Lefty's pledge...

Lefty has been called to Washington to show his solidarity with President Obama...Since Obama has pledged to return 5% of his salary to the cash-starved US Treasury, Lefty has pledged to return 5% of the money, jewelry and cigarette butts he pilfers from the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium back to its source...So far, all his returns have been deposited in the towel boys' tip jar which he also pilfers...

As Lefty says, "It's the thought that counts"...

Update: The following has been reported by reader Dan: "Lefty showed his solidarity to President Obama, but unfortunately he showed too much and the Secret Service arrested him for indecent exposure."

Editor's note: As we understand it, they were both showing their solidarity to each other when an overzealous congressional men's room attendant opened the stall door...Being a disgruntled Nixon supporter, he called in the Metro Toilet Police who had no choice but file affidavits on both...

Obama, claiming executive washroom privilege, was never charged...Lefty, on the other hand, was forced to call in high-powered DC barrister, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq...Mr. Spitt, having previously cleared himself of witness pampering charges in the Beechnut vs. Copenhagen case, had Lefty's original charges of sodomy reduced to following too closely...

In an effort to show his gratitude (not to mention his more private parts), Lefty has volunteered as towel boy in Spitt's on-premises bath house at his palatial Alabama pig farm estate on a pro boner basis...The pigs are said to have filed their own injunctions as a result...

Pictured below is the toll booth outside the White House pay toilet...

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Denmark Seeks to Ban Bestiality...

http://newswire.net/newsroom/news/00085531-denmark-seeks-to-ban-bestiality.html

In a move certain to raise the ire of liberal activists, Denmark is poised to ban all bestiality activities even within the confines of marriage...One case in particular which promises to be high-profile is that of Norwegian poofter fugitive, Ifar Toften...

Mr. Toften moved from Norway to Denmark not only for its lenient extradition treaties, but because of its relaxed policies concerning his recent marriage to a Danish goat...Adding to the complications is the fact that the goat is linked to its Siamese twin through a common rear leg...

Mr. Toften, speaking though his attorney, Mr. C. N. Spitt, Esq., said the twin to whom he is not married also faces extradition to its native Siam on charges of leash law violations...Mr. Spitt said, "In the interests of justice, the Danish bestiality ban must be struck down until all extradition difficulties can be ironed out...Do any of you reporters happen to have a drink on you?"...

Mr. Toften hopes to solve all the trouble by marrying the other goat also, if he can get a waiver from the Danish court to get around the bigamy statutes...Mr. Spitt explained that although Denmark not only allows, but encourages marriage between genders and/or species, they currently forbid multiple spouses to prevent confusion for the children...

In this matter, Mr. Toften has enlisted the help of a shadowy religious figure known only as "Father X," a former minor government official from Utah who was forced to retire over a scandal concerning counterfeit Coors beer ration cards used at state controlled liquor stores...Father X has since joined the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity, and formed his own sect in the Moab Desert with Sister Britney and his many other wives under the sanction of Bishop Lefty...

Father X has offered to travel to Denmark to perform the ceremony for his expenses and a personal guided tour of all the Danish breweries...Speaking through their translator, an itinerant goat-whisperer known only as Ernest, the siamesed goats, who are in fact brother and sister, have expressed their delight in the upcoming nuptials...

Bidding is underway for video rights to the wedding and subsequent honeymoon...Shown below, the bride is being fitted for his/her wedding trousseau...

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Chew'n'Spit fired...

Famed litigator, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., was summarily fired by Lefty in today's session of the Alabama State Supreme Court & Icehouse...Mr. Spitt was attempting to refile Lefty's briefs after they were rejected by the bath house laundry, when Lefty became enraged by the delay...

Following Mr. Spitt's dismissal, Lefty retained the services of the Cascade Kitchen Counselor whom he met while making his weekly deposit at the Hobby Airport Sperm Bank...

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News of the financial world...

