China shocks world by genetically engineering poofter embryos...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/11558305/China-shocks-world-by-genetically-engineering-human-embryos.html

Honorable Master Lef Ti of the PF Chang Poofter & Laundry Academy has managed to turn the sporting world upside down with his revelation that he can engineer athletes by growing them from poofter embryos...Gathering stem cells taken from a centrally located "stem" on selected bath house clients in the Beijing People's Poofter Collective, Lef Ti has, over a period of time, grown cultures suitable for the popular Asian bath house sport of nude sumo oil wrestling...

Using a growth accelerator developed in his own laboratory/living quarters, Lef Ti grew one specimen from a single cell  grown in a discarded Motel 6 ashtray into the 650 pound behemoth called Hef Ti, who is partnered with the Japanese midget oil wrestler Dinki Winki, as the nude sumo tag team, Mister Blister...Accomplishing this in less than a year, Lef Ti said he enlisted the help of a vacationing lesbian laundry girl from Hong Kong, by injecting the cell into her using his own probe...

The growth accelerator caused the birth of Hef Ti to occur before the laundress ended her vacation, whereupon he was left in a laundry basket together with Lef Ti's laundry and a note from her attorney on Lef Ti's doorstep...The Honorable Master admitted he was unprepared for the foundling's insatiable appetite, especially for the contraband Hamm's beer he had hoarded away...

However, Lef Ti was fortunate enough to find several clandestine games of chance, and after substituting his own dice, was able to win adequately to buy enough Hamm's on the black market until Hef Ti was of adult size, a process that took about six months...Meanwhile Hef Ti was given intense instruction in the martial arts by allowing him to watch the Bruce Lee channel on Beijing cable TV while Lef Ti plied his trade as a towel boy in the poofter collective...

At the age of six months, Hef Ti could pass as a young man, and he gained employment as a hot tub lifeguard (as shown in the photo below) until Lef Ti paired him with Dinki Winki for their first tag team match...Afterwards, the sport of nude sumo oil wrestling was set on its ear, as were all their opponents by using their trademark step-over belly roll to subdue their adversaries...

At this writing, it is unclear whether Lef Ti will remain as their manager, or be sent back to the Hanzhob People's Poofter Collective for more re-education because he failed to get prior approval from the director of China's Ministry of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung, before beginning his experiments...However, the profits from booking their matches and collecting the side bets is said to be financing Director Dung's lavish lifestyle...

More World News articles...

More Sports articles...

Chinese Poofters Ask Kerry to Help Tear Down a Firewall...

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/16/world/asia/chinese-ask-kerry-to-help-tear-down-a-firewall.html?hpw&rref=politics&_r=0

In what is being hailed as a diplomatic first, a group of Chinese activist poofters have requested the assistance of Secretary of State Kerry in tearing down a wall outside a Beijing bath house...Oriental towel boy and entrepreneur Lef Ti has put up a wall at the entrance to the popular Eastern Delight Bath House where he examines ID's and "packages" as well as accepts bribes before entry...

Beijing activists claim this is a violation of basic homo rights, while Lef Ti says he is merely maintaining minimum standards per international bath house bylaws...Says Lef Ti, "They gotta have ten inches or ten bucks...No dickee, no suckee!"...Lef Ti spoke through a translator identified only as "RHM" said to be part of a cultural exchange from a South Houston bath house...

Secretary Kerry will attempt to intervene on behalf of poofter relations as he had planned a personal inspection tour of the facility anyway...He also claimed diplomatic immunity to waive the customary entry fee...

Update 1: Kerry visits largest bath house in Southeast Asia...

http://www.dailystar.com.lb/News/International/2014/Feb-16/247491-kerry-visits-largest-mosque-in-southeast-asia.ashx#axzz2tUrr6wA9

"After removing his skivvies outside the poofter center in the heart of Jakarta, Kerry took a 20-minute tour through the vast building accompanied by head towel boy, Lef Ti..."

It was only after leaving the bath house that Kerry noticed a burning sensation in his posterior...He reported that while being closely followed by Lef Ti in the steam-filled sauna, he felt something like the "prick of a pin"...Authorities suspect he may have actually felt the "prick of a pinhead towel boy" instead...

Embassy spokesmen also report that Kerry could not find his wallet and wristwatch before leaving the locker room...

Update 2: John Kerry to urge underwear change in Indonesia speech...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/10641691/John-Kerry-to-urge-climate-change-action-in-Indonesia-speech.html

Secretary Kerry, noting the unusual odor emanating from his Indonesian tour guide, Lef Ti, has requested through official diplomatic channels that an underwear change be completed before the bath house tour resumes...

Shown below, Lef Ti made the news in his after hours career...

