Iran Judge Closes Poofter's Zipper, Ignoring Pleas for Transparency...

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/26/world/middleeast/iran-judge-closes-reporters-trial-ignoring-pleas-for-transparency.html?_r=0

In a preview of what poofter life would be in America under sharia law, an Iranian judge ruled against a gay bath house client who wished to adopt Western ways...Not liking the lack of style in the traditional thobe worn by gay muslims before entering the bath house, Ramses Hannu Menhet (or simply RHM) wanted to bring his flair for fashion to Tehran's homo society...

RHM, who traces his lineage to his namesake in ancient Lower Mesopotamia, found he liked the style and comfort of relaxed-fit Levi's worn in the "open fly" manner of gay westerners...When he was denied entry by the doorman to the Tehran Bath House & Goat Washateria until he zipped his fly, his protest carried him to the Supreme Poofter Sharia Court...

The court, which falls under the jurisdiction of Iran's Ministry of Steamrooms, upheld the doorman's decision and ordered RHM's fly closed...The judge, Ayatollah Leph te Rashitch, became enraged when RHM pleaded for transparency by leaving the zipper open, and left the bench to angrily zip it up himself...

RHM has found an unlikely ally in neighboring Israel as Rabbi Levty, who claims his ancestry from the founder of the Levi's clothing industry, Levi Strauss, called for moderation by allowing the change...Rabbi Levty's statement that "we are all the same men under our towels," drew sharp criticism from Ayatollah Leph te, who said, "You guys are nothing like us after your best parts get whittled off"...

The rabbi's pleas for leniency are not likely to gain support in the Israeli government as he is a member of a radical branch of the Rashidic Temple, and operates a kosher non-denominational bath house near a Taco Bell deli...RHM, who was sentenced to hard labor in the Tehran bath house laundry, is said to be thinking of converting to the rabbi's faith after serving his time...

During his trial, RHM presented evidence of a precedent set by an American politician (pictured below having his zipper opened for public viewing), but was overruled...

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ISUK Security Official Claims Virgins Separated From Captured Livestock, Given as Award to Fighters...

http://www.christianpost.com/news/isis-security-official-claims-virgins-separated-from-captured-women-given-as-award-to-fighters-128355/

In an obvious taunt directed at US poofters, radical gay Islamic Ayatollah Leph te Rashitch today told interviewers that as a result of the split decision in the sissyweight exhibition fight between the Islamic State United Kingdom (ISUK) champion, Liqit Youssef, and rank contender, RHM, who represents US poofters, all ISUK fighters are now awarded with virgin goats captured from British goat farmers...The Ayatollah said the humiliation suffered by Youssef in the ring was unforgivable as RHM refused to go down for, or on, the ISUK champ...

As reported earlier, the Ayatollah had boasted that no fighter could withstand the jihad punch or lethal breath of Youssef in the ring, especially after he consumed his pre-match ritual lunch of curdled goat cheese and Red Sea sardine sandwiches...But it didn't work that way as RHM's trainer Lefty explained, "Ordinarily Youssef's breath would knock over a Buick, but RHM grew up in my family, so Youssef's breath was nothing more than fresh air to him"...

A rematch is already being touted as neither fighter landed a blow in the ring, although some blows may have been exchanged in the locker room as Youssef was said to have found RHM attractive "for an infidel"...Trainer Lefty said of the possible rematch, "At least when Youssef decides to throw in the towel, he won't have to reach far"...

Lefty also said that RHM has been at the Taco Bell training table every day packing down the calories, and may exceed the 89 pound minimum sissyweight requirement by as much as two or three pounds this time...Meanwhile, Ayatollah Leph te, who also serves as Iranian Minister of Steamrooms, boasts that Youssef has begun a training regimen that includes fighting off the advances of Turkish oil wrestlers (shown below) to toughen him up...

The Turks were said to have a name for Youssef which cannot be spoken by Western tongues, but translates roughly to "the breath of a thousand knobsuckers"...Oddsmakers in Las Vegas are giving even odds that Youssef will apply for a US visa to pursue a new romantic interest, and perhaps change in religion...

