Lefty uses an alternative form of payment...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/26/emily-craig-shaun-bowden-guilty-sex-home-depot_n_3996672.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

As we learned last week, Lefty, needing building supplies for his home improvement project, went to Home Depot to get a new roll of duct tape to add a door to the Kenmore refrigerator box he lives in...To recap, a visiting Apache Junction building inspector, assigned to South Houston as part of a cultural exchange, was checking for soil permeability on a palatial estate on Braniff Street when he noticed several code violations in Lefty's makeshift home located in the ditch in front of the mansion...

For a nominal bribe Inspector FredK generously offered to ignore the other violations if Lefty put a door on the box...Lefty proceeded to Home Depot for a roll of duct tape to fasten a discarded garbage can lid to the front of his box-home...This is when he found his borrowed credit card had expired, and Home Depot will not accept a third-party, out of state, post-dated check...

Noticing that the fat cashier kept licking her lips and staring at the front of his pants where he was keeping a Quiznos toasted Italian sandwich warm for lunch, Lefty suggested a trade of service for product...The cashier agreed and after finding a suitable spot for the exchange in the garden shed aisle, they began the negotiation...

Not noticing that her intercom button was activated, her cries of passion on the loudspeaker were misinterpreted by the store's loss prevention officer as a plea for help, and he summoned Houston police to the scene...Lefty's attorney-of-record, the Cascade Kitchen Counselor, has managed to have the shoplifting charges against Lefty reduced to borrowing without intent to return...Lefty was released from custody on a humanitarian request from the other inmates...

Housing and real estate editor Dan adds this, "At this writing, Lefty's lounge box has been picked up by the city Heavy Trash pick-up, and Lefty himself taken to the Mayor Parker Boarding House to be domiciled until the Health Dept. examines and finds him fit, or unfit, for being allowed loose in the city. Lefty himself was noticed as 'quite excited' about moving."

Update: Due to the accidental destruction of his home by a Waste Management truck, Lefty was forced to secure new housing pending settlement of his lawsuit with the garbage collectors...He didn't have to go far as the war veteran who lives across the street from his previous landlord had just purchased a new washer and dryer, and left the boxes next to his garage for pick up later...

After making sure the accommodations were spacious enough (by taking an afternoon nap inside) he negotiated a lease contract with the homeowner, whom we'll call "Ted"..."Ted" said he could live there until the neighbors started to complain about Lefty's distinctive odor if Lefty could find out who is stealing his wireless internet signal...Lefty assured him he was the man for the job and showed him a detective badge which convinced "Ted"...

"Ted's" failing eyesight didn't allow him to notice that that the badge (marked 714) had Jack Webb's picture instead of the usual police insignia...Lefty had taken it from the lunchbox of his dad, Swifty (owner of Swifty's All Night Bail Bonds & Repo Service), who sometimes uses it on difficult repo assignments...

Lefty then quickly sublet the dryer box (while retaining the better insulated washer box for himself) to his brother, RHM, in exchange for two Jack In The Box tacos per day...Meanwhile, Lefty has vowed to "Ted" that he will find the internet burglar if he has to search every topless bar and massage parlor in South Houston...

Seen below is Lefty stretching out in his new accommodations...

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Lefty cleared as suspect in JFK conspiracy theory...

https://www.archives.gov/press/press-releases/nr18-05

Conspiracy theorists, such as the elderly proprietor of the Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum in the Hobby Airport Bath House District, have long claimed a connection between the "grassy knoll" in Dallas where DNA analysis a few years ago showed traces of familial ties between Lefty and a wad of Dubble Bubble chewing gum found by investigators decades after the tragic assassination...Conspiracy fans have long pointed to the gum wad as prima facie evidence of Lefty's participation in the plot because of the partial fingerprint left on the wrapper in which it was wrapped...The print is a 23% match to Lefty's prints (which are on file with law enforcement departments world-wide), but Lefty has always contended the wrapper was a plant...

President Trump's release of the JFK files from the National Archives was expected by the conspiracy theorists to prove Lefty's connection, but instead have cleared him of at least this one crime...The files contained several sealed family court files in which Lefty was named as the biological father of a number of now 53 year old men and women, all of which bear a striking resemblance to Lefty, including his trademark mullet hairstyle...Lefty however always claimed he was being held in juvenile detention on the day of their supposed conception...