Roving correspondent Dan interjects: 

"Again I must advise you that Lefty takes umbrage at these  dastardly rumors, not to mention the roomers in his boarding house."

Editorial response:

Point # 1: I must remind you, sir, this news agency merely report the news as Google News Service provides it...I also interpret the true meaning of the news items as it is obviously slanted and filtered by the liberal mainstream press...

Point # 2: This string of news stories concerns an Indonesian towel boy named Lef Ti, not your protege and cabana boy, Lefty...Please observe the rules of common courtesy, and refrain from making unwarranted accusations against this humble servant...

Point # 3: I feel compelled to warn you that Lefty has been charging a number of beef jerky sticks to your Spec's account as he picks up your daily Corona Extra ration...

 More Politics articles...

More World News articles...

Impact of lower oil prices on Asian bath house economies...

http://www.bangkokpost.com/business/news/464181/impact-of-lower-oil-prices-on-asian-economies

As oil prices plummet on products from the olive, canola and coconut markets, interest has picked up on the sport of nude lesbian oil wrestling, especially in the Asian bath house industry...In China, the state-owned Slippi Slidee Bath Oil Co. controlled under the auspices of newly named Oil Minister Hu Flung Dung, has begun a new marketing strategy to increase sales...

In a typical turn of events behind the bamboo curtain, the Chinese Oil Ministry must now report to the Ministry of Laundry, run by Hu Flung's one-time friend, former bath house towel boy and now Director, Lef Ti...Hu Flung's latest suggestion to employ retired lesbian oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, to promote the Slippi Slidee product line is thought to be a political ploy designed to distract Lef Ti, a long time admirer of Ms. McLeglock's prowess...

Lef Ti's efforts to induce Ms. McLeglock to tour the Chinese bath house circuit in a series of exhibition matches were always declined due to Lef Ti's previous career as a bath house towel boy...It seems Ms. McLeglock prior experiences with a Hobby Airport area towel boy were unfavorable leaving her with doubts concerning Lef Ti's sincerity...

However, Hu Flung Dung was more successful in his efforts due to his executive background as the former Minister of Laundry before the coup that led to Lef Ti's rise to power...Hu Flung is said to have learned much about Lef Ti's life from his apprenticeship to Showermaster Rili Huang Min (RHM) during his incarceration at the Hanzhob Peoples' Poofter Collective where he was sent for "re-education"...

Poofter analysts are closely watching Hu Flung's re-entry into the Chinese bath house power structure as it may signal another purge in the upper levels...Not wishing to involve herself in political intrigue, Ms. McLeglock's travel entourage has been assigned a security detail headed by midget lesbian and former deputy Dumpy Bunny, who is said to be feared by Chinese poofters for her fierce protection of Ms. McLeglock's assets...

Although normally involved in international poofter and lesbian concerns, UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty has not been consulted for advice, and his office door, pictured below, is strangely closed while calls to his private pay phone have gone unanswered...

More World News articles...

Kim Jong-un has not been blown for 37 days and the testicle valve is about to explode...

http://www.smh.com.au/world/kim-jongun-has-not-been-seen-for-37-days-and-the-internet-is-about-to-explode-20141010-113zop.html

There is growing concern today for the welfare of those close to North Korean leader and poofter Kim Jong-un as it has been determined by his astrologist that he has not been blown in 37 days...In this, the Korean Year of the Jackass, his astrology advisors calculated that unless his scrotum pressure is relieved no less than once every 38 days, the overpressure valve in his Korean-counterfeited Fruit of the Looms could explode, triggering WWIII...

Even his hand-picked stable of male concubines have all refused to service him at this late date, even under threat of death, due to the danger of decapitation at the time of release...In an unprecedented move, Kim Jong-un's staff of advisors has decided to open diplomatic channels to neighboring China and ask for a specialist...

Red China's Ministry of Laundry, which has jurisdiction over all state-run bath houses, is known to harbor a towel boy named Lef Ti in the Beijing People's Poofter Collective...Although Lef Ti has a unique aura about him known to be offensive to the olfactory senses of Asian poofters, he is also known to accept unusual challenges, especially if a big tip is involved...

Negotiations are underway between the communist nations in an attempt to forestall a nuclear holocaust...Sources close to the bargaining table quoted Lef Ti as saying, "I blow crazy Korean homo, what in it for me?"...

Update: War may have been averted as Lef Ti was seen crossing the China/Korea border carrying a diplomatic pouch of Taco Bell green chili burritos, known to be a hard to get delicacy in North Korea and normally considered contraband punishable by castration...Spy satellites later detected an activity resembling a small explosion in the private chamber area of Kim Jong-un's presidential palace...

