to the Taco Bell parking lot as the proprietor of the museum shook his cane at them from his porch...

Seeing a name and phone number etched into the handle of the device, officers called the number and spoke to a woman identifying herself as the mother of Lefty, a well known towel boy at the bath house next door...She said she had loaned her pressure cooker to her son so he could soak his gym socks and thong underwear in a solution of boric acid and vinegar in an attempt to remove a stubborn odor...

Bomb squad officers proceeded to wrap the device, along with a quantity of C-4 explosive in several layers of Kevlar blanket, then remotely exploded it...Damage to the '76 AMC Pacer was said to be undetermined as it didn't seem to look any worse than before...

Deputy Bunny, a midget lesbian, held an after-action press conference standing atop an empty Hamm's Beer Tallboy case, and said the all clear siren will be sounded as soon as EPA responders verify the air quality...She also said Lefty's mom declined the return of her pressure cooker, saying she would rather pick up another one at a garage sale this weekend...

Lefty (shown below), who had thought his laundry would be safe in the parking lot while he walked to a local 7-11 to inquire about their "Free Slurpee" promotion, offered this comment: "Hey man, I asked the chick at 7-11 for a free slurpee, and she hands me this cup of sugary colored ice...What a ripoff!"...

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Man allegedly videotaped women in bathhouse shower at State Park...

http://www.oleantimesherald.com/news/cattaraugus_county/article_eff52e4e-5094-11e4-87f1-734aa64e05be.html

The man who allegedly filmed women in a state park shower has offered some conflicting stories to explain his presence in the facility while wearing only mismatched shower clogs and a ball cap reading "Director"...The suspect, who answers only to Lefty, at first claimed he was a park employee who was handing out free towels to the naked ladies...

The towels all turned out to be reported stolen from a nearby Motel 6 maid's laundry cart, but at least were clean...The maid says she saw a strange man in a raincoat lurking near her cart who repeatedly asked her whether she spoke English...The maid said she reported the man to the front desk by phone in one of the empty guest's rooms, and when she returned to her cart, all the fresh towels were missing...

"Lefty" then told police he was a Hollywood scout who was there on a recruiting assignment to find actresses for an upcoming documentary titled "Hot Babes of Hobby Airport Recreation Dept."...The only identification he could produce were some handwritten (and misspelled) business cards which seemed to written on the backs of other business cards which had been reported taken along with some packets of hot sauce from the cashier's desk at a local Taco Bell...

The investigation was turned over to a newly hired part-time park ranger who identified herself as Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a midget lesbian who also took custody of Lefty's recording equipment, which seemed to be an older cell phone which had video capability...Deputy Bunny promised a thorough investigation which she said would include a strip search and body cavity search of the suspect, of whom she seemed to have prior knowledge...

Lefty's only other possession seems to be an empty plastic Hamm's beer six-pack holder which he claimed he was holding for the deposit...Shown below is the initial questioning of suspect Lefty...

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Hobby Airport woman marries herself after being single for six years...

http://www.aol.com/article/2014/10/06/london-woman-marries-herself-after-being-single-for-six-years/20973249/?ncid=webmail7

In what is being touted as the strangest wedding in poofter history, midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny, formerly of Montgomery County Precinct 0 and now assigned to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police, has married herself in a double ring ceremony...The "rings" refer to the circus rings installed in the wedding chapel of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity by the owner/operator/pastor, Father Lefty...

Sensing a sure-thing publicity stunt for his fledgling nuptials business, Father Lefty encouraged a circus-like atmosphere in a tent erected next to the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium where the pastor also earns a living as a towel boy...Father Lefty said in a press release, "This may be the deputy's last chance to marry as no one else is likely to take her hand; at least not while sober"...

The wedding was self-financed by the deputy from her earnings as a part-time night guard at a nearby piano-roll museum operated by an elderly, eccentric former CIA pilot, and now unpaid advisor to the Houston City Council...The engagement photos were taken by the deputy at a scenic plywood pool at the same location, using a self-timer on her iPhone...

Records obtained by this publication indicate that the deputy has been engaged or married numerous times to upstanding, but gullible men, and occasionally women...The most recent wedding was to a now retired, reclusive and far less wealthy former firearms dealer who, when asked to comment on his marriage, mutters only unintelligible, profane gibberish while waving his cane wildly...

