As the world joins Chelsea and her parents in welcoming her newborn daughter, Lefty has issued a statement clearly designed to forestall any paternity claims...Says Lefty, "I traced it back on the calendar, and I was planting onions at the Harris County P-Farm that weekend thanks to my incompetent lawyer, Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq..."
Lefty continued, "It used to be the guy could get a sodomy charge reduced to following too closely...Now the shyster can't even bribe the right judge to get me out of a charge of hot tub temperature tampering...I hope he doesn't expect to get paid for that one"...
In sending congratulations to the new mother, Lefty also said if she wants to make a baby with him, she should make an appointment like everyone else...Lefty also sent a birthday card to the baby girl enclosing a quarter, and saying she should use it to call him on her eighteenth birthday...
Below is an artist's conception of what a son of Lefty's might look like taking a "selfie" with a potato stuffed in his shorts to enhance his "package"...
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