Later seen re-crossing the border under truce flags, a disgruntled Lef Ti was heard to mutter, "I save world and all I get is extra ration of soybean egg rolls!"...Shown below is the drive-through rickshaw entrance to the Beijing Taco Bell where Lef Ti emerged with his diplomatic pouch...

More World News articles...

On the international newsfront...

Well, as we all know, Mondays are traditionally a slow news day among the South Houston poofter community due to the fact most of them are devout members of the orthodox wing of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity, and thus celebrate their Sabbath between 6PM Sunday and 4AM Tuesday...

That being the case, we found this item on the international news desk:

http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/07/05/us-hongkong-ninawang-idUSBRE9630FX20130705

The wealthy Hong Kong billionairess, who was known as Manchu Dong before his/her experimental Danish surgery in the late fifties, died unexpectedly in a mysterious kitchen appliance accident...The last will & testament of the deceased, who is said to descended from Emperor Manchu Dong who founded the Dong Dynasty, has been challenged in court by an unemployed Chinese towel boy whose name cannot be translated into English, but is pronounced: "Lef Ti"...

Lef Ti has introduced an alternative will written ten minutes before his/her death found written on the men's room wall at the grand opening of the Hong Kong WalMart in blue magic marker...The late billionairess's family representatives have filed affidavits showing that he/she had never visited a public restroom and was also allergic to Magic Marker ink...

While the Chinese probate court sorts out the competing wills, Lef Ti faces deportation hearings related to locker room pilfering charges from a Singapore bath house...At press time, no country has been found which will accept Lef Ti if the government is successful in obtaining the deportation warrant...

Update bulletin: The court has rejected Lef Ti's claim of a will written on a men's room wall...Lef Ti subsequently submitted a "text message will" he claims the billionaire sent him moments before his death (seen below)...

More World News articles...

Complete crossdresser from 2,200 years ago found at Terracotta Poofter site...

http://www.ancient-origins.net/news-history-archaeology/excellently-preserved-crossbow-2200-years-ago-terracotta-020269

The famous site of the Terracotta Army excavation in the Chinese interior has yielded another amazing find...Honorable Master Lef Ti of the PF Chang Laundry & Poofter Academy reports the discovery of an intact terracotta crossdresser in the area of an ancient Chinese bath house believed to be buried for enjoyment by the terracotta army soldiers who guard the burial site...

The site has long been known as the final resting place of the homo Emperor Manchu Dong, who ruled this province of China 2,200 years ago, and was believed responsible for many improvements in Chinese bath house living...For example, he established regular towel service by dedicated towel boys which replaced the practice of rolling in the grass after exiting a communal shower room...

Having a lifelong fascination with dolls, he built an army of terracotta soldiers to guard his tomb, and now it is thought he built a bath house populated by terracotta poofter servant dolls to service his army...The crossdresser is amazingly detailed with low-cut evening gown and matching handbag and high heels...

Master Lef Ti also hopes to link the finding of several earthen bottles of a beer like substance to the ancient brewery site in the Lower Mesopotamia valley where Igoleft the Lesser and his brother began the powerful brewing dynasty which later deteriorated to today's Hamm's beer...Lef Ti seems to find delight that this theory would disprove the conclusions assembled by his American counterpart, Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies...

Master Lef Ti and his research assistant, Rili Huang Min (RHM) on loan from the Hanzhob Peoples' Poofter Collective, are confident this finding will revolutionize bath house history...Pictured below is one of the terracotta soap bars found dropped on the floor of the excavation site's shower room, which Master Lef Ti says bear strong resemblance to the Dove soap bars favored by modern poofters...

More Science & Technology articles...

Chinese moon probe successfully returns to bath house...

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/chinese-moon-probe-successfully-returns-to-earth-9833753.html

Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory has filed his briefs concerning the recent secretive Chinese probe of an orbiting moon...As Dr. Lefty explains, "It is well known that bath house technology differs greatly between western and Asian cultures, and voluntary exchange of information is almost non-existent"...

He went on to say that the recently discovered moons found orbiting Chinese bath houses within the jurisdiction of the Beijing People's Poofter Collective were definitely not spy satellites sent by the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...He stated that the "moons" were of unknown origin, and had nothing to do with western attempts to gather information on Chinese poofter tech...

However the Chinese Minister of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung, whose purview includes all Chinese bath house and poofter operations, has a suspicious nature and decided further investigation was necessary...It was decided the best man for this clandestine mission would be a towel boy named Lef Ti, who has more experience probing moons than anyone in China...

Upon his return, Lef Ti reported that the moons had a soft exterior, and opened immediately to receive his probe, although a noxious vapor was emitted which may have been a defense mechanism...Lef Ti stated that his results were inconclusive, and he requested an extended mission to probe deeper into the moons' interiors...

