"Stump" Fairsex Crowned Lesboweight Queen In RMA Cage Match...

 https://www.fightersonlymag.com/latest-news/one-fight-night-14-stamp-fairtex-crowned-atomweight-queen-as-angela-lee-announces-retirement-in-singapore/

Due to the steadily increasing number of Asian readers of this blog, poofter sports reporter Lefty, on special assignment in Singapore (which conveniently coincided with the statutes of limitation expiration dates on some of his pending misdemeanor trials) filed this report on Fight Night at the Singapore Unisex Bath House & Knob Polishing Emporium...Circumventing the obvious language differences, Lefty enlisted the translation services of Mister Blister, the Asian tag team champions who also provided the blow-by-blow as well as the color commentary for the night's scheduled matches...The main event cage match for the evening pitted challenger "Stump" Fairsex (so named from the mysterious protuberance prominent in the lower part of her ring attire), and the reigning all-Asian champion, "Brickhouse" Lee...

As is well known to sports fans, the popular Mister Blister tag team consists of Hef Ti, a 650 pound mute, Chinese eunuch sumo wrestler who communicates only by single-finger sign language, and Dinki Winki, a midget Japanese oil wrestler, who have become mainstays of the bathhouse sports world in the sport of nude sumo oil wrestling...As guest ring announcers, Dinki Winki calls the blow-by-blow action in his shrill, annoying broken English voice which was taught to him in the English lessons given by the midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, during his confinement in an internment camp near Hobby Airport in Houston by the Biden Administration's mandatory immigration quarantine period...Color commentary is handled by his partner, Hef Ti, using his single finger sign language, a skill at which he is ambidextrous and clearly understood in multiple languages...

The special referee for this night's main event was Rili Huang Min, Red China's Showermaster of the Hanzhob District People's Poofter Collective...RHM, as he is affectionately known in the sports world, insured that all bribes and wagers had been completed in accordance with international rules before signaling the fighters to approach the center of the ring for final instructions...The mandatory search of the contestants for weapons was waived when both lesbian fighters threatened to neuter RHM if he moved toward them...Hef Ti was seen to physically cringe in response to this joint announcement from the competitors...

At the opening bell, both fighters disrobed down to G-strings emblazoned with the names of their sponsors, Cellblock 13 Jockstraps for "Stump" Fairsex and Summer's Eve Feminine Wash for "Brickhouse" Lee...The scheduled 3 round bout was called to an end early by the competitors' refusal to respond to the repeated chant of "69 baby" repeatedly started by reporter Lefty from ringside who apparently was unfamiliar with the international rules in effect governing obscene encouragement from the outside...The match was then declared a draw by ring official RHM, followed by booing from the angry onlookers...Before the onlookers could begin to riot however, reigning champion "Brickhouse" Lee grabbed the microphone from Lefty and announced her retirement from the sport and declared "Stump" Fairsex as the new Lesboweight Champion...

Following her announcement, she presented the symbolic iron chastity belt to her opponent to the tumultuous approval of the crowd...Handing the mic to the stunned Ms. Fairsex for her acceptance speech, another cheer went up from the crowd when "Stump" jerked Lefty to the center of the ring, stripped him down to his thong underwear and fastened the chastity belt around his middle..."Stump" then announced to the audience that during the preliminaries Lefty had repeatedly asked her if she swallowed...After making sure the chastity belt was securely locked on Lefty's groin, she announced, "Yes, I do swallow!" and promptly swallowed the only known key...

Shown below, "Stump" makes a slight package adjustment on her walk to the weigh in press conference...

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A Gator's Tale: Update...

https://www.click2houston.com/news/local/2020/05/14/gator-with-its-tail-run-over-spotted-in-road-in-conroe/

In response to our previous news item concerning Puffy Cravinmore, the latest addition to the population of the Hobby Airport Bath House District, LeftyInTheNews has received urgent messages from the HABHD chapter of PETA (Poofters Excitedly Touching Animals) in regard to the dog assigned to protect Ms. Cravinmore by her benefactor, Gristmill Mikey...In a mostly incoherent email, a PETA representative expressed concern that the dog (which Gristmill Mikey had named Chomper) had undergone a species reassignment, and demanded to know details of the operation...Our intrepid reporter tracked down Mikey on a jobsite where he is remodeling the former home of the late and lamented SBA, who was the nemesis to the Houston City Council as well as the operator of the Hobby Airport Piano Roll Museum, and obtained an interview...

When told of the laughable concerns by PETA members for the welfare of the newly transformed guard dog, the laconic Mikey broke into one his rare smiles which have been known to induce stroke conditions in some faint-hearted observers...He said he first heard of the animal when he was contacted by Truckman who knew of an accident in Conroe involving a hapless alligator...Knowing of Mikey's fondness for animals, he suggested the gator might be coaxed out of the swamp where it could be examined and cared for...Mikey immediately rode his Honda Goldwing with its sidecar to Conroe, and ignoring the warnings from horrified officials, he walked into the swamp where the gator had last been seen...