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RHMBrands to Buy Rival DBApparel for About $5.44...

http://www.businessweek.com/news/2014-06-25/hanesbrands-to-buy-rival-dbapparel-for-about-544-million

Famed designer and operator of a male lingerie boutique, RHM, has announced his intended purchase of the primary maker of skivvies for french poofters...Says RHM, "I generally don't care for the french because they're all so faggoty, but they have some innovative designs in male lingerie"...

RHM noted their patented "short johns" with trap doors front and rear which open inward to prevent their potatoes from falling out...RHM explained that the french potato famine has put russets on the endangered tuber list, and conservation efforts such as this protect the harvest...

When asked why the odd number in his $5.44 offer for the designer label, RHM explained that this was all that was in the towel boys' tip jar when he applied for the loan from his brother, Lefty...RHM advises that the prototype skivvies pictured below will not be available for importation in white as white garments are considered military equipment in France in case of an emergency surrender...

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Boutique Owner’s Sign Targets ‘Hard-to-Please’ Poofter Clients...

http://www.wggb.com/2014/09/23/restaurant-owners-sign-targets-hard-to-please-customers/

An angry RHM, owner/chief designer of a Hobby Airport area male lingerie boutique, has enraged his clientele by closing his business...Says RHM, "I'm just fed up with all these fat, picky homos!...There's just no pleasing them!"...

RHM referred to the constant barrage of questions concerning whether his fabrics are organically grown, or whether artificial dyes are used for color...Their main complaint seems to be why he can't sell a personal fragrance which will hide the odor of his brother and spokesmodel, Lefty...

RHM added, "And these poofters keep asking about whether animals are being harmed in production because every time my brother Lefty walks by, he makes a sound as if he stepped on a duck...It's his diet, he can't help it!"...

Other causes for concern among his clients are why he can't stock enough male lingerie in the larger sizes demanded by his overweight patrons...RHM explains, "There's only so much fabric available!...Why can't these fat faggots go on a diet, and lay off the burritos!"...

RHM is expected to re-open his boutique tomorrow after his anger subsides...Lefty said in a supporting statement, "The little sissy will cry and pout for a while like he always does, then he'll open the doors again...What a wuss"...

Pictured below, angry mobs demonstrate outside the shop after the closing...

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RHM expands business...

The success of RHM's male lingerie boutique has astounded business analysts everywhere...His/her latest store opening in Phoenix, Arizona hit a snag when it was found that a local retired skyjumping champion had assumed the name "RHM" for his trampoline tuning business...Standing for Really Hot Mamas, since most of his business comes from a nearby lesbian nudist colony, the business owner and presidential candidate had long since registered the name RHM...

Our young entrepreneur was then forced to use a new name for his Arizona outlet store, and chose ABC Underwear Store for the benefit of the slower witted poofters among his clientele...

http://www.abcunderwear.com/phoenix-underwear-store.html

It is also not well known that before RHM's rise to success in the business world, he also had to assume the role of model for his lingerie...Of course now he has his brother Lefty as spokesmodel, but the following photograph from his website archive shows RHM in his/her earlier business days...

http://imgur.com/gallery/DEe3EJO

Perennial presidential candidate Phillbo is pictured below demonstrating his trampoline tuning talents to a Lebanese client...

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RHM captured after theft...

http://wgnsradio.com/no-way-4th-huge-panties-and-bra-theft-from-murfreesboro-victoria-secret-store--cms-14151

Law enforcement officials were baffled in the mysterious theft of 68 pairs of licorice flavored edible panties from Victoria's Secret until sissyweight prizefighter, RHM, tried to exchange them for raspberry flavors...The customer service representative became suspicious when she noticed many of the panties had teeth marks and what appeared to be drool deposits...

RHM subsequently confessed to store loss prevention officers that the edible undies were for the dessert tray at a reception at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, but the company VISA card was maxxed out and he was forced to smuggle them past security officers inside a maternity bustiere in order to make a luncheon deadline...RHM tried to exchange them after finding that several bath house clients were allergic to licorice, and broke out in hives and pustules on the steam room floor...

RHM has retained the services of Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. whose office had been recently relocated to an adjoining cell...RHM hopes to be released on bail in time to make his upcoming three round bout with gay porn actor and martial artist, Arnold Swollenpecker...

Crime photographer Dan entered the below photo into evidence before sending the panties to the lab for sweetness tests...