However Minister Dung remains cautious, and suspects that the mysterious moons may have actually gathered knowledge from Lef Ti's probe while leaving a false trail of intel for him...He said that any further missions by Lef Ti will include a protective shield around his probe to prevent unwanted microscopic invasions...

Meanwhile, Dr. Lefty continues to deny any western involvement in the mysterious orbiting bodies, and says his main concern these days is studying nearby advances in lesbian technology, particularly extending battery life in hand-held and strap-on "entertainment devices"...Shown below is his latest prototype of a dual-purpose device for use by so-called "lipstick lesbians"...

More Science & Technology articles...

More World News articles...

Norway Embraces Chinese Cash in Race for Arctic Bath House Riches...

http://www.businessweek.com/news/2014-11-12/norway-embraces-chinese-cash-in-race-for-arctic-energy-riches

In another example of the manipulative skills to which Norwegian poofter fugitive, Ifar Toften, will sink to avoid capture, he has made his bid to cash in on the burgeoning Chinese bath house market...Eager to learn new skills to increase the pleasure of poofter clients, China's Ministry of Laundry has put out feelers to other established bath house markets...

Unfortunately those feelers are attached to towel boy Lef Ti, a favorite of Minister of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung, who oversees China's People's Poofter Collectives...Lef Ti lost sight of the Chinese government's ideological goals after being exposed to international bath house practices by less scrupulous towel boys in the areas of tip jar management and locker room pilferage...

And now Ifar Toften has made contact with Lef Ti concerning China's latest poofter enterprise on the Arctic frontier, and has learned of the potential investment capital from China in developing polar bath houses...He has offered his services and expertise in cold weather homo activities to Lef Ti in exchange for Chinese cash which he needs to finance his further escape from justice...

Lef Ti seemed particularly interested in security techniques when he said, "Stinky old homo on run from law long time, maybe know how to avoid locker room surveillance cameras"...Mr. Toften assured his Chinese counterpart that for the right price, there are no secrets...

As shown below, Mr. Toften has assured the Chinese poofter rep that his long time experiences in frigid gay activities will give a new meaning to the word "snowblower"...

More World News articles...

Japan's trade minister resigns amid scandal, a blow to PM Abe...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/japans-trade-minister-resigns-amid-scandal-a-blow-to-pm-abe/2014/10/19/c13a94cf-c2c5-4f01-bffc-d9aeb0af46a0_story.html

Japan's lesbian Trade Minister, Sukyu Longdime, resigned today amid the flurry of anger caused by the blow given to the government's Poofter Minister (PM) "Abe"...[Editor's note: Japanese poofters are known only by their aliases in Japan, and many choose the names of US Presidents...]

Common practice in Asian diplomatic matters calls for a reciprocal blow to be arranged between the representatives by a trade minister before any serious discussions...Japan's newly appointed lesbo TM was not completely familiar with oriental poofter protocol, and scheduled a two-way blow between the high-ranking PM "Abe" and a low caste Chinese towel boy named Lef Ti...

"Abe" accepted his blow from Lef Ti, but then refused to live up to his end of the trade, calling for a cup of tea instead...The refusal to honor the trade agreement sent shock waves through Asian diplomatic channels all the way to the director of China's Ministry of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung, who holds Lef Ti in high regard...

As angry words quickly escalated to talks of war, "Abe" called on the Secretary of Japan's Navy (with it's high concentration of gays), Rear Admiral "Barack" who immediately backed up "Abe's" position with threats of a strongly worded protest...Military action was quickly averted, however, with the decision by "Abe" to throw TM Longdime under the bus as punishment for arranging the trade...

"Abe" said in a press release, "Dumb lesbo spend time changing oil under bus, maybe learn lesson"...It was learned later that although "Abe" initially thought Lef Ti was cute, he couldn't stomach his unusual odor resulting from his diet of Taco Bell green chili burritos...

As peaceful talks resumed, "Abe" sent a bouquet of Japanese fish tacos to the Chinese embassy as a token of appeasement...Pictured below are "Barack" and "Abe" as they exchange the traditional Japanese poofter greeting before attending to business matters...

More World News articles...

North Korea’s Kim Jong-un reportedly misses key celebration due to 'pulled tendon'...

Update: 

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2014/10/10/north-koreas-kim-jong-uns-absence-fuels-speculation-about-health-coup/

Reports gathered from Red China by this news analyst indicate that Chinese towel boy, Lef Ti, pulled not only Kim Jong-un's tendon, but a protuberance and its attached glands, plus used an extendable probe in a detailed cavity search in his efforts to avoid a nuclear showdown...In addition to relaxing the North Korean poofter leader's anxiety level, Lef Ti may also have succeeded in relaxing some strict importation rules concerning Taco Bell green chili burritos...