Business and finance correspondent Dan files this timely report, "As you know, Lefty has embarked on his new business venture 'Twat-A-Burger' , and is counting on loyal investors like you and Dave Grubb to buy franchises. I, myself, as you know, was heavily invested in Lefty's last business venture, the 'Beaver Balm' tonic for the ladies. Unfortunately, thugs from Lydia Pinkham Corp. beat up mix-master RHM and stole all the fixings, which reportedly were bought by WD-40 Corp. As a sportsman who has used both WD-40 and Dri-Slide on tight ladies, I thought Beaver Balm would find a niche ,or slot or whatever, in the marketplace, especially with it's slogan 'Tighter on the peter and sweeter on the eater'...".

Update: Dave Grubb was all set to sell off his Allis-Chalmers preferred stock to buy a franchise until he found out the contracts had been drawn up by Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., with whom he has a long standing personal feud...It seems when Dave was being discharged from the Army he had brought home a Korean hostess who used to serve him coffee and donuts in his foxhole, and a young MP discovered her in Dave's duffel bag at customs inspection...The MP used this incident to springboard into his career as a successful attorney and Alabama pig farmer...

Having thus been disgraced by Spitt, Dave had to work for years to overcome his embarrassing reputation among other Pennsylvania tractor mechanics and birdhouse engineers...Lefty tried to convince Dave the investment was sound, but due to contractual obligations with Mr. Spitt (he still has an outstanding debt from a previous bail bond release) he was unable to land this lucrative business...

Photo below courtesy of the Dave Grubb collection...

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"Pride of Montrose" towel boy gets back on board shipwrecked cruise liner..

http://www.thestar.com/news/world/2014/02/27/costa_concordia_captain_gets_back_on_board_shipwrecked_cruise_liner.html

"The disgraced former towel boy of a poofter cruise liner that capsized off an Italian island went back on board Thursday for the first time since the 2012 shipwreck."

The towel boy, listed on the Italian manifest as Leftino, has been sequestered in a Hobby Airport area mansion until his/her testimony as required in the shipwreck's legal proceedings...Leftino's testimony is considered crucial, and the mansion's owner, a retired clandestine government employee, was happy to comply under threat of a visit from the Houston Drainage Committee...

Said Leftino, "I'm glad to get out of there...The smelly old dude's daughter is a hot babe, but she keeps turning the heaters off in the winter...Something about open flames and gas leaks"...The towel boy is charging that the shipwreck was the result of incompetence on the Captain's part...

Leftino charges that the ship's international cuisine caused gastric distress and uncontrolled flatulence on the lesbian side of the ship where he performed his duties, and the Captain refused to give the order to open all the portholes...He testified that the Captain was frolicking with the passengers on the poofter side, and seemed unconcerned that the high pressure from the flatulence had increased the buoyancy on the lesbo side and caused a list to the homo side...

Leftino testified, "By the time the flatulence blowout valves opened, it was too late to save the ship...I heroically rushed to the purser's office to save the passengers' jewelry and wallets, but the poofters were underwater by then...Without regard for my own safety, I grabbed two of the naked lesbians and threw us overboard...Fortunately their large breasts kept us afloat until rescue"...

The Captain is being represented in Italian Maritime Court by famed attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., who happened to be vacationing on the Italian Riviera until an Alabama bench warrant against him expires...Mr. Spitt claims to have evidence against Leftino that will exonerate the Captain and convict the real guilty party...

Leftino is shown below demonstrating the latest in packaged potatoes to a lesbo passenger...

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Hair stylist accused of breaching non-compete clause, sued by former employer...

http://louisianarecord.com/news/267356-hair-stylist-accused-of-breaching-non-compete-clause-sued-by-former-employer

The Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium's newest associate is already embroiled in a legal fight with his/her previous employer...Fedora "Butch" Jenner was hired in the newly created unisex hatcheck person position in a cost saving move by the bath house's executive board...

The industrious and innovative transgender Butch immediately thought of new ways to improve the level of service while augmenting his/her paycheck...Adding a barber chair and a shoeshine box quickly increased traffic as Butch became the resident unisex hairstylist and shine person...

Towel boy Lefty, overdue for a mullet trim, decided to take advantage of the advertised "package deal" and get his shoes shined as well...Since he was wearing his US Keds which can't be shined, he opted for a brushing followed by having his knob polished instead...