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Does Hillary underwear flap mean trouble ahead for Bath House?...

http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/does-hillary-email-flap-mean-trouble-ahead-for-white-house/article/2561225

The latest trend towards equality begun by famed politician, Hillary Clinton, on her inspection tour of lesbian bath houses has caused a furor among fashion designers and boutique operators...During her extended trip through the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, a quick glance through the unisex reception area on her way to the lesbian facilities revealed an alarming detail...

Her keen eye noticed that some of the male poofters wore trap-door underwear for easy access, while the lesbian clientele wore undies with no similar advantage...Upon talking with RHM, proprietor of the successful male lingerie boutique on the premises, it was revealed that the obvious inequality issue had never risen...

Having a few extra yards of pink flannel, RHM designed a trap-door variation of  the former first lady's favored "granny-pantie" style on the spot, and after a personal fitting she ordered Congress to mandate the new style in all poofter/lesbo outlets while banning further use of non-trap-door underclothing...RHM promised compliance, but immediately saw design problems with the popular thong and g-string fashions preferred by lesbians and towel boys...

The new layer of government created to oversee compliance sent federal underwear inspectors to approve any new designs, and couturiers like RHM found that any new fashions without an adequate trap door were considered non-compliant and rejected...RHM was in a panic over lost sales and fear of a government takeover until his brother, towel boy Lefty, stopped in to light his cigar on his way to the men's room...

Lefty's only thong was in the laundry for a deep cleaning following his extra helping of Frito ® Brand bean dip on his Taco Bell lunch, and he was wearing only a jock strap purloined from a client's locker...RHM theorized that the simple addition of a drawstring to the garment could open or close the two cheek supports providing either quick access or the appearance of a thong as the wearer desired...

The resulting fashion innovation has taken the poofter world by storm after gaining approval of the Federal Underwear & Foundation Administration (FUFA), and sales are reported strong in bath house boutiques nationwide...Pictured below, spokesmodel Lefty demonstrates the freedom of movement found in the prototype design...

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RHM spurned at the altar...

http://qnews.com.au/article/new-york-pro-boxer-marries-his-man

Rising sissyweight boxer, RHM, had his hopes to be the first gay pugilist to be married in the ring dashed this week as his fiance married another man instead...

Quote: "The former Sydney Olympian wore rainbow boxing shorts and pink gloves in the marriage ceremony to his/her spouse, Suki "Powder Puff" LeCocque."

RHM, speaking through apparent tears, told the happy couple at a press conference he wants a special "grudge match" against Suki (pronounced suck-key) after the honeymoon...The unsanctioned match will be a winner-take-all bout, and will be fought in the traditional poofter style in which both opponents will wear only codpieces adorned with the sponsor of each...

RHM will have the support of long-time sponsor, the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, while Suki will wear the fuschia and lime-green striped codpiece of the Happy Homos of New Caney...The venue chosen for the match is the jello-wrestling pit in the topless bar behind RHM's male lingerie boutique in Pasadena...

A limited number of ringside seats are available from RHM's brother and business manager, Lefty, who also has the exclusive sales concession rights for Febreze Air Freshener and seat cushions (furnished for the hemorrhoid afflicted poofters in the audience)...

Shown below is each boxer in regulation sissyweight protective gear...

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Iran supreme leader taunts U.S. poofter to fight Islamic State champ...

http://uk.reuters.com/article/2014/09/15/uk-iraq-crisis-france-idUKKBN0HA0F120140915

In a statement clearly designed to raise the ire of senior US bath house officials, radical Islamic poofter, Iranian Minister of Steamrooms, Ayatollah Leph te Rashitch, has challenged American bath house sportsmen to produce a fighter to go up against their new British champion...Iranian born Liqit Youssef was crowned sissyweight champion of the Islamic State United Kingdom (ISUK) last night in a quick decision over french challenger, Florian LePoof...

LePoof cried "foul" at the decision, saying he was momentarily overcome by what he termed as "an unfair advantage"...The ISUK champion is known to consume a ritual lunch of curdled goat cheese and Red Sea sardine sandwiches before every bout, ensuring that his breath also has a knockout punch...

Ayatollah Leph te boasted that all American fighters are weaklings, and no one can stand up to the jihad punch of Liqit Youssef...US poofters quickly fired back an answer, saying that ranked contender RHM can go the distance with any ISUK sissyweight...