The NK government announced today that those individuals caught with the contraband will not face castration as before, but only hard labor in a North Korean laundry facility...In addition, the contraband is to be brought before Kim Jong-un himself for closer, personal inspection...

The series of small explosions detected by seismic recorders in US spy satellites were reported by a North Korean spokesman as relating to the relief of Kim Jong-un's jockey-area overpressure ailment followed by a gastric distress valve opening after the poofter leader's sampling of a spicy foreign cuisine...

Lef Ti is said to have reported to the Beijing People's Poofter Collective in his new job as Head Towel Boy, a position with no salary increase, but a higher percentage of tip jar proceeds...Waving goodbye to a satisfied client (seen below,) Lef Ti was heard to mutter, "Cheap homo leave IOU in tip jar again!"...

More World News articles...

China’s Communist leaders expel former bath house czar over corruption allegations...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/chinas-communist-leaders-expel-former-security-czar-over-corruption-allegations/2014/12/05/bd79b6ec-7c9f-11e4-84d4-7c896b90abdc_story.html

Unable to avoid the publicity generated in their latest scandal, China's Communist Party leaders have expelled the former director of their Ministry of Laundry, Hu Flung Dung...The powerful executive resisted the move knowing what lay in store for him as he fell from the top rung of Chinese bath house society...

The now disgraced Mr. Dung had little to say as he was led away from his executive hot tub wearing only the soiled towel of an apprentice towel boy...Authorities reported under promise of anonymity that he will be interned in a secure facility for "re-education" in basic laundry procedures before being considered for a return to public bath house life...

Details have been sketchy concerning his fall from grace, but high-placed sources report that his personal assistant and favorite towel boy, Lef Ti, has been temporarily elevated to the oval hot tub symbolizing the powerful office of Director...In a hastily called press conference, Lef Ti had little to say about his former boss, "Stingy poofter think he can get away without tipping!...Him see now"...

Hu Flung Dung is reportedly in transit under heavy guard to the Hanzhob People's Poofter Collective deep in the Chinese interior where he will be apprenticed to Showermaster Rili Huang Min (or simply RHM) where he will be retrained as a men's room attendant until he has learned proper humility...Mr. Dung was quoted as saying he hopes to be advanced quickly to Skidmark Inspector in the bath house laundry's towel disbursement office...

Although formal alliances have not yet been established with American homos, President Obama is said to have asked the UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty to open diplomatic channels with Lef Ti...The seasoned envoy expected no problems with his Chinese counterpart when he said, "Like all towel boys, he'll take a bribe...I'll lowball him until I find his price"...

Shown below, two Hong Kong poofters argue over possession of one of the few clean towels before entering their local bath house...

More World News articles...

Study: Asian poofter cave drawings as old as European ones...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/study-asian-cave-drawings-as-old-as-european-ones/2014/10/08/f46742b6-4f0c-11e4-877c-335b53ffe736_story.html

A new chapter is being written in the scholarly race to find the origin of gay behavior...Previously it was thought that Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies had discovered the oldest known poofter bath house under many centuries of rubble in the traditionally gay district of Paris, France...

The professor claimed at the time, "This is where the homos started slapping each other's butts...We've uncovered ancient shower rooms, stone massage tables and an almost intact locker room with evidence of prehistoric towel boys pilfering the clients' belongings"...

But Prof. Lefty may not be in the spotlight long as the number one bath house historian...A little known, but seriously taken Chinese archaeologist claims to have uncovered evidence of an Asian "bath cave" at least as old as Prof. Lefty's Paris discovery...

Known as Honorable Master Lef Ti, a scholarly researcher for China's PF Chang Poofter & Laundry Academy has devoted all his time (except for his shift at the Beijing People's Poofter Collective as a men's room attendant) to the study of the origin of butt piracy...He has a high regard for his counterpart, Prof. Lefty, "Stinky towel boy only drink nasty beer and watch lesbo porn"...

Master Lef Ti has produced evidence of a poofter bath cave in the Hu Pork Mi district that predates Neanderthal times, complete with a "theater" adorned with gay porn drawings on the walls...He theorizes, "They get horny here first, then jump in hot pool together"...

However Prof. Lefty doubts the veracity of this new evidence...The professor said in a press release, "This fat Chink homo is a phony...Those soap bars he claims he found on an ancient shower room floor smell just like Safeguard"...

The rivalry between the two scholarly factions will continue to be watched closely as each produces newfound indications of early homo activity...Pictured below is what Master Lef Ti says is a cave drawing showing prehistoric poofters doing a "pants pole dance"...

