http://www.nydailynews.com/
Long time Chief of Security for the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, Big "Tiny" Balsac, has resigned following charges he failed to check for closed and secured flaps on personnel who have switched from summer thongs to winter long johns...Popular towel boy, Lefty, had changed to his winter uniform without doing a button check on the rear access flap...Entering through the employee entrance, Lefty passed by Mr. Balsac without notice...
As it turned out, Lefty had not turned in his long johns to the bath house laundry when he took them off last spring, instead letting them soak over the months since in a plywood pool located next to the bath house...After drying them for a week over the fence behind the Braniff Street residence, he put them on failing to notice that the buttons had been carried away by squirrels...
Complaints of a "rotten burrito" odor in the neighborhood led EPA detectives to Lefty's back door, and some pointed questions for Mr. Balsac...Said Mr. Balsac, "Like most people, I hold my nose and close my eyes when Lefty walks by, so I failed to notice his open flap...I couldn't afford to take a chance getting sick until my Obamacare insurance takes effect...If I had known of the danger, I would have taken action"...
HABH&PE executives have decided to be lenient with Balsac, and have recommended a reduction in grade to poofter second class, suspension of hot tub privileges, and completion of an underwear sensitivity training course before returning to duty...
Update: Fashion designer RHM has again come to the rescue with his new line of velcro fastened long johns, just in time for winter wear featured at his male lingerie boutique...
Pictured below, RHM's spokesmodel, Lefty, shows off part of the fall collection at an outdoor pay-per-visit facility behind the boutique...
Update: Fashion correspondent Dan reports, "While the initial tests of the Velcro on Lefty's rear flap were encouraging, even if Lefty's after-lunch emissions blew the flap open, it was found that Lefty's crabs were becoming stuck in the Velcro and, having legs on both top and bottom, were biting his butt."
Editor's note: Pending approval by the FUA (Federal Underwear Authority), Lefty will be required to wear a standard EPA underwear monitor...
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