He was satisfied with the job, but disappointed in finding out "package deal" didn't mean an even trade for his "package"...He paid anyway, adding a nickel tip, and told lesbian powder room attendant Latrina what a great deal he got...

After hearing of Lefty's knob polishing, the enraged Latrina filed a breach-of-contract lawsuit with famed attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. claiming she had exclusive rights to polish knobs on the premises...Latrina had previously hired Butch as a part-time knob polisher to handle client overload until Butch's regular position was secured..

After gaining the hatcheck position, Butch was contractually barred from polishing knobs for profit by the "no-compete" clause he/she had signed with Latrina...Mr. Spitt said he would have to submit into evidence a comparison of polishing jobs to assure the court of equal performance levels...

Latrina and Butch both agreed to demonstrate on the judge and each jury member in the courtroom, and each is confident of a victory in court...In lieu of the standard bribes, a raffle is being held to determine judge and jury selections, and the court reporter will offer video copies in the courthouse lobby for a nominal fee...

Shown below is the sign to be hung on each knob while court is in session...

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Hobby Airport Academic Fraud Went on for Years Amid Lax Oversight, Report Finds...

http://online.wsj.com/articles/report-details-academic-scandal-at-north-carolina-1413997202?tesla=y&mg=reno64-wsj&url=http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10544583878787513307804580230421015924534.html

Allegations have now deepened against the embattled Hobby Airport University of Poofter Sciences (UPS) as new charges have been filed with the school's chairman of the Board of Regents, Dean Lefty...Dean Lefty, in turn, has attempted to shift the blame onto the faculty, security services and even the janitorial staff...

The troubles began last week when a transgendered ex-sailor applied for admission to the school's Institute of Male Lingerie Design using his/her veteran's benefits...The Registrar, Professor RHM, explained that Dean Lefty requires that all benefit checks must be submitted for direct deposit in the school's Faculty Dining Hall Fund, which investigation shows is redirected to Dean Lefty's personal delinquent charge account at Spec's Liquor Store...

Other problems surfaced as state education officials discovered that a course titled Advanced Towel Folding Techniques was actually a revolving group of area winos who do piece-work in a bath house laundry, and are paid in "cents-off" coupons from a local Taco Bell...Lesbian massage therapy students were found to be housed in a corner of a converted shipping container where Dean Lefty makes his home behind the palatial Braniff Street mansion of an elderly, reclusive author...

Further charges were raised when it was revealed that all female students who registered for pole dancing instructions with Sports Director Mazola McLeglock were forced to submit to a daily body cavity strip search by Chief of Campus Security, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, a disgraced midget lesbian on temporary assignment to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...In addition President Obama's Office of Sanitary Homos Administration (OSHA) monitored the Hot Tub Temperature Management curriculum, and were appalled to find students were taught to take temperature readings by dipping their appendages in the water without using appropriate safety gear in clear violation of OSHA rules...

As the university prepares for a full-on investigation by lesbian Mayor Parker's Department of Rugmuncher Welfare, Dean Lefty has enlisted the services of famed attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., who recently became available when his parole was approved on his jury-tampering conviction...Mr. Spitt assured Dean Lefty that all extortion and bribery methods that the law allows will be exhausted in his efforts to clear the school's good name...

Pictured below is an advanced chemistry class disposing of a botched fruit fermentation experiment in a sanitary and EPA compliant manner under the direction of the head of the chemistry department, Dr. Le Voyager... 

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Loaded girl smuggled into county jail found in load of dirty laundry...

http://www.jsonline.com/news/crime/loaded-gun-smuggled-into-county-jail-found-in-load-of-dirty-laundry-loaded-gun-smuggled-into-county--293744931.html

Locally famous towel boy and frequent visitor to the Harris County jail Lefty must now explain how a loaded girl, tentatively identified as his girlfriend Latrina, managed to be smuggled into his cell in a load of laundry...Previously Lefty won kudos from prison officials for his idea to offset the costs of his repeated incarcerations by accepting outside work for the prison laundry...