The gator was quickly found chewing on the tires of the same Prius which had run over and injured its tail...Knowing a kindred spirit when it found one, the gator docilely followed Mikey, and obediently climbed into the Honda's sidecar, riding off with him to the astonishment of onlookers...After reaching the Hobby Airport area, Mikey sought a medical assessment of the gator from Dr. Horace Tchytz of the Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop knowing that the doctor holds dual degrees as a sex change specialist and veterinarian...Using these skills, the doctor suggested that the tail was too damaged for proper healing and the alligator would live a more productive life with a species reassignment as a dog...Mikey agreed, and the operation was performed in exchange for some expansion work to Dr. Tchytz's bait shop where he repurposes the unneeded parts remaining after poofter gender reassignments...

The animal recovered quickly, and happily went home with Mikey where it accepted training for its new life as a guard dog...Mikey said the only out-of-pocket expenses involved occurred when he decided the dog would look more natural without its normal "gator green" skin, so using some leftover house paint from a remodeling job, the dog is now brown...Asked what the dog eats, Mikey said he doesn't really know as it seems to forage for itself while roaming the neighborhood, although he did observe that coincidentally many of the ne'er-do-well criminal types in the Bath House District now appear to be amputees...Chomper also seems quite happy in its new role as a guard dog, and Puffy Cravinmore reports that new attempts to rob her have dropped to zero, while the dog quickly adapted to riding on the buddy seat of her BMW motorcycle...

The only question remaining unanswered was the disposition of the gator's tail which was removed in the species reassignment operation...Bath house towel boy, Lefty, who also serves as a clerk for Dr. Tchytz's bait shop suggested the flesh could be added to the bait inventory, while Lefty's brother, RightHandMan, made a bid for the skin...RHM envisioned it being used as a custom codpiece after tanning by his taxidermist, and placed for sale to his high end clients at his male lingerie boutique...However, Gristmill Mikey, being a humanitarian, donated the tail to the Hobby Airport Food Bank where it was barbequed and served to the HABHD homeless...Fuel for the event was unknowingly donated by the estate of the late SBA as shown below...

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CNN Exclusive: Pope held threesome with same-sex couple in U.S...

http://www.cnn.com/2015/10/02/us/pope-gay-washington/

Having recently been elevated to Pope of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity, Pope Lefty (formerly Father Lefty) held a private audience with a same sex couple, and blessed their union with a three-way ritual in his private rectory...As is his custom, Pope Lefty recorded the event as he glorified the joining of the two lesbian women by anointing their faces...

Giving the brides away were their mentors from the local chapter of Dykes On Bikes, both dressed in formal leather and chain ensembles matching the flower girl who preceded the happy couple with a much needed aerosol can of Febreze air freshener in Fresh Fall Pumpkin scent...

The ceremony was momentarily delayed as the ring bearer from the Strike It Rich Pawn Shop & Payday Loan Store demanded the final payment on the matching ring set before releasing the items...Pope Lefty passed his papal headgear among the faithful attendees, and gathered enough donations (less his customary tithe) to allow the hallowed rites to continue...

For the devout parishioners who missed the live streaming on pay-per-view, Monsignor RHM will have copies of the ceremony, plus bonus scenes from the honeymoon on DVD and VHS available for a small donation in the Temple Gift Shop located in his male lingerie boutique in the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Shown below is the happy couple posing for pictures in their wedding gown...

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FOOFA President Seepy Bladder stuns poofter world, saying he will resign...

http://www.latimes.com/sports/sportsnow/la-sp-sepp-blatter-to-resign-20150602-story.html

The poofter sports world met surprise today as their governing body, FOOFA, announced the resignation of its recently re-elected president, Seepy Bladder, in the face of of a new corruption investigation...INTERPOOF, the gay crimes investigative agency, has assigned Inspector Lefty to the case, and he says he will get to the bottom of it if he has to question every lesbian stripper in the area...twice...

After beginning his investigation with his usual canvassing of topless bars in the Hobby Airport vicinity, Inspector Lefty widened his search area by interviewing the coach of the lesbian Olympic team, Mazola McLeglock, who was conducting a training session for the nude leapfrog mixed doubles hopefuls...His investigation was hampered somewhat when he was whacked behind the knees with a nightstick by security guard, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, who observed him peeping through a window in the lesbian shower room of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

He explained to the deputy that he was gathering evidence, then showed her his credentials, zipped back up, and was freed to go with a warning...After receiving information from an anonymous informant, RHM, that Bladder had been observed in the bath house, Inspector Lefty gained entrance to the poofter-only hot tub area...

Not having an accurate description of the Belgian poofter, Seepy Bladder, Inspector Lefty inquired of Hot Tub Temperature Manager, Chico Piñata (here on an exchange towel boy work visa from the Obama Administration), and was told to look for Bladder's trademark yellow-tinged hot tub water...Bladder informed Inspector Lefty that his diplomatic status was still in effect, and he had immunity from any questioning, and from any mandatory tipping in the poofter locker room...

The irritated Inspector was forced to let Bladder go, but before leaving noticed his tubmate, who was wearing a fedora hat pulled down over his eyes, seemed very suspicious...Back at INTERPOOF headquarters, he identified the suspect as Norwegian poofter fugitive, Ifar Toften, from his wanted posters...