Although RHM has had no championship bouts, he has already fought to a standstill in exhibition matches with gay pornstar, Arnold Swollenpecker, and lesbian nude oil wrestler, Mazola Mcleglock...But they say his main advantage is that he lives with his brother Lefty, who is also his trainer/manager, and has been immune all his life to the garbage-dump breath that is said to be Liqit Youssef's "secret weapon"...

In a hastily called press conference, Manager Lefty stated that RHM has the full backing of the prestigious Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium in any match, sanctioned or not...Said Lefty, "My boy will go jihad all over this skinny muslim's butt whether it's in the ring or in a back alley"...

Las Vegas oddsmakers are calling this match an even bet as neither fighter has a punch hard enough to knock over a sick cat...However, bidding is already skyrocketing from concessionaires looking for exclusive rights to sell Febreze and oxygen masks at what is almost certain to be an open-air fight...

In a slap at Manager Lefty's profession as a towel boy, the Ayatollah said he should remember to steal a bath house towel to throw in the ring after Youssef knocks RHM out...Lefty replied that Youssef should try to borrow LePoof's white flag to hang on his pants pole to signal a quick surrender as he enters the ring...

In this unusual bout, the highest priced seats are said to be the ones farthest from the ring, and consequently from the smell...RHM  has been seen at the Taco Bell training table (pictured below) everyday working to get his weight up to the minimum 89 pounds for the sissyweight class...

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'Dancing with the Stars' season 18 cast revealed, includes sissyweight fighter, RHM...

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv-movies/dancing-stars-season-18-cast-revealed-article-1.1709955

High ratings are almost assured for DWTS as sissyweight fighter and poofter boutique owner, RHM, has been signed for the cast...RHM excitedly explained, "I'm just all aglow!...I have to start designing my wardrobe now!...I need to order more lace and glitter today!"...

Although no dance partner for RHM has yet been found, professional nude oil wrestler, Mazola McLeglock, is said to be a strong contender...Mazola's manager/trainer/boyfriend/bitch Lefty explains, "I can testify that Mazola definitely knows how to lead, on the dance floor and everywhere else"...

Gay porn star and RHM's former ring opponent, Arnold Swollenpecker, is another candidate...Says Arnold, "I know our last meeting turned into a slapfest in the third round, but I think we can be professionals on the dance floor"...

Shown below are two failed competitors who couldn't measure up to poofter standards on the dance floor...

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Experimental US Hypersonic Underwear Destroyed Seconds After Lunch...

http://www.voanews.com/content/reu-hypersonic-weapon-test/2428001.html

Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory reports the accidental destruction of an experimental pair of Jockey shorts designed to withstand the rigors of space travel after a lunch visit to a local Taco Bell...Dr. Lefty said, "Astronaut RHM was authorized to wear the Depends-style undies in a test to see if they will stand up to the pressures developed by a chili burrito diet"...

Seconds after RHM had washed down his fourth green chili burrito with a Mountain Dew refill, the overpressure alarm began to sound within his pants...Following his training, RHM quickly stripped off the drawers and flung them over his shoulder while running for cover...

Unfortunately the loaded underwear landed in the Taco Bell deep fryer, triggering a Level 3 emergency to be declared by the EPA...It was later determined that RHM had included the unauthorized addition of some leftover Jack In The Box onion rings from his breakfast when he consumed the Taco Bell lunch...

Dr. Lefty reports that after his release from the Ben Taub burn clinic, RHM will be transferred to an undisclosed location for re-education in underwear safety procedures...

Shown below are the prototype skivvies with mandatory warning labels, and the required containment packaging...

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RHM enters UFC competition...

http://www.boxingscene.com/malignaggi-broner-punk-sissy-beats-dishwashers--64938

RHM, following his dismissal as soap dispenser attendant at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, has registered with the WBA as a fighter in the newly created Sissyweight Class...Since the Flyweight Class was considered too brutal and dangerous for RHM and others, boxing officials came up with the Sissyweight Class in which opponents fight with overstuffed pillows strapped to their hands...Rules state a mandatory ten second break at any sign of crying or tears...

RHM's first opponent is an ex-lifeguard who was fired from the Girl Scout Summer Camp for aggressive CPR techniques, who trained as a dishwasher at Denny's lifting heavy stacks of breakfast platters...Noted oddsmaker, Lefty, is giving 12 to 5 on the dishwasher...