However the first shipment, delivered from a Hobby Airport bath house for poofters, caused alarm because of its unusual odor...The bundle was brought to Lefty's cell where a contraband-sniffing dog alerted to the distinct smell of a particular rum distilled from green bananas and sweet potatoes only in the island nation of Barmaidia...

Concealed in the laundry basket was the passed out female reeking of the pungent and almost undrinkable liquor, and clad only in a thong marked "For Rental Only"...Lefty at first denied any knowledge of her, but a lesbian guard identified her as the lesbian powder room attendant of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium where Lefty is employed as a towel boy...

After her detoxification and de-lousing, she confessed to interviewers that she wanted to be near her lover, and arranged to have herself smuggled in with the laundry...Unfortunately, she consumed the entire bottle of rum she brought to share with Lefty, and was rendered  unconscious during her journey...

As new charges are now being considered against Latrina and Lefty, famed attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. already present on his own jury-tampering conviction, agreed to represent her on a pro boner basis...Mr. Spitt and Latrina were relocated to adjoining cells for better access to each other's briefs...

Pictured below is a prison artist's rendition of Latrina's discovery currently being passed around among inmates, just as Latrina herself is expected to be...

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Cascade Kitchen Counselor surrenders law license...

http://main.montgomerycountypolicereporter.com/?p=69169

In a stunning turnaround in law history, the Cascade Kitchen Counselor, famed for her imaginative defenses of frequent offender and alleged boyfriend Lefty, has surrendered her/his/its law license while facing felony charges for the crime of barratry...

Shown in the article in an undated photo, it was unclear whether it represented the CKC before or after transgender surgery...In addition, the CKC has turned to famed barrister, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., who vows a spirited defense as long as he is supplied with copious quantities of spirits...

Since Lefty has been incarcerated pending trial on various charges himself, the CKC has filed a motion for adjoining cells in order to have access to Lefty's briefs...Mr. Spitt's services have been offered on a pro boner basis based on which of his clients will do the servicing and how much alcohol has been served in the interim period...

Shown below is Lefty anxiously awaiting transfer to the new coed prison wing...

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Federal Judge Affirms the Freedom to Marry in Arkansas...

http://www.enewspf.com/latest-news/equality/57183-federal-judge-affirms-the-freedom-to-marry-in-arkansas.html

In a re-affirmation of long-standing Arkansas tradition, a federal court today struck down a law preventing marital unions between consenting adults no matter their gender, species, family relation, number of spouses, breathing status or planet of birth, as long as they have reached the age of majority, which in Arkansas is apparently thirteen...

In accordance with the new court guidelines, Father Lefty of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity has announced his latest wedding chapel opening in Kinder Gap, Arkansas just in time for those who wish to take advantage of year-end tax shelters with extra dependents...His close associate and business partner, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., will be happy to discuss his new rates on group divorces in his law office, located conveniently next door to the chapel...

Father Lefty's brother, RHM, who has taken a leave of absence from his position as men's room attendant at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, will operate a branch of his popular men's lingerie boutique selling bridal veils in all common sizes for gays, lesbians, family members and pets regardless of gender assignment...All three businesses will be located in Le Voyager Plaza between the 24 hour liquor store and all-state ID card factory (sold for novelty purposes only)...

All three new businesses have received sanction from the Arkansas Chamber of Commerce subject to bribery checks clearing the local banks, and Father Lefty assures all clients he is prepared to observe all religious customs and rituals, in accordance with federal mandates...Pictured below is a double wedding ceremony between ISIS leaders and their latest virgin brides...

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Beer exec Hamm ordered to pay ex-wife $1B...

http://thehill.com/policy/energy-environment/223628-oil-exec-hamm-ordered-to-pay-ex-wife-1b

In a stunning setback, the patriarch of the Hamm's Brewing Co. family has been ordered to pay his ex-wife the sum of one billion dollars in a historic divorce settlement...As the scion of the family fortune and guardian of the secret (although distorted by centuries of mishandling) formula for Hamm's beer, Hocker Hamm thought his position was safe until he was thwarted by an unhappy, and unfaithful wife...