At press time, Inspector Lefty was checking the exchange rate between reward dollars and Norwegian standard bribes before applying for a warrant...Shown below in an INTERPOOF surveillance photo, Ifar Toften frolics with two crossdressers in the Obama-mandated transgender hot tub...

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SEX-SWITCHING MOSQUITO GENE COULD HELP FIGHT DISCO FEVER...

http://www.i4u.com/2015/05/91606/sex-switching-mosquito-gene-could-help-fight-dengue-fever

A new outbreak of Disco Fever in the Hobby Airport Bath House District may have an unlikely aggressive enemy, reports famed physician, Dr. Tchytz of the Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop...If his findings are correct, the doctor may receive immediate government funding for his research as almost nobody in America wants a return to the disco era and a resurgence of popularity for Bee Gees music...

The renewed interest in '70's dance music has been traced by investigators from the CDC (Center for Disco Control) to an individual they have labelled as "Dancer Zero" located in the Hobby Airport Bath House District...The sequence of events began as "Dancer Zero" prepared to leave for his job as a towel boy at a popular unisex bath house...

His mom had all his clothes soaking in a tub of turpentine in an attempt to remove a stubborn odor, and he didn't want to risk being arrested again for hitchhiking in the nude...His brother, RHM, had already left to open his male lingerie boutique, and he thought his brother wouldn't mind if he borrowed some clothing to get to work...

Choosing a white bell-bottomed polyester pantsuit which his brother had not worn in decades, "Dancer Zero" then recalled his counterfeit bus pass had been confiscated by transit authorities, and walking to work would make him late again...Reasoning that his father Swifty, owner of Swifty's All Night Bail Bond, Repo & Payday Loan Service, wouldn't mind, he jumped the fence of the impound yard and hot-wired the 1976 AMC Pacer which had been forfeited by "Dancer Zero" for a defaulted loan...

Leaving the yard at a high rate of speed to avoid being late on the job, and to escape the vicious Rottweilers on his heels, he struck a pothole in the road, causing the 8-track tape player to jump from the rendition of "Grandma Got Runned Over By a Reindeer" where it had been stuck since the '80's to an interpretation of "Disco Duck"...By the time he reached the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium to report for his job, the song had been permanently embedded in his mind, and he spent the day whistling and doing his impression of the Chicago Hustle in his thong uniform to the delight of the poofter clients...

By nightfall gays were dancing in the streets with each other, as were lesbians and transgenders, to the music provided by the newly-opened Bundo Record Shop...An ugly incident was averted at the nearby Braniff Street Piano Roll Museum, when one reveler knocked on the door and asked the proprietor if he could play "Shake Your Groove Thing" on one of his player pianos...

The enraged, elderly proprietor, a veteran of both World Wars, screamed, "I don't have any disco crap, ya fruit peddler, now get off my porch, or I'll let you have both barrels of my Ballard 12 gauge!"...The proprietor's long-suffering daughter got him back inside telling him to go put his pants on, explaining to the visitor that the VA needed to adjust his medications again...

Meanwhile Dr. Tchytz was already hard at work to contain the deadly outbreak of Disco Fever when he remembered the sex-switching mosquito gene he had catalogued in his gender reassignment research...Theorizing that if he could introduce the gene into one of each pair of same-sex dance partners, the sudden switch of gender would cause them to lose interest in each other, and he could then isolate the Disco Fever bacteria...

Turning lose a swarm of the rare mosquitoes on the dancers, they began to quickly switch from one sex to another until Dr. Tchytz could isolate and contain all the bacteria, before the short-lived mosquitoes dissipated, and normal poofter life resumed...At the same time, CDC officials confiscated all copies of the deadly Bee Gees music from the Bundo Record Shop along with its owner, and quarantined all in a special holding cell in Guantanamo Bay Naval Detention Center until a final cure could be found...

Houston's lesbian Mayor Annise Parker, in an attempt to avoid another costly lawsuit from the elderly, eccentric piano-roll museum operator, sent him her personal signed copy of a rare boxed piano roll (pictured below)...

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Iran Judge Closes Poofter's Zipper, Ignoring Pleas for Transparency...

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/26/world/middleeast/iran-judge-closes-reporters-trial-ignoring-pleas-for-transparency.html?_r=0

In a preview of what poofter life would be in America under sharia law, an Iranian judge ruled against a gay bath house client who wished to adopt Western ways...Not liking the lack of style in the traditional thobe worn by gay muslims before entering the bath house, Ramses Hannu Menhet (or simply RHM) wanted to bring his flair for fashion to Tehran's homo society...

RHM, who traces his lineage to his namesake in ancient Lower Mesopotamia, found he liked the style and comfort of relaxed-fit Levi's worn in the "open fly" manner of gay westerners...When he was denied entry by the doorman to the Tehran Bath House & Goat Washateria until he zipped his fly, his protest carried him to the Supreme Poofter Sharia Court...

The court, which falls under the jurisdiction of Iran's Ministry of Steamrooms, upheld the doorman's decision and ordered RHM's fly closed...The judge, Ayatollah Leph te Rashitch, became enraged when RHM pleaded for transparency by leaving the zipper open, and left the bench to angrily zip it up himself...