Now the unsealed files have proven beyond doubt that Lefty was telling the truth for once...Police records found in the files indicate that Lefty's fifth grade biology teacher, Ms. Knuckler, was arrested along with Lefty in the overgrown "grassy knoll" on November 21, 1963, where they both claimed the then 19 year old Lefty was trying to earn extra credit in order to pass his mid-term exams...Both were held in the Dallas County Jail overnight, and due to a shortage of empty cell space, they were incarcerated in the same cell as a number of lesbian prostitutes who had been picked up in a warrant sweep...Genealogists have now used the DNA sample from the bubble gum, comparing it to the samples furnished in the paternity suit files, and found the mitochondrial evidence to be a close match to the children mentioned in the lawsuits, each of which was born at varying times beginning 9 months and 10 minutes after Lefty was placed in the cell with their mothers...

This apparently settles the theories offered by those wishing to connect Lefty to the motorcade assassination, except the piano roll museum owner who has always pointed to Lefty whenever any crime is reported...Even the new evidence showing that none of Lefty's fingerprints were ever found in the Schoolbook Depository Building because Lefty has never opened a schoolbook, has failed to satisfy the elderly recluse...In an interview conducted at his Braniff Street mansion, the former CIA pilot shouted, "I know the SOB is guilty of something, and I can prove it!...Now get off my porch before I fetch my double-barreled Ballard shotgun!"...

Shown below are the contents of Lefty's pockets confiscated from him on November 21, 1963 in Dallas...

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Editorial integrity challenge...

Editorial commentator Dan files this timely post for clarification, "It has been called to my attention, by Lefty, that you possibly are making up incidents about Lefty in certain spots, of which Lefty's laundry has noted cannot be removed from his undergrammars. Such, as you know, is cause for a lawsuit over liability on his unionsuit. Lefty also claims entrapment in your comments, over his 13-button trapdoor in his long-john unionsuit.  As a first-responder in any crisis, Lefty claims you put a potato in the rear of his responder causing bystanders to have Walmart security take him to the Mens Room for de-briefing, after which his briefs were confiscated due to non-constipation conspiracy, similar to the green apple quicksteps, in evidence."

In answer to these ridiculous charges: In the first place, no one's imagination could possibly make up incidents that are any stranger than those from Lefty's real life...Secondly, Lefty likes to save money by not changing his underdrawers until the prison laundry is forced to take them (usually 3-4 weeks between visits)...And thirdly, since Lefty's attorney-of-record, the Cascade Kitchen Counselor, succeeded in getting her cell moved next to Lefty's for better access to his briefs, it has become far too easy for him to file frivolous lawsuits like this one...

Lefty's shift steward, as his unionsuit representative, is threatening to resign as he has to clock out to investigate his grievances, thereby losing valuable hours from his floorsweeper position...In addition, he has filed his own grievance against Lefty since Lefty replaced his usual potatoes with cheaper 1015 onions on sale at Krogers...The steward says the onions are a welcome smell over Lefty's usual odors, but the tears they cause make the steward's wife think he's unhappy, resulting in marital discomfort for both...

Additionally, Lefty's allegations against WalMart security personnel were dismissed by the judge who ruled that aggressive force against Lefty is not only necessary, but desirable and encouraged...Next case please...

Pictured below is a condemned prisoner, with nothing left to live for volunteering to handle Lefty's laundry, in the hope of an extra half-hour TV time per week...

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Lefty testifies as expert witness...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-24927078

Lefty, called to a UK coroner's court as an expert witness, has testified that the death of a man whose body was found naked and padlocked inside a duffel bag laying in a bathtub, was probably the accident of an amateur...Lefty further testified that he has used this method successfully many times to escape the wrath of a husband who unexpectedly returns home while Lefty is visiting a girlfriend...

Under questioning Lefty admitted he used this method twice this week to escape detection...Once to avoid paying airfare on his flight to the UK, and second on the previous night when he accidentally entered the wrong hotel room, and was surprised by the hotel detective while entertaining one of the hotel maids...He stated that the secret to surviving is to have enough Taco Bell bean burritos in the duffel bag to last during a prolonged search...

Lefty's testimony led the coroner to render a decision of "accidental death" in the case of the spy, and to warn others to leave such escape methods to the professionals like Lefty...The coroner then invited Lefty to visit his own London "men's club" where the members and guests wear only powdered wigs and Union Jack loincloths...

Lefty has once again made court news after his surprise testimony in the UK...Upon arriving on US shores after an arduous journey across the Atlantic as a stowaway aboard a tuna boat following his narrow escape from a group of cloistered nuns in Wales, Lefty has been called as a character witness for former Illinois governor, Rod Blagojevich: http://www.csmonitor.com/layout/set/r14/USA/Justice/2013/1113/Rod-Blagojevich-appeal-is-extraordinary-prosecutors-say

Reports are that Lefty has advised the former politician to change his hairstyle from his present sissyboy cut to the more stylish mullett as Lefty wears...Mr. Blagojevich's hearing is expected to go well for him as Lefty is accepted as "one of the boys" in Chicago politics...Lefty has also assured the court that Mr. Blagojevich will have suitable employment upon his release as an actor in a series of gay prison porn videos...As Lefty says, with a name like "Rod," he's a natural...