More Science & Technology articles...

Japan's poofter fish capital: Delicious and deadly...

http://www.cnn.com/2014/04/03/travel/pufferfish-fugu-capital-shimonoseki-japan/

Oriental master chef, Lef Ti, is hoping to bring his unique cuisine to America as he introduces his famous poofter fish recipes to the fine dining menus at discriminating bath houses across the nation..."The secret is in the sauce!" says Chef Lef Ti who boasts he whips up a fresh batch every half-hour, but refuses to divulge the secret ingredient that gives it its distinct flavor...

When questioned further the master chef only said, "The secret was passed on to me by an obscure itinerant towel boy who adhered to a strict south-of-the-border diet before whipping up a fresh batch"...However, this investigative reporter has located a reference to his technique which may yield a clue in the following article:

http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2014/04/04/squeeze-his-finger-to-let-him-know-how-much-fugu-you-want/

It should be noted that the translator of the article may have incorrectly used the word "squeeze" while the original text may have been "pull"...

Below Chef Lef Ti says the fresher the poofter fish, the better the eating...

More A&E and Dining articles...

North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un just had incredible fun times on a goat farm...

http://metro.co.uk/2015/05/11/north-koreas-kim-jong-un-just-had-incredible-fun-times-on-a-farm-5192276/

Noting the interest taken in goat husbandry by other Asian poofter leaders, North Korea's Kim Jong-un has taken it upon himself to investigate the phenomenon by visiting the goat worship campus of Hindu holy man, Rama Lambda Ernest, in the tranquil hills of Gonzales County...Joining Kim in the pursuit of higher education was his colleague, Honorable Master Lef Ti of China's PF Chang Poofter & Laundry Academy...

The meeting began with an exchange of gifts as Rama Lambda Ernest offered the two orientals a tray of chili burritos made exclusively with vegetarian chili since Ernest observes strict Hindu dietary laws by not consuming meat...Kim and Lef Ti then offered Ernest a version of Hamm's beer brewed under license in Pyongyang from a revised formula including rice and recycled rickshaw tires since the more traditional ingredients are in short supply in North Korea...

Rama Lambda Ernest expressed his gratitude since the only liquid refreshment he had on hand was a large supply of Coors left over from an interfaith conference with Father X of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity who left it behind as he always traveled with a tap-equipped tanker truck...Kim and Lef Ti seemed confused about Ernest's non-meat diet as they had been told of a method developed by the Hindu holy man for tenderizing even the toughest meat...

Ernest said the method was actually a part of his nightly religious ceremony in which he expresses his special love for his goat herd, after which even the rowdiest animal becomes a tender companion content to sleep peacefully at his side...After the demonstration the two Asians agreed this is a side of animal affection they had never considered, and promised to introduce it to the Asian bath house community...

Rama Lambda Ernest expressed his concern over stories of alleged cruelty toward Korean goat herds by Kim's uncle and military defense chief...Kim assured Ernest that the matter was no longer a worry as his uncle had been accidentally executed by anti-aircraft fire during a training exercise by the North Korean air force (pictured below)...

More Religion articles...

More World News articles...

China’s illegal belly-oil trade could be used to power lights...

http://qz.com/368727/chinas-illegal-gutter-oil-trade-could-be-used-to-power-flights/

A little known and almost unnoticed method used by Chinese towel boys to fatten their own wallets may prove to be another tool in the fight to conserve energy...Deposed Laundry Minister and now Oil Minister in China's government, Hu Flung Dung always looks for new charges against his former friend and towel boy, now Minister of Laundry, Lef Ti...

While on a routine inspection of the Beijing Peoples' Poofter Collective bath house, Dung noticed some towel boys behaving in a peculiar manner...After mopping off the accumulated sweat from between the fat rolls under their poofter clients' bellies, the towel boys wrung the towels out into buckets before turning them in to the laundry...

Curious as to their motives, he followed them after their shifts ended, noting they poured the liquid into a discarded washing machine and used the spin cycle to de-emulsify the product, thereby separating the glandular oil from the sweat and Dove soap residue...They then used the oil to power their Coleman bicycle lamps to light their way home...

Oil Minister Dung immediately realized the value of the process, further observing that the lights burned extremely brightly while giving off little heat...He then banished the towel boys to the remote Hanzhob People's Poofter Collective for re-education since they were using government owned resources for their own gain...

Afterwards Dung filed an international patent on the process in the name of the state-owned Slippi Slidee Oil Co. in which he is said to be a minor shareholder...At this moment, Laundry Minister Lef Ti is said to be on hands and knees before the Chinese Central Council trying to explain why such an oversight could occur under his direction...