RHM has found an unlikely ally in neighboring Israel as Rabbi Levty, who claims his ancestry from the founder of the Levi's clothing industry, Levi Strauss, called for moderation by allowing the change...Rabbi Levty's statement that "we are all the same men under our towels," drew sharp criticism from Ayatollah Leph te, who said, "You guys are nothing like us after your best parts get whittled off"...

The rabbi's pleas for leniency are not likely to gain support in the Israeli government as he is a member of a radical branch of the Rashidic Temple, and operates a kosher non-denominational bath house near a Taco Bell deli...RHM, who was sentenced to hard labor in the Tehran bath house laundry, is said to be thinking of converting to the rabbi's faith after serving his time...

During his trial, RHM presented evidence of a precedent set by an American politician (pictured below having his zipper opened for public viewing), but was overruled...

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U.S. in South China Sea: bubbleshooter or bubblemaker?...

http://www.ecns.cn/voices/2015/05-25/166714.shtml

US President Obama continues to cause controversy as he attempts to adjust his learning curve in the world of international poofter relations...His blundering bid to buy peace at US taxpayer expense by sending cargo planes loaded with poofter toilet articles to the scene of a South China Sea squabble has resulted in more bad feelings for all...

UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty reports, "These foreign butt pirates only stopped slapping at each other long enough to grab up all the Hamm's and El Productos, then they went back to towel-snapping each other"...After all the supplies had been removed from the two military C-17's, the crews noted that all the wheels had been removed from the planes leaving them both on concrete blocks...

Since the incident occurred on foreign soil, protocol demanded that INTERPOOF, the international gay crimes agency, be called in to investigate, and Inspector RHM was sent to report on the matter...Meanwhile, another cargo plane carrying new wheels and a contingent of US Marines to stand guard was dispatched to the scene of dispute...

Inspector RHM quickly determined that the theft was made by a gay spinoff gang from the Chinese Triad organization known as the Dragon Dongs...It is suspected that the entire "turf war" between the middle-eastern jihadist homos and the Chinese Ministry of Laundry over the disputed bath house may have been instigated by the criminal organization to gain a foothold in the lucrative Asian hot tub industry...

Ambassador Lefty acknowledged that the profits are high when poofters want to make bubbles together, and still maintains hope that a peaceful solution can be found for the warring factions as long as the US Treasury can hold out...Inspector RHM also believes that bringing the Chinese gay gangsters to justice may help settle the bath house feud...

Meanwhile, President Obama (pictured below) attempts to dodge questioning on the event by copping a feel on the lesbian reporter assigned to interview him on the matter...

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Lesbian activists' plans to march Korea's DPZ draws ire...

http://www.cnn.com/2015/05/21/world/dmz-march-north-korea/

One of the world's oldest living lesbian activists, Gloria Steinem, has drawn criticism for her plan to lead other octogenarian lesbians into the DePoofterized Zone (DPZ) existing at the 38th parallel dividing the free republic of South Korea and the poofter regime of North Korea's deranged homo leader, Kim Jong-un...All seemed well as Ms. Steinem received the approval of the UN Department of Poofter Relations until she announced the aged muffdivers would first burn their girdles and bras, and conduct their march in the nude...

The mere thought of such a procession sent a collective shiver up the spine of the diplomatic community, and network commitment to television coverage dwindled as seasoned correspondents began to call in sick, and suddenly remembered previous assignments...President Obama immediately called on veteran envoy, Ambassador Lefty, the senior representative of the UN Poofter Delegation...

Ambassador Lefty's long experience aided him in forming a quick plan to avert war, as he packed his darkest sunglasses and refilled all his Prozac prescriptions before meeting the parade of sagging flesh awaiting him in the DPZ...Before leaving, he called for support from RHM's male lingerie boutique, causing many observers to wonder whether Prozac should be taken with Hamm's beer...

But the seasoned envoy knew what he was doing as he arrived at the DPZ with a selection of spandex bodysuits, reinforced with military-grade Kevlar, in all sizes and fleshtones to fit the entire contingent of elderly rugmunchers...The marchers all seemed grateful for the clothing as no one had thought to check the weather conditions in Panmunjom where winter conditions still prevailed...

Later, in a statement for the press, Ambassador Lefty said, "All these old has-been lesbos want is a conference with that fat homo, Kim Jong-un...Maybe we'll all get lucky, and he'll hold them hostage, and they'll be each other's problems"...It was later learned that the lesbian delegates hope to meet with Slim Dong-ugh, Kim's dwarf lesbian sister who is one of his few remaining relatives who has not yet been accidentally executed...

Pictured below is Ms. Steinem inquiring whether the Kevlar reinforcement in her bodysuit is covered by a factory warranty...

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CBS gives 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation' the boot...

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2015/05/13/cbs-gives-csi-crime-scene-investigation-boot/

Our regular readers (and many suffering from irregularity) will recall last year how LeftyInTheNews broke the story of CBS cancelling CSI:NY, and shifting focus to its new offering, CSI:Hobby Airport...This year, LeftyInTheNews is once again ahead of the pack in announcing the cancellation of CBS's long-running CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, and the launch of its much anticipated replacement, CSI:International...