Shown below, the former Governor inquires about the friendliness of his new cellmate prior to introductions...

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Krogers...

Roving correspondent Dan files this employment report, "Lefty started work at Krogers last month, and was fired today. On his first job in the Meat Dept. running the meat slicer he accidentally backed into the meat slicer and got a little behind in his work. A customer complained she found a Frederick's of Hollywood designer underwear label in her sliced baloney.

Then, Lefty was transferred to the Produce Dept.. A nice looking gentleman asked Lefty .."Do you have corn, whole? Lefty said he did, and took the gentleman in the back room, bent him over and did it. The gentleman complained to the Manager, and the Manager said "I'll rectify the situation!" The gentleman said "No way ... my rectifier is too sore already."

Later, a lady came in and asked for Green Giant Pea Soup. Lefty, who thought he was as good as any Green Giant, went out in the back room, grabbed an empty jar, and made pee soup for her.

The final incident was when the young lady at the small table in the aisle asked Lefty .."Would you like to try a sample of my cherry cobbler?" Lefty said "Sure" , and got on his knees and cobbled her cherry.

Unbiased analysis: In Lefty's defense, if Kroger had checked Lefty's job reference from his previous employer, the Heinz 57 Company, they could have avoided all that trouble...When Lefty was hired, he was assigned to the dill pickle factory...

The first night he went home and told his girlfriend, "They've got me putting lids on pickle jars, but all day I have to work next to this pickle slicer, and even if it's wrong I have the overpowering urge to stick my pecker in this pickle slicer"...

His girlfriend said, "Lefty, you have to resist...You have to be strong...No matter what, don't do it"...

One day he came home and told her, "Well, I couldn't stand it any longer...I held off as long as I could, but I finally stuck my pecker in the pickle slicer"...

She said, "Oh my God, Lefty...What happened?"...

Lefty, looking dejected, said, "Well they fired me"...

His girlfriend was puzzled and asked, "But what happened to the pickle slicer?"...

Lefty said, "Well, they fired her too"...

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Lefty to duplicate daring feat...

Lefty, always up for a challenge, has announced he will duplicate Jean-Claude VanDamme's amazing stunt of doing a split between two backward rolling Volvo trucks...Lefty will make his attempt by standing on the dump levers of two BFI garbage collection trucks as they roll backward to their dumping positions at an East Harris County landfill...The two trucks will come to a stop positioning Lefty, who will be nude for this event, over a Porta-Potty placed through the courtesy of Portacans of Houston in case of accidental discharge...

Lefty's sponsors, Taco Bell and RHM Male Lingerie of Pasadena, are confident that the two trucks, and Lefty, will all dump their loads with precision timing...As required by the EPA in high risk stunts by Lefty, hazmat crews will be standing by in the event of emergency...

Update: Event coordinator Dan, who served as witness for the Guinness Book, describes what happened, "Unfortunately, when Lefty was doing the crotch-splits going down the road between the two BFI trucks, a telephone company truck with a hi-lift man-bucket on it tried to go between the two trucks. But, as the news reporter said "It takes balls to do that" and the score was minus-two on Lefty."

Update 2: Fortunately, Lefty (who was very visibly excited at the moment) managed to snag a roll of phone company copper wire on his protuberance at the time of his unfortunate loss...At the current price of copper, he may be able to cover part of the deductible on his bill at the Testicle Restoration Clinic...

Update 3: Good news for Lefty...Dr. Tchytz just finished inventory at his day job at the Almeda-Genoa Sex Change Clinic & Shishkabob Cafe, and he reports a good selection of low mileage, slightly used testicles (some human) from which Lefty can make his choice...

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Bath house reinstates towel boy fired after refusing to open Thanksgiving...

http://www.nbcnews.com/business/pizza-hut-manager-fired-after-refusing-open-thanksgiving-2D11665028

Like most bath house employees, Lefty looks forward to his holidays, but when the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium ordered him and his brother, RHM, to open the Poofter Boutique on Thanksgiving for early Black Friday shoppers, he refused...Traditionally Lefty plays the part of the stuffed turkey (without dressing) in the annual Montrose Lesbian Turkey Parade, and told his poofter bosses that the happy faces of the lesbians in the street orgy were more important than his job...