RHM shown here in required protective gear...

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Iran's famous bathhouses are disappearing...

http://mashable.com/2015/04/03/irans-famous-bathhouses-disappearing/

Iran's Minister of Steamrooms, the Ayatollah Leph te Rashitch, is blaming Western decadence and American influence for the diminishing numbers of bath houses available for use by Iranian poofters...Leph te fondly recalls the days when he could choose from throngs of young men eager to learn the time-honored trade of towel boy, now saying, "The only new students want to learn locker pilferage and hiding their own tip jars"...

Leph te is said to have come up through the ranks as an apprentice towel boy, and learning the secrets of men's room attendancy at the feet of Grand Caliph RHM before assuming his present position of power in a coup which toppled his mentor, the Grand Caliph...Leveling charges of "infidel" at his former master for advocating new gay colors in turbans and towels, Ayatollah Leph te caused the disgraced RHM to be banished to the laundry room of the Tehran Poofter Palace as a towel folder...

It is thought that Leph te has dismissed the idea of any possible return of RHM to a position of influence, and has concentrated on growing his power base through an alliance with the radical Islamic State United Kingdom (ISUK)...Meanwhile rumors continue to surface of a connection between RHM's progressive ideas and a Hindu goat-whisperer named Rama Lambda Ernest...

The decline in the number of poofter bath houses in Iran may signal a rise in a hybrid religion combining the beliefs of Grand Caliph RHM and the reclusive Rama Lambda...Traditional Iranian bath house clients are known to be dissatisfied with the level of service in what was once the opulent lifestyle of Tehran homos, and many are calling for a change in leadership and direction...

Religious analysts say the possible hybrid religion has yet to take its final form or name as practicing poofters and traditional goat-worshipers try to work out the details of the alliance...Calls to Rama Lambda Ernest's Gonzales County ranch and temple have not been returned, and neither confirmation nor denial has been offered of the planned merger...

Sources close to the goat-whisperer say that although Ernest is a man of peace and tranquility, he does demand obedience from his followers and maintains a level of dominance in their beliefs...Shown below in one of the few known photographs of him, the Rama Lambda cautions silence to two of his young charges about their secret nocturnal rituals...

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Lefty braves sub-zero temperatures for Special Olympics...

http://billingsgazette.com/news/local/polar-bare-plunge-goes-on-despite-subzero-temperatures/article_47e817eb-61d5-5f2a-9ae6-cdbdc6273f31.html

The annual Polar Bare Plunge was held this year in support of Special Olympics...Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium chief towel boy, Lefty, agreed to participate in the nude ice-water dip to promote the upcoming fight scheduled for his brother, sissyweight boxer RHM...

Lefty was promised if he would take the naked plunge in the frozen lake, that a hot tub full of naked lesbians would be waiting on the other side for him...When Lefty emerged with icicles on his testicles, he found that the hot tub was only big enough to hold two of the fat lesbians...He also found that they had not applied enough Crisco to their bodies before entering the tub and they were unable to come out without disassembling the tub...

Meanwhile RHM has signed the contract for a three round exhibition bout between himself and the winner of the Special Olympics thumb-wrestling event...Pre-match betting odds in Las Vegas are 9-4 against RHM...

Shown below all pumped up after a workout, RHM says he's ready...

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Tesla Ventures Into Solar Power Storage for Home and Massage Parlor...

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/01/business/energy-environment/with-new-factory-tesla-ventures-into-solar-power-storage-for-home-and-business.html?_r=0

Proving that you don't really need to know much English if you understand the business language, Armenian refugee Tesla D, a lesbian masseuse in the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, has announced through her translator that she is embarking upon an exciting new commercial venture...She has forged an alliance with RHM Industries for the purpose of importing and distributing a line of rechargeable solar batteries for vibrators and other lesbian "entertainment devices"...

Her statement was provided by spokesmodel Lefty of RHM Industries who said, "This babe has a product that will put the Energizer bunny in the dark"...According to Lefty, Tesla began thinking of a solution to power alternatives during the many power outages when the bath house executive board inadvertently forgot to pay the light bill before leaving on their many management seminars at luxury poofter resorts...