To briefly recap family history, Hamm's beer has been a favorite beverage of bath house towel boys and men's room attendants since the first batch was brewed by an escaped Egyptian slave, Igoleft the Lesser...Since those first successful years, its quality slipped to the point where today even the most generous of beer critics refer to it as "rancid swill," and yet it has inexplicably lost none of its popularity in bath house commissaries...

But Hocker Hamm mistakenly became convinced that no misbehavior on his part could ever drive a wedge between himself and his wife, Lickreesha...Becoming convinced that Hocker's frequent overnight bath house visits were more than mere business trips, Lickreesha began a liaison with professional nude oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, and shortly thereafter filed for divorce...

The epic courtroom battle between famed divorce attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. representing Hocker, and the recently reinstated Cascade Kitchen Counselor for Lickreesha, took place before Judge SBA who was recalled to the bench because of his vast experience in divorce cases, mostly his own...After several evidentiary hearings in which Judge SBA considered the bribe offerings from both sides of the courtroom, he decided in favor of Lickreesha on her promise of an antique player piano for the judge's personal collection...

In addition, a complete liquidation of Hocker Hamm's assets was ordered to be administered by the auction house of Lefty & RHM, Ltd...The auctioneers will collect their standard commissions from the sales, less a mandatory kickback to be credited to the judge's Spec's Liquor Store revolving account...

Speaking from the auction house headquarters located in a converted shipping container behind Judge SBA's palatial Braniff Street mansion, auctioneer Lefty responded to questions concerning whether Hamm's beer quality will continue to slip in popularity and quality...Lefty offered this statement, "Well, it still tastes OK if it's cold enough, but the best thing you can say about is, it ain't Coors"...

Pictured below is Judge SBA, still in his courtroom attire, enjoying the new addition to his antique piano collection...

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Maher: "There Is A Gay Mafia -- If You Cross Them, You Do Get Whacked Off"...

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2014/04/04/bill_maher_there_is_a_gay_mafia_if_you_cross_them_you_do_get_whacked.html

The godfather of the Braniff Street Mafia, known as Don Lefty, has long been suspected of whacking off, but insiders say it's really his underbosses, RHM and Big "Tiny" Balsac, who do most of the whacking off...Consigliere Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. says nothing can be proved as no one has ever testified against the gay mafia, and as long as Mayor Parker gets her payoffs on time, the protection will go on...

Seen below, Don Lefty's brother Shady, formerly known as six-finger Louie, prepares for his initiation in the Gay Mafia as a "made man"...

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Chit fund scandal widens; Lefty launches probe...

http://www.dnaindia.com/india/1831676/report-chit-fund-agent-dies-director-commits-suicide

As the smell from the chit fund scandal continues to rise, the pool of suspects has widened to include an Alabama pig farmer and part-time attorney with ties to a Pennsylvania tractor rental operator...No names have been released yet, although the words "Grubb" and "Spitt" seem to have meaning in the investigation...

Authorities have called on the expertise of a bath house towel boy who is known for his wide knowledge and experience in chit management...Although his identity is being withheld because of his whistleblower status, a search of recent sodomy violation records shows the name Lefty at the top of the list of possible witnesses...The witness seems confused at being asked to work for the prosecution instead of being referred to as "the accused"...

Pictured is a suspected "chithouse" thought to house a laundering operation...

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Lefty cancels travel plans...

http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/famine-suffering-to-be-commemorated-29511290.html

Noted speechmaker, Lefty, has been forced to cancel his plans to travel to Ireland in commemoration of the Great Famine of the 19th century due to some minor immigration problems...Lefty has been found to have neglected child support payments since he briefly visited the nation while escaping from a Scottish court on an unrelated whiskey smuggling charge...Lefty's attorney, famed barrister Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., had failed to take into account the changing statutes of limitation involving Irish family court proceedings...