Management responded by firing the two brothers, but under pressure from the wealthy gay clientele of the bath house, they later relented and re-hired both Lefty and RHM...The good news became a moot point for Lefty as he was arrested on pickpocket charges by an undercover midget lesbian detective from Montgomery County's Precinct 0, who walked in the parade dressed only in body paint...

The detective, identified only as Deputy Dumpy Bunny, felt a hand between two rolls of belly fat where she kept her badge and gun, and immediately handcuffed Lefty who was clad only in turkey feathers...The parade audience, who are accustomed to handcuff play while frolicking, thought it was part of the act and cheered wildly...Lefty later claimed at his arraignment that he was merely trying to touch up the detective's paint costume with a french tickler he mistakenly thought was a paintbrush...

Lefty's holiday is sure to be an active one as he is now housed with fifty male inmates who had many comments on his "gobbler garments" as he was led into their cell...His bail hearing is scheduled after the holiday season as all judges seem to be unavailable due to vacation scheduling...

Update: Following Lefty's arrest, RHM passed the hat (which is all he was wearing) among the bath house poofters and collected $4.74 plus some watch batteries and buttons for Lefty's bail...He added this to his money from Coke bottle returns and shoe shines and had almost ten dollars...Ordinarily this would not be enough for bail, but a liberal lesbian traffic court judge heard about Lefty's plight and set the bail at $10.00...

RHM would have made it to the bond window at the courthouse, but started watching a Felix the Cat marathon on the Cartoon Network, and missed the deadline...Fortunately for Lefty, the judge released him to her custody under house arrest (her house) where he will work off the bail and fine by instructing the judge's nude pilates class plus other unspecified services...

Alert news photographer Dan captured the scene in the photo below moments before the detective made the arrest...

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Lefty cleared of theft suspicion...

http://www.albanyherald.com/news/2014/apr/23/suspect-charged-in-theft-of-tip-jar-from-albany/

Investigators from INTERPOOF have cleared Lefty of any charges pending in the baffling tip jar theft which occurred at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...As in all cases involving petty theft, pickpocketing and crossdressing, a roundup of the usual suspects put Lefty in the front row seat...

Under questioning Lefty revealed evidence that he could not have committed the crime because it occurred at the same time he was being interviewed by Hobby Airport Police detectives in conjunction with an unrelated case...That case involved a valuable antique hairpiece that was reported missing by an elderly, retired CIA pilot residing in the Hobby Airport area...

As is his customary habit, the retiree had washed his toupee in a nearby plywood retention pond installed on his property as part of a court order to settle a lawsuit with the city of Houston involving a dispute over soil percolation testing...The elderly retiree then hung the toupee on his clothesline near Lefty's rented shipping container home to dry, and later reported it missing...

Detectives questioned Lefty since they recalled he was forced to wear a merkin as a result of a severe crotch cricket infestation which required electrolysis hair removal of his pubic area...A detective recalled seeing the merkin being repaired by a tailor in RHM's male lingerie shop while he was conducting the annual licensing inspection of the business...

Records produced by RHM indicated the merkin was being relined and fumigated in addition to having an area of worn hair replaced...Lefty indicated he had only "borrowed" the antique hairpiece to go to work until his own merkin was returned...When asked to identify his property, the retiree said his toupee didn't have the conspicuous hole in the center, or the wad of duct tape on the back which Lefty used to fasten it to his crotch...

Charges of felony wigsnatching were subsequently dropped when the elderly recluse revealed that the loss was covered by insurance provided by the Braniff Street homeowner's association...He expressed regret over losing the heirloom which had been the prototype produced by the Warvelle Hairweaving Corporation established by his grandfather, but said that after exposure to Lefty's pubic area, its value had diminished to nothing...

Lefty's original merkin had been paid for by Parkercare provided to bath house employees by the mayor's office...Focus of the original tip jar theft has now been redirected to bath house doorman, Big "Tiny" Balsac, who is known to be experiencing short term financial difficulties following a dice game with towel boy Lefty...

Below RHM him/herself models the new "Willie Nelson" model from his premium celebrity line...

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Lefty's girlfriend gets new sponsor...

As we all know, Lefty's latest girlfriend is professional nude oil wrestler Mazola McLeglock...She replaces his former girlfriend and attorney, the Cascade Kitchen Counselor, who was convicted of causing a commotion under the judge's robe in the bribery phase of Lefty's latest trial...She is now doing hard time in the Annise Parker Correctional Institute on Montrose Avenue...