Even though Tesla's talented hands and other body parts were always able to finish the job for her lesbian clients, she said her power instruments would have allowed better usage of her time, and Lefty complained that the lack of light caused him to be forced to shut down his observation deck on the other side of the wall where he rented out peephole access by the minute...Using a connection in her native country, she began importing inexpensive, yet good quality, solar batteries in containers marked "secret muslim holy equipment, infidel do not open" in order to expedite customs clearance by Obama administration authorities...

Lefty explained further that the solar batteries are easily recharged by the lesbians when they lay on the nude beach to rest between their activity sessions...RHM Industries became interested when RHM found the batteries also fit the "Anal Intruder" device he sells in his male lingerie boutiques, and he signed on as distributor of the product...

Tesla will not be putting her full name on the product, but instead will use her copyrighted "Tesla D" brand since her Armenian surname cannot be pronounced by western tongues...Spokesmodel Lefty explained that the last westerner who attempted to pronounce her name developed such a severe stutter that she can now only communicate through sign language, but as a consequence of her lip movements, became a popular party guest at lesbian functions...

The innovative young masseuse is also test marketing attachments for her pleasure appliances which will provide some much needed oral hygiene opportunities for her clientele as illustrated below...

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Local fashion designer goes Hollywood...

A well known Hobby Airport area fashionista and poofter was called upon to lend his design talents to the new "Man Of Steel" film...

Says RHM: "Yes, I'm happy to say I had a hand in Superman's shorts...My brother Lefty was the first to wear his underwear on the outside of his tights when he had to dress in a hurry, and I turned it into a fashion statement..."

Hollywood costume directors had a "hard" time hiding the unusually large lower protuberance possessed by the Superman actor, Arnold Swollenpecker, and called upon RHM who immediately flew to Hollywood...They wanted to minimize Swollenpecker's obvious talent in order to avoid an X-rating and keep their PG audience...

RHM explained: "It's the opposite of my brother Lefty's problem since he has to carry a potato in his Jockeys to make girls think he has something down there...It took a lot of work and many hours of personal fitting, but I got the costume to not make Mr. Swollenpecker look like he's smuggling baseball bats..."

Below porn actor Arnold Swollenpecker reacts to RHM's clever methods of making his member appear normal...

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Report: HABH&PE ‘Zeroed In’ On Poofters Locker Room Attendant In DeflateGate Investigation...

http://boston.cbslocal.com/2015/01/26/report-nfl-zeroed-in-on-patriots-locker-room-attendant-in-deflategate-investigation/

Sports crime investigators for INTERPOOF, the gay crimes enforcement agency, are said to be "zeroing in" on a suspect in the recent scandal concerning deflated "marital aids" used in the Bath House Olympics semi-finals...Favored contender and perennial champion Lefty called foul when unable to get the correct bounce from his inflatable "date" in the last round of the competition...

Coming from a strong first-place finish in the nude leapfrog competition, Lefty was the odds on favorite to win the Ironman/Rubberwoman Biathlon until it was noticed his rebound technique was out of time, causing him to lose points in this synchronized event...Security camera footage shows an off-duty men's room attendant known only as RHM accepting a Taco Bell sack later found to contain an undetermined amount of cash from two burly individuals wearing raincoats and WNBA caps...

Under questioning, a visibly nervous RHM claimed the money was his change from his lunch delivery from Taco Bell, and the two burly individuals were lesbian students  working their way through college on a basketball scholarship...However, RHM could not immediately explain his recent remittance in full for past due payments on the business loan for his male lingerie boutique from Swifty's All-night Bail Bond, Repo & Payday Loan Co...

RHM could only mutter that "tips were good last week" as INTERPOOF detectives vowed to press their probe into the arrears rising from the scandal...Meanwhile, sports correspondent Dan reports, "Reports are reportedly assistant attendant towel boy Lefty was swiping and selling the poofters' underwear after each game."...

Shown below, the two student suspects are shown celebrating the results of the DNA tests which prove conclusively they are indeed lesbians...

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Bath House Authorizes Unionsuit Against Towelboy Lefty...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/30/boehner-obama-lawsuit_n_5635416.html

Citing numerous air quality and human rights violations, the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium has authorized sanctions against Lefty for storing leftover breakfast burritos along with the mustard & onion sandwiches his mom packs for him under the trap door of his union suit...