The cancellation comes as a disappointment to commemoration organizers...Lefty's family had survived what became known as the Irish Potato Famine by finding a unique place to grow potatoes that was both moist and dark at all times...The method has remained a family secret passed down from father to son in Lefty's family ever since, and he was expected to expose it and himself at the ceremony...The secret method, which is said to be literally the last place anybody would want to look, will now have to wait for a future generation of Irish farmers...

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Class action...

After Lefty's latest conviction in vagrancy court,  a class action lawsuit was filed against him and the jail administration on behalf of the murderers, kidnappers, assassins, child molesters and pickpockets incarcerated with him, citing cruel and unusual punishment...

Lefty's legal team, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. and the Cascade Kitchen Counselor, were unavailable for comment since they are being held in separate facilities on separate charges...They are expected to issue a joint statement when they find a new joint supplier...

Lefty's lesbian biker prayer group is attempting to raise bail money for him by collecting donations in their attempt to set a new nude telephone booth stuffing record...RHM, who was recently accepted by the group as a probationary "sidesaddle" member, is leading a door-to-door group on the same mission in the Montrose area...He is said to be making head-way...

Shown below, the biker group tries a dry run before removing their clothing and applying Wesson Oil...

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Naked man jumping on cars along busy Florida highway...

http://www.roanoke.com/news/nation/wire/police-naked-man-jumping-on-cars-along-busy-florida-highway/article_8c407204-fa8e-5abf-8a5c-ad897e05ec52.html

Florida state prosecutors are considering charges against an elderly man who disrupted traffic along a heavily traveled stretch of highway in Florida's beach community...Identified only as "Saggy," it is unknown at this time whether this is his given name or an alias tagged by crime reporters...

Under questioning (from a safe distance by reluctant investigators) Saggy claimed to be a member of the Boca Raton Senior Nudist Coffee Club, saying he was late for a meeting of the planning committee for the "Happy Nude Year" party sponsored by his organization, and was trying to take advantage of prevailing winds by "car surfing" because he was expected to cast the deciding vote on the party theme...

Explaining further he said, "With all my loose skin, I can catch a tailwind on top of a minivan, and get even better mileage than a Nissan Versa Hybrid like some of those sissy poofters drive"...Enlisting the services of well-known senior rights lobbyist, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., who was conducting his weekly inspection of facilities for housing intoxication violators, Saggy is expected to contest any charges filed...Prosecutors are said to be stymied as no state attorney as yet is willing to come near the case, or Saggy...

In a last ditch effort to gain favorable headlines for posterity, President Obama admitted he has directed the Federal Justice Department to consider whether to take over the case, but can't decide which issue to support...In a press release from the tee box at Burning Hills Golf Club, he said, "We could take an activist side for gay rights as well as alternative wind energy, but the public safety and animal endangerment issue from frightened indigenous Florida wildlife which witnessed the scene must be considered"...

Shown below in an undated file photo, Saggy is seen submitting to a strip search just before entering the clothing optional area of the Boca Raton Beach in his position as sand crab population monitor...

New charges against Lefty...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/10/clark-duncan-mcelfresh-masturbating-bicyclist_n_3575187.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

Cycling enthusiast Lefty has been detained on charges of bike jacking after being observed pedaling in a lewd and lascvious manner...Lefty insists he was merely adjusting a loose chain on his sprocket...In a separate incident, authorities are attempting to match Lefty's noseprint against evidence left on a number of bicycles parked at the local YWCA...

Lefty's attorney of record, the Cascade Kitchen Counselor, will be unavailable to handle his defense (or anything else) due to her being sentenced on charges of smuggling...Story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/10/christie-harris-hid-gun-in-vagina-meth-in-butt-sentenced_n_3574436.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

The CKC was caught with a Remington 12 gauge shotgun and two Ruger single action revolvers plus a surplus Army duffle bag full of meth hidden in various crevices on her body...

Both are expected to take advantage of the two-for-one special being offered at the law offices of Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. who is attempting to increase business since an Alabama liquor store has closed his revolving charge account and now demands "cash only"...

Seen below, Lefty is known as a master of no-hands bike riding...

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Chelsea has baby, Lefty claims alibi...