As always Lefty is concerned with maximizing his girlfriend's income, and knows that all wrestlers have commercial sponsors...Most wrestlers sell advertising on the backs of their robes, but Ms. McLeglock is contractually required to appear nude everywhere she goes and therefore has no robe...

Lefty solved the dilemma by having a "W" tattooed on each of her butt cheeks...The arena announcer introduces her as, "Mazola McLeglock sponsored by Harry Butts Plumbing Company"...After the introduction, she takes a deep bow at which time the tattoos combine with her anatomy to spell out "WOW," reminding viewers of the sponsor's slogan, "Wow, it's Harry Butts"...

We join Lefty in cheering on Mazola in her quest for the top prize in the oil wrestling profession, the coveted Pennzoil Cup...

Update: As we remember, Lefty is among the most frugal and thrifty of us all, and has proven it once again...After watching Mazola in her nude pre-match warmup routine, Lefty asked her to do a handstand against the wall with her back towards him...She then spread her legs as Lefty hung a sign between her feet reading, "Happy Mother's Day"...

Upside down her tattooed derriere now reads "MOM," and after snapping a quick Polaroid of the moment, Lefty has a card to send his Mom without spending a penny...

Shown below are Mazola's new tattoos, followed by her sponsor's corporate logo...

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Injury deflates Lefty's Fantasy date...

http://fantasynews.cbssports.com/fantasybasketball/update/24773874/injury-deflates-julius-randles-fantasy-value

In a heart-rending moment just seconds before the final buzzer, crowd favorite Lefty suffered a crushing blow as a hefty opponent stumbled toward the finish line in a failed attempt to beat Lefty's time, and fell...The resulting injury to his inflatable date could be repaired, but Lefty had used his last bicycle repair patch on his two-speed Schwinn just to get to the competition...

Thinking quickly, he grabbed the Dubble Bubble out of referee RHM's mouth to stop the leak in a desperate attempt to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat...Unfortunately, in the hurried action he managed to also snatch the dentures from RHM's jaws, and incurred a "roughing the official" penalty of five strokes...

The missed strokes were enough to further deflate Lefty's libido, while sadly watching his blow-up doll deflate as well...Although a winner in this elimination round, superstar Lefty garnered a late start penalty as well in the final round of the Bath House Lesbolympics, and faces growing odds in his heroic grab for the gold...

Already a last-pick choice as he chose to crosstrain for this traditionally all female event, he surprised the critics with his come-from-behind (a favorite move) victories in the Round Robin start...Robin was surprised as well as Lefty performed admirably against the artificially enhanced competitors...

The semi-finals resulted in a stunning upset as his butch lesbian competitors cried "foul" as they made their mandatory pit stops for battery changes, while Lefty drove forward to the finish with his vintage original equipment...In the final event, Lefty faces brutal opposition as his arch-rival and former girlfriend, Mazola McLeglock, is certain to pull out all the stops in the difficult "Knotted Silk Rope" event...

Win or lose, it must be concluded that Lefty has given it his all as he attempts to be the first male lesbian champion in the International Lesbolympics...Shown below, a competitor trains for maximum lungpower in the challenging unassisted airstart event...

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Big "Tiny" Balsac resigns from HABH&PE after longjohn flap...

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv-movies/bashir-resigns-msnbc-palin-flap-article-1.1537613

Long time Chief of Security for the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, Big "Tiny" Balsac, has resigned following charges he failed to check for closed and secured flaps on personnel who have switched from summer thongs to winter long johns...Popular towel boy, Lefty, had changed to his winter uniform without doing a button check on the rear access flap...Entering through the employee entrance, Lefty passed by Mr. Balsac without notice...

As it turned out, Lefty had not turned in his long johns to the bath house laundry when he took them off last spring, instead letting them soak over the months since in a plywood pool located next to the bath house...After drying them for a week over the fence behind the Braniff Street residence, he put them on failing to notice that the buttons had been carried away by squirrels...

Complaints of a "rotten burrito" odor in the neighborhood led EPA detectives to Lefty's back door, and some pointed questions for Mr. Balsac...Said Mr. Balsac, "Like most people, I hold my nose and close my eyes when Lefty walks by, so I failed to notice his open flap...I couldn't afford to take a chance getting sick until my Obamacare insurance takes effect...If I had known of the danger, I would have taken action"...

HABH&PE executives have decided to be lenient with Balsac, and have recommended a reduction in grade to poofter second class, suspension of hot tub privileges, and completion of an underwear sensitivity training course before returning to duty...

Update: Fashion designer RHM has again come to the rescue with his new line of velcro fastened long johns, just in time for winter wear featured at his male lingerie boutique...