It is said that in her search for a new victim, the deputy could find no one to accept her proposal, as all eligible bachelors seem to be aware that their pockets will begin to empty as soon as the vows are spoken...Ms. Bunny then made the unique decision to marry herself, although it is unclear how she expects to profit monetarily, other than as a tax deduction to herself as her own dependent...

Father Lefty served in a dual capacity as he not only performed the marriage, but also gave away the bride (with a strict no-return policy)...Father Lefty's brother, and operator of a popular male lingerie boutique, RHM also did double duty as both flower girl and matron of honor...

The honeymoon will be in an undisclosed location, although it was learned that one of the wedding gifts was a large, battery-operated "entertainment device" from RHM's boutique...Father Lefty offered to video the honeymoon night as part of the packaged wedding but his offer was declined...

Always smelling a potential profit, famed divorce attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., pressed his business card into the bride/groom's hand saying to come see him if things don't work out...The midget bride is pictured below saying "I do" to herself in her annoying, squeaky voice...

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North Korea Denies Hacking LeftyInTheNews but Calls Attack a ‘Righteous Deed’...

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/08/business/north-korea-denies-hacking-sony-but-calls-attack-a-righteous-deed.html?_r=0

The recent cyber attack on the well-respected news analysis source, LeftyInTheNews, thought to be the amateurish effort of North Korea's poofter dictator, Kim Jong-un, is being described by the despot as "righteous, but not my doing"...Speaking out from his heavily guarded compound deep in the mist-covered forests of Conroe, the mysterious publisher and entrepreneur Truckman answered Kim's denial, saying, "The truth stands alone"...

As usual, the inscrutable Truckman's words may have many meanings, but the message here is clear: he feels that the ineffective slap at his impenetrable cyber defenses can only be the work of an asiatic madman bent on ruling the world from the homoerotic fantasy world he created in his own hot tub...Truckman's keen senses see past the smokescreen of laughable subterfuge the dictator has thrown up in hopes of hiding his true aims of poofter world dominance...

Even Truckman's natural opponents agree that although his beliefs are often diametrically opposed to their own, his reporting and publishing style is impartial and balanced, leaving no doubt as to the veracity of his words...Indeed his own greedy, jezebel ex-wives are forced to agree that although their plans to rob him blind were thwarted, they were dealt with in an unprejudiced manner as their evil plots were ignominiously defeated...

At the expense of being ridiculed even by his own kind, Kim Jong-un continues to deny responsibility while praising the effort, "I not do it, but was good idea!...Where my rubber ducky?!"...His close compatriot, former lowly towel boy and now Director of China's Ministry of Laundry, Lef Ti, had this statement, "Sissy poofter should have learned to stay in own bath house, leave Truckman alone!"...

Well known towel boy Lefty, of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium commented, "Who the hell is Truckman?...Got any spare change?"...Loitering nearby, bath house security guard and midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny said in her squeaky, irritating voice, "Somebody pass the chicken wings"...

As worldwide opinion continues to lean heavily against the absurd refutal by the fat, preposterous North Korean tyrant, Truckman issued this guarded warning, "Kim should keep his head down and shut up before somebody in my parody studio decides to make a video about him"...Pictured below is North Korea's latest warship preparing to do simulated battle in the Asian war games...

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Hobby Airport man accused of running Conroe gambling operation...

http://www.yourhoustonnews.com/kingwood/news/kingwood-man-accused-of-running-conroe-gambling-operation/article_ddadb0c5-1c46-5175-b0f3-731d2327b722.html

Long known for his pari-mutuel gambling operation during the cockroach races in South Houston bath house locker rooms, entrepreneur Lefty has ventured into the high stakes world of downtown Conroe for his latest venture...Incarcerated briefly on a vagrancy charge in the Conroe jail, Lefty commented that the town was so dull he saw men betting on which restroom stall would be open next at the local bus station...

Seeing the immediate interest generated by his remark, he launched a new oddsmaking enterprise at the Dave Grubb Pay Toilet facility, gambling on which client would need to renew his time on the coin-operated stall meters...Lefty ran afoul of the law when a client noticed some the meters seemed to be out of time...

