Investigators from INTERPOOF have cleared Lefty of any charges pending in the baffling tip jar theft which occurred at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...As in all cases involving petty theft, pickpocketing and crossdressing, a roundup of the usual suspects put Lefty in the front row seat...
Under questioning Lefty revealed evidence that he could not have committed the crime because it occurred at the same time he was being interviewed by Hobby Airport Police detectives in conjunction with an unrelated case...That case involved a valuable antique hairpiece that was reported missing by an elderly, retired CIA pilot residing in the Hobby Airport area...
As is his customary habit, the retiree had washed his toupee in a nearby plywood retention pond installed on his property as part of a court order to settle a lawsuit with the city of Houston involving a dispute over soil percolation testing...The elderly retiree then hung the toupee on his clothesline near Lefty's rented shipping container home to dry, and later reported it missing...
Detectives questioned Lefty since they recalled he was forced to wear a merkin as a result of a severe crotch cricket infestation which required electrolysis hair removal of his pubic area...A detective recalled seeing the merkin being repaired by a tailor in RHM's male lingerie shop while he was conducting the annual licensing inspection of the business...
Records produced by RHM indicated the merkin was being relined and fumigated in addition to having an area of worn hair replaced...Lefty indicated he had only "borrowed" the antique hairpiece to go to work until his own merkin was returned...When asked to identify his property, the retiree said his toupee didn't have the conspicuous hole in the center, or the wad of duct tape on the back which Lefty used to fasten it to his crotch...
Charges of felony wigsnatching were subsequently dropped when the elderly recluse revealed that the loss was covered by insurance provided by the Braniff Street homeowner's association...He expressed regret over losing the heirloom which had been the prototype produced by the Warvelle Hairweaving Corporation established by his grandfather, but said that after exposure to Lefty's pubic area, its value had diminished to nothing...
Lefty's original merkin had been paid for by Parkercare provided to bath house employees by the mayor's office...Focus of the original tip jar theft has now been redirected to bath house doorman, Big "Tiny" Balsac, who is known to be experiencing short term financial difficulties following a dice game with towel boy Lefty...
Below RHM him/herself models the new "Willie Nelson" model from his premium celebrity line...
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