Pictured below, RHM's spokesmodel, Lefty, shows off part of the fall collection at an outdoor pay-per-visit facility behind the boutique...

Update: Fashion correspondent Dan reports, "While the initial tests of the Velcro on Lefty's rear flap were encouraging, even if Lefty's after-lunch emissions blew the flap open, it was found that Lefty's crabs were becoming stuck in the Velcro and, having legs on both top and bottom, were biting his butt."

Editor's note: Pending approval by the FUA (Federal Underwear Authority), Lefty will be required to wear a standard EPA underwear monitor...

More Fashion & Society articles...

Lefty caddies at charity golf tournament...

http://www.stuff.co.nz/nelson-mail/news/9260619/Nude-golfers-watch-the-birdie

As part of his court-ordered community service, Lefty recently caddied for a number of ladies at a nude golf tournament to benefit local charities...Lefty signed up for the event before being told that all the lady golfers were between 60 and 85 years old...

The ladies all remarked how Lefty's putter stood out more than normally due to his being forcibly defoliated prior to the tournament by the Hobby Airport Homeowners Association in an effort to rid him of a troublesome case of leaf blight in his pubic patch...Lefty managed to score a couple of holes for himself in addition to having some hours credited to his community service obligation...

Court reporter Dan adds, "Unfortunately, Lefty's idea of 'community service' wasn't in line with the Judge's .  Lefty serviced only the gay, lesbian and transgender populace in the Hobby Airport vicinity, plus several longshoremen in the Ship Channel area, requiring the longshoremen to use Preparation-H thereafter.  Frederick's of Hollywood also filed a brief with the Court (including Lefty's briefs as 'Exhibit A') charging Lefty ate all the lesbian's edible-undies, while they were still in them."...

Seen below, caddy Lefty offers his personal tee service in a difficult sand trap...

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Sneak peek at ambitious Weights + Measures project...

http://blog.chron.com/foodchronicles/2014/09/sneak-peak-at-ambitious-weights-measures-project/#26505101=0

Amusement ride manager Lefty of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium is not happy about the newly named Weights & Measures Director of Mayor Parker's Bath House Safety Commission...Lefty explains, "There is a maximum weight limit and a maximum schlong length in the Poofter Regulations before anyone can ride the water slide in the hot tub room...

Lefty added that unregulated water slides are said to lead to collapse by overweight poofters, or over-length schlongs can be snagged on the escalator to the top...As Lefty stated, "If these fat homos would stay away from the all-you-can-eat pizza buffets and throw away their penis pumps, there wouldn't be a problem"...

The new Director, Babs Bagsofun, who became a well-known lesbian activist after dating Lefty briefly, said in her acceptance speech, "It's well known that some of the water slide operators are taking bribes from overweight clients to let them show off in front of their poofter boyfriends"...Not one to pull punches, she stated for the record that Lefty has been reprimanded after being caught with bribe money in his thong...

Lefty fired back, "She's only mad because everyone laughed when she couldn't find bowling shoes big enough for her feet when we were paired up in the Nude Team Bowling Tournament"...Lefty says he personally weighs each rider and measures each schlong before the rider is allowed to enter...

Lefty also could not immediately explain the bathroom scale which stopped at anything over 275 pounds, or the metric tape measure found in his locker...He finally said they were items he brought to donate to the next bath house rummage sale...

Lefty's activities will be closely watched as Director Bagsofun has hired off-duty midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny to ensure his strict compliance with the rules...The deputy rarely speaks due to the laughter that ensues because of her squeaky voice, but will wear a large police whistle (and little else) when in the hot tub area...The whistle, and probably several poofters, are expected to be blown often...

The deputy is pictured below practicing her pucker prior to going on duty...

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Lefty selected for next Astronaut...

Science and technology reporter Dan has submitted this story, "In a confidential memo leaked by a NASA insider, after he caught Lefty taking a leak on the new Space Shuttle, it is reported reportedly that Lefty has volunteered to be the 'First Poofter In Space', and he now in in training for the mission. He reported in to NASA this morning wearing his new space suit, which was designed by the Men's Wearhouse in Splendora. The suit, of course, is various shade of pink and purple, Lefty's traditional colors, except for the trapdoor in the rear which is brown to match Lefty's outcome of the voyage. There was a problem this afternoon when the announcer announced "We have ignition" on the lift-off which turned out to be a flatulation sparked by static electricity in Lefty's briefs, as reported in the de-briefing, and required being sent to the laundry."