As the wildly successful CSI:Hobby Airport continues to rise in the ratings with Detective Nox applying his skills in tracking down the suspects where other lawmen fear to tread, the new series begins in a mix of poofters and politics, in the nation's fastest growing hotbed of homo activity, the Washington DC Bath House District (DC/BHD)...Relocating its headquarters to this area, the world's leading gay crimes investigative agency, INTERPOOF, assigns veteran investigator, Inspector Lefty, to put a lid on the growing number of crimes committed by, for, with and against poofters...

Joining Inspector Lefty in a sidekick role will be RHM who in his portrayal as a DC style reporter for Washington's daily Gay Fashionista, has a knack for uncovering crime stories where others didn't even know a crime had been committed...Inspector Lefty will also cross paths and receive valuable clues from his shadowy underworld connection and bookie, played by real-life oddsmaker and crossdresser, Yugo Leftanescu...

Asked whether he expected cooperation from the White House and Congress in stories involving high-level government poofter activity, Inspector Lefty said, "I wouldn't bet on it," to which Yugo, always alert for a wager, added, "That's good advice"...LeftyInTheNews' entertainment division will provide reviews of upcoming episodes of this new hit series as storylines are developed...

Shown below is a publicity still released by CBS showing Inspector Lefty going through his files in search of evidence on a fast-breaking case...

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UK erection results: David Cameron pledges a 'poofter Britain'...

http://www.bbc.com/news/election-2015-32659720

Making his victory speech from London's fashionable Queen's Row Bath House & Poofter Emporium, Poofter Minister (PM) Cameron celebrated his hard-fought erection which was thought by some to be "unattainable"...Always the consummate politician, Cameron promised in his campaign he could achieve erection in the company of voting poofters as well as the lesbian constituency...

Since Cameron is thought to be a political ally of US President Obama, the President dispatched UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty to aid in the erection process...In Lefty's statement before his overseas flight, he said, "This Cameron guy is no homo, but I know a thing or two about erections in bath houses"...

At the appointed time, Cameron entered the poofter-filled steamroom behind his bulletproof towel, and drawing a deep breath began the manual of arms...Ambassador Lefty then unveiled the secret teleprompter which he had preloaded with lesbian porn, following which Cameron's interest and libido began to rise, obvious even from behind his towel...

After the unisex referee, RHM, certified it a fair erection, Cameron's opponents immediately called for a re-measurement in protest of the unconventional assistance of the video...However, Cameron had anticipated this by securing the services of newly appointed Poofter Solicitor Leftchester, recently returned from his successful defense at an American military court martial...

Leftchester's standing as a barrister gained new prestige as he referred to the recently discovered first draft of Charlemagne's landmark Magna Carta containing the right to depict lesbian porn on royal tapestries...Leftchester argued "original intent" even though the final version was altered due to a spilled mug of ale on the document by a court towel boy, which made that paragraph unreadable...

The defeated opponents then conceded the erection to Cameron...Shown below is the PM after a disappointing practice session before the arrival of Ambassador Lefty and his teleprompter...

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Tesla Ventures Into Solar Power Storage for Home and Massage Parlor...

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/01/business/energy-environment/with-new-factory-tesla-ventures-into-solar-power-storage-for-home-and-business.html?_r=0

Proving that you don't really need to know much English if you understand the business language, Armenian refugee Tesla D, a lesbian masseuse in the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, has announced through her translator that she is embarking upon an exciting new commercial venture...She has forged an alliance with RHM Industries for the purpose of importing and distributing a line of rechargeable solar batteries for vibrators and other lesbian "entertainment devices"...

Her statement was provided by spokesmodel Lefty of RHM Industries who said, "This babe has a product that will put the Energizer bunny in the dark"...According to Lefty, Tesla began thinking of a solution to power alternatives during the many power outages when the bath house executive board inadvertently forgot to pay the light bill before leaving on their many management seminars at luxury poofter resorts...

Even though Tesla's talented hands and other body parts were always able to finish the job for her lesbian clients, she said her power instruments would have allowed better usage of her time, and Lefty complained that the lack of light caused him to be forced to shut down his observation deck on the other side of the wall where he rented out peephole access by the minute...Using a connection in her native country, she began importing inexpensive, yet good quality, solar batteries in containers marked "secret muslim holy equipment, infidel do not open" in order to expedite customs clearance by Obama administration authorities...

Lefty explained further that the solar batteries are easily recharged by the lesbians when they lay on the nude beach to rest between their activity sessions...RHM Industries became interested when RHM found the batteries also fit the "Anal Intruder" device he sells in his male lingerie boutiques, and he signed on as distributor of the product...

Tesla will not be putting her full name on the product, but instead will use her copyrighted "Tesla D" brand since her Armenian surname cannot be pronounced by western tongues...Spokesmodel Lefty explained that the last westerner who attempted to pronounce her name developed such a severe stutter that she can now only communicate through sign language, but as a consequence of her lip movements, became a popular party guest at lesbian functions...