Senior men's room attendant, RHM, has testified his tips have been cut in half since Lefty started changing into his uniform thong and hanging his union suit in the toilet stall of the poofters' powder room...Said RHM, "I even had to start smoking El Producto cigars again to cover up the smell, and still I get complaints"...

RHM said a deal is in the works to let Lefty change in the lesbians' douche and enema parlor if a zoning change can be made to allow them to keep the windows open 24 hours a day in the environmentally sensitive neighborhood..

Pictured below is RHM's personal favorite...

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Bath house reinstates towel boy fired after refusing to open Thanksgiving...

http://www.nbcnews.com/business/pizza-hut-manager-fired-after-refusing-open-thanksgiving-2D11665028

Like most bath house employees, Lefty looks forward to his holidays, but when the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium ordered him and his brother, RHM, to open the Poofter Boutique on Thanksgiving for early Black Friday shoppers, he refused...Traditionally Lefty plays the part of the stuffed turkey (without dressing) in the annual Montrose Lesbian Turkey Parade, and told his poofter bosses that the happy faces of the lesbians in the street orgy were more important than his job...

Management responded by firing the two brothers, but under pressure from the wealthy gay clientele of the bath house, they later relented and re-hired both Lefty and RHM...The good news became a moot point for Lefty as he was arrested on pickpocket charges by an undercover midget lesbian detective from Montgomery County's Precinct 0, who walked in the parade dressed only in body paint...

The detective, identified only as Deputy Dumpy Bunny, felt a hand between two rolls of belly fat where she kept her badge and gun, and immediately handcuffed Lefty who was clad only in turkey feathers...The parade audience, who are accustomed to handcuff play while frolicking, thought it was part of the act and cheered wildly...Lefty later claimed at his arraignment that he was merely trying to touch up the detective's paint costume with a french tickler he mistakenly thought was a paintbrush...

Lefty's holiday is sure to be an active one as he is now housed with fifty male inmates who had many comments on his "gobbler garments" as he was led into their cell...His bail hearing is scheduled after the holiday season as all judges seem to be unavailable due to vacation scheduling...

Update: Following Lefty's arrest, RHM passed the hat (which is all he was wearing) among the bath house poofters and collected $4.74 plus some watch batteries and buttons for Lefty's bail...He added this to his money from Coke bottle returns and shoe shines and had almost ten dollars...Ordinarily this would not be enough for bail, but a liberal lesbian traffic court judge heard about Lefty's plight and set the bail at $10.00...

RHM would have made it to the bond window at the courthouse, but started watching a Felix the Cat marathon on the Cartoon Network, and missed the deadline...Fortunately for Lefty, the judge released him to her custody under house arrest (her house) where he will work off the bail and fine by instructing the judge's nude pilates class plus other unspecified services...

Alert news photographer Dan captured the scene in the photo below moments before the detective made the arrest...

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Mysterious mystery mystifies all...

http://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/houston/article/Aurora-UFO-crash-remains-a-Texas-alien-mystery-5410990.php

Unsolved mystery writer Dan files this brief, "Aurora UFO crash remains a Texas illegal alien mystery" ... According to UFO chairman Lefty the illegal aliens all farted when caught by the Border Patrol. The mystery of where they got the bean burritos is still unsolved.

Late breaking update: Lefty was absolved of guilt this time as he was on record as being seen at a Houston Fire Department incident scene this afternoon...As you know, Lefty and his brother, RHM, rent a converted shipping container in the backyard of an elderly Braniff Street recluse where RHM prepares their daily meals...

Today RHM was cooking a fried baloney sandwich for their lunch when it inexplicably caught fire...Since there were no fire extinguishers nearby, RHM was forced to use Lefty's last Hamm's beer to put out the flames...The fire department wrote a citation to their landlord for having an inadequate fire suppression system, and the elderly recluse is attempting to use his influence with the City Council to negotiate a lesser bribe...

Meanwhile Lefty is inconsolable over the tragic loss of his last Hamm's...

Update to update: It's a really good week for Lefty...His therapist announced today that he has finally broken his compulsive habit of biting his toenails at the table after dinner...Now if his mom can get him to remember to put on his pants before he goes outside, he may be ready to join society again on a closely supervised limited basis...

News photo showing home damage after fire shown below...

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