Update: Our editorial staff is continually surprised that Lefty has enough time in the day for all his activities...Just today it was announced that Lefty and five other alleged men (pictured below) are set to open a new water park tentatively named "Six Fags Over Hobby"...Lefty was selected for the project because of his extensive experience with hot tubs, urinals, toilets and other water rides...The adult-only theme park will feature several concession lounges featuring the latest in thongs, loincloths, codpieces and soap-on-a-rope from RHM's Secret, the world renowned poofter boutique...

Brochures and advance tickets may be picked up at Lefty's business office on Braniff Street...

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Muffdiver survives mid-air seizure...

http://www.skynews.com.au/news/national/2015/03/02/skydiver-survives-mid-air-seizure.html

A chance passing by entrepreneur and presidential candidate Phillbo may have been all that saved a towel boy and amateur muffdiving champion from an untimely demise...The incident occurred 12,000 feet above the Arizona desert where members of the Olympic muffdiving team were attempting to set a new nude freefall record while maintaining a number of Kama Sutra positions simultaneously...

Olympic athlete and athletic supporter Lefty followed nude lesbian oil wrestler Mazola McLeglock out of the aircraft closely pursued by gay pornstar Arnold Swollenpecker, who was acting as official timekeeper and photographer...After starting his stopwatch, Swollenpecker noticed it had not been calibrated, and quickly decided to synchronize with Lefty's timepiece...

Lefty is known for wearing his Bulova on his phallic member since it is a self-winding movement, and is more likely to stay accurate in that location...Lefty and Ms. McLeglock had already begun their sequence of movements, and as Swollenpecker seized the watch, Lefty thought his dive partner was introducing a new twist to their routine...

Enjoying the moment, he lost track of their altitude and momentarily forgot about pulling the ripcord...Fortunately for all, presidential hopeful Phillbo was passing in freefall from the International Space Station where he had hung a banner from the ISS advertising his candidacy...

Instantly realizing what was happening below him, and calculating he had just enough time to avert a tragedy, he deployed his wingsuit and guided his fall towards the trio where he managed to pull Lefty's ripcord while Swollenpecker was still pulling the towel boy's manhood...The resulting sudden jerk from the chute opening failed to loosen Swollenpecker's grip, but Phillbo still scooped up Ms. McLeglock and carried her to safety with his own parachute, landing in a nearby nudist resort...

As of this writing, Lefty is still in traction at a local long term care facility where he is said to have temporarily lost interest in any amorous activities...Mr. Swollenpecker reports he still has Lefty's Bulova and will return it to him when he resumes duty at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

Meanwhile Phillbo modestly told reporters he didn't consider himself a hero, having done the same thing any other well-qualified presidential candidate would have done...Ms. McLeglock is said to be enjoying her new fame, and has accepted a position as nude yoga instructor for the lesbians at the nudist resort where she landed...

Shown below, Ms. McLeglock and her class pose to say hello to Lefty just before entering the shower after a yoga session...Lefty is said to have asked for additional pain killers after seeing the picture...

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Lefty at the golf course...

Random notes gathered from Lefty's experiences on the links...

"Drivers" weren't exactly what Lefty thought they were at the golf course, but he stayed long enough to check out the ball washer...

The instructor told Lefty his backswing was out of alignment, so he reinserted and shortened his stroke...He told her her club head needed more follow through, then she showed him how to get fairway wood every time...

It was a shame when he lost the grip on his shaft...He was looking at an eagle, but wound up in the rough...She sent him back to the practice green to work on his stroke...

Lefty was penalized a stroke after being caught not replacing the divot on her back nine...She whiffed the ball on the next hole, then got a whiff of Lefty's ball-marker and discovered the truth about his front nine...She said she'd meet Lefty at the 19th hole, but Lefty said they didn't even finish the first 18 yet...

Lefty's handicap never changes...He keeps trying to improve his lie, but his putter has always been undersized...

Pictured below, Tiger Woods' wife shows off improved stroke after swinging lesson with Lefty...

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Medical update...

Hospital correspondent Dan reports, "As you know, Lefty is on the wait-list for a donor for his much needed brain transplant, and an hour ago Doctor Tchytz called and said they had a possible donor, provided they can pull the plug on his/her life-support machine. However, the donor is a transgendered lesbian motorcycle gang leader with a police record for doing  farm animals and occasionally the monkeys in the zoo, all of which is embedded in his/her brain cells."

Dan reports that a formal request has been filed with Lefty's court appointed guardian to OK the use of this non-regulation brain...Dr. Tchytz is awaiting instructions soon as Lefty's brain has been unplugged, and he seems more light-headed than usual...

Update: His guardian has determined that this brain would be a considerable step up the evolutionary ladder for Lefty, and may get him into more socially acceptable venues such as trainyard hobo camps where he is ordinarily turned away...