The innovative young masseuse is also test marketing attachments for her pleasure appliances which will provide some much needed oral hygiene opportunities for her clientele as illustrated below...

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Iran's famous bathhouses are disappearing...

http://mashable.com/2015/04/03/irans-famous-bathhouses-disappearing/

Iran's Minister of Steamrooms, the Ayatollah Leph te Rashitch, is blaming Western decadence and American influence for the diminishing numbers of bath houses available for use by Iranian poofters...Leph te fondly recalls the days when he could choose from throngs of young men eager to learn the time-honored trade of towel boy, now saying, "The only new students want to learn locker pilferage and hiding their own tip jars"...

Leph te is said to have come up through the ranks as an apprentice towel boy, and learning the secrets of men's room attendancy at the feet of Grand Caliph RHM before assuming his present position of power in a coup which toppled his mentor, the Grand Caliph...Leveling charges of "infidel" at his former master for advocating new gay colors in turbans and towels, Ayatollah Leph te caused the disgraced RHM to be banished to the laundry room of the Tehran Poofter Palace as a towel folder...

It is thought that Leph te has dismissed the idea of any possible return of RHM to a position of influence, and has concentrated on growing his power base through an alliance with the radical Islamic State United Kingdom (ISUK)...Meanwhile rumors continue to surface of a connection between RHM's progressive ideas and a Hindu goat-whisperer named Rama Lambda Ernest...

The decline in the number of poofter bath houses in Iran may signal a rise in a hybrid religion combining the beliefs of Grand Caliph RHM and the reclusive Rama Lambda...Traditional Iranian bath house clients are known to be dissatisfied with the level of service in what was once the opulent lifestyle of Tehran homos, and many are calling for a change in leadership and direction...

Religious analysts say the possible hybrid religion has yet to take its final form or name as practicing poofters and traditional goat-worshipers try to work out the details of the alliance...Calls to Rama Lambda Ernest's Gonzales County ranch and temple have not been returned, and neither confirmation nor denial has been offered of the planned merger...

Sources close to the goat-whisperer say that although Ernest is a man of peace and tranquility, he does demand obedience from his followers and maintains a level of dominance in their beliefs...Shown below in one of the few known photographs of him, the Rama Lambda cautions silence to two of his young charges about their secret nocturnal rituals...

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Despised hospital gowns get fashion makeovers...

http://www.cnn.com/2015/04/01/health/hospital-gown-fashion-makeover/

In a poll taken by fashion consultant and male lingerie boutique owner RHM, the most commonly asked question from patients at Dr. Tchytz's Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop is, "Does this hospital gown make my butt look fat?"...In most cases the answer is, "Yes, because you won't stay away from the all-you-can-eat buffets"...

RHM says there's not much he can do about a poofter's hefty hindquarters, but the hospital gown is a different story...He has introduced a stylish new line of patient wear for sick perverts of all stripes...

The "Flasher" is raincoat inspired, while the "Happy Hawaiian," with its grass skirt will look right at home on the hula line...Since the derriere is always exposed anyway with a hospital gown, the "Bottoms Out" should satisfy any exhibitionist...

Anybody should be able to see right through the "Obamacare" with its total transparency...Leather enthusiasts will be thrilled to be examined in the "Saddle Up," while bondage fans may select from 50 shades of gray in the "Ball & Chain"...

RHM expects sales to be stiff, and urges clients to order early for your appointment with Dr. Tchytz...His catalog is available for viewing in the men's room of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

Shown below, spokesmodel Lefty wonders which socks will look best with this gingham-inspired "Bath House on the Prairie"...

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Fugitive arrested hours after Poofter Stoppers alert issued...

http://amarillo.com/news/local-news/2015-03-27/fugitive-arrested-hours-after-crime-stoppers-alert-issued

Authorities finally got a break in the case of Norwegian poofter fugitive, Ifar Toften, as INTERPOOF's Inspector Lefty made the arrest in the men's room of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Mr. Toften has long resisted extradition on morals charges until today when he voluntarily gave himself up...

Last week a new chapter began in the saga as extradition papers were filed on charges of polluting a Norwegian fjord as evidence was introduced showing Mr. Toften relieving himself following a night spent consuming shots of Akvavit in the Queen Harald Gay Bar in Oslo...The break occurred when Inspector Lefty was making a routine patrol of bath house men's rooms in South Houston, and happened to mention to the attendant on duty, RHM, that he had just received the papers on the fjord extradition for Ifar Toften...

The international fugitive happened to be in one of the stalls listening to the conversation, and since Inspector Lefty was lighting his El Producto cigar while talking, his speech was slurred, causing Toften to think he was referring to the Ford Expedition on which he had bought a raffle ticket...Toften rushed out of the stall with his pants still around his knees shouting, "Here I am!"...

He realized his mistake too late, and immediately began offering bribes...But since all he had on him was Norwegian currency, and Inspector Lefty had learned not to accept an IOU on a bribe, Mr. Toften was taken into custody and turned over to Obama administration customs officials to await deportation...