Political analysts speculate that the Ministry of Laundry will soon be under the direction of Hu Flung Dung again, while Lef Ti, if he is lucky, will once again find himself folding towels in a bath house laundry...Pictured below is an innovative new design in a combination men's room and laundry for use in the newer space-efficient bath houses in crowded Chinese urban centers...

More World News articles...

Japan, China ruling poofter parties to resume exchanges...

http://the-japan-news.com/news/article/0002030003

With the recent power shift in the Chinese bath house hierarchy, a degree of normalcy may return to Asian poofter society...Veteran administrator Hu Flung Dung has returned to the seat of power as China's Director of the Ministry of Laundry, which oversees all bath house and poofter entertainment operations...

Former Laundry Minister Lef Ti will be relegated to a position as assistant towel boy in the Beijing Peoples' Poofter Collective after he successfully completes a re-education process in the Hanzhob District of the remote interior regions of China...He will be instructed in obedience to the poofter traditions by Showermaster Rili Huang Min (RHM) who some sources claim is a distant relative of Lef Ti...

Meanwhile, as Hu Flung Dung resumes power, analysts predict a warming of relations between Chinese and Japanese bath house factions...The power struggle between national nude sumo oil wrestling representatives has been replaced by talk of an exhibition match of the popular sport between the team of former nude lesbian oil wrestling champion Mazola McLeglock with her partner midget lesbian amateur fighter Dumpy Bunny, versus a Sino-Japanese team...

An informal bath house poll suggests the team of 650 pound Chinese sumo champion Hef Ti and midget Japanese oil wrestler Dinki Winki would draw a huge crowd against the lesbian pair...Sports writers are already suggesting that the lesbian team has an unfair advantage if Dumpy Bunny attempts to use her shrill, annoying voice to shatter Hef Ti's titanium knee hinges...

One of the potential sponsors of the match, Gorilla ® Brand Duct Tape, says the use of its product together with a tennis ball will prevent the problem...A meeting between Japanese Poofter Minister (PM) "Abe" and Chinese Laundry Director Dung is already scheduled in an effort to work out any hard feelings...

Shown below, Japanese Trade Minister (TM) Sukyu Longdime and a lesbian assistant prepare seating mats together with a derivative of Hamm's beer for the traditional BJ exchange between the two poofter leaders...

More Sports articles...

More World News articles...

China asserts its clout as sumo heavyweight...

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/asiapacific/china-asserts-its-clout/1702308.html

Seeking to expand its influence in the Asian bath house world, China's Ministry of Laundry has announced its entry into the previously all Japanese sport of nude sumo oil wrestling...The move was not unexpected after the signing of retired nude lesbian oil wrestling champion Mazola McLeglock as spokesperson for the state-owned Slippi Slidee Oil Co...

It has long been known that Laundry Minister Lef Ti has wanted to take some glory away from Poofter Minister (PM) "Abe" of the Japanese bath house industry, and it is thought he plans to bring shame to "Abe" by bringing the heavyweight crown to China...Rumors have been rampant of a secret training camp inside the Hanzhob Peoples' Poofter Collective where Showermaster Rili Huang Min (RHM) has been beefing up a select group of poofters to enter the ring...

In an effort to minimize the prowess of the Chinese sumo wrestlers, PM "Abe" has drawn on centuries of Japanese tradition to humiliate the Chinese interlopers...In a surprise move he has even suggested a closed-circuit warm-up match between the retired Ms. McLeglock and the Japanese lesbian Trade Minister (TM) Sukyu Longdime, saying that even an amateur can beat China's hired gun...

But analysts think "Abe's" ploy may only be a delaying move while his champion sumos have a chance to bulk up on sushi burritos and a rice beer said to smell like a boiling pot of dirty gym socks...The beer is based on a close copy of the formula for the American bath house favorite Hamm's, but is said to have suffered some in the translation...

Meanwhile the secret photo below has leaked out purporting to show the Chinese heavyweight team performing the traditional release of built up gas pressure before beginning an exhibition match...Lef Ti is shown in the background accepting side bets...

More Sports articles...

More World News articles...

North Korea frees two poofter detainees as Obama heads to Beijing...

http://www.csmonitor.com/World/Global-News/2014/1108/North-Korea-frees-two-Americans-as-Obama-heads-to-Beijing

As President Obama travels to Beijing with the UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations on a historic mission to strengthen ties with Chinese poofters, Ambassador Lefty has announced even more encouraging news from Asia...President-For-Life Kim Jong-un of North Korea, in an obvious effort to upstage the Sino-American union, said today he will release two American poofters charged with smuggling contraband Taco Bell green chili burritos...