His court appointed attorney-of-record, the Cascade Kitchen Counselor, asks if the lesbian donor's penile equipment is available for transplant also as it would almost have to be an improvement from what Lefty was blessed with at birth...She explains Lefty's unpaid legal bills are mounting steadily, and she'd like to see some satisfaction since Lefty insists on paying in trade by mounting her...

While Lefty awaits the final word on whether the donor will need his/her/its brain post-surgery, he is searching for a new insurance carrier since he misunderstood the deductible clause in his policy...It seems most of his penile protuberance was deducted and hence discarded as medical waste...The doctors responsible for this outrage have since been punished for contaminating the hospital landfill...

Meanwhile Lefty investigates new options in the land down under: http://sport.msn.co.nz/nzmenslifestyle/latestnews/8656332/i-have-a-micro-penis

Lefty's pre-op brain scan results are pictured below...

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Cocktail party news...

Society news editor, Dan, has filed this report, "Lefty has been suspended from his duties as 'Jr. Towel-Boy-In-Training' at Houston Mayor Parker's Lesbian Lounge Steam Bath for trying to get the patrons to play 'Pick-Up-The-Soap'..."

Update: Further investigation indicates Lefty was only invited to the mayor's party because he was bringing samples of a new product for which he is the exclusive Hobby Airport area distributor...The booze (which Lefty has renamed "Pussy Liquor") is listed as "vegan friendly"...Lefty (who has a well documented problem with spelling) told the mayor it is "vagina friendly" upon which the mayor ordered 65 cases to be paid for from the city's burgeoning drainage fee coffers...

The soap dropping incident is being defended by Lefty's attorney-of-record, the Cascade Kitchen Counselor, as a misinterpretation of Lefty's attempt as a first responder to help an overweight lesbian guest to regain her footing...She had slipped on an open tube of Astroglide personal lubricant which Lefty always carries in case of unexpected tight spots...She also said Lefty has a prescription from Dr. Tchytz for edible undies in order to keep his blood glucose levels from becoming too low...

Pictured here is the suspected source for Lefty's "Pussy Liquor"...

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SOAK "eco-bathhouse" concept calls for shipping container-based bathing...

http://www.gizmag.com/soak-eco-bathhouse-concept/30107/

Famed South Houston entrepreneur Lefty, disgraced former towel boy, has announced the opening of his new eco-friendly bath house following his dismissal from the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium for renting out time at the peepholes in the lesbian locker room...Gaining a building permit under the name of his non-profit charity organization, SOAK (Someone Order Another Keg), Lefty began construction next door to his former Braniff Street employer...

Wanting to use recyclable building materials to retain his non-profit status, Lefty decided to use discarded Maersk shipping containers in his design...As he tells it, "So next to the bath house this smelly old dude has these shipping containers where he keeps his lawn tractors, and he's so old and feeble-minded he probably doesn't even remember them"...

Since he was named caretaker of the mansion in the owner's frequent absences, Lefty chose a weekend when the retired engineer was in the VA hospital with a blocked nasal passage, and held a yard sale to get rid of all the old lawn equipment and motorhomes...Says Lefty, "I raised enough money to slap a coat of K-Mart eggshell white on the walls and installed a unisex porta-potty...I even had enough left over for a sixer of Hamm's"...

Lefty also recycled an abandoned "plywood pond" located on the mansion's grounds, and will convert it to a temporary hot tub...Theorizing that plywood burns and fire will heat the water in the pond, Lefty expects to use it until his shipment of 55 gallon steel drums arrives...Lefty explains, "Hey as long as these homos are wet and horny, they won't even notice the temperature"...

Shown below is Lefty's prototype portable design, submitted for approval by the Hobby Airport Building Authority...

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Lefty mistakenly detained as "marathon bomber"...

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/newsdesk/2013/04/marathon-bombing-watertown-naked-man-conspiracies.html

The disgraced former towel boy and spokesmodel for the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium known as Lefty was briefly detained by investigators until it was determined that it was his briefs that should be detained in a secure landfill...It was first thought that Lefty was being cooperative with officers when he immediately complied with their command to drop his underwear...A background check quickly determined that Lefty often drops his underwear, whether ordered to or not...

Accusations that Lefty was the "marathon bomber" came from a bartender at the Marathon Lounge after Lefty revealed he couldn't pay his bar tab subsequent to becoming bombed...Lefty's live-in attorney/girlfriend, the Cascade Kitchen Counselor, was able to get Lefty released on his own recognizance even though Lefty was too loaded to even recognize himself...

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