Unknown to Inspector Lefty his own exit interview had been scheduled for that same afternoon, since he was being terminated for not reporting to work over a six month period...It was decided to postpone his de-badging in light of him making the first arrest of his career, and his firing has been rescheduled until the publicity dies down, or until someone else can take credit...

Pictured below, the pantsless Mr. Toften is seated curbside just prior to accepting transportation to a secure facility where his poofter practices will be welcomed...

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Complete crossdresser from 2,200 years ago found at Terracotta Poofter site...

http://www.ancient-origins.net/news-history-archaeology/excellently-preserved-crossbow-2200-years-ago-terracotta-020269

The famous site of the Terracotta Army excavation in the Chinese interior has yielded another amazing find...Honorable Master Lef Ti of the PF Chang Laundry & Poofter Academy reports the discovery of an intact terracotta crossdresser in the area of an ancient Chinese bath house believed to be buried for enjoyment by the terracotta army soldiers who guard the burial site...

The site has long been known as the final resting place of the homo Emperor Manchu Dong, who ruled this province of China 2,200 years ago, and was believed responsible for many improvements in Chinese bath house living...For example, he established regular towel service by dedicated towel boys which replaced the practice of rolling in the grass after exiting a communal shower room...

Having a lifelong fascination with dolls, he built an army of terracotta soldiers to guard his tomb, and now it is thought he built a bath house populated by terracotta poofter servant dolls to service his army...The crossdresser is amazingly detailed with low-cut evening gown and matching handbag and high heels...

Master Lef Ti also hopes to link the finding of several earthen bottles of a beer like substance to the ancient brewery site in the Lower Mesopotamia valley where Igoleft the Lesser and his brother began the powerful brewing dynasty which later deteriorated to today's Hamm's beer...Lef Ti seems to find delight that this theory would disprove the conclusions assembled by his American counterpart, Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies...

Master Lef Ti and his research assistant, Rili Huang Min (RHM) on loan from the Hanzhob Peoples' Poofter Collective, are confident this finding will revolutionize bath house history...Pictured below is one of the terracotta soap bars found dropped on the floor of the excavation site's shower room, which Master Lef Ti says bear strong resemblance to the Dove soap bars favored by modern poofters...

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500 million year old lobster fossil discovered...

http://www.theamericanregister.com/500-million-year-old-lobster-fossil-discovered/9046/

Professor Lefty of the prestigious Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has announced the finding of an eons-old fossil that may be the prehistoric ancestor of a creature that plagues bath house users even today...The professor's research assistant, RHM, discovered the relic while sifting through the remains of what is believed to be a primitive poofter shower room found under the decaying layers of a Braniff Street landfill...

RHM immediately noticed something different among the petrified Dove soap bars and decayed towel remnants...On closer examination, it resembled a lobster with the exception of it having legs on both sides, similar to the two-sided crab which infests modern bath houses...

Two-sided crabs are especially bothersome as they can continue to run up a victim's leg in search of a snack even when flipped over...It is now believed that the modern pest evolved over the millennia from the dominant lobster-like creature interbreeding with the more docile crabs...

Professor Lefty also offers the theory that evidence of sharpened clam shells found among the shower room debris indicates that the infestation of the ancient "crab-lobsters" may have hastened the invention of the razor by an early human species known as Gillette Man...The professor added that this is not to be confused with the first use of a razor in lesbian porn "flickers" of the silent movie era by an actress called Lady Schick...

Shown below, Lady Schick is pictured in a publicity release from Mack Sennett's Peeping Tom Productions (now defunct)...Photo courtesy of the SBA collection...

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Jesse Jackson Jr. leaves federal prison in Alabama for halfway house in HA...

http://www.startribune.com/nation/297618341.html

Gaining early release from prison for his conviction on charges of slush fund misappropriation and attempted brigandry, Jesse Jackson Jr. joins his famous father at the recently approved halfway house behind a palatial Braniff Street mansion in the Hobby Airport bath house district...The senior Jackson was relocated to the facility following his parole from a conviction on impersonating a televangelist...

As LeftyInTheNews learned from its previous investigation, the Braniff Street estate's owner, an elderly, eccentric recluse, hastily converted his priceless outdoor collection of Maersk shipping containers into condos to avoid further action from Houston City Council on an overnight zoning change...Since local celebrities, Lefty and RHM, already lived there, he was able to gain federal approval as a halfway house by accepting the residency of reformed bad-boy biker, Gristmill Mikey...

Officials also approved the facility's "clothing optional" status since the retiree often forgets to put on his pants before going out to check the PH level of his plywood pond...When asked how he feels about joining the mostly homosexual neighborhood, Jackson replied that he foresees no problems as he had developed a tolerance, and even a fondness for gay sex during his prison stay...

Required to work at a meaningful job to maintain his freedom, Jackson will join his father on a work crew maintaining the appearance of the many buildings on the grounds...The elder Jackson is said to have shown quite a talent for whitewashing...

Pictured below is the property owner's daughter whose no-nonsense presence has proved a deterrent for rude behavior from the residents...