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2014/09/27/chelsea-clinton-baby/16320801/

As the world joins Chelsea and her parents in welcoming her newborn daughter, Lefty has issued a statement clearly designed to forestall any paternity claims...Says Lefty, "I traced it back on the calendar, and I was planting onions at the Harris County P-Farm that weekend thanks to my incompetent lawyer, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq..."

Lefty continued, "It used to be the guy could get a sodomy charge reduced to following too closely...Now the shyster can't even bribe the right judge to get me out of a charge of hot tub temperature tampering...I hope he doesn't expect to get paid for that one"...

In sending congratulations to the new mother, Lefty also said if she wants to make a baby with him, she should make an appointment like everyone else...Lefty also sent a birthday card to the baby girl enclosing a quarter, and saying she should use it to call him on her eighteenth birthday...

Below is an artist's conception of what a son of Lefty's might look like taking a "selfie" with a potato stuffed in his shorts to enhance his "package"...

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Lefty buys defunct bakery...

http://newsfixnow.com/2013/09/12/cake-shop-closes-down-after-refusing-to-make-lesbian-wedding-cake/

Lefty, better known to his TV fans as the Naked Chef, has announced the purchase of a bakery which was forced to close by refusing to bake a wedding cake for a lesbian couple...Always smelling a profit (in addition to other odors) entrepreneur Lefty plans to cater exclusively to lesbian and poofter couples who wish to enter wedlock...

Says Lefty, "If these rug-munchers want to marry each other and be as miserable as other married couples, I won't stand in their way...As long as the check for the cake clears the bank that is"...

Always looking for new opportunities, Lefty is also partnered with his brother, the Reverend RHM of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity...RHM is building a nudist wedding chapel between the bakery and the Motel 6 operated by their attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., who also runs his divorce law office on the same premises...

As Lefty says, "It's one stop shopping...And don't don't forget our special: Morning wedding, afternoon honeymoon and night divorce court...Never leave the building"...

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North Korea announces Kim Jong-un's lesbian sister promoted to senior poofter official...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/northkorea/11257451/North-Korea-announces-Kim-Jong-uns-sister-promoted-to-senior-party-official.html

In a game-changing admission to his own addiction to a particular western cuisine which is a favorite of poofters worldwide, North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, has named his own lesbian sister as Commissar of Bath House Nourishment...The similarly named Slim Dong-ugh preferred remaining in the shadow of her poofter brother until making contact with a security guard for nude lesbian oil-wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, during a recent goodwill tour of the orient...

Being a dwarf herself, Slim Dong-ugh found the midget lesbian security guard to be one of the few Americans with whom she could see eye to eye, and the two soon found they shared a common interest in things other than battery-operated "entertainment devices"...The unnamed Hobby Airport deputy soon revealed in her squeaky, annoying voice that she had learned the secret recipe for Taco Bell green chili burritos during an interrogation of a peeping tom suspect near a South Houston Braniff Street mansion...

In exchange for the recipe, she released the suspect on reduced charges of loitering with prurient interests...She later learned that the suspect, an itinerant towel boy, had obtained the recipe from his landlord's computer while repairing his faulty wireless connection...

It is now known that the popular Tex-Mex dish, long a food favorite of western poofters, was branded as contraband by closet homo dictator Kim Jong-un who called it a decadent western product, and banned it on penalty of beheading...But since being introduced to its addictive taste by Chinese poofter envoy, Lef Ti, he relaxed the rules and allowed it in limited quantities in his government-run bath houses...

Slim Dong-ugh then leveraged her newfound knowledge to gain her high-ranking position which allows her full access to all North Korean nudist lesbian spas, and first-pick privileges when new shipments of Duracell batteries arrive in bath house boutiques...However, since the burrito recipe was considered a guarded state secret by US officials, President Obama's Secretary of Gay Affairs is considering charges of espionage against the former Montgomery County deputy...

The deputy's attorney, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq., has offered to exchange spuriously obtained golf scorecards from the President's recent golfing holiday, plus other bribery considerations in exchange for dropping the charges...Shown below is the President relieving some gas pressure on the first tee following his Taco Bell luncheon...

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