Ambassador Lefty explained, "We hope our journey of peace to improve international bath house relations has been an influence on that fat Korean homo's decision to release the two gay Americans...We all know Kim likes to gobble down a burrito while getting his own knob gobbled anyway"...

The diplomat referred to the historic meeting between the Korean leader and a representative of the Beijing People's Poofter Collective, towel boy Lef Ti, in which the Chinese envoy was permitted to bring in a sack of Taco Bell green chili burritos in a diplomatic pouch as a peace offering to Kim Jong-un...At the time, the Korean poofter, in a rare lucid moment, stated that since the Taco Bell product seemed to enhance Lef Ti's diplomatic service of Kim's medical problem, he would consider lifting the ban as soon as his newly developed flatulence condition was abated...

Sources close to the Korean president, who asked not to be identified out of concern for their own beheading, mentioned that a further shipment of Gas-X received in a diplomatic pouch stopped the whoopee cushion noises coming from Kim's private chambers...Soon afterwards he decided that the two American poofter smugglers were taking up valuable prison space needed for his own people, and made the decision to deport them...

The latest reports show the two former detainees were receiving re-orientation treatment at the Taco Bell commissary on the US military base on Okinawa before being repatriated to the San Francisco gay community...Meanwhile President Obama is said to be looking forward to forging new connections in the Chinese bath house society as Ambassador Lefty makes new inroads into relations in the Chinese lesbian body politic...

Shown below in an undated file photo, President Obama, accompanied by two eager Secret Service bodyguards, prepares to don his bulletproof towel as he enters a well known South Houston bath house on a fact-finding mission...

More World News articles...

Scientists baffled by mystery soap bar that 'just plain appeared' on Mars...

http://www.ctvnews.ca/sci-tech/scientists-baffled-by-mystery-rock-that-just-plain-appeared-on-mars-1.1646892

NASA scientists have been puzzling over a mysterious object that has suddenly appeared on the surface of Mars in an area that had been thought to be the site of an ancient Martian "shower room"...The object, which is clearly marked with the word "DIAL", has left scientists in confusion over how to approach it...

Most agree that the Mars Exploration rover should be immediately programmed to bend over and pick up the object for further study, however one lone scientist disagrees...Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory warns against it for fear that an alien probe might be inserted into the rover's aft port while it is in this vulnerable position...

Says Dr. Lefty, "Don't ask how I know, but if this happens the rover will be unable to navigate in a straight line for the duration of its mission"...Other scientists do not concur with Dr. Lefty's fears, saying the risk must be taken to advance man's knowledge of the Red Planet...

Update: 

http://www.newrepublic.com/article/116808/who-owns-moon

“I know I may not make it through this lunar night.” Dr. Lef Ti of the China Academy of Poofter Technology laid the pathos on thick when he gave its lunar robot Jade Rabbit a farewell speech at the end of last month.

The learned Chinese professor of gay sciences was one of the few scientists who agreed last month with his similarly named colleague, Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory, when he voiced his fears about the American Mars rover...When the Mars rover found the unusual soap-bar shaped object at the site of an ancient Martian "bath house," Dr. Lefty warned against programming it to bend over for closer examination...

With the Mars rover now unable to navigate a straight line due to an alien probe being inserted into its aft port, Dr. Lefty and Dr. Lef Ti are working on a plan to redirect the Chinese "Jade Rabbit" robot to the Martian surface to help the Mars rover...

Since both rovers are equipped with male probes and no female data receptacles, one of them will have to be "transgendered" before repairs are attempted...For this purpose, Dr. Tchytz of the Hobby Airport Sex Change Clinic & Bait Shop will join the staff as a consultant...

More Science & Technology articles...

Android underwear hatches in wake of Flappy Bird takedown...

http://news.cnet.com/8301-1009_3-57618767-83/squawk-flappy-bird-fakes-are-hatching-android-malware/

In a surprising development Chinese poofter computer programmer, Lef Ti, has secretly inserted covert software into the skivvies of the clientele at a Hong Kong bath house where he obtained employment as a towel boy...The insertion went unnoticed until the tiny eggs hatched into "flappy birds" which then attacked the host carrier...

According to PoofterPedia, flappy birds begin feeding immediately after hatching, and their favorite food is nuts, which are readily available within the Fruit of the Loom environment where they were hatched...Naturally the host carrier can become noticeably upset after the first pleasurable sensation, and soon becomes intent on ridding itself of the insatiable feeder...

As a result of this criminal hostile invasion, Lef Ti has become a fugitive, and is currently being sought in Norway which has become a haven for homo fugitives, but is also thought to have close ties to a Hobby Airport bath house where an American cousin is employed...

More Science & Technology articles...