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Japan, China ruling poofter parties to resume exchanges...

http://the-japan-news.com/news/article/0002030003

With the recent power shift in the Chinese bath house hierarchy, a degree of normalcy may return to Asian poofter society...Veteran administrator Hu Flung Dung has returned to the seat of power as China's Director of the Ministry of Laundry, which oversees all bath house and poofter entertainment operations...

Former Laundry Minister Lef Ti will be relegated to a position as assistant towel boy in the Beijing Peoples' Poofter Collective after he successfully completes a re-education process in the Hanzhob District of the remote interior regions of China...He will be instructed in obedience to the poofter traditions by Showermaster Rili Huang Min (RHM) who some sources claim is a distant relative of Lef Ti...

Meanwhile, as Hu Flung Dung resumes power, analysts predict a warming of relations between Chinese and Japanese bath house factions...The power struggle between national nude sumo oil wrestling representatives has been replaced by talk of an exhibition match of the popular sport between the team of former nude lesbian oil wrestling champion Mazola McLeglock with her partner midget lesbian amateur fighter Dumpy Bunny, versus a Sino-Japanese team...

An informal bath house poll suggests the team of 650 pound Chinese sumo champion Hef Ti and midget Japanese oil wrestler Dinki Winki would draw a huge crowd against the lesbian pair...Sports writers are already suggesting that the lesbian team has an unfair advantage if Dumpy Bunny attempts to use her shrill, annoying voice to shatter Hef Ti's titanium knee hinges...

One of the potential sponsors of the match, Gorilla ® Brand Duct Tape, says the use of its product together with a tennis ball will prevent the problem...A meeting between Japanese Poofter Minister (PM) "Abe" and Chinese Laundry Director Dung is already scheduled in an effort to work out any hard feelings...

Shown below, Japanese Trade Minister (TM) Sukyu Longdime and a lesbian assistant prepare seating mats together with a derivative of Hamm's beer for the traditional BJ exchange between the two poofter leaders...

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China asserts its clout as sumo heavyweight...

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/asiapacific/china-asserts-its-clout/1702308.html

Seeking to expand its influence in the Asian bath house world, China's Ministry of Laundry has announced its entry into the previously all Japanese sport of nude sumo oil wrestling...The move was not unexpected after the signing of retired nude lesbian oil wrestling champion Mazola McLeglock as spokesperson for the state-owned Slippi Slidee Oil Co...

It has long been known that Laundry Minister Lef Ti has wanted to take some glory away from Poofter Minister (PM) "Abe" of the Japanese bath house industry, and it is thought he plans to bring shame to "Abe" by bringing the heavyweight crown to China...Rumors have been rampant of a secret training camp inside the Hanzhob Peoples' Poofter Collective where Showermaster Rili Huang Min (RHM) has been beefing up a select group of poofters to enter the ring...

In an effort to minimize the prowess of the Chinese sumo wrestlers, PM "Abe" has drawn on centuries of Japanese tradition to humiliate the Chinese interlopers...In a surprise move he has even suggested a closed-circuit warm-up match between the retired Ms. McLeglock and the Japanese lesbian Trade Minister (TM) Sukyu Longdime, saying that even an amateur can beat China's hired gun...

But analysts think "Abe's" ploy may only be a delaying move while his champion sumos have a chance to bulk up on sushi burritos and a rice beer said to smell like a boiling pot of dirty gym socks...The beer is based on a close copy of the formula for the American bath house favorite Hamm's, but is said to have suffered some in the translation...

Meanwhile the secret photo below has leaked out purporting to show the Chinese heavyweight team performing the traditional release of built up gas pressure before beginning an exhibition match...Lef Ti is shown in the background accepting side bets...

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Bath House offers little defense of Clinton in email scandal...

http://www.politico.com/story/2015/03/white-house-little-defense-of-hillary-clinton-in-email-scandal-115731.html

Former President Clinton's latest visit to the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium has caused an uproar from Republican opponents as bath house spin doctors try to downplay the incident...As a Heritage Member of the facility, Mr. Clinton is privileged to visit all areas of the club, and while passing through the towel boys' locker room noticed a number of towel boys lined up at a hole in the wall...

Invoking his right of executive privilege, he elbowed his way to the front of the line where chief towel boy Lefty waived the customary quarter-a-peek fee for the ex-President to observe the nudist lesbian yoga class on the other side of the wall...Later as Mr. Clinton enjoyed an El Producto cigar while having the rip in his thong repaired in RHM's male lingerie boutique, he decided to email his discovery to his Secret Service team waiting outside the bath house...

Unfortunately in the dimly lit boutique, with cigar smoke in his eyes, Mr. Clinton inadvertently sent the email to Mrs. Clinton's private email server...We have since learned that after reading the email and accidentally breaking every piece of furniture in her husband's office, Mrs. Clinton subpoenaed his IPhone for delivery to her lawyers...

After filing a Freedom of Information request, LeftyInTheNews has obtained a copy of the email titled "Yowza!!" and displayed below:

"Hey you guys oughta put away the bourbon and get in here!...You ain't gonna believe how these nekkid lesbos can twist and bend!...Bill"

Shown below leaving the bath house, Mr. Clinton seems to recognize one of the lesbian yoga class members...

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