A sting operation was put into effect with undercover midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny of Precinct 0 in charge...She was chosen because her short stature enabled her to peek under the doors to verify the "one customer to a stall" rule without bending over...

She quickly found evidence of meter-tampering, and after losing several bets at the $2.00 window, she arrested Lefty on charges of operating a casino without proper ventilation and distribution of counterfeit Charmin...Arraignment is set for Tuesday and odds are 3-1 against Lefty securing bail from his daddy's company, Swifty's All Night Bail Bond, Repo & Payday Loan Service...

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Google replaces Street View car with Wino...

http://www.fudzilla.com/home/item/35986-google-replaces-street-view-car-with-camel

Internet giant Google has hit on a low-tech idea to stop the theft of its high-tech gadgetry...Long known for its "Street View" feature on GoogleMap, their roving video units hit a snag when they reached the crime and poofter ridden Hobby Airport bath house district of South Houston...

No matter what vehicle they drove, the crews were immediately set upon by clever thieves who would steal their cameras, computers, recorders, lunches or anything not securely fastened...One driver lost his Timex watch while signaling for a left turn, and another crew had their hubcaps stolen while driving at 25 miles per hour...

The rampant crime is explained by midget, lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny of the Hobby Airport Poofter Police in her annoying, squeaky voice, "There are some unscrupulous towel boys in these bath houses here who have secret peepholes to spy on the nudist lesbian yoga classes, and they sell peeks by the minute to any vagrant with the price"...He/she went on to say that the homeless residents in the area will steal anything to sell at a pawn shop for a quick look at the naked lesbos...

The diminutive deputy was assigned to the case since she is short enough to hide behind a fireplug, and being a switch-hitting lesbian herself, blends into the community well...The perplexed Google crews then noticed that no thief would come near a particular wino in the district because of his overpowering odor...

They hit on the idea of the wino, whose name is Lefty, to wear a camera around his neck as he aimlessly wandered the streets in search of Hamm's beer cans which might still contain a swallow of beer...The idea worked, and Lefty was rewarded for the needed pictures with a daily sixer of Hamm's and a Taco Bell bean burrito...

The camera, of course, was useless to Google afterwards because of the smell attached to it, and they let Lefty keep it to augment a peep-show business he operates on the side when on the job as a towel boy at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Asked if he ever gets in trouble with his sideline business, Lefty replied, "No, there's this midget lesbo with a badge who looks the other way because I let her look at the naked homos through the peephole from her side of the bath house"...

Shown below, Lefty is being fitted for the camera by a Google employee who afterwards checked into a clinic and applied for convalescent leave...

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Next Marine rotation Down Under to include more lesbos...

http://www.marinecorpstimes.com/story/military/2015/01/24/1st-battalion-4th-marines-headed-to-australia/22189965/

Vice Commodore Lefty (Ret.) of the Mounted Horse Marines has announced changes in the rotation schedule for the next major Marine deployment...When it was made known that the assignment would be "down under," the volunteer list was suddenly filled with every lesbian in the Corps, including some male cross-dressers awaiting their gender reassignment surgeries in the VA Clinic...

Comm. Lefty himself has asked for reinstatement to active duty as an observer in all barracks, nude beach and massage parlor operations in this important military undertaking...Filing his briefs, the Commodore said, "This deployment will demand the strictest attention to detail in assuring these rugmunchers perform their duties in an orderly, proficient military manner, and my vast experience in observing lesbians will be invaluable to the Corps"...

New recruit and former deputy, Dumpy Bunny, assigned to Military Police duties vowed to strictly enforce all military dress codes (including cross-dress codes) by performing on the spot strip searches of all lesbians suspected of padding their portfolios...When asked why she volunteered for this mission, she stated, "Because it's down under, and that's where the action is"...

A former Utah National Guard member, now known only as Father X, will serve as the unit's chaplain and will offer the blessings of St. Britney to all believers, and additionally will closely regulate the issuance of Coors ration cards by sampling random purchases from the base liquor store...

Shown below are some of the sacred religious artifacts entrusted to Chaplain X, and used in the performance of his spiritual duties...

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